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SUPERGAMMONOVA : Army bomb disposal moves Tory Mark Francois to secure location, in case he explodes

FAHRENHEIT MARK’S REALLY DUMB : Westminster residents are sleeping easier tonight with the breaking news that TORY MP Mark ‘Fahrenheit’ Francois Ergsquire has been moved to a secure location until November.

The swift action by The Royal Logistics Corp was triggered by an appearance on television in which the seething ball of salty gammon stated that if the UK did not leave the EU on the 31st October 2019 it would explode.

Blow up.

The entire country.

Which of course reveals clauses in the treaties and agreements underpinning EU membership that until now, no one but Mark has bothered with.

“He would not just go red in the face? Slag off the Germans and sweat a lot like usual? But actually detonate? It’s alarming,” a combustibles specialist commented to LCD Views, “That statement, following the assertion the UK itself would blow up, is a little redundant though? Only cockroaches will survive an explosion on a countrywide scale. Unless. Oh. Wait about.”

Still, while praising the swift action on behalf of authorities to contain Mark, on health and safety grounds, just in case, critics have pointed out that the entire exercise is a waste of army time and resources.

“A bloke on day release with a bin bag could deal with an explosion the size of that little Penfold, surely?” a member of the public sagely asked.

LCD Views would like to wish Mark all the best and hope he is able to survive the UK not leaving the EU again. It must be very tiring to have to live in the 21st century all the time, when in your salty dreams you’re a Spitfire pilot giving the Hun what for.

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Supreme Court to decide if it’s okay to bullshit the Queen into closing parliament

WHO NEEDS RULE OF LAW WHEN YOU CAN JUST RULE ALL : The UK’s Supreme Court is sitting today to decide whether or not Boris Johnson has achieved his goal of becoming ‘World King’, or if parliament is sovereign?

The case has been brought about largely because the current, caretaker prime minister, Boris dePrattle Johnson, is still the emotional age he was when he first dreamed of being “World King”.

But critics of the court case has claimed it is unfair to characterise it in this way as Boris isn’t trying to be king of the world, just of England.

“That’s nonsense though,” a Downing Street source back bit, “everyone knows the only part of the world that matters is England. Thus, he is world king.”

To decide the issue eleven Supreme Court judges will sift through reams of paper, and show a endurance of concentration span that would suggest they spend insufficient time staring gormlessly at smart phones, enthralled by the decisions of algorithms.

“It’s incredibly important. It is about the way the United Kingdom is governed,” our more serious observer observed, “as the case deals with the power of the executive to suspend parliament, it would appear under false pretences (to many) by the very fact no minister or civil servant is willing to attest to the reasons given to the Queen for the prorogation in a signed affidavit, and risk prison. Additional to this the same executive is intimating it may just keep proroguing parliament to do what the hell it likes. No Parliament oversight required.”

Essentially it seems the Supreme Court will decide if the United Kingdom is still a representative democracy or a Borisocracy. We know what we’d rather be.

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“Dominic Raab gave me directions and I ended up in a cupboard” – Boris Johnson explains Luxembourg podium no show

I’M GOING INSIDE I MAYBE SOME TIME : Famous British navigator and confused Foreign Secretary, Dominic “Raging Bull” Raab, has stepped out of the Tory trench today to make himself a target for sharpshooters, instead of Boris Johnson.

The welcome act of self-sacrifice will surprise many, seeing as it’s Dominic Raab, who generally prefers to sacrifice other, poorer people. People who may have temporary cash flow problems. People who maybe feminists.

“I drew Boris the map,” Mr Raab told LCD Views, sheepishly, “I’m sure it was a very good map. I used my bestest crayons and butcher’s paper with only a few stains from last week’s sacrificial lamb.”

Oh, tell us about the sacrificial lamb? Do you mean you ate lamb?

“No. We sacrificed a lamb. It’s part of the price we pay for Brexit. Brexit God hungry. Brexit God want sacrifice. I couldn’t get hold of the withering vine of financial services in time so I bought a lamb to the service. But we’re here to talk about my specialist subject. Maps.”

Okay. What colours did you use on the map?

“My favourite. Blue. Purple. And that light blue Nigel likes. I drew a good map. Any fool could follow it.”

And you drew the podium on the map? In Luxembourg?

“Yes. I drew Dover and Calais and Luxembourg. I even put a rectangle around Luxembourg. I wrote enter here. I wrote ‘Broom Cupboard’ next to it to give a point of reference.”

So why do you think Boris Johnson couldn’t follow the map?

“I drew a dragon. A big, noisy dragon shouting boo at the side of the podium so he wouldn’t go that way and get lost. The dragon was called ‘A few dozen angry British ex-pats’.”

Don’t you think you should have called them immigrants?

“No. We’re special like that. Would you like me to draw you a map?”

Thank you, but no, we prefer to know where we’re going.

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Boris Johnson updates Winston Churchill’s famous speech about beaches by replacing “fight” with “hide”

MAKING A SUCCESS OF HIDE AND SEEK, AND BREXIT : Global Britons have renewed cause to puff out their chests and sing an ode to joy today. The reason being the news rubbish Churchill impressionist, and prolific social media video performer, Boris Johnson, has rewritten one of Winston Churchill’s famous speeches.

“It’s more of an update than a total revamp,” a desperate Downing Street mouthpiece said, “a total rewrite would be too much like hard work for Boris. But I think the impact of the update will be as searing emotionally as the original, dated speech.”

While the new, better text, won’t be fully revealed until Mr Johnson reads it out live on social media channels, we have been leaked excerpts and can reveal the most significant modification.

“As you can see by using the most up to date technology it was very easy for the prime minister to find the word ‘fight’ and replace it with a better word, ‘hide’. Now everyone can be proud of Brexit again.”

But critics of the move have said it would have been better to have left the original text intact and recorded Mr Johnson singing the English national anthem, “Two World Wars and One World Cup”, and then used new digital technology to have Winston Churchill singing the anthem to the House of Commons, but with Boris Johnson’s voice. Which makes sense, as there is ample black and white footage extant with which to make the deep fake.

But critics of the critics hit back at the suggestion, commenting that as Mr “Hulk” Johnson is already a deep fake, on his own terms, that it would just be overkill on the fakery front.

LCD Views would like to commend the prime minister for his wisdom, agility and courage, as exemplified by his winning of yesterday’s hide ‘n seek contest in Luxembourg.

“We shall hide on the beaches. We shall hide on the landing grounds. We shall hide from the press conferences, and from a few dozen angry British folk. We shall never surrender our hiding place…”

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Boris “Hulk” Johnson shows just how fucking fierce he is by hiding from press conference and protestors

CHICKEN RUN : Who said an old dog can’t learn new tricks? Well, Boris Johnson, that old dog, he can.

And it’s a good thing too. For years now anyone even half conscious in the United Kingdom has had to reflexively cringe when Boris Johnson speaks. Especially if he speaks to foreigners. But now he has found a strategy to spare even the softest snowflake’s blushes.

“He’s decided to hide, rather than risk being embarrassed,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we all know if his lips are moving he’s lying. And sometimes he can be a tiny bit intentionally racist. Well, if he hides none of that is a problem. It’s genius.”

And it’s a well timed stroke of genius. There were plenty of protestors out and about today as the one man human whirlwind was let loose at Junker, and Xavier Bettel.

“We’re all really relieved,” a spokesman for the government of Luxembourg said, “we know Mr Johnson is famous for his temper. And the madder he gets the stronger he gets. It would have been terrible to watch him go all green and sweaty at the podium. The EU would probably have torn up the Irish backstop there and then, just to save themselves!”

But there was no fear of that, as Mr Johnson was nowhere to be seen.

“As soon as he realised he was going to be on film again, and broadcast news was going to carry footage of him waffling nonsense with protestors shouting ‘Stop the coup!’ in the background, again, he did go green. But it was green at the gills. Then he just vanished. Who knew the Hulk was also the Invisible Man. I guess it’s obvious. You never see them in the same room together.”

And here we all were thinking the Tory prime minister who started all this and ran away, David Cameron, was the Brave Sir Robin of British politics? And now we discover there are two brave, brave, brave Sir Robins.

When danger reared its ugly head they bravely turned their tails and fled. That doesn’t sound like the Hulk to me.

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REVOKE ARTICLE 50 policy undemocratic say MPs defending mandate from a dodgy opinion poll that was heavily corrupted

TO BE DEMOCRATIC OR TO BREXIT : A British political party has set the cat among the Brexgions over the weekend when members attending a party conference voted overwhelmingly to adopt Revoking Article 50 as party policy.

“It’s nuts,” a random Tory MP decried, “you can’t just STOP BREXIT, if you win a mandate in a general election, that would be undemocratic. Clearly. Democracy begins and ends with the corrupted, advisory vote held years ago. Everyone knows what. Wheelbarrows of dodgy overseas cash achieved it. What about all the data crime people had to get away with? And what about the benefits? I’m planning to live well beyond one hundred to enjoy the benefits! I want to stand proudly in the immigration queue at Calais brandishing my blue passport!”

And the policy does run contrary to the way democracy is currently conducted in the United Kingdom. This by ignoring all evidence that the policy determining all other policies is batshit crazy, and will only benefit the extremes of politics and tax dodgers.

“What will happen to the shrines planned to Brexit?” a Labour MP no one had previously heard of demanded, “I’ve already got my offerings planned. I was going to lay the rest of the automotive industry at its feet and burn it. The guy I run into now and then at the Spoons was planning to laugh himself stupid as the financial services sector relocated to the US and EU27. What will he do with his stockpile of schadenfreude now? It’ll go out of date and there won’t be much of a pharmaceutical industry left to replace it. What about his plans to pay more income tax to make up for the sacrificing of the golden goose before another goose had been bred?”

Good questions indeed.

A No Deal Brexit would mean the intentional severing of over 700 international agreements at the stroke of a clock and leave a confused populace struggling to make sense of what happened to day to day life, while a chaotic clown car premiership makes social media videos saying how wonderful everything is. All “mandated” by a crime scene opinion poll held years back. One the previous PM’s QC agreed in court would have been quashed had it been binding.

What could be more democratic?!

It’s a good question. Just make the chaos stop? Hold public inquiries into how we got into such a perilous shambles? Tell the Brexiters to bugger off and come back with an actual detailed plan if they want to try again? So that will never happen…

“Stopping Brexit would divide the country,” a voting fodder MP weighed in, largely because they haven’t looked outside at the state of the country for years now.

How would you reunite the UK? You could start by holding public inquiries into the crimes conducted for Brexit.

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Boris Johnson’s premiership just “a joke” insists 10 Downing Street

HE’S THERE ALL WEEK : Boris Johnson’s unelected, undemocratic pun writer has hit back today at suggestions people should be taking Boris Johnson’s premiership seriously.

“It’s just a joke,” Dom “Short” Cummings hissed, “you people should get out of London more. There’s plenty of people to shout jokes at in the shires.”

Quite why anyone is taking Mr Johnson’s time at 10 Downing Street seriously is a bit of a mystery. It’s potentially explained by the damage his non-stop gagathon is causing.

“Are you not entertained?” our political analyst wanted to know, “day after day another gaffe, another poorly executed crap strategy which backfires, another video of people shouting their anger at Mr Johnson. It’s a proper carnival. Slapstick politics as entertainment. It’s how you run a modern, industrialised, representative democracy. Without representatives! It’s a hoot.”

But it seems not everyone is getting the joke.

“They need to play the exchange markets. Sterling is a proper rodeo horse. It’s exhilarating.”

But just to make sure everyone is on the same page, a Downing Street source advised us of other things which are just a joke.

“The smearing of the judiciary. That’s one. Lying to the Queen. The book burnings planned for November on College Green. The expulsion of thought criminals. The intentional designing of an immigration system to deter anyone from staying or coming to the UK. The list is a long one.”

But just in case anyone was in any doubt about how big the joke of Boris Johnson’s premiership was, 10 Downing Street offered a final bit of clarity.

“The jokes on all of you. Global Britons. You’re the punchline. Do you like it? If you don’t then you should Revoke Article 50. That would be the democratic equivalent of hitting the big button on a TV talent show that makes the tired, flatlining act stop.”

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Last night at the Proms – BBC to ban people without St George facial tattoos after Brexit

THE RIGHT FLAG AT THE PROMS : The BBC has issued new guidelines for acceptable crowd behaviour at its most famous annual event, the Last Night at the Proms.

“Ever since the people of England overwhelmingly voted for Brexit in a free, fair and completely uncorrupted, binding opinion poll,” the BBC Parochial Correctness Gone Mad Attaché told LCD Views, “culturally corrupted individuals have been attempting to ruin the purity of the Proms. This will stop after Brexit, thanks to new powers we will possess after legislation covering human rights and free speech has been corrected.”

In particular the new guidelines will focus on flags and the waving of flags.

“Too many people have been seen to sow dissent during our entirely British musical experience by waving flags of the enemy power across the channel. We will be putting a stop to this.”

Initially the thinking was to only allow people to enter Albert Hall for the last night in the nude, but that was put on the back burner in case people attempted to enter with the wrong flag planted in their bums.

“We simplified the vetting criteria by deciding only people with Saint George flags tattooed on their faces can now come along. This way we will know everyone is a patriot and no one is hiding an EU flag.”

The music will also be much safer.

“Only Land of Hope and Glory will now be played, repeatedly, with a little God Save The Queen thrown in, so long as she agrees to continually prorogue parliament.”

What about Rule Britannia?

“Good suggestion. So only Land of Hope and Glory, God Save The Queen and Rule Britannia. And now foreign flags in bottoms.”

Last Night at the Proms. After Brexit, we’re going to make a success of it, and do it as patriots.

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David Cameron reveals : The Pope is Catholic and something about Boris Johnson

2019 NO SHIT SHERLOCK AWARDS FINALIST : Britain’s greatest surviving Prime Minister, David “Hoodie” Cameron has broken his vow of silence today to treat the country to two key revelations.

“Well I was in my shed,” the man famous for understanding of detail and strategic vision said, “and I was wondering if I should do some revelations? Would it destabilise my shed to offer it an IN/OUT of the garden referendum? Probably not. And that led me to thinking about the Pope and another enduring question that appears to repeatedly puzzle the nation.”

The question is “Is the Pope Catholic?”

“People are always asking this question,” Mr Cameron continued, “and it can only be because no one has sufficiently answered it.”

But Mr Cameron believes he has cracked that nut.

“It’s to do with hats, a man’s religion, you just have to look at the hats,” Mr Cameron schooled the nation, “the bigger the hat the more popish someone is. So it’s blindingly obvious the Pope is Catholic. If only governing the country in the interests of the Tory party, and its various factions, was so simple! Ha!”

But it wasn’t just solving that ancient riddle that had kept Mr Cameron busy.

“I’ve also been thinking about Boris Johnson,” Mr Cameron paused meaninglessly, “he backed Brexit for his career. Not many people realise that. Most think he did it to provide additional weekly funding for the NHS. But that is wrong. I can tell you today. I’m certain.”

The revelation is sure to be welcomed and has caused a ripple to run through the nation. Also more questions, such as, why speak out now when the calamity is so intense? Why not before? Is it just because he’s trying to flog a book about a privileged man’s journey to failure, and wants some controversy? We may never know.

“I’m working on bears now,” Mr Cameron revealed breezily, “namely where they defecate. That’s another of life’s enduring questions.”

We’re certain, with Mr Cameron on the case, it’s another question that will soon be answered.

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New British passports to be Norwegian blue

Blue passports. The one and only real Brexit dividend. But which shade of blue? Leavers are upset that by the unusual choice of Norwegian blue.

“Things were better in the old days,” grumbled Brexit supporter Rose Tinted. “Blue meant blue, not some poncy European turquoise rubbish!”

But Tinted could not recognise Norwegian blue from a colour chart. “It’s bad enough that we have to be so close to Europe,” she moaned. “Now they are naming British colours. It’s not on. Who invented colours, that’s what I would like to know.”

In fact, the only definite thing that Tinted said was that she didn’t like any of the blues on offer. Not even Deacon Blue, Lionel Blue or See-Through Baby Blue.

Polly Chromatic, junior Home Office minister with special responsibility for the Colour of Things, gave her official response. “Norwegian blue is a very evocative colour,” she explained. “It creates a sense of pining for the fjords, that wanderlust, making it a highly suitable shade for a passport. Even though the passport will be redundant before it is issued, it is a symbol of the British refusal to give up. It has been metaphorically nailed to its perch.”

The new passports, made in the EU because it’s cheaper than buying British, will be shipped to the UK as soon as some kind of trading agreement is, well, agreed. In the event of a no deal Brexit, ports will close and the passports will be stranded in France, and no amount of blue pigment will change matters.

“But that’s ok,” said Chromatic. “Because nobody who owns one will actually want to use it. The Norwegian blue passport is a trophy, a demonstration that we have got one over on the EU. To loyal brexiters they are simply too valuable to use. Like the Brexit 50p’s. Mind you, they will be two a penny!”

One thing is certain, though. It is a dead passport. It has Ceased to Be.