Brexit : Johnson to sign any old nonsense if it lets him stay PM for five mins longer, just like May before him

STARING INTO POOLS OF WATER AND FINDING YOURSELF BEAUTIFUL : BORIS ‘F BUSINESS’ JOHNSON is said to be on the verge of signing whatever the EU puts before him.

“Any old nonsense will do really,” an aide to the PM told LCD Views, “the key objective is, does it allow him to stay prime minister for five minutes longer? It’s the same criteria May used when she was negotiating her Brexit. Which funnily enough, now looks a lot like Johnson’s Brexit.”

Delivering Brexit is the only thing that matters as the only thing that matters is keeping the support of people who can keep you prime minister because you delivered Brexit. At least for another five minutes.

Johnson has a clear path ahead of him. So simple issues like consequences, intended or otherwise, and complexity over time, are unwanted distractions.

But some have signalled concerns over the way in which the PM is attempting to get Brexit done, regardless of the consequences, and to an arbitrary timetable.

“Those people worry too much about others and their children, and not enough about immediate self-gratification,” the aide retorted, “live life in the moment like Boris does. Let tomorrow take care of itself. Let yesterday be lost in the swirling churn of time. It’s definitely the way to run a country.”

And concerns about what the details of any Deal Boris eventually agrees with the EU, if any, are perhaps vastly over inflated, just like the pound was before it felt the benefits of 3.5 years of pre-Brexit.

“It’s not like he intends to keep any promises,” our analyst observed, “the Brexit deal is like his wedding vows. Something you’re expected to do to get what you want on the day. They don’t mean anything to Boris. And besides, he and the other politicians shoving Brexit down the country’s throat are wealthy enough not to worry about the consequences. So just sit back and be taken for a ride. You’re currently living through history. You should be excited.”

Boris Johnson offers the EU NI, Scotland and Wales in do or die last ditch play for Brexit deal

IT’S NOT JUST ANY CUMMINGS IT’S SHORT CUMMINGS : The kingdoms of Cornwall and Londinium are said to be up in arms today after details of Boris Johnson’s desperate last ditch effort to get a Brexit deal began to leak.

“The only tiny road into Cornwall that Westminster has ever seen fit to build was clogged with protesting Cornish today as the people began a march on Westminster,” our SW Correspondent reports, “those black flags with the white crosses that baffle the people of Surrey visiting their second homes to check if the last AirBnb client left it in good order were seen waving in union as the advance got underway.”

The motivation for the march to the capital appears to be the fact that Mr Johnson has not offered Cornwall on a slab to the EU, while seeing fit to offer up three of the other four nations that used to comprise the United Kingdom.

But it’s not just the Cornish that are upset not to have been included in a hastily redesigned Irish backstop. London is also said to be turning out on the street in a number that even Priti Patel May struggle to contain.

“So too Bristol, Sunderland and Birmingham, York and Salisbury,” our roaming reporter adds, “it seems more than an overwhelming majority of the deteriorating UK are not best pleased to find they will be left behind ruled by the Eton Mess should Mr Johnson agree a deal. And should Parliament be daft enough to pass it.”

There are suggestions that the disparate regions should just declare independence and then offer to form a federation with the top infrequently mentioned people of Gibraltar and the Falklands.

“It’s touch and go if the additional land masses will be enough to get the so far stubborn EU to back down and accept even more UK treasure than already. The automotive, pharmaceutical, aerospace, fintech and fishing sectors have already been forced over by a determined British negotiating team, following the lead set by Brexit Allstar David Davis.

“Although the health and social care sectors have been reserved to flog off to the US post Brexit.”

Whether or not the EU will be weak enough to take everything the Tories force upon them to achieve the aim of making what’s left of the UK isolated, second class European citizens remains to be seen.

“It’s an amazing project Brexit,” our reporter adds, “years of toil, billions in treasure, civil harmony and international reputation all determinedly sacrificed just to be weaker, and with less rights, but to keep some biffers and old Etonians happy.”

It’s a wonder no one has ever tried it before now.

Boris ensures DUP support for his deal by giving them 100 Arcuris

The shock revelation today is that the new unit of political corruption is known as an Arcuri. Boris Johnson has reportedly bunged 100 of them at the DUP to ensure their continued support.

Arlene Foster left Downing Street in a hurry last night. She revealed little of the transaction, but was heard to mutter “It’ll do for now” as she scurried away.

How much is an Arcuri? Some say £126,000. Some reckon, under the metric system, it is more like £100,000. The EU is yet to specify how much of the financial services sector comprises one Arcuri, but it is well known that Brexit Party MEPs salivate at its mention.

The exchange rates are highly volatile. The rates against Sterling and the US Dollar are particularly unstable, going up and down like “Bonking” Boris Johnson’s bottom.

Russia is thinking seriously about replacing the rouble with the Arcuri, in a bid to align themselves better with the Western world.

To clarify the picture, LCD Views’ All Above Board Guv correspondent spoke to financial analyst Curran C. Speculator.

How much is an Arcuri generally agreed to be worth, our correspondent asked.

“How long is a piece of string?” reported Speculator. “It’s as big as you like, and then some. Think of an obscene amount of money, double it, and chuck a couple of zeroes on the end.”

And that is how you calculate it?

“It’s one way,” said Speculator. “Obviously in the USA you have to add a few more zeroes. Think how much it takes to keep the Daily Mail in print for a year. Think how much you have to slip the tax man to not see your offshore accounts. Think how much you have to pay a gobby blonde to keep her trap shut.”

In which case, Jennifer Arcuri should have been paid much more than one Arcuri for her silence.

Nobody knows how much an Arcuri is worth, but it is clearly far too much.

Donald Trump demands his impeachment trial takes place in Russia

FAIR HEARING : World Leader Donald Trump has drawn a Kremlin red line today regarding his impending impeachment.

Taking to Twitter to start his day, as is standard, be he in the Oval Office on the potty, a golf course or making a catastrophic strategic and humanitarian blunder by effectively freeing ISIS and green lighting the slaughter of civilians in Syria, it always involves Twitter.

Initially he tweeted about historical matters regarding the Salem Witch trials, and the associated merchandising opportunities, but he soon got personal.

“Russia! I will stand trial in Russia. If Im Peach and Mint think they can prove I comitteed o fences they have to do it in a neutered court. I want a fare heading. President Putin will ensure I get a good trial. Just the greatest trial. And best of all, it won’t be by fire. That way everyone will stay SAFE.”

But critics have expressed alarm at the demand.

“If he’s found guilty he won’t be happy, even in Russia,” LCD Views’ Whitehouse correspondent said, “the prison terms there tend to be very harsh and confiscating of personal wealth is standard. Also, he’s getting on, I’m not sure he’s up to hard labour in a Siberian prison camp? Surely it would be better that he’s tried at home? He may even be able to cut a plea deal and protect those he cares about most?”

Others however say it’s best he is tried in the home territory of his alleged backers, as they have better access to any information that maybe relevant to the prosecution. Also, there’s no loss of personal wealth to worry about as his money is allegedly not his own anyway.

POOTUS himself seemed to find a silver lining in the building drama though.

“The RATINGS WILL BE ASSTROONOMICAL. Just the greatest TV of ALL TIME. Better TV ratings even than SALE M! USA! USA! OJ and other fruit juices have nothing on me. And they’res NO GlOve to where! MAGA!”

At least he’s right about that. Regardless of where his impeachment trial takes place, the ratings are going to be massive.

Arlene Foster tells Boris Johnson she wants the cash in Euros this time

EU KNOW I KNOW EU KNOW : Current Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Arlene Foster, is to tell the stand up comedy act which has exploded into a bonfire of political crap, Boris Johnson, that she wants the cash in Euros this time.

“It’s the smart move,” our British democracy says, “Boris Johnson is carrying on with the same strong and stable approach to government that Theresa May took, while provincial governor of England under Foster.

“So every time Boris talks pound sterling will dive. Which is intentional, most likely, as so many backers of Mr Johnson have wealth hoarded in offshore, foreign currency accounts. Euros is the smart move. Some days the pound will rise too, after the prime minister talks. Entirely coincidental.”

It’s not clear how many Euros Ms Foster will demand in order to refill Mr Johnson’s as dirty cat box, but it may well be considerably more than Ms May had to pay.

“It’s just a good thing we had all those years of unnecessary austerity,” our correspondent says, “or the government wouldn’t be awash with cash for vanity projects, such as Mr Johnson pretending to run something.”

The Euros will be easy to supply however. Mr Johnson will simply have to uproot some of the roots left under the ground down stump of the magic money tree.

Then he can take them to a bureau de change at any airport, or the floating border posts in the Irish Sea, and turn the pounds into Euros and put the lot in a bag.

After the deal is done Mr Johnson is expected to stand on the steps of Stormont and give a major speech promising “a continuation of strong and stable government, just like we have here in Northern Ireland under the Conservative and Unionist Party”.

The strong and stableness will continue to be a catchphrase because he is just replaying May’s time as provincial puppet, but faster. Which is nice, it means he won’t last longer.

Absent Fatherland – Department for Education orders portraits of Boris Johnson installed in all classrooms

WHO’S YOUR DADDY : The Department for Education was rumoured to be embroiled in a fierce spat with Downing Street today after the executive issued an edict that a portrait of Boris Johnson was to be installed in all classrooms, even the under resourced ones.

But the order appears to have taken current Education Secretary Gavin “the idiot with the tarantula” Williamson by surprise. Apparently because he was not consulted on the installations.

“Gav is like well livid,” an aide to the former fireplace salesman imaginatively told LCD Views, “Boris can have a fifty foot tall poster of himself erected in Trafalgar Square for all Gav cares, but Education is Gav’s domain. Hands off the classrooms.”

And the matter is further complicated as apparently the installing of Mr Johnson’s portraits pipped plans by Mr Williamson to instal his own.

“He’d even had the photo taken. Sitting in an armchair by a blazing fire. Exceptionally paternal. And now Bojo gets wind of it and barges in to put his own picture up first? It’s not on. It won’t stand. It’ll hang. To the wall that is.”

Quite what Mr Williamson will do about it isn’t clear, as first and foremost he wants to protect his ministerial career.

“I think he will probably offer to compromise and say let’s have our pictures up on alternate days? Or let’s just hung both portraits side by side? There has to be a way through this.”

Whether or not Mr Johnson and Mr Williamson will come to an agreement will be key to how things play out across other departments of state too.

“Michael Gove is writing a school song praising Michael Gove. And Priti Patel intends that the new force of Terminator style police robots, soon to be patrolling the nation’s streets, have her smirk and voice. If Boris gets wind of those plans too there’s liable to be more blue on blue action.”

Critics have also moved to intervene in the issue, demanding to know what is actually being done to govern the country? While all this self-glorifying bullshit is going on?

“Oh, we’re not worried about the critics. We just ignore them and carry on. We know best. We’re advised by Dom.”

Other commentators have suggested that the signs of creeping fascism were there right back in the 2016 EU referendum campaign and it would be nice if everyone catches on, preferably before they have to help their kids learn the new school song.

Peas-full protests squashed after Priti Patel orders police to place all vegetables under house arrest

THIS CABINET WILL EAT THEMSELVES : The Police are feeling the impact of a decade’s cuts more than usual today after Home Office Secretary, and former advocate of bringing back capital punishment, Priti Patel, ordered all vegetables in the UK placed under house arrest.

The disgraced former Secretary for International Development, who had to resign under May for attempting to secretly send overseas aid money to a foreign military, took the extreme decision because of vegetables invading central London to protest against the looming extinction of life on Earth.

“Carrots, broccoli (clearly), potatoes and other vegetables are finding themselves confined to fridge vegetable drawers today and guarded by a member of the Met,” a spokesprout for Ms Patel reassured the public, “this is to protect the public from raising awareness of the preventable mass extinction scheduled for this century.”

Clearly red faced chunks of gammon will still be free to barge about the capital, raising their hands in flat palmed salutes and threatening violence to anti-Brexit protestors. As that is acceptable to the rogue, minority government of Mr Johnson and chums.

Plans are also in place to outlaw the carrying of asparagus spears in public on grounds of public safety.

“If you ever wondered why Ms Patel always has that malevolent smirk fixed to her face, now you know. Her childhood dream of running a police state and arresting people exercising their right to protest is now coming true.”

But the order has had some unintended consequences.

A meeting of the governing cabinet, scheduled for today, had to be postponed after half the ministers failed to turn up.

“They have been located inside fridge drawers and will be freed as quickly as Ms Patel is able to stop smirking about it.”

Members of the cabinet identified as gammon were in attendance and feeling much safer in the awareness that all pineapples were confined to their homes.

In unrelated news, everyone is really relaxed about opposition parties complacency regarding bringing Johnson down and forming a GNU now that the streets are safe from the threat of brassicaceae…

Queen delighted to have got through her speech without swearing

The Queen’s English remained queenly throughout her speech. But, courtiers reveal, it was a close run affair.

“Her Majesty was as close to saying ‘F*ck this sh*t!’ as she has ever been,” claimed special advisor Roy Latitude. “But she managed to hold it together and play her part to perfection.”

Latitude also disclosed that the Queen worked very hard to maintain a straight face. “I don’t think she was sure whether to laugh or cry,” he said. “Once she was safely back at Buck House, the air turned red, white and blue!”

Was it comedy, or horror? Have a look through the highlights.

“My government intends to work towards a new partnership with the European Union, based on English exceptionalism and sticking two fingers up,” said the Queen. “It also intends to research definitions for the words get, it, and done.” A ripple of suppressed laughter spread through the House.

“My government will make the trains run on time!” declared Her Majesty, to gasps of astonishment. “And, in the absence of a properly functioning government, will supply an executive replacement big red bus service!”

On care for the elderly, she said “My government will ensure Dignitas in old age.” Cries of “Shame!” were heard, many Tories applauded, and Priti Patel laughed out loud.

“My government is committed to addressing violent crime, and will fight tooth and nail to achieve it,” said the Queen. “Victimless crime, like fraud, gerrymandering and Brexit, will continue unchecked, instead of wasting money on police officers.” Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg, school bully and girly swot, actually high fived.

“New laws will be taken forward to help implement the National Health Service’s break-up and fire sale,” said Her Majesty drily, with an almost imperceptible raised eyebrow. ‘The health of British bank accounts is of paramount importance.”

The government has no majority, no mandate and no time left. Let’s hope this gets laughed out of court before the farce changes to tragedy.

Downing Street denies Queen’s speech will be delivered by Dominic Cummings in drag

DOMMER AND DOMMER : Never ones to be behind the story, Downing Street have denied that today’s Tory Party electoral broadcast will be delivered by anyone but Queen Elizabeth II.

“It’s not going to be Dominic “Short” Cummings in drag,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views exclusively, “it’s going to be the old girl herself. FFS. I AM A GENIUS. Here, hand me that pancake. And the mascara. AND YOUR PHONE AND GET OUT.”

But in spite of the clear and assertive denial rumours are still flying around the Westminster bubble that the person riding in the golden carriage, past the rough sleepers of inner London, and up to the crumbling palace of UK democracy, thus to proceed to a big golden chair, will be Dominic Cummings in drag, and not the Queen.

“For all we know the Queen is in on it,” one commentator speculated without any evidence, “she’s not just doing what she sees as her constitutional duty under duress. She’s not waiting patiently, if quietly furious, for the country’s elected representatives to sort out their own mess.”

And sort out their own mess the government will, judging by leaks in advance of the speech.

“Clearly the detainment and civil rights violation sector is set for a boom, as will be revealed in Dominic’s, I mean the Queen’s speech,” a Johnson SPAD told us, on the condition of anonymity, “so too the food bank sector. You thought it was booming now? Wait until after Brexit. Blood money from weapons sales? Key plank of Global Britain. There’s going to be something in here for everyone. Except the poor of course. But what use are they?”

How much of the speech the government will get to enact is just guesswork though. Since Mr Johnson cleverly administered punishment exclusions of his own MPs, he doesn’t have the numbers to pass laws.

“He’ll just have to keep proroguing Parliament and act as if he has passed the laws. It’s all perfectly democratic. There is no chance at all that the sole reason for having this bogus ramble in Westminster today is in the hope of the speech being voted down and a GE forced upon us.”

At least with the speech the UK can see it’s symbolism is still shiny and on display.

“It’s strong and stable government,” the SPAD added, “now if you don’t mind I’ve got to run along and buy a toy crown for Dom.”

Boris’ deal described as May minus minus minus


When is a deal not a deal? When it’s an old deal reheated and with the bits you don’t like crossed out in red biro.

Boris Johnson’s brand new masterpiece, the stonking great innovation, is actually Theresa May’s old thrice rejected deal with a few bits missing. If May’s deal was an old pack of cards including a Joker with the words “Irish border” scribbled on it, Johnson’s is the same but without the Joker.

Small wonder that the EU negotiating team has dubbed it “May minus minus minus”.

Johnson has also removed Mr Bun the Baker from the pack, and replaced him with Mr Rees-Mogg the Saboteur.

Just to make it easier for the EU to reject his deal while laughing their heads off, Johnson stooge Priti Patel has announced the end of freedom of movement. This prevents Johnson from travelling to Europe to negotiate, although it also means we are stuck with the buggers indefinitely.

It’s no deal better than this bad deal? The bad deal leaves us voluntarily tied to Europe but with no say. No deal sees us fall victim to bigger regimes who will offer us trade on disadvantageous terms and say take it or leave it. Take back control, indeed.

In short, any deal will leave us weakened, no deal could well destroy the economy. You may as well offer the choice between cutting off one leg, or both. And you have to buy your own wheelchair. The option of cutting off neither and carrying on as normal does not seem to be available.

May minus minus minus renders us legless. And not in a good way.

We voted for this, apparently. We voted to disable ourselves and we knew it. Yeah, right. It’s just another lie that nobody is brave enough to call out.

The country is on fire. It is burning out of control. Soon there won’t be any pants left.