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Brother Does The Splits! Jo Johnson quits government (again) to spend less time with his family (again)

ALL BY MYSELF : In a totally unforeseeable turn of events prime minister Boris Johnson’s brother has quit the government (again) and taken steps to distance himself from the loser of the family.

“I want to focus on spending less time with my family, again, especially my bloody brother,” Jo Johnson told a packed press gallery today, “I am stepping down from whatever ministry it was I stepped up to a few weeks back, when Dad and Boris got me on a three way conference call and threatened to shave my head when I was asleep.”

But leaving government isn’t the only step Jo is taken to put some water between himself and his politically flailing sibling.

“Furthermore, I want it known that I have instructed my solicitors to change my name by dead poll to ‘Jo Go’, as that way, hopefully, no one will associate me with the burning ball of crap currently crashing to earth with terminal velocity.”

It’s not thought yet how Boris Johnson will take the departure of his sibling, as it’s surely another nail in his political coffin.

But a source inside Downing Street was relaxed about the resignation, saying,

“It’s saves Dom the effort of chugging down a bottle of Bollie and going over there to tell him to f off in person,” the source shrugged, “and besides, there’s still forty seven Johnson siblings currently serving as Conservative MPs, until the next purge, so Boris can just appoint the next blonde cab off the rank to whatever it was he bullied Jo into doing a few weeks back.”

Downing Street maybe taking the loss in their stumble, but it’s surely another sign that the end is nigh for a bungling administration that only yesterday took office.

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Bungling Boris BLITZED as Parliament passes law FORCING Johnson to admit WW2 ended in 1945

PM HUNKERED AN’ BUNKERED : Boris Johnson is facing a bigger catastrophe than losing his Commons majority today after traitors in parliament ganged up with saboteurs in parliament to take away his last remaining weapon.

“What will he talk about? What will he allude to now to fire up the shrinking electile base?” a source embedded in the Johnson bunker texted us.

This wasn’t overly helpful as they’re supposed to be sending out information, not asking for it.

“If Boris Johnson has to admit, publicly, that WW2 is over, it’s very hard to see how he will maintain his support within the delusional corridors of what’s left of his party, and in the Kipper base in the shires. Just what will he do? What will he talk about? How will he deliver Brexit?”

And it gets worse.

Johnson’s platoon of useful idiots, Bridgen, Francois, Fabricant and the like, are for it too.

“There’s talk of a cross party bill being rushed through by an emboldened Commons to force Francois to admit his surname is French! It’ll be the end of him. And Bridgen will have to admit he didn’t take part in the D-Day landings. And even worse, someone from the ERG will have to state publicly that WW2 was won by joint international effort, no disregarding Britain’s pivotal role, but, we didn’t actually win it alone. It’s very hard to see where they go for talking points about just in time supply lines after that.”

But critics of the bill have pointed out one flaw in it.

“It does say he has to admit the war ended in the actual House of Commons. With parliament prorogued soon it buys him a few weeks to attempt to wriggle out of doing it.”

How could he do that?

“By organising his leaving drinks of course. He’s lost pretty much everything, he can at least claim the title of shortest ever serving prime minister. His reputation is in pieces. That’s one thing he can take away and keep forever.”

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Sajid Javid announces plan to tax kids pocket money to pay for Brexit

WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER : The latest Chancellor of the Exchequer, Sajid Javid, has taken to his feet in the House of Commons today to announce sweeping changes to the way the public coffers are filled, and then emptied.

“The magic money tree is dead,” Mr Javid began his address, “so we have to seek coin in different pockets. Put our hands in different pockets. Pluck the green shoots of a newer harvest. To this end we are seeking the involuntary support of the generation that will most fully enjoy the benefits of Brexit.”

He then talked about sunlit uplands for a while, going so far as to describe how he pictured arriving at them on a double decker bus of the spirit, before…

“There will be unicorns. Children love unicorns. They get them as gifts all the time. But do they ever pay for them? Little scroungers. Well, no more I say! No more bad parenting ruining the chances of poor children! We can not, we, the caring conservatives, and hoodie huggers, no matter how hard we slash the public services! No matter how many youth centres we close! We can not do this alone. The children of Britain must stand up and put their hands in their pockets. We are all in this together! Some of more than others. We have all chosen our destiny.”

He then called himself The Saj for ten minutes, as if it in somehow made him relevant, before returning to the tax on kids.

“Tighten your belts children! Pull up your braces! Be prepared for a means tested tax on your pocket money. Do your part for Mother England.”

The means testing will mean only children earning under £1,000 per annum in pocket money will pay, at a rate of no less…

“And no more than 75%.”

Sounds fair.

“Trust the Saj! And pay your way for Brexit. It’s your future we’re paving.”

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Boris Johnson to withdraw whip from all Tory MPs and govern alone by the “divine right of Brexit”

EMPEROR TYRANNICUS BORISUS : 10 Downing Street already had the gloves off after last night’s mauling in the Commons, but now they’ve moved to tear the skin off their hands as well.

“Mr Johnson will be removing the party whip from the entirety of the Tory Party today and will then govern alone,” a Downing Street source reveals, “it’s a special strategic move on the advice of that master of battle, Short Cummings.”

In order to make the change to constitutional arrangements easy to understand for the general public, the prime minister will also be adopting a new title.

“Emperor. It was focus grouped via phishing campaigns on social media and found to be marginally more palatable than tyrant.”

But critics of the move had pointed out a bit of fudge in the announcement. Perfectly normally for the dynamic duo of Johnson and his master Dom.

“The adoption of the title Emperor won’t actually happen until parliament is prorogued later this month,” our Westminster specialist reveals, “this will cause some serious mistakes for the postal service. People will be incorrectly addressing correspondence to the prime minister from today!”

But there was full support from the Tory MPs who didn’t have the guts to rebel yesterday against food and medicine shortages.

“If it’s good for my career then that’s good enough for me,” said a random MP from a shire somewhere, “who knows, he might make me responsible for the gladiatorial games? I could even end up leading an army to glory in the border wars to come with Scotland? It’s a proper opportunity.”

What the Queen will make of the change isn’t yet clear, as it will presumably raise Mr Johnson over Her Majesty.

“We will have Jacob go up and stretch out on a divan,” the Downing Street source shrugged, “then he’ll lie to her about it and she’ll be none the wiser.”

Ruling by the divine right of Brexit? That’s a dying God he’s pinning his laurel on.

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Johnson to visit secret lab where Mark Francois clone has been bred to replace Ken Clarke at next GE

THE POUND STORE BOYS FROM BRAZIL : Do not EVER think Boris Johnson and ShortCummings have no dastardly plan to survive the parliamentary blitzkrieg they suffered last night. They knew it was coming all right. They went looking for it chin first.

“That’s because they needed an excuse to deselect and withdraw the party whip from the most respected and capable of their Tory colleagues,” our political pseudoscience correspondent reports, “so they could replace them all with ERG clones at the next snap GE.”

And replace them they will with lab bred men of a calibre rarely (mercifully) seen on the political battlefield.

“Ken Clarke is out!” our correspondent continues, “and the people of Rushcliffe will find themselves more than willing to vote for the Mark Francois clone who even now is having the fecal scented, amniotic gel wiped from his baby eyes. Once he’s elected they can be certain of rushing to the No Deal cliff.”

And it’s not just Mark Francois. An Andy Bridgen has been raised from the mad scientist soup to replace Churchill’s grandson, Nicholas ‘hashtag’ Soames, in West Sussex.

“There’s more too. An Andrea Jenkyns is done to take Putney after Greening legs it. A Nadine Dorries will shove aside Rory Stewart while mumbling brains brains. The list is long.”

The list is all wrong.

It’s said this has all been years in the planning. You think Brexiters don’t do detail? Oh, you just wait until you see a lot of mini-Moggs knocking on doors across the land. They do detail all right. So long as it’s from the files of certain WW2 scientists.

“There’s more than enough misremembered imperial nostalgia in the Tory Party tank to keep a dozen Bridgens spitting foam and red in the face as Fieldmarshall Boris leads the charge to conquer Little Engerland.”

Or there isn’t. If parliament is smart it’ll let Boris stay hoisted by his own petard until he’s so drained he scurries back to the lab and remains forevermore underground.

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Boris’ election slogan: Coalition of chaos with Corbyn, or glorious f*cking apocalypse with me

The UK has been offered a stark choice. Chaos or catastrophe. Unbelievably, the latter is the current favourite.

Crime Minister Boris Johnson, or more likely his de facto boss, Dominic “Winter Is” Cummings, has come up with a snappy slogan. Johnson has channelled the clumsy spirit of his predecessor, the piggy porcophile David Cameron.

“Do you want a coalition of chaos with Jeremy Corbyn, or a glorious, glorious fucking apocalypse with me?” Johnson asked, while denying that another election would ever take place while there was breath in his body.

It’s devil or deep blue sea. The People of Britain are buying it, too. Many would rather re-enact the destruction of Atlantis than contemplate having a lefty within 50 yards of Ten Downing Street.

For an election is surely coming, like winter and fuel shortages. The Get Ready For Brexit posters may as well say You’re Going To Have To Vote Again, Suckers.

Cautious citizens are already stocking up on firewood, oven-ready rats, and postal votes for the Conservative Party.

Neither faction has any idea about what is going on. Remainers are too busy saying what they don’t want, and won’t agree how remainy they want to be. Meanwhile the pro-Brexit vote is likely to be ambushed by Nigel “Wrecking Ball” Farage.

It is likely to be the balance of power will be held by crossbenchers. And some of them are very cross indeed.

“I’m not just cross, I’m extremely miffed!” exclaimed independent MP Jack O’Vorltrades. “How dare these irresponsible idiots trash the country for profit! I got so angry, I almost signed an online petition!”

He won’t let power go to his head. “If we win, I’m putting myself forward as a potential Prime Minister,” declared O’Vorltrades. “So long as nobody else wants to do it. It’s exciting, I’ve never mastered anything yet. This could be my big chance!”

Chaos, muddling through and the status quo. Whatever you want.

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THEY’RE ALL OFF THEIR TITS : Johnson PLOTS to win BREXIT votes by spiking MPs’ drinks with crystal METH!

CHEATING CAN BE HABIT FORMING : 10 Downing Street is rumoured to be in lockdown this afternoon after a key government strategy to win crucial No Deal votes in the House of Commons was leaked to the press.

“The old Westminster saying of ‘you don’t have to be high to work here, but it helps’ was said to be the inspiration for the latest government strategy to see off Tory rebels after lying, cheating, blackmail, bribery and garden variety physical violence threats all appear to have failed,” our regular user of politics reports.

It seems the scheme to spike all drinks at the House of Commons bar with crystal meth was hit on, after an earlier mass kidnap plot was ruled out as having for too many health and safety requirements.

“Initially the plan was to trigger the fire alarm each time a vote was taking place,” our reporter invents, “but that was discarded as the building has been on fire since 23/06/16 and no one seemed to care much, till now.”

Another wheeze of Mr Johnson individually seducing every single MP, and stealing their entry pass while they slept, was ditched when it was calculated just how time consuming it would be. And besides, he’s busy trying to shag the entire UK, so it was deemed overkill.

“Also got rid of was a plan to change the locks, but that was ruined by Bercow having superglued himself to his chair, along with Ken Clarke.”

But once Angela Leadsom remembered how funny wacky backy made her feel, old dealer Gove is reported to have allegedly said he could look up some old friends, the crystal meth plan was hatched.”

But this now lies in ruins too due to a leak.

“I’m not sure it would have succeeded anyway,” our reporter guesses, “they’ve all had to have been already completely off their tits for years to allow our politics to get to the deranged state it is.”

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Search and rescue teams call off search for Boris Johnson’s ‘popular appeal’ saying it’s “sunk without trace”

MAKING A TITANIC SUCCESS OF PREMIERSHIP : Do you ever get that sinking feeling when you look in the mirror? That’s the question the UK’s Prime Minister is reported to have asked the woman he left his wife and children for this morning.

The search and rescue feelings operation is rumoured to have been triggered after an actual search and rescue team threw up their hands and called it off.

“They were looking for Boris Johnson’s popular appeal,” our Westminster insider confirms, “it’s so famous it is apparently visible from space, but no one has seen it for some time.”

It’s believed the unsinkable aspect of Mr Johnson’s character (using that term purely in the theatrical sense) first came into contact with reality when it ran aground a shallow reef called “Prorogue Rocks”.

“It then became further imperilled as the tidal chant of ‘Stop the Coup!’ began to rise, even as Mr Johnson attempted to lift it off the rocks.”

It’s believed he abandoned ship and scuttled to safety as the bows filled with churning waters and the ship began to list heavily, tearing open its hull across the jagged rocks as it did so.”

A decision to undertake a new rescue is being considered, but this is seen as the highly risky GE strategy, which could lead to complete and total loss for many.

“He’s got a rescue dog, believing it would help,” the insider added, “but it’s only good at sniffing out bullshit, so it’s just sat at Mr Johnson’s feet holding its nose.”

No memorial statue is planned.

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Identity of Boris Johnson’s speech writer confirmed by 10 Downing Street leak

STUMPED SPEECH : The mystery of what the hell happened when Boris Johnson had the podium out last night has been solved by a Downing Street leak. And we’re not talking vegetables here, although that would be just as appropriate.

“Millions tuned in to BBC News last night at 6pm after Tory spokeswoman, Laura Kuenssberg, tweeted late yesterday afternoon that the prime minister would be making a surprise addition to the catalogue of British, political, orificiary oratory,” our imbedded Downing Street reporter says, “but from the moment the prime minister was late starting, people began to worry if this will be just as pointless and frustrating as former PM May’s speeches.”

And they were right to worry.

“Mr Johnson did eventually emerge. Reportedly after locking the entirety of Conservative MPs in a basement dungeon. He strode to the podium without tripping, much to his relief. Although personally I was disappointed.”

There was surprisingly little racism or xenophobia in the stump speech, which was at least different to his newspaper propaganda, but there wasn’t really any content at all.

“There’s suspicions it wasn’t the speech he intended to give,” our insider muses, “after his attempt to at first charm, then browbeat, then blackmail his MPs failed to bring enough onside. It’s a funny time when calling a GE is an actual threat? If they know privately they’ve made such a hash of looking after the country, many would lose their seats, than that’s precisely why they should call a GE.”

But for all the swagger it was essentially like listening to May attempting to make her Brexit strategy sound credible, when it was empty and self-defeating.

“At least he’s a continuity prime minister in that sense. He had nothing but to threaten to saw off his legs and send the amputated limbs express to Brussels. That’ll learn ‘em!”

The one silver lining is based on the presumption Theresa May herself was watching the bumbling, blonde charlatan at the podium, the strains of “Stop the Coup” almost drowning him out.

“Now she knows what it was like to put up with her ridiculous set pieces. So that’s something at least.”

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Boris Johnson appoints rescue dog as new Scottish Tory leader

DOG WHISTLING IN THE WIND : Boris Johnson has moved to firm up his not insignificant Scottish support today with the appointment of a new Conservative and Unionist Party leader north of Hadrian’s Wall.

“We’ve gone canine,” a Downing Street source advised LCD Views, “having an actual human up there didn’t work out so well. We’ve gone back to traditional governance of the Caledonian colony.”

The dog, who will be named soon by polling English Tories, has come pre-loaded with a load of useful tricks and skills.

“It isn’t exactly a rescue, in the strictest sense of the word,” the source disclosed, “it was actually owned by the friend of a friend of a fan of Nigel Farage. He called it Foorer (pronounced Fuh-rer), I think because he couldn’t spell the foreign word he was looking for. Still, to be re-homed from a kipper? It’s a rescue of sorts.”

The dog isn’t neutered, yet, but will be if it tries to shag Boris Johnson’s leg.

But what of the pre-loaded skills?

“It absolutely hates anyone who isn’t properly English,” the source grinned, “it’ll bring the Scots to heel soon enough. Oh, and it salivates when it hears dog whistle racism. It’s a perfect fit with the prime minister and his support base,

“Foorer will be giving a press conference soon and displaying the kind of swagger and menace needed to convince the Scots that unionism is still the way to Make England Great Again.”

LCD Views would like to commend Johnson and chums for the swift resolution of the Scottish problem, post Ruth Davidson, and trust Foorer (once renamed) can build on the work of keeping our union ever closer.

“The best thing about appointing a dog is Boris can lash out at it in temper, not that I am saying he would, and it’ll still be there begging for validation. Much better than that Davis woman who had too many ideas of her own. Here boy! Come on! Here’s a picture of a flag! Good boy!”