LCD Views

VERY STABLE GENIUS : The United Kingdom’s one bigliest brain has moved to pour more petroleum on the dumpster fire of the UK’s Brexit anxieties today, via Twitter.

Prolific social media posting, or shitposting, has been the hallmark so far of Mr Johnson’s tenure in 10 Downing Street. So much so that people have correctly surmised that he’s doing sod all actual governance.

“It does make you wonder why he wants a GE,” a Downing Street observer said, “given he clearly doesn’t want to be a prime minister. Couldn’t we just give him a reality TV show instead and save everyone a hell of a lot of bother?”

A timely question, but not one even Mr Johnson will likely face up to, so steeped in juvenile fantasies of power and being a crap Churchill impersonator.

And to that end he has moved to reassure the country he will succeed in imposing entirely voluntary food and medicine shortages, balanced out by extra dogging in Kent, by delivering Brexit by October 31st, do or die, dead in a ditch or on the lamb.

“He’s going to use his ‘great and unmatched wisdom’ according to no one but himself,” our observer relays, after gouging their eyes out on Twitter.

This will definitely ensure he makes a success of it, as there’s nothing he can’t do when he turns his attention to it.

“Except understand how Google hangouts work, apparently,” the observer adds, “but for some things you do have to concede to outside assistance, especially if it comes via a pole dancer.”

It seems reasonable to suggest the assertion by Mr Johnson will be matched against his track record of deliverance, mostly of lost votes in the commons, cases lost at taxpayers expense in the Supreme Court and relations with the Crown.

“To be fair,” our observer ends, “the record he’s achieved since taking office shows an especially unmatched wisdom.”

NO PADDLES REQUIRED : Outgoing British, temporary, caretaker, rogue bull in a China shop, who didn’t have sexual relations with that woman, Prime Minister (to all our edification) Boris “shagger” Johnson has made a desperate last minute plea to the EU to save their Brexit Deal. Even more desperate than this paragraph.

“Look all they have to do is get in their canoe and use their hands to paddle along Brexit Creek until they find me, smack bang in the middle of it,” Mr Johnson said, while weirdly flexing his arms from side to side, “As Zeus, disguised as a rum bottle inside a brown paper bag, said to Agatha Christie, in the height of the Boer War, row with me, row, row, row my boat.”

Whether or not EU leaders will have the required level of British patriotism to agree to Mr Johnson’s generous offer is not yet clear.

“It’s because they’re frightened of our exceptionalism,” a think tank paid lackey said across most of the MSM, “they know we hold all the cards. And all the paddles. And all the canoes. It is really embarrassing how they’ve allowed themselves to be backed into such a corner. We have offered them imaginative, and flexible solutions to the difficulties they’ve gotten themselves into with Brexit. But what did we get in response to May’s red lines? Or to Mr Johnson’s unrealistic attempt to bluff them into throwing the Irish under the bus so a bunch of neo-fascist, hard right idiots could remake the UK as Singapore on the Thames? The closed fist of reality. What has reality got to do with Brexit?”

Quite.

What Mr Johnson will do if the EU refuse to get into a paddle-less canoe and use their hands to push aside the Brexit turds in Brexit creek isn’t entirely clear. But a 10 Downing Street ‘source’ has some ideas.

“We’re going to barricade ourselves inside Buckingham Palace,” the source advised, “that’ll learn them. After we’ve done that we’re going to take our trousers off and stand on the roof mooning towards the continent. The German carmakers won’t be able to stand it. We’ll get that last minute Brexit deal.”

But others aren’t quite so sure, suggesting that Brexit has made the UK a laughing stock and that the sooner we get out of Shit Creek, the better.

POST BREXIT REALITIES : The Department of Education is receiving serious incoming fire today after it announced new measures to help prepare future generations for Brexit.

The sweeping changes, described by that guy who tries to scare bigger boys with spiders (he’s now in charge of your children’s education) as “fun and mental” will clarify what is required to make a success of post Brexit realities, by reassuringly simplifying English grammar.

Key to this is the banning of commas from November 1st. While this may cause some confusion in written texts, it will make managing food supplies simpler.

“As we approach Christmas there will be some disruption to the UK’s food supplies. But nothing that wasn’t fully explained by a Boris Bus in the 2016 referendum. It’s possible also that stockpiled tins of ham will have been repurposed as munitions for artillery militias, as the county wars begin. Thus people will have to seek different sources of protein, but these will be close to hand. Unless your family is not a patriotic, close knit one.”

An example of the clarification to grammar will be sentences pertaining to evening meals.

“Having someone over for dinner is going to change,” a Department of Education spokesman explained, “previously you would have expected to feed them. Now you’ll be expected to bludgeon them to unconsciousness with a Brexit dividend and cook them. It’s pretty straightforward stuff. We suggest you work through a list of people you socialise with occasionally, but you’re not too emotionally attached to. Before moving on to Grandma.”

But critics of the sensible and timely preparations have rounded on the government.

It appears that information leaflets readied for distribution to schools, and further education outlets, have an embarrassing grammatical error in them. Although it must be noted they are printed on edible pulp, so the grammatical errors are expected to reduce rapidly during November.

“I think people are not really focusing on what’s important,” the source responded, “you’ll need to decide if you’re having brown or red sauce with dinner, not weather or knot their’s grammetical errors, in. government Literature. Phocus on whats important hear. Or you may find yourself as the worm and not the early bird.”

LESS IS MORE MORE OR LESS : Downing Street aren’t taking recent Brexit wheeze setbacks lying down (with the exception of Jacob Rees-mogg).

“Not while there’s a single penny left that could better be spent on public services,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “what good are nurses if Donald Trump doesn’t hold our sovereignty? We need to get Brexit delivered.”

To assist in this aim the harebrained geniuses feverishly burning the midnight oil have come up with a new advertising initiative to spaff even more public money on.

“We already know the British people just want Brexit gone,” the source continued, “and we believe if we spend more hundreds of millions of tax money on a fresh wave of propaganda then they’ll want it gone more than ever.”

To this end the award winning “Get Ready” billboards are being got ready again.

“Less is more,” the source said, simply, concisely, briefly and with a modicum of discretion, “less food is more food. Less medicines are more medicines. Less sovereignty is more sovereignty. Less international standing is more international standing. It’s all pretty straightforward when you think about it, more or less.”

Less substance and more attempt to control narrative is more narrative. Once you get the message, you’ll feel you’re getting ready for less.

But what the public will think about all the billions and billions being wasted on such initiatives will become clear over time. Think of what else that money could have been spent on?

“But you’ve got to keep the gammon happy,” the source said, “less happy gammon is more unhappy gammon. We don’t want that.”

Less propaganda and more governance is one message you won’t be seeing on a publicly funded billboard anytime soon. Not until these bluffing charlatans have less power. Much, much less.