Government introduces voter ID – voters must bring one year of Daily Mail’s to prove eligibility to vote

BECAUSE VOTER FRAUD IS THE ISSUE : The government is taking measures to combat electoral fraud by changing the rules around voting.

“It’s too hard to combat widespread electoral fraud, as happened in the EUref in 2016,” Home Office spokesman Gerry Mander said today, “and besides, to admit there’s a serious danger to our democratic standards by digital manipulation of electors would risk showing how hollow the Brexit mantra ‘will of the people’ is. So instead we’re going to crack down on the non-issue is voter fraud. This should distract everyone nicely.”

And distracting everyone nicely, while rigging the hell out of elections and referendums, is now a key plank of modern governance.

“Suggestions that forcing everyone to bring an entire year’s worth of Daily Mail’s is an attempt to gerrymander the electoral register is entirely correct,” Gerry continued, “I mean who has those? Except hardcore Tory supporters? The young? Nope. Lefties? Definitely not. Immigrant communities? Not bloody likely. Working class voters who are happy to be programmed? Possibly. This will ensure our core vote of affluent bigots and poorer people who have been systematically disenfranchised will be able to vote. It’s going to work a treat.”

But some have raised queries about what the polling stations will do with so much paper? Especially given the expected toilet paper shortages to come with Brexit. Surely the Daily Mail’s can be put to better use?

“Of course they can. The climate cost of tabloid journalism is woeful. Especially so when you consider the message carried by the tabloids. A double down. But I wouldn’t worry about storage of the Daily Mail’s in most constituencies.”

Why not?

“Well, a solid Labour or Libdem or SNP area won’t have many eligible voters. So it’s a non-issue.”

What about allowing people to bring a year of Guardians instead? Or Independents? Or proof of digital subscription to a solid investigate journalism outfit?

“Ha! What the hell? We’d be out of power forever.”

Gerry Mander, thank you, and good luck rigging the ballot box.

“We’ll be stuffing them next.”

No doubt, if you thought you could get away with it, or if the penalties for being caught are worth the reward.

“Now it sounds like your talking about electoral fraud in 2016 again and attempting to undermine the will of the people…”

Government orders all transactions in UK be done with Brexit 50p coins so someone uses them

PROPAGANDA SMASH (IN YOUR POCKET) : The government has sought to get behind its own commemorative Brexit 50p’s and push today, ordering all transactions in the United Kingdom to be conducted with the minted propaganda coins.

The new law, enabled by the Withdrawal Bill that parliament passed into law in a fucking coma, gives the executive and ministers sovereign powers to do whatever the hell they like. And they are.

It is however a boon for the struggling UK haulage industry, as significant purchases such as homes and motor vehicles naturally require a lot of 50p coins.

“To make it easier we’ve also changed the law so that the only price possible for anything is in multiples of 50p,” an aide to ‘The Saj’ told LCD Views, “The Saj apparently just wanted to cap the price of everything at 50p, but Matt Hancock is believed to have pushed back, explaining that once the NHS is dismantled and sold off in its entirety, American private health firms are going to expect to be able to charge multiples of 50p for a hip operation, or a heart bypass.”

But critics have suggested that if the UK leaves the EU, then inflation will mean entire fleets of lorries maybe required and there isn’t yet the capacity on the country’s roads to cope with that sort of traffic.

“That’s just remoaners doing what they do best. Moaning over facts and figures. Best to ignore them. You don’t get unicorns by paying attention to reality now, do you?”

Good advice.

“And no putting little stickers saying Bollocks to Brexit on our new 50p coins!” the aide warned, “if we suddenly find ten million 50p coins with Bollocks to Brexit stuck on them, well, we may feel the aim of the brain washing by coin has backfired.”

But it is likely that the real beneficiary of the minting of the propaganda smash will be any firm printing Bollocks to Brexit stickers shaped to fit on the 50p coins. We suggest getting a roll and keeping it handy for when the jingle jangle of creeping fascism starts smashing about in your pocket.

Boris Johnson runs marathon under two hours fleeing Jennifer Arcuri inquiry by London Assembly

DON’T STOP MOVING : They seek him here, they seek him there, those lawyers, they seek him everywhere.

Embattled British Prime Minister, Boris ‘Shagger’ Johnson, has broken the marathon speed record, set only yesterday, by Eliud Kipchoge in Vienna. And he’s done so with no pacers or lasers, just his own will and determination to remain free. Oh, and a route marked out by Dom ‘Short’ Cummings.

While official confirmation is still to be handed down by the relevant authorities (as with most things Boris), we can confirm that the blonde streak of something ran the 26.2 miles in 1hr 30mins.

Hair dancing in the wind, arms flailing by his side, he could perhaps improve on the time if he had better physical form.

“He’s still running,” our sporting chance correspondent says, “he was last seen crossing the Pont Hafren, and is expected to leave mainland UK later today and race across a mind bridge on the sea.”

His actual target destination isn’t clear, but the motivation for the blistering speed allegedly is.

“He’s legging it from the GLA inquiry into his relationship with the Bill Gates of pole dancing, Jennifer Arcuri,” our correspondent informs, “it’s likely he will cross Ireland and continue across the Atlantic. We expect he will make landfall on the east coast of the United States before month end.”

We would advise Boris Johnson takes a sharp turn as he approaches continental North America and goes south. Touching down in the USA may time with the culmination of the impeachment proceedings of Donald Trump and he wouldn’t want to find himself embroiled in all that too.

The only question is will the GLA be fast enough to catch up with Mr Johnson? It’ll have to be quick because Brexit realities are already hot on his heels and closing in from all sides.

We’re not sure what time Mr Johnson will eventually record, or serve up, but there’s the ever growing feeling that his time is almost up…

Government suddenly starts working properly after introduction of compulsory drug tests

The UK has woken up to a fully-functioning government, after years of useless ones. The monumentally stupid pronouncements and childish taunts have ceased. Surprised investigators have discovered the answer.

For the first time in years, in fact probably for the first time since the Magna Carta, Parliament is clean. Rigorous drug tests have weeded out the spaffing spliffers and white line sniffers. Parliamentary boozers are now losers, and the smackheads have been smacked by Matron and sent to bed.

The change is remarkable. Michael Gove, for example, has spoken in the Chamber with eloquence and reason. Not once did he slobber, sway, or go all swivel-eyed. Boris Johnson apologised for making a hash of things, revoked Article 50 and resigned to allow someone more competent to lead his Party. Jacob Rees-Mogg remained upright throughout proceedings.

The change has been hard for some members. For David Davis the change has been difficult, to say the least. He was discovered in the now-closed Alex Salmond Memorial Bar, gibbering, sweating and shaking. Not the DTs, but the realisation that he is a complete fraud.

Theresa May has been banned from taking walking holidays in Wales, because this is seen as a gateway activity to running through wheatfields.

Chris Grayling has stopped bringing coke into work. He is now under a clean living regime, and besides the bubbles used to get up his nose.

Some female members are finding their career paths blocked. The problem is that they cannot sleep their way to the top jobs any more, since the brains of the men they use are no longer addled enough for the men to find them attractive.

The House of Lords has been transformed into a rehab centre, for those who still turn up drink as a lord. For the diehard refuseniks, cardboard boxes have been provided under Westminster Bridge.

And Brexit, the crack cocaine of the masses, has been consigned to the recycling bin of history.

Man of his swerve : Johnson to spend weekend deciding which ally to throw under the bus for a Brexit deal

BUILDING BRIDGES OUT OF BUSES : BORIS JOHNSON, flailing prime minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, is going to have a heavy weekend. He’s got some thinking to do. Some people weirdly trust him and he has to choose who to disabuse, or he may not deliver Brexit. Which would be a shame. If you’re a nationalist politician after independence.

“The DUP? They’re always on the phone. It never stops,” a technical coach, helping Boris understand Instagram, told LCD Views, “like, every time I take my top off to better show BoBo how to upload a selfie with a virile filter, it’s Arlene again! I think he should throw the DUP under the bus and keep Northern Ireland in the CU and SM. He can just front out the rest of the UK wanting exactly the same benefit by saying it’s the elites who did it.”

But other aides to the PM think he should throw different allies under the bus.

“We’ll first he’s got to make a bus big enough,” a local arts and crafts supplier advised, “to this end I am shortly to deliver a truckload of cardboard, craft glue and paints. Oh, and some little Lego people to serve as the people he throws under the bus. I think he should throw the ERG under. They’re so radicalised now they’ll never agree to anything but a Wicker Man Brexit anyway. And if he gets rid of them…wait…the maths is a problem with this Brexit business. Well, he should throw them under anyway. For the public good.”

It’s clearly a tough choice. He’s got to keep enough Labour MPs supporting Brexit too, while alienating a battalion from his own side?

“Probably best to throw Dominic Cummings under the bus? Don’t you think?” the poor sod who has to tidy up Downing Street each evening said, “if I have to scrub another kilo of chicken entrails off Dom’s desk I’ll go insane. Not to mention cleaning up all the scattered knuckle bones, small, hard to identify femurs and what not. The divination rites to decide each day’s new Brexit dead cat play are very messy. It wasn’t like this with May. She just spent each day in the toilet screaming for someone to make Boris Johnson go away.”

One thing is certain, if he does deliver any kind of Brexit, you can wish the UK away. Much better if we just stayed…Boris knows that. Why not throw Brexit under the Brexit bus?

Survivors of sinister cult describe indoctrination by man with massive forehead

The love that dare not speak its truth – Brexit – has claimed many unfortunate victims, but a more worrying dimension has emerged. Recovering victims have spoken of a process of having their heads emptied, this act performed by an individual with an unnaturally large forehead.

Mental hygiene is a phrase much utilised, say recovered cult members. Clearing the mind of impurities, such as critical thought, paved the way to full indoctrination.

“Brainwashing is such an ugly word,” remarks survivor Carrie Ondokta to LCD Views’ Cult Culture correspondent. “But that’s what it was. It was done by a man we called ‘The Alien’. He had this enormous forehead, like Martians in their traditional image.”

Ondokta also remembers the man being referred to as ‘the Dom’. “We just assumed he was the dominant male,” she admitted.

Survivors remember many shadowy figures drifting around, constantly reinforcing the message. Ondokta remembers some of their code names. “Banksy, Boris the Animal, Saint Nigel. I did get to meet a lot of lovely Russians online, though they did seem a bit samey.”

Cult life was good at first. “Brilliant, in fact,” Ondokta confirms. “I felt empowered. For the first time in my life. I spent many happy hours learning how to win an argument by simply saying you lost, get over it. It was a rush, a thrill.”

Cult members happily donated money and sex to the leaders. “We felt loved and respected,” said Ondokta. “Every time we felt a bit bad, or some more annoying facts surfaced, they would give us a new slogan to chant, and sing the sovereignty song:

  “Freedom and sovereignty,

  “Are more than enough for you and me.”

Ondokta quit after being shown the cliff edge over which she was expected to leap joyfully. “Suddenly I realised how much danger I was in,” she said. “Something a bit like scales fell from my eyes, and suddenly the deception became apparent. I went from dog whistler to whistle blower.”

So she left. Leave means Leave.

Man who never wanted to be PM close to achieving his goal

SO YOU SAY YOU WANT A REVOLUTION : Lifelong Europhile and all round fan of freedom of movement and the single market, multi-millionaire, career politician, Jeremy Corbyn, has allowed release yesterday of two key pillars in his plan to achieve a long held goal.

“It’s the bull’s horns of electoral triangulation,” an occasional observer of the LOTO said, while bracing for incoming fire,

“to have released on the same day you’ll stand down if you lose the next GE, thus making masses of swing voters wonder what’s the point? Do you really want it?

“Alongside the voters that actually want you to bugger off and Labour have a broadly electable leader, thus giving them a solid reason to vote Green, Libdem, Plaid or SNP?

“While also teasing your fans, some of whom maybe wavering, with the knowledge this is your last shot to elect the messiah…so you better do it?”

No one will have any idea what to think and everyone will argue over their interpretations of the information, which will presumably be modified or contradicted by other sources.

“It’s very clever. It’s divisive. Getting those that think no blame can ever be attached to you arguing with those that think the presumed PM in waiting should be able to stand critique? Genius. It keeps the never ending sense of struggle never ending.”

Potentially unhelpful in broader terms though.

“In what? This is about defending the 99% against the 1%.”

Ah, I’m too cynical. What was the other horn?

“That’s to release details of where you’ll be on the 19th October, potentially one of the most explosive days in UK politics for a generation? That’s a masterclass of deflection from your real objective of getting a sensible Brexit achieved, while getting to blame it all on the Tories.”

But he will be in Westminster on the 19th.

“For a bit before apparently buggering off to hold a rally in Liverpool the same afternoon. Parliamentary business won’t take long if Johnson brings back a deal from the EU leaders summit. How dare you question the leader! You Tory shill!”

Um. Parliamentary business maybe all day and night…unless this whole article is rendered largely obsolete by the opposition parties coordinating to stitch up Johnson with his bogus Queen’s Speech this week.

“Ah. Yes. Let’s hope they’re planning to do that. I’m sure they’re all going to stop their GE positioning long enough to do that.”

But you know how you can totally destroy the Tories and prove Jezza wants to be PM?

“How?”

By fighting them where they’re weakest. Fight them on Brexit. The hard right, tax dodger’s charter promising a demolished economy and shredded worker’s protections while also isolating the country, dismembering it region by region and emboldening the far right. As it’s plain as the nose on your face after several years, there is no ‘Sensible Brexit’, just like there wasn’t a ‘Jobs First Brexit’.

“Oh, we will do anything to defeat the 1%, but we won’t do that.”

Tory Story : Boris Johnson and EU close to deal which means Brexit lasts to infinity and beyond

FOREVER ISN’T THAT LONG IN GEOLOGICAL TERMS : The news wires have been buzzing for the last forty eight hours with rumours of a potential breakthrough in Brexit talks.

“This is a necessary build up before the inevitable breakdown,” our embedded Brexit reporter observers, “it’s international politics in the style of reality TV.”

But news earlier today that the EU 27 had green lighted more intensive negotiations really got people hoping the ERG are ready to scupper their own aims once again.

“Talk of going into the tunnel sounded particularly ominous earlier today,” our reporter observes, “with some fearing that the GE posturing of the British opposition parties, as opposed to bringing down the Johnson criminal shitshower while they can, may even lead to Boris Johnson getting the great Brexit swindle done. Which would be grisly in the extreme, as Brexit will thus never end. As in, to infinity and beyond Brexit. But without any of the affection, humour or fun of Buzz Lightyear.”

But of course anxiety should be tempered with the awareness that no Brexit deal has ever survived contact with either oxygen or sunlight.

“To get a deal agreed with the EU Boris Johnson will have to convince the ERG, DUP and other headbangers, all with different agendas, that they’re going for a ride on his big red bus of lies and they’re all going to like it. That’s hard to pull off. And then the mass of now independent MPs and Labour, Libdems, SNP and Green would have to sufficiently get behind it. Do you want to deliver Brexit for Boris?”

All that considered, it looks like the Tory Story of Brexit has some way to run.

“Let’s just hope the opposition has a few surprises lined up next week when Johnson has his Queen’s speech. That way enough parliamentarians will be able to credibly look at the electorate and say, you’ve got a friend in me.”

Economic illiteracy is for poor people – Dyson’s cancelled electric car project explained

PATRIOTIC PROJECT MANAGEMENT : The UK’s favourite businessman, and all round potatriot, James Dyson has successfully cancelled his much lauded electric car project, after investing billions.

https://news.sky.com/story/james-dyson-cancels-electric-car-project-11832275

“No one should draw any correlation to Brexit,” an imagined James Dyson said, “just because I’ve moved pretty much my whole show to Singapore is not a sign of my lack of faith in the economic viability of Project Brexit either. The UK should continue to pour billions into that, clearly, the food bank sector for one will greatly benefit. Should millions of hungry mouths eventually lead to a more tax friendly corporate environment I’ll be more than happy to become more patriotic again. You will ultimately all see a benefit of this political stitch up. Especially if you like marching about in uniforms. I don’t have a grudge against the EU for purely personal reasons.”

Helpful reassurance.

Especially helpful is the assertion that no correlation should be drawn between Dyson cancelling a project, years in, that has proven to be economically illiterate, and Brexit. Which has also proven to be not only economically illiterate, but culturally, politically, diplomatically and politically.

Dyson went on to add,

“Brexit is not a political failure, or a failure of the Brexit and Lexit teams. If you’ve been paying attention you would have realised they are closely interconnected. Just have a look at the voting in the failed 2011 attempt to get an IN/OUT referendum and then tell me you’re not being played.”

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2011/oct/25/mp-voted-for-eu-referendum

“This news of my cancelled car project will be wilfully ignored by anyone pushing Brexit. So too any other evidence that they’re idiots who are doing wilful damage to the UK for ideological aims.

“We are working to quickly find alternative roles within Europe for as many once viable British industries as possible. We have sufficient bank accounts to absorb any of the loss of personal freedoms and opportunities Brexit will entail for poor people.

“For those who cannot, or do not wish to, live in a wonderland of creeping fascism, we will laugh at them when the toilet paper shortages hit.”

Farage nominates Putin as caretaker prime minister of GNU

STRONG MEN : Nigel Farage has involved himself in the endless negotiations between opposition parties over who should be the UK’s caretaker PM.

“Why shouldn’t a limited company have a say? It would be undemocratic not to let a limited company without a manifesto decide something as important as this,” the sole member of the Brexit Party stated, “we need someone who really believes in Brexit. So I’m nominating a well known Russian friend of Britain.”

Quite what the other politicians involved in negotiations will make of Farage’s pick remains to be seen.

“You’ve all heard the stories of figures closely linked to numerous Tory MPs having their pockets shoved full with Russian cash. And MPs having their pockets shoved full by friends of the regime. I expect those Tory MPs to vote as expected. So that’s near a majority.”

It’s fair to say that in many ways Farage’s pick isn’t a surprise. The Russian leader is high on the list of who benefits most from Brexit, regardless of what he may or may not have done to help in the referendum.

But some have expressed surprise that Mr Farage didn’t nominate himself, as you don’t have to be an MP to do it.

“No. No. Now that wouldn’t suit me at all,” he responded, “I’d have to actually do some work. You know, turn up for the paycheque. Well, actually, looking at Mr Johnson’s activities since becoming PM they may not be entirely correct. But it’s still too great a risk. Better it someone else. I don’t want to have to cut down on my rabble rousing just because there’s been a flood in Kent.”

Maybe the guy dressed as a dolphin, that famously beat Farage in a GE, would be a better pick?

Or Lord Buckethead.