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Sunak denies sending second best body double to COP28

IF HIS LIPS ARE MOVING : WORLD LEADING GREAT BRITISH PRIME MINISTER, and part time politician, Rishi “The Hammer” Sunak, has allegedly denied fresh claims he did not attend COP28 in person.

Rumours the UK Prime Minister was not personally at the COP28 summit appear to have begun after a Politico journalist noted he spent such a trivial amount of time there if was like he didn’t even show up at all.

“It’s nonsense,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “the prime minister definitely seemed to be there. At least as long as it takes to get a few photos for social media. I mean, there was a peevish looking guy that looked like Sunak. Didn’t you see him? Pursed lips? Standing on his tippy toes? If you’re not careful we’ll pass a law saying it’s illegal to question whether or not he was there.”

The response from the Palace, we mean 10 Downing Street, will not satisfy all of Mr Sunak’s detractors though, as an AI generated image of an absence at the summit only ever showed Mr Sunak dancing on a burning rainforest, in spite of how many times the image was generated.

“Look, you really don’t understand how Global Britain is governed,” a supporter of the PM commented, “how long does it take to meet representatives of the fossil fuel industry in back corridors? Bugger all time, that’s how long. Just long enough to shake hands and laugh over the expansion of fossil fuels in the UK. Then it’s back on the jet and home to ensure no one has found Rishi’s mobile phone and handed it over to the Covid Inquiry.”

Other voices have suggested that even criticising the PM’s green cred on risks new laws carrying lengthy goal time.

“Be grateful we didn’t send 30p Lee to represent the UK,” 10 Downing Street added. “Or Boris Johnson, or Liz Truss, or Matt Hancock, or Oliver Dowden, or Jeremy Hunt, or Grant Shapps, or Lord Cameron. Oh.”

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Boris Johnson challenges Greek PM to a game of Elgin Marbles

LOSING YOUR MARBLES: Former Prone Monster Boris Johnsons has given his view on the row over the Elgin Marbles. In his usual diplomatic way, he has offered them in a game of winner takes all.

“If the Greek PM wants the Marbles, he’s going to have to bally well win the buggers back!” blustered Johnson in his usual measured manner. “He can come over here and we will have a jolly good game of Elgin Marbles! I was World Champion Chief Marbles Wrangler in my lower fourth days, I’ll have you know, yes indeed, erm, well, they called me Quod Effat Demon-Stacker, when I wasn’t winning at wiff-waff!”

The office of the Greek PM has issued a statement in response. “Mr Mitsotakis will not be taking up Mr Johnson’s challenge,” it reads. “We Greeks prefer to negotiate like adults, not indulge in playground competitions. However, we feel duty bound to point out that Mr Mitsotakis is an expert in the ancient art of playing marbles, so Mr Johnson can stick his infantile challenge up his great fat…”

The remainder of the statement was redacted.

The current incumbent at Number Ten was, allegedly, sanguine. “Nobody in the current administration thinks that Mr Johnson has any part to play in the current state of affairs,” said a spokeswonk. “Mr Sunak is desperate to hold on to his tenure for as long as possible, so he doesn’t want to risk being involved with Mr Johnson any more. Mr Sunak believes that Mr Johnson is being childish for the attention, and wishes to remind him that we won, you lost, so suck it up, loser-boy, get over it, and yar boo sucks!”

We can learn a lot about history from old statues. The Marbles were hacked away from their original location, subjected to rough transit, Victorian pollution, and clumsy attempts to launder them. It’s how Britain became Great.

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BREAKING : Germany demands return of British Royal Family

SAX-COBURG WHAT NOW : Fresh from seeing off the attempted theft of stolen artefacts by Greece, Britain’s smallest PM, Rishi Sunak, now has to fight the Germans. Again.

The new struggle is centred again on a collection of seemingly inanimate objects, with the emotional warmth of marble, who seem to just take up space better used for other things, and cost the British public money solely to generate endless arguments among the broader population.

”The British Royal Family may be largely derived from foreign sources, but that isn’t the point, we’ve had them for centuries and we intend to keep hold of them,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “If the Germans want them so badly they might like to reflect upon how well we’ve looked after them? What happened to their last royal family?”

But while this latest furore is certain to overwhelm Mr Sunak, who has yet to meet a problem he can see his way over, he is receiving support from an unexpected quarter.

”Boris Johnson has written in the Mail that he has the solution. He’s offered to make both problems go away. For the Greeks he is offering to make a new, better Elgin Marbles out of empty wine crates. For the Germans he’s offered to go and live there if they call him Kaiser Al. Rishi would be mad not to take him up on both offers,” our royal correspondent notes.

The likelihood of Mr Sunak seizing on Mr Johnson’s offer isn’t great though, as he “already has one former PM in the house running the government for him, while pretending to be Foreign Secretary. Imagine how pointless he’d look if he employed another?”

Still, the answer is likely to come from the Palace itself, with rumours suggesting none other than King Charles III himself said to be minded to “send his cousins on the Continent Prince Harry. Long to reign over them. When he’s not asking Netflix to make a show about how he wants to be left alone.”

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BREAKING : Sunak offers Greek PM meeting if he makes “sizeable” donation to Tory Party

YOU’VE LOST YOUR MARBLES MATE : GLOBAL BRITAIN’S world beating Prime Minister, Rishi “The Hammer” Sunak has reportedly denied claims he is unwilling to meet Greek Prime Minister Mitsotakis and said “there are always conditions to be met before meetings between heads of state.”

Quite how the Greek PM failed to understand this routine fact of international relations is anyone’s guess, but 10 Downing Street has allegedly stressed it has communicated with the Greeks and it’s likely that a meeting will now take place “after Mr Sunak’s afternoon nap and nappy change. But not to bring anything with too much sugar in it if they want Mr Sunak to sit still and concentrate”.

“The PM isn’t bothered about currency,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman is said to have said, “we’ve an election to fight. What’s important is to fill the coffers of the Tory Party.”

When pressed what they meant by that the spokesman shuffled some papers before shrugging and elaborating.

“Okay, Mitsotakis isn’t a US private health provider, he isn’t a dodgy developer, he isn’t a roaming international kleptocrat looking to establish a charter city within the UK, but that doesn’t mean he can’t stump up some money for a meeting. He just needs to make a sizeable donation to the Conservative Party’s war chest and then he’s in the door by morning tea.”

It’s not clear whether or not the Greek PM will be prepared to donate in order to meet Mr Sunak.

“Then it just shows what novices they are,” the spokesman added, “pay to play, that’s how we play in Global UK.”

It is understood though, that even if the Greek PM does donate in order to meet with Mr Sunak, there is one topic that will not be up for discussion.

“Don’t even bother bringing up the Marbles. Stop the Boats is starting to get a little thin, so we need something else to get the raging xenophobes in our base red faced over or they won’t come out to vote.”

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‘The Great British Potato War’ – it’s a novel about Brexit and it’s fun! Out now on Amazon!

“A satire on the plight of the UK post the Brexit referendum, The Great British Potato War takes aim at the so-called benefits of Brexit and its cynical architects. It is an absurdist novel, full of broad wit and humour and while it exaggerates (wildly) the consequences of the referendum, the ridiculous false patriotism, the idea that faith will deliver, the three word sound bites, the refusal to admit that there is anything wrong are all recognisable as being rooted in actuality.” – Amazon customer.

“A cult classic!” – The Future.

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Sunak passes law stating he won the 2024 General Election

Perception Is King : There’s no barriers to what you can achieve if you perceive no barriers to what you want to achieve. The United Kingdom’s permanent Prime Minister, Rishi “I can comb my own hair” Sunak, is a living embodiment of the wisdom of this.

“We’re all breathing a sigh of relief at CCHQ, I can tell you,” a source inside the ruling party headquarters told LCD Views. “All those ghastly polling projections of a massive defeat at the next GE have turned out to be completely false. Just wishful thinking on Labour’s part. While Starmer is busy ruining the economy of the future, Sunak is spending his time ensuring that can’t happen. It’s what the British people want.”

The decision to pass a law stating that Sunak won the next General Election will be seen, it is hoped, as more proof that Sunak is indeed the change prime minister the UK has been searching for. A beautiful butterfly.

“It wasn’t much of a leap for the PM,” the source continues. “Whatever mess he creates he just buys a solution to it. He just has to believe he can solve it and he does. So, how to solve the problem of losing a future general election? Just believe you’ve won it and make it so. In. Law. After all, it’s how Rwanda instantly became the refugee paradise Sunak always claimed it to be, in spite of the naysayers. It didn’t even cost Sunak anything. Not even political credibility. Which is just as well! Now when you look at your mortgage rates or the turds bobbing in your local stream, you can be reassured the problem is in hand. And you don’t even have to bother voting accordingly. Extremely efficient. If you don’t agree we’ll just pass a law to say you do.”

A perfectly fine, modern, representative democracy. In action.

Furthermore, the new electoral law has no time limit, so it is open for Sunak to win as many future general elections as he pleases. Today.

“Some in the party are urging him to declare he has won the next five or six general elections too. Let’s stop wasting taxpayer’s hard earned money on pointless spectacles like polling booths and send it where it really belongs. Offshore. And don’t worry about it being intercepted by all those small boats, we just wire it electronically. No boat person can intercept it. Your money is in safe hands.”

Quite what the King will think about the subversion of British democracy no one will bother to find out. Because that’s the role of the UK’s head of state. To be very quiet. Very, very quiet.

“If the King does kick off we will just outlaw him. It’s not that hard to govern, really, is it? It’s just about seeing what you can get away with.”

And what of those people creating petitions demanding a general election?

“They’re happy too. They just had it.”

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Man who achieved nothing vows to match his prior record

BRAVE SIR DAVID RAN AWAY: And then he was suddenly dragged back into the spotlight, kicking and screaming. He declared, with rabbit-like focus, that he would ensure that his record in office this time round was as impressive as it was before.

Reform of the House of Lords is at the top of his Don’t Do List. For many years, the honours system has been abused by those in power. It has always been an easy route for cronies and friends of the well-connected to obtain a seat in the Upper House. Brave Sir David’s successors only accelerated this process. Since this culminated in the ennoblement of Dodgy Dave, he is understandably keen to achieve non-reform. SamCam and the rest of Dave’s family must be eagerly awaiting his next resignation. The ermine beckons already.

Why stop there? Dave’s In-Your-Dreams Tray also contains absolutely no plans to deal with ex-ministers lobbying government chums for enormous wodges of cash. This, he insists, has nothing to do with begging his new boss, who at the time sat on a humungous heap of gold at the Treasury. This celebrated attention to lack-of-detail also applies to his solemn vow not to confront Boris Johnson about his daily Lockdown parties.

Good ol’ DC is famously immune to lobbying himself. He has already said a flat NO to a referendum about I’m a Celebrity. Unless Nigel Farage asks him for one, that is. There are already rumours involving every disgraced Tory backbencher who has recently lost the whip. They are getting the old gang back together to ensure that Dave watches when Farage dedicates every challenge to his old enabler.

Brave Sir Dave has arrived at the Foreign Office. This is lucky for him. After the Glorious Referendum, in which he was told that The People had decided that Europe didn’t exist, he quickly realised that the rest of the world didn’t exist, either. Indeed, Scotland, Northern Ireland, Wales, Cornwall and The North were also non-existent. This reduced his list of responsibilities to zero.

So Dodgy Dave will easily match his prior record, by sitting in his gypsy caravan writing another smug autobiography, drawing his fat salary, and doing precisely the square root of bugger all.

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Tony Blair appointed Defence Secretary by Rishi Sunak

THE BLAIR SWITCH PROJECT : The Middle East will just have to sort out its own issues now, as Britain’s greatest living former PM and Noble Peace Prize runner-up 2001-2007, Tony “T Bone” Blair, has accepted the offer of becoming the UK’s Defence Secretary.

”Of course the Middle East is in uproar over the move,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “they don’t know how they’ll get on without Blair’s magic touch as peace envoy. But charity begins at home. And if things do get a bit rum there it’s not like we’ll stop selling them bombs.”

However, eyebrows have been raised over Mr Blair’s appointment to the cabinet, given he is no longer a sitting MP, and should the great offices of state really be filled by just calling up the King and interrupting his morning nap?

”That’s easily fixed,” the spokesman explains. “Ignore the concerns. Blair was made a Lord this morning. Viscount Blair of Cordouroy I believe. The handle doesn’t really matter. And it shows great cross-party consensus at a time when the UK needs the proven men of the history books back in charge. You know the ones, the change makers. The ones remembered for doing something profound when others wouldn’t have. On brand for brand Rishi. Back to the future. It’s not like Rishi is a lost little rich boy incapable of projecting the gravitas to conceal his glaring errors. That’s not why he is appointing former PMs to the cabinet.”

But other critics have queried exactly what Viscount Blair will get up to, given the UK is already involved in both the Ukraine War and Gaza.

”That just allows him to get out of the blocks at a sprint. No need to cook up any dodgy dossiers! He can focus on the basic tenet of UK involvement in foreign conflict.”

Which is?

”The appearance of concern while making a whopping great profit!”

The move is unlikely to quell the trouble in backbench Tory ranks, already seething over the appointment of Baron Cameron as Foreign Secretary.

”So what? They’ll just have to focus on what’s important and get behind the Prime Minister. How else do they expect to keep their seats in the upcoming GE and all the benefits of office? If you start letting trifles get in the way, like democratic principle, you might find it a bit tricky to land your second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh jobs. And where will you be then? Apart from hosting a game show called Gammon Quest on GB News.”

Still more critics though believe they’ve seen through the smoke and mirrors to the real motivation for the appointment.

”It’s just another dodge by Sunak to avoid any accountability. Now when the media asks what the Prime Minister is doing about x or y, his spokesman can just say, which Prime Minister? And get out of dodge!”

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Destroying tents of rough sleepers is the Big Society in action, says statesman

Tory Gonna Tory : The United Kingdom’s foremost social intellectual, and former Prime Minister, has spoken today about his joy at seeing a solution to the “ghastly spectacle” of “wilful, hippy slummers” cluttering up London’s pavements with camping equipment.

“They must think the whole of London is a camp site, like some sort of holiday park in Devon,” he told LCD Views, from the steps of a fetching garden shed that cost as much as the annual average income. “It’s not. It’s really not. Good fences make good neighbours. We need to look at fencing off pavements and introducing credit checks to use them.”

The decision to target the capital’s most vulnerable will be taken by many as the natural continuation of the work begun by the former PM.

“When we talked about the Big Society some thought we meant Pig Society,” he snorts, “but what we were really up to was cloth headed ideology in action, in the real world, spiced up with demonising those who weren’t born with our advantages, and as a neat cover to nick the family silver off the public while everyone was blaming some veteran with brain damage for the national debt we caused, while nicking the family silver.”

The enduring legacy of a man some are calling “Britain’s greatest living fourth worst Prime Minister” is certainly something for him to write home about from his shed.

“When we began making life harder for the vulnerable back in 2010 we knew it would take time for the project to come to fruition,” he comments, “but seeing the tents of the homeless thrown into bin lorries in Camden shows how solid our vision for the UK was. This is the Big Society in action. Weeding out the weak. And if you can’t weed them out you can at least put something on top of them so they aren’t visible to a playboy oligarch driving his sports car about while shopping for an accountant to help him find a tax efficient way to move money to London.”

But still he’s not entirely satisfied.

“We aren’t quite there yet, as a people,” he adds, “once ordinary, hardworking British taxpayers turn out in mobs to skip the tents then I’ll be satisfied that the Big Society I envisioned has been fully created.”

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UK relegated from Eurovision and will compete in CPTPPvision next year

IT’S A GAME OF TWO HALVES, BRIAN: The UK’s relegation was confirmed after a weak display in the final match of the season. Even VAR couldn’t save the day for the hapless UK.

What went wrong for the team that almost pulled off a shock win last time out? Was it injuries, a change of manager mid-season, or players not pulling their weight? Analyst Peter Principal looks at the evidence. 

“There are so many ways that it went wrong,” explained Principal. ‘A lot of it is to do with unrealistic expectations. If you come from nowhere and have one single great season, you expect more of the same. But if you don’t invest in key areas you go right back where you came from!”

And investment has been cut, and more cuts threatened. So in a way, the UK is paying the price for being cheap? 

“Exactly,” confirmed Principal. “In this business you speculate to accumulate. But team selection was an issue too. The team was always packed with right wingers. Nobody would play on the left, or even the centre. We got pulled out of position too easily, and left our opponents an open goal.”

Management was also an issue. 

“Yeah, Johnson always sets his teams up the same way, and almost forced victory through charisma and bullshit alone. But he got found out in the end,” said Principal. “Then Truss had that disastrous spell in charge, running the show like a six year old playing FIFA. Finally, boring, more competent Sunak took over, but the damage was done. We just weren’t good enough at the end of the day, Brian.”

So next year, the UK will compete in the far less prestigious CPTPPvision Song Contest instead. Hopes are not high, but there was one note of optimism. 

“At least we finished higher than Germany.”