Corporate Cuisine is the latest strand of the celebrity chef genre. Disgraced conglomerate Carillion has lent its notoriety to this latest gastronomic gem.
In fact, the book was written by a disgruntled whistleblower. Author Priti Brastoft has compiled an awe-inspiring raft of recipes inspired by the fallen giant.
“I wanted to give an insider’s view of Carillion,” said Brastoft. “Who doesn’t like picking the bones out of a hash like this? Carillion’s goose was quite obviously cooked, like their books, some years ago. It has been simmering away for ages.”
The cookbook is divided into a number of sections. These include, “Tarts And Fancies”, “Dishing the Dirt”, and “Halal (Bleeding The Little Men Dry)”.
The Carillion Cookbook contains many mouthwatering recipes. For example, Corporate Fudge. LCD Views has been permitted to reproduce this recipe in full, to give readers a taste of what is to come.
Ingredients: 1 large multinational corporation
6-10 crooked directors
2 Pension Funds (unsecured)
4 risky projects
13 crucial infrastructure contracts
A succession of laissez-faire Trade and Industry Secretaries
Bullshit (for garnish)
Method: Install the crooked directors in the corporation. Allow plenty of access to the pension funds. Ensure the Trade Secretaries award the lucrative, crucial infrastructure contracts to the corporation. Leave on the back burner until the coffers swell. Stir in the risky projects and flavour with plenty of arrogance. Continue cooking even after the funds have long dried up. Extract the directors along with any remaining cash. Serve with lashings of bullshit. Clear off and let the Nanny State clear up the mess.”
“I couldn’t put it down,” Secretary of State for Transport, Chris Grayling, enthuses. “I read the whole thing hiding in a cave on Orkney. Unfortunately I’m struggling to remove all the Corporate Fudge from my fingers.”
Coming soon: Donald Trump’s Bigly Book Of Laundering.