LCD Views

IF YOU BELIEVE THEM YOUR SECOND LOBOTOMY IS FREE : The conning Con GE con filled general election campaign moved up a gear today as the conning Cons decided to involve the NHS.

“Nurses! Nurses! Nurses! Come and get your nurses here!” Little Matty Hancock dutifully cried, “we’ve nurses galore! You’ve never seen so many nurses. Pick any colour you like, as long as it’s white!”

For the event Little Matty was dressed in striped tights, a second hand ringmaster’s coat tails and a broken top hat. And boy was he brimming with enthusiasm. The big boys had chosen him as their latest useful idiot and he was making the most of it.

But he wasn’t alone. Nicky Morgan, one of the more confused Tory MPs, so busy turning in circles she never knows these days if she’s coming or going. She was on TV!

She was facing the heat over where the government was going to get 50,000,000,001 new nurses from, given they’d dedicated the last 9 years to getting rid of them.

“It’s perfectly reasonable,” Mrs Morgan beamed, “we’ve discovered an inter-dimensional portal to a parallel universe that’s only populated by unemployed nurses. The brainiacs at Con HQ have discovered a Nursiverse! We will just kidnap, lure, trap or otherwise con the 500,000,000,001 fully trained, NHS oven ready nurses into our dimension.”

While it’s been acknowledged for some time that Boris Johnson’s government had built on May’s work building a portal to a Lieverse, the discovery of the Nursiverse is sure to go down well with the electorate.

“But I must confess,” Morgan added, “the one at the end is a stretch target. But the 500,000,000,000 is guaranteed.”

This is clearly great news for anyone concerned about the future of the NHS if the conning Cons con their way back into government following the December 12th GE.

“And what’s even more exciting,” Morgan completed, “we’re now searching for the Tradeverse. I expect an exciting announcement about the discovery of endless oven ready FTA’s soon.”

This all isn’t so much as oven ready but over baked. I don’t know about you but I suspect someone has been cooking up porkies.

DEGREES OF SEPARATION: The Chinese walls at the all-English BBC are working just fine, claims the BBC. Sharing resources is an efficient way of working, and in no way forms a conflict of interest.

Except that the shared resource is the Conservative party’s notorious visual media editing facility, or video doctors. In recent weeks this unit has produced video clips of Labour politicians, doctored to make them look more stupid than they really are. The BBC has tasked them with making Boris Johnson look less stupid than he really is.

“It’s not our job to point out what an idiot the Prime Minister is,” explained an unrepentant Phil Meditor, head of the BBC’s Propaganda Department. “It’s our job to present him as a credible, competent and popular candidate!”

LCD Views’ Not At All Biased correspondent wondered how the BBC could remain impartial while using the Tory disinformation service.

“We are always impartial towards Boris Johnson!” replied Meditor. “This is our brief, after all.”

How are the public going to make an informed decision about current affairs, if even the BBC are distributing fake news?

“He who pays the piper calls the tune,” replied Meditor. “We are government funded, after all!”

Unfortunately this means the BBC is sacrificing its long standing reputation for reliability and impartiality on the altar of short term convenience. This is something the corrupt wing of the Conservative party (aka the ERG) has sought for years.

“We don’t want a broadcaster, much less a publicly owned mouthpiece, saying things we don’t like,” said unashamed ERG member Justin Kaysov-Exposure. “How better to control the narrative then to bully the BBC by threatening to cancel the licence fee and make them show ads like all the other channels? Well that didn’t work, so we, erm, ‘persuaded’ David Cameron to stuff the higher echelons of BBC News with, you know, people like us. And if they squawk, we will start up with the licence fee thing again!”

The BBC is appealing to the lowest common denominator. Some would say that’s our job. In the meantime, their current affairs section should be called BBC News In Name Only.

A PICTURE DOESN’T LIE : The BBC has responded to the latest furore regarding its efforts to get outgoing Tory PM Boris Johnson re-elected with another entirely credible explanation.

“It’s the best excuse we could come up with, given the time constraints imposed upon us by social media and all those busybodies who insist on double checking our completely honest output,” Head of News Tailoring, Mr K Remlin, told LCD Views, “we couldn’t get the actual footage of Mr Johnsonov back from the film developers in time, so we used archive footage of someone he totally looks like.”

Mr K Remlin went on to say that using footage of little known historical statesman, Winston Churchill “in no way altered the perception of [the complete shower of bumbling farkery that is] Mr Johnson. If anything it detracted negatively, given that Mr Johnson is able to combine stretching exercises with speeches in a way that other guy never dreamed of.”

Whether or not the explanation will satisfy the critics is not yet clear. Suspicions have been mounting lately over the BBC’s presumed impartiality. And these are on top of the concern raised by news anchors shouting “but the people have decided!” for years now at anyone threatening to undermine the will of Vladimir Putin.

“This run of editorial mishaps is perfectly understandable,” Mr K Remlin continued, “you try getting Boris Johnson re-elected! You’re not going to do it without a few errors in the editing suite, let me tell you.”

It’s not entirely clear if the BBC’s reputation can sustain many more of these incidents, but this shouldn’t worry anyone, as news is now just entertainment.

“Tomorrow we will be running a feature documentary showing how Boris Johnson reached the summit of Mount Everest before that Sherpa guy. It’s all true too. Just lie back and enjoy the ride.”

And remember, the first casualty of war is truth, and the second appears to be the credibility of publicly funded broadcasting. But only if you lie back and allow it.

SALTY TASTY IRON RICH DIETS : Mystery solved today with the explanation as to why Britain’s most famous fire survival expert has been missing from the Tory GE campaign.

“He’s busy drinking the blood of virgins,” a source inside the rambling 12th Century Gothic revival Transylvanian tribute act castle that houses Mogg revealed today, “although why he needs such a big residence when he spends half the day in a coffin is anyone’s guess.”

The drinking of blood has long been thought to restore the vital essences of certain undead life forms and no more so than when facing stiff critique.

“The whole storm in a teacup over his comments regarding scores of people that burned to death in a tower block fire really took its toll,” the source continues, “his hair went lanky and albino. His skin had more folds than a novelty restaurant napkin, his nails pretty much dragged on the ground, and don’t get me started on the wreak of decay his every motion unleashed.”

But while the explanation for his absence from the Conservative GE campaign makes perfect sense, it has also given rise to further controversy.

“Apparently some of the blood is imported,” the source shrugged, “but so what? He’s opened a branch of Somerset Capital in Dublin, so as to mitigate the impact of the economically ruinous Brexit project he’s driving onto poor people. He’s apparently invested millions in Russian banks under international sanctions. So why shouldn’t he be international on blood supply to feed his unquenchable thirst?”

Good question.

“In fact he finds the blood of any virgin quite uplifting.”

Which is exactly how he finds the booming food bank sector.

Drink deep and recuperate. Britain needs a man who knows how to Google phrases in Latin to impress idiots on the stump. And it needs a man who knows when to stand up and when to lie, and lie down.

JUST MAKE SOMETHING GO BANG : A task force is steaming north today after Prime Minister Boris Johnson ordered an immediate invasion of the Shetland Islands.

“This has nothing to do with his appalling and shambolic, tone deaf performance on the BBCQT ‘Leaders’ debate last night,” a Downing Street source, given temporary control of the MOD, told LCD Views, “and all to do with a pre-emptive strike against Scotland. There is no reason to release the intelligence report on Russian interference in British politics until after the December 12th GE either. I don’t even know why I’ve mentioned it.”

A pre-emptive strike against Scottish islands is thought very clever in relation to support for the prime minister. Military analysts are working on the assumption it is to head off the eventual nationalisation of the Shetlands by a resurgent Federation of Scotland.

“It’s clear that once Boris Johnson ‘gets brexit done’ that Scotland will secede about half an hour later,” Mr Bumble Bang, lead military encourager at the International Institute for Instituting Less Tolerance, commented, “so an invasion of the prized islands now shows more forethought than we assumed 10 Downing Street possessed.”

Invasions of the Hebrides, Orkney’s, Skye and many others are expected to follow later in the week, as the Prime Minister pursues a strategy of encirclement of Holyrood.

“We expect resistance to be minimal,” the MOD source went on, “largely because we’re sending the leaky aircraft carriers that don’t have any aircraft yet. But just the sight of those giant ships temporarily mooring for repairs in the harbours of the various islands should be enough to lead to an immediate capitulation and the reclaiming of British territory while it’s still British.”

Whether or not this deft move will sufficiently distract from Boris Johnson being shown up for what he is remains to be seen.

“It doesn’t look like anyone is going to invade our islands for us, as the current war is being fought digitally. It’s clear we’re at war because the first casualty has been truth,” the source added, “now let’s wish our brave boys and girls well and hope for a speedy triumph of the North Sea.”

STOP AT NOTHING : Excellent and accurate results from the country’s favourite search engine today with any search for the Conservative Party GE2019 manifesto taking searchers to the correct website.

“I wanted to know what price they’d be charging Donald Trump for the NHS so I decided to look for their campaign manifesto,” Mrs Ord Inary of Knockersknee (a Conservative target seat) told LCD Views, “so I went to Goggle and typed in Tory Party election manifesto 2019.”

The search resulted in Crimestoppers coming out top of the search results, followed by Taxdodges4U and TheTruthisDover.

“It was a funny kind of manifesto as it lists first off all the sitting and recently stood down Tory MPs and the relevant fiscal or sexual harassment crimes,” Mrs Inary-Citizen revealed, “it then goes on to table the various acts sitting cabinet ministers were fired from cabinet over in the previous years.”

But that’s not all?

“No it’s not. What follows is a lengthy listing of the lies told during the E.U. referendum campaign, the vested offshore money interests behind it and lastly, how many people have been adversely impacted by Universal Credit and Iain Duncan Smith in general. Oh and a bonus feature showing how privatisation has cost the country billions and caused misery for voters. It’s a fantastical prospectus.”

But what about MPs and their links to electoral crimes? And all the appalling, democracy destroying cons the Cons are currently running? Seeing as they can’t run on their record in government?

“Oh, the site says it’s under construction, an entire separate website. It’s going to be massive. Your honour.”

Crimestoppers adds a further note that if you or any of your family see a Conservative parliamentary candidate in your neighbourhood today, you should immediately seek shelter and call the relevant authorities.