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Boris Johnson to wear military uniform to parliament

TIN AND POT : Newly elected President Boris Johnson has announced to the country that as part of ongoing government preparations for turning the UK into a banana republic, he is going to wear military uniform to parliament.

”He hasn’t decided on what rank to give himself,” Mr Cavalier, fruit shape policy aide at 10 Downing Street told us, “but clearly it’s got to be senior. Once he settles on what kind of general he is then we’ll have a parade.”

Will everyone be invited?

”They already are, whether they like it or not. But he has the overwhelming support of a majority of the British people for this change in style, both dress and management. He’s really just following the instructions of the people. This the people’s government, even if 53% of people who voted didn’t vote for it.”

I guess he’ll be needing medals too?

”Yes. He’s now many famous victories defending the motherland. He’s won the war on immigrants, with his senior aide Priti Patel. He triumphed over the poor, with the help of a bus driver’s son. He’s just destroyed a sense of financial security for millions, that was do or die. Imagine the chaos now if Ed Milliband hadn’t fallen into the bacon sandwich trap? And May’s predecessor Corporal Cameron had lost? It doesn’t bear thinking about. Oh, and parliament will now be in permanent recess, as a mark of respect for General Johnson’s father’s wisdom.”

The people had a vote, once, they don’t need another. Long live the republic!

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Queen to send Prince Andrew to open Boris Johnson’s new parliament

NOT WAVING DROWNING : HER MAJESTY Queen Elizabeth II is finally putting her foot down with all the wayward boys causing her so much grief. At least that’s as the rumour mill has it. She’s going to put them in a room together and forget about it.

“Queen Elizabeth II isn’t giving too much away, at least not in words,” a palace insider, closely situated to someone who was waved at once by Her Majesty in the gardens of Buckingham Palace, told LCD Views (it’s an exclusive), “but it’s fair to speculate that she is finding the re-electing of the syndicate that deceived her into unlawfully proroguing parliament, just a little bit ticklish. Do the British people care for the monarchy anymore? Or do they see it about as pointless as electing a parliament via FPTP?”

But the re-election of Boris Johnson and crew does at least provide the aged monarch with an opportunity to exercise some pent up frustration.

“Andrew keeps phoning and texting to ask what the bloody hell he is supposed to do with his life now?” the insider continued, “of course he can still privately promote his passion for selling British munitions, but to be removed from royal duties? That’s a lot of standing around and pretending to like the people around you time to fill.”

So maybe a series of one offs? A sort of zero hours royal contract?

“That’s the solution. And that way Boris Johnson’s new government gets the right royal touch it deserves to start it.”

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Labour Party sets date to elect its first leader in nearly five years

NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM : AS THE ATOMIC FALLOUT of last Thursday’s general election settles in a thick blanket across the country there’s welcome news from the official opposition party.

“Labour are having a leadership election,” a source inside the party told LCD Views, “we’re really excited. We’ve been without a leader for almost five years. And given that Boris Johnson now has an eighty seat majority in the HoC, and is certain to start tearing at all the checks and balances, safety nets and ladders, we better get a wriggle on.”

But while many greet the news with approval, and no small measure of excitement, some are worried that the party may intentionally choose someone no one will like, outside of the party. Because what the voters think doesn’t really matter. It’s about purity of essence, Mandrake. It’s about winning the argument, in your own mind at least.

We here at blowhard dad central have a handy (initial) guide for how to get it right.

  1. Elect someone who will oppose a ruinous, hard right, disaster capitalist project, the mandate for which was won with the involvement of electoral crime in an advisory poll wedded to gallons of snake oil, and not someone who will think, fantastic, maybe if we’re cunning enough we can turn it into Lexit!

    You may not have had to worry about losing your leave voters so much if you hadn’t spent over three years validating the project.

    Next time, choose someone, who seeing a whole array of weapons being handed to them by the government, will decide to use them.

    Years of fence sitting, so as to appeal to a split electorate, but while also morally validating your opponent’s project by pretending you can turn it into something magic, guess what, that’s not leadership. Voters look for leadership. Pick a side and fight it. Or your voters may go to the other side.

    The constructive ambiguity also allows a vindictive media to paint you how they want people to see you. You’ve intentionally made a void and expected your enemies not to fill it?

  2. Elect someone unlikely to say comrade, ever. You want to win back your disaffected working class, patriotic swing voters. If there is ever another general election.

  3. Don’t pick someone who seems happy, or oblivious, to his/her activists telling any supporters raising concerns to f off and vote for the other side. They may just get fed up enough to do it.

  4. If you’re going to endlessly list the long list of obstacles and biases working against you, maybe look to build friendships with other parties and make common cause against your common foe?

    The enemy of my enemy and all that…if other parties are offering you an electoral alliance for a one off event, like a general election, swallow your pride and do it.

    5. Choose someone who actually wants to be prime minister.

Good luck. Your country needs it.

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People bored of Brexit who voted for Johnson about to enjoy the most boring years of their lives

FIVE TEN FIFTY SAY IT AGAIN : EARLY ANALYSIS of the Boris Johnson victory in the general election suggests that once again a three word slogan, pretending to be a policy, did a lot of heavy lifting.

“Get Brexit Done?” our in house pollster asks, “I didn’t vote for it as it’s nonsense. But enough did. It is a neat trick. Champion a monumental, multi-year project to reshape the country as something as easy as changing your socks,

“Get that over the line,

“Claim the democratic mandate by ignoring the crime involved,

“Then, when it turns out to be a monumental, multi-year project that is almost impossible to implement, and when a big tranche of voters are getting bored of talking about it, just tell them you’ll get it done. Very helpful if your major opposition is championing a policy of dragging it out for much longer. Essentially pull the same con on just enough voters that you did the first time. Simplicity itself.”

And while anyone paying attention to the details of Brexit scoffed indignantly at the slogan, just enough people who can’t be bothered with the details of what they’re voting for, thought, yep, I’ll have some of that. Just get it done.

“May you live in interesting times? That old chestnut. Well, we do, whether we like it or not. But if you voted for Brexit because you’re bored of Brexit, you might want to take a moment to consider you’ve just voted to be bored to death, for years.”

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Quaint Tory MP looks forward to being labelled ‘moderate’ once new Tory MPs start talking

GOVERNMENT OF THE LOONS : JACOB REES-MOGG ESQ, re-elected last Thursday by the good people of North-East Somerset, has spoken optimistically about what he expects from the new parliament.

“To be seen as the voice of reason and moderation,” Mr Mogg told LCD Views, via an interpreter, “it’s hard to imagine there are too many Grieves, Gaukes and Soubry’s in the new intake of Tory MPs. Just imagine what sort of character watches us in action the last few years and thinks, I’ll have me some of that hot action, baby?”

And while Mr Mogg’s attempt at hip talk is distracting, he has a point.

“Mark Francois has a majority of about 31,000,” our election analyst, Mr Moving Toireland comments, “I mean, it’s hard to fathom how that happens? And how it keeps happening? So if the good people of Rayleigh and Wickford can do that, and keep doing it since 2001, what does it tell you about what will have happened now that Labour voters have gone clinically insane?”

That’s a point made even stronger by the fact that many of the candidates selected to break the ‘red wall’ may not have been vetted that carefully.

“Cannon fodder, the lot of them, but now it seems cheerful bouncing bombs,” our analyst continues, “Mr Johnson can get out of the dead cat game and move on to governing for US private health interests, as expected. Once the new parliament is up and pumping we’ll have plenty of spontaneous felinicide to distract us.”

Whether or not Mr Rees-mogg will enjoy being seen as a sensible, middle of the road bit of lobby fodder, remains to be seen.

“You’ll be welcome of his calming presence,” our analyst shrugs, “sometime next February when the new MP for some town in the north that even the north has forgotten about, starts demanding we depth charge the French fishing fleet, you’ll be relieved to hear someone attempt to calm things down with some latin they learned while lying to the Queen.”

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Government bans English immigration to Scotland in preparation for Brexit

ROGUE TAKES QUEEN : Downing Street is not taking the threat of looming Scottish independence lying down. Well, Jacob Rees-mogg is, but Boris Johnson isn’t. Well, he’s slouching, but he’s kinda upright and focused on it. Okay, he expects to bully and bluff his way around the issue, while simultaneously threatening what he sees as a wayward colony with invasion. But. Well. It’s going to be a clusterfuck. Anyway.

“As part of the move to get ahead of the issue of Scottish independence we are banning all English immigration north of Hadrian’s Wall,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told Peston and Kuenssberg, who breathlessly tweeted it without bothering to confirm the veracity of the statement, “this is so patriotic English men and women, and children, and even pets, aren’t infected with unpatriotic ideas of the kind so popular in the frozen north.”

But while the move just seems obvious, especially if the SNP are now able to realise their long cherished ambition of independence, thanks to Brexit, is has drawn some criticism from within the government.

Speaking in the Commons to give his maiden speech, Mr Completely Eyeswivelling Batshit Insane, newly elected Tory MP for Any-on-where, had this to say,

“May I remind the prime minister of how successful the plantation strategy of William of Tangerine was in dealing with the Irish question,” the MP foamed, “and that it would be much more forward thinking to start sending patriotic English people north now to settle in Scotland. This way he will have a secure foothold when fantasists like myself begin demanding invasion to ensure Scotland doesn’t stay in the EU.”

What Mr Johnson will do with the advice isn’t clear. But he better get a wriggle on because rumours say that Sturgeon has already begun building a wall and that the English immigrants already there are going to pay for it.

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MODUS GAMMONRANDY – “I only said racist things to get elected”, says Boris Johnson

GOLDEN DUMP : Newly returned English prime minister Boris Johnson has spoken out today to reassure voters over all the racism.

“It’s just a tool,” he explained, “you can either target the progressive swing vote to win an election or the gammon. Progressives are too busy being right and won’t coalesce easily. Gammon will easily mould into one sweaty, salty lump. Much easier to mobilise. Gobble. Gobble. Yum.”

But while an explanation of his MO was welcomed, it didn’t reassure anyone worried about all the racism, but.

“Oh, that’s real. But it’s equal opportunity racism. If you’re not me, you’re worth less and deserve the prejudice. But you see, where Labour went wrong, was they picked the wrong racism to be branded with. Why do you think I predominately target non-white groups? Think about the swing vote that’s given me a majority so large publications like this one will soon be outlawed under laws to do with respecting the government?”

https://mobile.twitter.com/lukepagarani/status/1205487970897342464?s=21

Whether or not he will continue in this way, now he has complete control of the country, isn’t clear.

“It depends on the day and what I perceive to be in my self interest. Good thing I’m a narcissist or I’d worry about the harm my words cause to ordinary people on the street, but”

As to the rest of us? We can distract ourselves with the food riots that will follow getting Brexit done.

“You won’t be wringing your hands over my racism when you’re basting a rat! Global Britain! What ho! We’re the chosen people, don’t you know.”

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UK declared world’s first gammonocracy

The UN has responded to the election result with dismay. It has downgraded the UK from democracy to gammonocracy.

In the footballing terms so beloved of low-level trolls on social media, this is like being relegated from the Premier League in order to play in a Sunday afternoon pub league.

In practical terms, it means we are now being dictated to by gammons like Joyce and Barry, who seemingly live in a small town branch of Wetherspoons.

For it is now the drunken wishes of self-righteous Joyce and red-faced Barry which dictate policy. We want out, and we want out now, whatever the consequences, is the order of the day.

What about the future of the NHS? Hey, we are all going to die anyway.

What about Our Precious Union? The Irish are violent drunken feckers, and not even Scots likes haggis.

Who cares about being enslaved by Boris Johnson and his ghastly friends? Far better to be repressed by posh Englishmen than enslaved by foreigners.

Austerity? Poverty? Infant mortality? Not bothered, it’s a price worth paying.

Foreigners? Especially those horrid brown ones? They can all go home. Including the ones who are at home in the UK. It’s Britain First, and everyone else can bog off while the honest white working class submit themselves to a savage rogering by rich public schoolboys.

And those Frenchies can take all that stinking garlic with them when they go.

So thanks, Joyce and Barry. Thank you for your selfish, uncaring attitude. Thank you for voting to wreck this country because of your naked racism.

And if Brexit turns out to be wonderful, we will happily eat our words and admit we were wrong. But we aren’t holding our breath.

And if Brexit means we all get screwed over, our rights removed and our money stolen, then, Joyce and Barry, this is down to your small minded, petty attitude. You voted for it. Own it. Be proud to be exploited and delighted to be ripped off.

We told you so, and you refused to listen. You preferred the obvious lies of a man so cowardly that he hides in a fridge to avoid a cosy interview.

Mind you, most of us would hide in a fridge to avoid having to talk to Piers Morgan.

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‘Earliest ever’ family photo taken at Stonehenge discovered by experts

I THOUGHT WE’D HAD ENUF OF EXPERTS : The worlds of politics and archaeology have come together today with news of an exciting discovery.

A recent request by English Heritage for the public to raid their attics and send in photos depicting the famous stone landmark from way back has yielded a result that many privately suspected.

https://www.standard.co.uk/news/uk/earliest-ever-family-photo-taken-at-stonehenge-discovered-by-experts-a4311836.html

“A North East Somerset family, known locally as the Rees-moggs sent in a faded black and white image featuring an instantly recognisable figure from today,” an English Heritage ‘source’ told LCD Views, “he isn’t wearing his trademark top hat, and surprisingly his nanny isn’t in the photo, but it’s very clearly the former MP for the area.”

The confirmation that Mr Rees-mogg esq has been alive since the 19th century has surprised none of the experts at all.

“It’s understood he was actually involved in providing the zero hours contract labour believed to have been used to construct the monument. Although that is just rumour.”

Why the famous nanny isn’t pictured has a definite explanation though.

“It’s because she hadn’t been born, or even conceived at the time the photo was taken. But Jacob himself was shortly to stand for election in what was then the rotten borough of Sanctioned-Bank-Investments. A seat he did very well out of, in spite of the questions it raised regarding the reality of his character.”

English Heritage has requested next that people raid their lofts for wood prints of Mr Rees-mogg during the time of the Black Death of the mid-fourteenth century. Specifically for the rich folk involved in attempting to diminish freedom of movement after the plague via the Enticement Act.”

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Brave Sir Boris!

Bravely bold Sir Boris

Rode forth from Westminster.

Not afraid to do or die,

Oh brave Sir Boris.

He was not at all afraid

To explain his nasty ways.

Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Boris.

He was not in the least bit scared

To be rigorously quizzed.

Or to have his lies called out,

And his image broken.

To have his country split

And his party burned away,

And his manifesto mangled

Brave Sir Boris.

His Brexit done

And his ladies laid

And his liver lillied

And his belly yellow

And his nose grown long

And his pants on fire

And his Johnson…

“Don’t look at that photo of the boy sleeping on the coats, there’s dirty work afoot.”

Brave Sir Boris ran away.

Bravely ran away away.

He ran away from Sophy Ridge

He hid inside a great big fridge

He ran away from Andrew Neil

And wouldn’t defend Theresa’s deal

He wouldn’t go on Channel Four

Instead ice melted on the floor

Bravest of the brave, Sir Boris!