UK government enters Guinness Book of Records for the slowest ever car crash

Car crash means car crash. But as the Road To Brexit runs out and over the cliff edge, the big red Brexit bus rolling at a snail’s pace is about to break records for all the wrong reasons.

The People voted for this, even if they didn’t really. So nobody wants to take responsibility for pressing the brake. If nothing changes, gravity will win. That’s the gravity of the situation.

The Guinness Book of Records is on hand to record the historic anticlimax of Brexit. The government is all mouth and no trousers. In true contradictory Brexit fashion, the limpest of limp governments is going to deliver the biggest shafting of all time.

The bus rolls, inexorably, towards the end. The crash is approaching, and despite the lack of speed, promises to make a 47-vehicle pile-up look like a heap of Dinky toys. The drop is so close now, that even staunch, hardline ERG members are starting to think it’s squeaky bum time.

LCD Views spoke to Norris McWhirter’s spiritual heir, Mark McConquest. “This is already the slowest car crash of all time, and it hasn’t even happened yet!” declared McConquest. “It’s crashier than the 2008 financial crash, and longer drawn out than Jose Mourinho’s tenure at Manchester United.”

Disaster specialist and record chaser Holden McCarlsberg was also on hand to deliver a verdict. “I’m always on the lookout for bigger, better, longer things,” he said. “The UK and the USA are like, USA: Here’s my latest idiocy, UK: Hold my beer. I’m constantly crossing the Atlantic. I have more air miles than Liam Fox!”

Eager beavers are on hand with pencils, to record the exact moment of disaster for posterity. “Well, we no longer employ beavers,” McConquest conceded. “They just chew through any writing equipment we give them. And lemmings just run ahead impatiently. So instead we have installed a speed camera to record the instant that the brakes are applied, too late, and the UK careers over the edge like Thelma And Louise in super slo-mo.”

Jacob Rees-Mogg has already described this particular car crash to be ‘Rather uplifting’. He is in pole position to star in the reboot of the Oscar-winning film classic Crash.

China cancels trade talks with U.K. until it’s no longer governed by f*cking idiots

LCD Views can report that China has told the U.K. to f*ck off in no uncertain terms today after former fireplace salesman Gavin Williamson decided to reveal we have a ship.

”I’m on a boat!” Mr Williamson shouted at China, “I’m on a boat motherf*cker!”

Quite what China was expected to make of being threatened by a British warship in its waters (regardless of the rights and wrongs of what’s going on down there), given they still recall the Opium Wars, is anyone’s guess.

”I suspect the kakistocracy of public school boy and girl entitled, and ignorant prats currently governing Britain missed that bit of history, because someone was using them as a toast rack,” our international trade expert guessed.

In search of the deeper thinking behind his strategy, we approached a toilet stain for comment, believing it to be Mr Williamson. It simply repeated,

”I’m on a boat! I’m on a boat motherf*cker!”, as if it had invented maritime technology and its use in international brinkmanship.

“I suspect Gavin won’t be satisfied until he succeeds in getting someone to declare war on Global Britain,” our expert adds, “at which point he’ll scream a lot and then hide. He’s currently working down a list of traditional foes to cheese them off, and he will presumably move onto our allies next. I hear he’s thinking of threatening Canada with a land invasion.”

None of this bodes well for the prospects of Brexitannia, but Mr Williamson is apparently non-plussed, claiming his ultimate long game is for Global Britain to trade with itself only, so we always leave negotiations as victors.

Woman’s Valentine’s Day speech to include promise to screw entire country

A woman in a position of power to do exactly what she says, it seems, is to give a Valentine’s Day speech tonight which includes the promise to screw our entire country, and hard.

“They’re won’t be any butter either,” our SNAFU analyst adds, “mostly because it will be melting out the back of a gridlocked truck, broken down after being stuck idle at a hard border somewhere.”

The exact way in which she will promise to screw the country is believed to entail a game of chicken mashed up with twister (don’t ask how, this is Brexit) that everyone has to play. During this game she will steer the UK headfirst at reality and demand reality gets out of the way. It won’t.

“It’s going to be messy,” our analyst says, “a simple hot shower won’t get all the bodily fluids resulting from the screwing off. This won’t be a lipstick on your collar type thing either. This is a full blown, hard fist right into the backside of the UK.”

Whether or not gloves will be worn during the event is not yet clear.

“It’s not even certain she really intends to screw the entirety of the UK,” says our analyst, “but when you consider the flatline in FDI, the departing industries, the alienation on the world stage, the rent a fascists on our streets seemingly allowed to do as they like, the refusal to investigate all the crime involved in the Brexit campaigns and the fact that that little prat is Williamson is being allowed to pretend to be a general, I’d say we’re pretty well f*cked already. Some of us just don’t know it yet.”

Videos of a good hard Brexiting can be found on the dark web. We advise you delete your browser history after viewing though. Oh, and you’ll probably go blind if you go there. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Get your teeth into this! UK – US FTA expected to detail pink slime as steak

It’s about bloody time too! For too long the price of steak has been sky high!

LCD Views would like to be the first to applaud the work of the Secretary of State for Lowering Food Standards (and the rest) Doctor Liam Fox after a leaked report detailed the details of the conditions he’s expected to agree to in order to secure a post Brexit FTA with the USA.

Pink slime, that mega efficient way to get all the protein, hormones and antibiotics any person needs is to be classified as steak, because a single digit percentage of the contents was once placed in a room near a field with a cow.

“It’s amazing what food scientists can do,” our food analyst, Mr A Nal Syst comments, “apparently the team that invented pink slime was actually working on how to use beef as a weapon of mass destruction, and they succeeded!”

Other exciting changes to standards coming our way involve chicken.

Chicken. The boring old hen first introduced to the UK by the Romans. It’s getting a long needed makeover.

“No more than 52% of any poultry by-product can’t be a tumour, benign or malignant,” Mr Syst says, glancing through the leaked report, “that’s some mean concession little Liam has secured. And the lip, ass-hole and intestinal tract component of any chicken themed food product will be capped at 98%. That means we are guaranteed of a base level for actual meat. Wrap your laughing gear around that Brussels!”

But what about the concerns on the UK’s farmers with convoys of US container ships heaving with pink sludge and chicken cancer steaming our way?

“I recall an interview with Owen Paterson, that genius of international trade and agriculture, some time back on Radio4, that stalwart of what was once journalism, who said they’ll just have to focus on selling a high quality cut of British beef to China. Job done. Dust off your hands. Pop a cork.”

Get ready to turn to cannibalism Britons! At least that way you’ll be reassured what you’re eating is actually meat!

Jeremy Corbyn says he forgot he was leader of the official opposition

LCD Views can report that there’s finally insight into why Westminster appears to be lacking an opposition to the countrycide currently being pursued by the May government.

“He’s told us,” our political insides and other guts, analyst says.

Who? What? When? Why?

”Jeremy Corbyn. He says he forgot he was leader of the official opposition at Westminster.”

Just like he forgot to mention the possibility of a People’s Vote when he penned his little staged managed missive, not in anyway written out of a cynical media strategy with the prior knowledge of the Tories, to the PM with his negotiating position for helping her reduce the U.K. to rubble via Brexit?

”Now that’s a long question with many moving parts, but in a word, yes.”

Well, will he be doing anything to improve his memory? Sudoku maybe? Cryptic crosswords? Learning a foreign language? Perhaps there’s other really important things he’s forgotten.

”Oh, I don’t think he’s bothered by the lapse in memory. Even if it’s a really bad one for the many, but not the few.”

Next you’ll be saying he forgot he three line whipped to trigger Article 50. Or he forgot he banged on about a jobs first Brexit for years.

”When it was blatantly obvious that any Brexit is a jobsicide?”

That’s right.

”Oh, I don’t think he’ll have trouble remembering his finest moments in politics. He’s waited so very long for them.”

You’re forgetting he singlehandedly convinced Charles Kennedy to oppose the second Iraq War.

”Who? Only Corbyn opposed it at Westminster.”

It seems we’re all having memory troubles! But what’s he going to do now he’s remembered he’s leading the official opposition at Westminster?

”Forget again.”

UK citizens forced to apply for human rights via Android app

Brexiter “Dr” Liam Fox wants human rights to be optional, rather than, well, a human right. His excuse is to facilitate post-Brexit trade, but the reality is yet another hidden privatisation. In future, UK citizens wishing to continue to have human rights will have to apply for them.

There is, of course, a fee attached to this process. The suggestion that it will cost £350m to obtain human rights was dismissed as “faintly ridiculous” by Dr Fox’s spokesman Jack Schitt. In fact, the fee for an adult will be £65. “The fee for children will be half that, since children are less human than adults,” he added.

All existing human rights will cease to exist once the Brexit process has completed, since they are currently aligned with the EU. “Obviously, we cannot tolerate the jurisdiction of the European Court of Human Rights,” explained Schitt. “It makes everything simpler just to start from scratch.”

Anyone wishing to apply for human rights status after Brexit should download an app onto their smartphone. Anyone not possessing a smartphone will be officially anachronistic and have no self-respect. Therefore these people will not be encouraged to seek out the alternative methods of application, and will be deemed to have forfeited their rights.

Advertisements have been placed in all national publications and social media. To encourage early uptake, these advertisements read: “Apply for human rights status NOW and receive a FREE £10 NHS voucher!”

Unfortunately for some, the app only works on Android devices. Jack Schitt again: “We are trying to iron out any potential problems,” he said shiftily. “Until then, if you do find yourself in difficulty, it serves you right for being an Apple w*nker! Go and buy the cheap rip-off, you tosser, that’s where the country is heading anyway. Get over it!”

We tried to contact Fox for comment, but he was too busy digging himself a foxhole.

Only job left after Brexit to be building a Wicker Man

Blazing good news for lovers of traditional British industries today with the announcement that the U.K. is to replace the departing car industry with the building of a Wicker Man.

”People keep focusing on the downsides of Brexit, even though they’re arent any,” Brexit Secretary Stephen “Doesn’t Know Foreigners’ Names” Barclay told us, “like the NHS stockpiling body bags for the famine this summer, and the car industry saying you can go f*ck yourself, we’re off, well here’s something everyone can applaud.”

The building of the giant Wicker Man is expected to be a total boon to the country’s wicker industry.

”Currently wicker growing is in recession, thanks to the EU,” Mr Barclay goes on, and on, “but after Brexit that will be British industry. I’d get shares now, before the industry produces its first unicorn.”

The construction of the iconic figure, with a cage inside to hold people who can’t be allowed to say what they know, will be done at a secret location.

”This is so the German car industry doesn’t steal the design,” Barclay trumpets, “we’re going to be the world leaders in this industry. Imagine if we can put wheels on them? Amazing.”

It’s not clear yet who will be chosen to be burned inside the figure but the Brexit Secretary has a twinkle in his eye.

”Everyone. But don’t tell anyone.”

Sixty five million people?

”Well, not that many clearly. The architects of Brexit from the Tory Party will be in France with their trotters up.”

And their Labour collaborators?

”Moscow I expect. Seumas is taking them sightseeing in the summer. But you’ll be here, because you won’t be rich enough to leave.”

F U Brexit. F U.

Woman says she scrapes the mould off her jam and uses it for a brain

A woman who should know better has spoken exclusively to LCD Views today in the hope of convincing everyone to rot away their brains.

She says she scrapes the mould off her jam and uses it for a brain and you should do it too.

”Not just your brain, your conscience too,” she adds, “you find doing ghastly things to people based on little more than their accident of birth and/or skin colour is incredibly easy once you allow mould to make all the difficult life choices for you.”

The frank admission is welcome and helps explain much of the record of ghastly, costly, xenophobic and downright bonkers decisions she has taken in nearly a decade of holding high office.

”Once we all have a mouldy brain then we can all reshape the United Kingdom in the image of mycotoxin. The toxins we’ll produce will make dominating the world anew much simpler as we’ll more easily overcome anyone we touch.”

But how do you do it?

”It’s quite simple once you get the hang of it,” she says, “you simply take a butter knife, find a jar of jam with mould on the top, scrape off the jam and then repeatedly jam the mould smeared flat of the knife against your forehead while repeating an incantation.”

What is the incantation?

”Red, white and blue Brexit. Hubble bubble. I am going to make a success of it. Hocus pocus. Let my brain be made of mould found on jam. Abracadabra.”

See, so simple any idiot can do it.

You’re brainwashed by Tory press! Shout man’s fans ignoring man is committed to main goal of Tory press!

Labour is to revise its Brexit policy downwards today, with Jeremy Corbyn expected to give a press conference in which he will ditch his long held call for a Jobs first Brexit, moving his position to a “Not one job left Brexit!”.

The move is to take into account the endless stream of news articles daily about major employers upping sticks and moving out of the UK, taking jobs, investment and tax revenue with them, and is believed will get Labour ahead of the Brexit curve.

“It’s a visionary switch, which will take the heat off the Labour leadership failing to respond to the overwhelming evidence piling up that Brexit is a criminally influenced, political project of an internationalist clique of hard right feudalists that will catastrophically screw the UK back into the employment rights of the 14th century, prior to the black death,” our political analyst says, “it’s getting harder and harder to be a JC fan nowadays,

“It’s not helped by red Tories continually digging up videos from Corbyn’s time as a backbencher saying fruity things about the EU at regional rallies,

“his willingness to work with the government multiple times to push Brexit further down the clock, most famously when he three line whipped his MPs to trigger Article 50 and start the clock running down when no one had a plan,

“and don’t even consider looking at his parliamentary voting record on the subject, you may get the suspicion that a new kind of politics is very much an old kind. Especially if you take into account the fact that he and McDonnell and several other backbench Labour MPs in 2011 voted with all the Tory Brexit head cases to call for an IN/OUT EU ref, years before Cameron actually delivered one.”

It sounds to us like you’ve been brainwashed by the Tory MSM to criticise Jeremy.

“It sounds to me like you’re not paying attention to reality. Although I’ll grant 99% of your headlines attack the Tories. Millions of us would throw our lot in and back Corbyn, if he only fought Brexit, which we can all see is doing massive harm to the country and basically undeveloping the UK before our eyes. It will make all of Labour’s other excellent policy goals unachievable.”

You’re just obsessed with Brexit.

“You’re bang on with that.”

Why?

“I’d like my children to have food.”

House of Commons evacuated after woman’s pants catch fire

Dramatic scenes at the House of Commons theme park yesterday afternoon after fire marshals evacuated the ancient, combustible building when the pants of a woman playing the role of a senior politician suddenly caught fire in the middle of a staged managed shouting party.

“They have shouting parties all the time here,” HoC fire marshal Mr Smook Witoot told LCD Views, “it’s to show how the UK used to be run. Well, they do other things too for the visitors to learn from, like fill in expense claims (those are real) or take long holidays (they’re real too).”

The shouting parties themselves were a traditional way of settling differences of opinion in the creaking building amongst the various warring clans that claimed to rule the building, and thus the country.

“I don’t actually know what the future is for the theme park, apparently the building is unsafe, much like the decisions that used to be made here, but…” Mr Witoot shrugged,

“I just try and stop the staff burning the place down. Some of the actors that attend the shouting parties are so thick you wouldn’t trust them with a box of matches, they’d be liable to set their own hair on fire. Still, tourists love posing in front of the place, that’s its real value.”

But who was the woman whose pants caught fire?

“Oh, some terrified old duck who works for a series of overseas vested interests full time and here part time. She plays the role of prime minister. She doesn’t do it very well. I think they should re-cast her.”

But why did her pants catch fire?

“She was supposed to be giving a memorised speech to exemplify lying in public office from a position of legal impunity I think. She was so realistic her bloomers started to smoke and then they just combusted. Given what a shite actor she is I think she actually forgot her lines and said something from her real life, and that’s how it started.”