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Man who achieved nothing vows to match his prior record

BRAVE SIR DAVID RAN AWAY: And then he was suddenly dragged back into the spotlight, kicking and screaming. He declared, with rabbit-like focus, that he would ensure that his record in office this time round was as impressive as it was before.

Reform of the House of Lords is at the top of his Don’t Do List. For many years, the honours system has been abused by those in power. It has always been an easy route for cronies and friends of the well-connected to obtain a seat in the Upper House. Brave Sir David’s successors only accelerated this process. Since this culminated in the ennoblement of Dodgy Dave, he is understandably keen to achieve non-reform. SamCam and the rest of Dave’s family must be eagerly awaiting his next resignation. The ermine beckons already.

Why stop there? Dave’s In-Your-Dreams Tray also contains absolutely no plans to deal with ex-ministers lobbying government chums for enormous wodges of cash. This, he insists, has nothing to do with begging his new boss, who at the time sat on a humungous heap of gold at the Treasury. This celebrated attention to lack-of-detail also applies to his solemn vow not to confront Boris Johnson about his daily Lockdown parties.

Good ol’ DC is famously immune to lobbying himself. He has already said a flat NO to a referendum about I’m a Celebrity. Unless Nigel Farage asks him for one, that is. There are already rumours involving every disgraced Tory backbencher who has recently lost the whip. They are getting the old gang back together to ensure that Dave watches when Farage dedicates every challenge to his old enabler.

Brave Sir Dave has arrived at the Foreign Office. This is lucky for him. After the Glorious Referendum, in which he was told that The People had decided that Europe didn’t exist, he quickly realised that the rest of the world didn’t exist, either. Indeed, Scotland, Northern Ireland, Wales, Cornwall and The North were also non-existent. This reduced his list of responsibilities to zero.

So Dodgy Dave will easily match his prior record, by sitting in his gypsy caravan writing another smug autobiography, drawing his fat salary, and doing precisely the square root of bugger all.

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Tony Blair appointed Defence Secretary by Rishi Sunak

THE BLAIR SWITCH PROJECT : The Middle East will just have to sort out its own issues now, as Britain’s greatest living former PM and Noble Peace Prize runner-up 2001-2007, Tony “T Bone” Blair, has accepted the offer of becoming the UK’s Defence Secretary.

”Of course the Middle East is in uproar over the move,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “they don’t know how they’ll get on without Blair’s magic touch as peace envoy. But charity begins at home. And if things do get a bit rum there it’s not like we’ll stop selling them bombs.”

However, eyebrows have been raised over Mr Blair’s appointment to the cabinet, given he is no longer a sitting MP, and should the great offices of state really be filled by just calling up the King and interrupting his morning nap?

”That’s easily fixed,” the spokesman explains. “Ignore the concerns. Blair was made a Lord this morning. Viscount Blair of Cordouroy I believe. The handle doesn’t really matter. And it shows great cross-party consensus at a time when the UK needs the proven men of the history books back in charge. You know the ones, the change makers. The ones remembered for doing something profound when others wouldn’t have. On brand for brand Rishi. Back to the future. It’s not like Rishi is a lost little rich boy incapable of projecting the gravitas to conceal his glaring errors. That’s not why he is appointing former PMs to the cabinet.”

But other critics have queried exactly what Viscount Blair will get up to, given the UK is already involved in both the Ukraine War and Gaza.

”That just allows him to get out of the blocks at a sprint. No need to cook up any dodgy dossiers! He can focus on the basic tenet of UK involvement in foreign conflict.”

Which is?

”The appearance of concern while making a whopping great profit!”

The move is unlikely to quell the trouble in backbench Tory ranks, already seething over the appointment of Baron Cameron as Foreign Secretary.

”So what? They’ll just have to focus on what’s important and get behind the Prime Minister. How else do they expect to keep their seats in the upcoming GE and all the benefits of office? If you start letting trifles get in the way, like democratic principle, you might find it a bit tricky to land your second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh jobs. And where will you be then? Apart from hosting a game show called Gammon Quest on GB News.”

Still more critics though believe they’ve seen through the smoke and mirrors to the real motivation for the appointment.

”It’s just another dodge by Sunak to avoid any accountability. Now when the media asks what the Prime Minister is doing about x or y, his spokesman can just say, which Prime Minister? And get out of dodge!”

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Destroying tents of rough sleepers is the Big Society in action, says statesman

Tory Gonna Tory : The United Kingdom’s foremost social intellectual, and former Prime Minister, has spoken today about his joy at seeing a solution to the “ghastly spectacle” of “wilful, hippy slummers” cluttering up London’s pavements with camping equipment.

“They must think the whole of London is a camp site, like some sort of holiday park in Devon,” he told LCD Views, from the steps of a fetching garden shed that cost as much as the annual average income. “It’s not. It’s really not. Good fences make good neighbours. We need to look at fencing off pavements and introducing credit checks to use them.”

The decision to target the capital’s most vulnerable will be taken by many as the natural continuation of the work begun by the former PM.

“When we talked about the Big Society some thought we meant Pig Society,” he snorts, “but what we were really up to was cloth headed ideology in action, in the real world, spiced up with demonising those who weren’t born with our advantages, and as a neat cover to nick the family silver off the public while everyone was blaming some veteran with brain damage for the national debt we caused, while nicking the family silver.”

The enduring legacy of a man some are calling “Britain’s greatest living fourth worst Prime Minister” is certainly something for him to write home about from his shed.

“When we began making life harder for the vulnerable back in 2010 we knew it would take time for the project to come to fruition,” he comments, “but seeing the tents of the homeless thrown into bin lorries in Camden shows how solid our vision for the UK was. This is the Big Society in action. Weeding out the weak. And if you can’t weed them out you can at least put something on top of them so they aren’t visible to a playboy oligarch driving his sports car about while shopping for an accountant to help him find a tax efficient way to move money to London.”

But still he’s not entirely satisfied.

“We aren’t quite there yet, as a people,” he adds, “once ordinary, hardworking British taxpayers turn out in mobs to skip the tents then I’ll be satisfied that the Big Society I envisioned has been fully created.”

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UK relegated from Eurovision and will compete in CPTPPvision next year

IT’S A GAME OF TWO HALVES, BRIAN: The UK’s relegation was confirmed after a weak display in the final match of the season. Even VAR couldn’t save the day for the hapless UK.

What went wrong for the team that almost pulled off a shock win last time out? Was it injuries, a change of manager mid-season, or players not pulling their weight? Analyst Peter Principal looks at the evidence. 

“There are so many ways that it went wrong,” explained Principal. ‘A lot of it is to do with unrealistic expectations. If you come from nowhere and have one single great season, you expect more of the same. But if you don’t invest in key areas you go right back where you came from!”

And investment has been cut, and more cuts threatened. So in a way, the UK is paying the price for being cheap? 

“Exactly,” confirmed Principal. “In this business you speculate to accumulate. But team selection was an issue too. The team was always packed with right wingers. Nobody would play on the left, or even the centre. We got pulled out of position too easily, and left our opponents an open goal.”

Management was also an issue. 

“Yeah, Johnson always sets his teams up the same way, and almost forced victory through charisma and bullshit alone. But he got found out in the end,” said Principal. “Then Truss had that disastrous spell in charge, running the show like a six year old playing FIFA. Finally, boring, more competent Sunak took over, but the damage was done. We just weren’t good enough at the end of the day, Brian.”

So next year, the UK will compete in the far less prestigious CPTPPvision Song Contest instead. Hopes are not high, but there was one note of optimism. 

“At least we finished higher than Germany.”

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We would have won the local elections if only there hadn’t been ID checks, claims Tory MP

WOULDA SHOULDA COULDA: A senior Tory MP has claimed that the requirement to show ID before voting suppressed the Conservative vote. He claims that it is ‘underhand gerrymandering of the lowest order’.

“The need to produce ID in order to vote is one of the worst offences against democracy that the last Labour government ever committed,” declared Sir Willie Showacard, MP for Remayners Brecksytte. “I had to resort to bribing the officials before voting this morning. That hasn’t been necessary since the bad old days of the 1970s!”

Sir Willie’s secretary admitted that he had claimed the bribe on expenses, although he had not actually bothered to vote after all.

Further enquiries disclosed Sir Willie’s directorship of YouBribe,com, which claimed to provide ‘Electoral Services’. He was also on record as having received over £50,000 in donations from a company which manufactured ID cards. Unfortunately, it appeared that he, himself, hadn’t acquired one.

Despite all this, Sir Willie was deeply upset about things. “This Woke nonsense must stop!” he grumbled. “The Wokerati would have us carry ID cards to allow us to breathe God’s own air! Where has trust gone? In my day you could trust a gentleman like myself! What’s the world coming to? Britain didn’t become great by pandering to pronouns! We didn’t gain the greatest Empire in the world by making sure people have enough money to live on! This Lefty nonsense must stop! Now! Before it’s too late, and England sinks into obscurity!”

Sir Willie continued by justifying his point of view. “Our natural voters have been prevented from voting!” he shouted. “The old and infirm, the deceased that stayed on the electoral roll! All Conservative votes that have been lost, because their namby pamby bleeding heart so-called carers won’t get them an identity card! This! Is! A! Dis! Grace!”

Sir Willie was wheeled away to attend his Anger Management course.

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Great British food banks told to celebrate Coronation banquet

UPLIFTING : The UK Government has acted today to ensure all subjects of Charles III can view the Coronation as it happens, and the extravagant banquet which follows.

“There’s disturbing reports that some people may miss the Coronation action while queuing to fill their reusable plastic bags with free tins of no-brand crushed tomatoes,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “Your government is committed to ensuring this does not happen.”

The action by Downing Street is described as “coordinated”, “front footed” and “patriotic”. It will see thousands of giant LCD screens forcibly installed inside the UK’s vast network of “food pantries”. The screens themselves have been leased by a recently incorporated, government linked private company and are definitely not “fire hazards”.

“Food banks will have to repay the cost of renting the screens,” the spokesman advises, “but they can easily do that by increasing the price they charge on donated wholemeal spaghetti. Or perhaps by organising street parties and leasing bunting to participants.”

But it’s not all love and handshakes.

“Anyone attempting to avert their eyes as hundreds of inheritance millionaires get stuck into the best French champagne and Continental delicacies will be punished,” the spokesman warns. “A national celebration of unearned wealth and privilege is what makes Great Britain stand out from its neighbours. If you’re not waving a little Union Flag as Charles gets a tonne of gold and jewels lowered onto his head you’re working to undermine Britain.”

Make sure to raise a toast to your King today. After all, he’s worked all his life to earn his privilege. And what else could lift the spirits of striking workers who can’t afford food? But knowing that their King is at a banquet.

“Anyone looking to undermine the monarchy on this day of days needs to have a hard look at themselves,” the spokesman added. “Why has Charles become King? He didn’t do it by complaining about irregular bin collections. Just think about it.”

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Tories to create an extra Bank Holiday for every seat they win in the local elections

THERE AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE A CONSERVATIVE PARTY: Leading Conservatives are planning to celebrate the local election results by creating extra Bank Holidays. For every seat they win in the local elections, Sub-Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has pledged to give hard-working Brits an extra day off.

The news was announced as the Tories suddenly realised the importance of these results. “Normally we don’t give a rat’s arse about these local non-events,” claimed Conservative party analyst Titus A. Ratsbottom. “That’s why the candidates call themselves ‘local’ Conservatives, we have nothing to do with them, and they have nothing to do with us. Quite rightly, if I may say so. Our ‘local’ friends are only masquerading as Tories, the real toffs are in power or in clover. Or in both, of course. Unfortunately, our very own gutter press is acting like the treacherous fools they are, and somehow equating these insufferable yokels to the National Party.”

Ratsbottom took a moment to endure a minute’s intense apoplexy at the mere thought of levelling up toffs and plebs. His face turned a delicious shade of gammon. The red face and white military moustache made him look like a no entry sign with eyes.

“Those traitorous bastards are going to ensure that we lose every single seat!” he harrumphed finally. “People will link failing hospitals, unstoppable inflation, and all the rest of it, to the Conservatives! This is intolerable! Something Must Be Done!”

Meanwhile, in Westminster, the alleged PM was trying hard to Do Something. Say what you like about Sunak – so we will. He follows in a long line of Conservative PMs who do little but throw out paltry bribes to the electorate. This time, the pledge that will be reneged upon is an extra Bank Holiday for every seat won by the Conservatives, ‘local’ or otherwise.

Vote Conservative and never work again? Sounds like the ideal slogan.

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Boris Johnson promises Tory Party £350m per week if they let him be PM again

IT’S LIKE MAKING SAUSAGES : The UK’s second last Prime Minister, for 2022, has made his latest pitch to lead the Tory Party again, and thus the United Kingdom.

“They need me more than I need them,” Mr Johnson told LCD Views. “Letting me lead the party again will be the easiest deal in history. Tory MPs can keep all the same benefits they have now, in terms of use of public funds and ease of access to titles. I mean, just lay back and think of the bungs. Do you know that if foreign interests lend you money, and they don’t have financial dealings in the UK, you don’t have to record it with parliament? It’s so much fun.”

But while some Tory MPs, who have performed lobotomies on themselves, are open to being led by the human equivalent of a crooked slot machine, some are not so enthusiastic.

“What has Boris ever done for us?” is the commonest response. “He couldn’t even fix the parliamentary standards system to let old Paterson off. What use is he? At least Rishi has shown his quality. He’s recovered 1% of Covid fraud, which is a little high, if you ask me, but he combs his hair. Daily. And now he’s going after the beggars! Which is nice. He can find the enemy within. And to continue to confuse the British public, while extracting the last of their wealth, we need someone who can speak in coherent sentences while we organise the voting laws to stay in power forever.”

But those who would write Boris off need to be aware that he has a killer play to make.

“Yes, he’s just recycling all the slogans Dom wrote for him. Like ‘Take Back Control’ and other nonsense, because he can’t actually think for himself, but that doesn’t mean that pre-loved tricks are useless. You just wait until he parks a big, red bus outside of Con HQ with the promise to give every MP £350m per week if they let him be PM again. The greedy buggers will be back at the trough before you know it.”

But what happens when the money fails to materialise?

“We’ll just blame the EU of course. And the last Labour government. It worked before.”

Bring Back Boris? As sensible a policy as bringing back syphilis.

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Sunak to agree annual number of Afghan refugees with Taliban

LOOK AT THE EYES : The United Kingdom’s world beating Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, has taken a giant stride forward today to solve the problem of refugees crossing La Manche.

“While lesser nations go about draining their coffers to feed international welfare tourists, our Prime Minister is getting to the root and branch of the thorny bush of desperate people fleeing war and starvation, out of the naive hope that the civilised world retains some of the lessons of the first half of the 20th Century,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views.

While some have suggested that the perennial war, famine, disease and climate change problems require an international solution, where all countries work together, exceptional Britain is having none of it!

“We could try and work cooperatively with our enemies in Europe,” the spokesman explained, “but that would impinge on our sovereignty. We’re taking a different path. The British people have been groomed to expect us to debase and dehumanise refugees and we aren’t about to let them down.”

The plan, reportedly conceived during a daydreaming session, which happened during a fever dream, which occurred during a dose of mental diarreah, involves talking directly with the people responsible for mistreating their fellow citizens so badly they risk death to escape.

“The Taliban have shown themselves to be reasonable,” the spokesman says. “Why, they even gave girls advance warning that they weren’t to be educated. What’s more reasonable than that? I’m sure we can have a successful dialogue where we state the number of refugees we’re willing to watch drown in the Channel each year, and they arrange their end. It’s basic supply and demand.”

What number did you have in mind?

“Zero.”

So you’re going to ramp up efforts to save people from drowning?

No. You misunderstand. Zero is the number of refugees we expect to agree to save from the Taliban. It’s basic electoral politics, and I’m sure our partners in Afghanistan will agree to it.”

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Tories to win next GE by promising to treat foreigners even worse than Brits

LOVE THEY NEIGHBOUR : LABOUR are going to have a struggle to take 10 Downing Street from the Conservative Party at the next GE, and it’s not only because of their stated desire to help make the key Tory policy of Brexit work.

“We’ve been treating the UK population like shit since we returned to power in 2010,” a beaming Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “and anyone who dares to think we’re a beacon of hope.”

From Osborne demonising people receiving any welfare, to noted churchgoing humanitarian, Theresa May, and her famous “Go Home Vans”, the current downward trajectory of the country was signalled right at the start.

“But still there’s a question of whether or not we get to rule by executive power through the 2020’s,” the spokesman shrugged. “It’s a little baffling to be honest. So we’ve had a groupthink and come up with a plan. It’s on Whatsapp.”

The plan appears to be to continue trashing all and every thing that makes a community within the UK, in the service of extractive, vulture capitalism, but to double down on making life even harder for the most desperate people on Earth. So local people get a feeling of still winning.

“If we promise to really make life suck for refugees that should make people here feel relatively better after the fact we’re half freezing and half starving them all to death. And getting rich in the process. It’s pretty straightforward really. And it’s a vote winner. It also shows the world who we are.”

Labour have been quick to criticise though, demanding that public floggings return to village squares so they can criticise the policy and state they’d only bring back “stocks and pillories instead.”

“This is how it works,” the spokesman added, “we come up with something totally insane and the opposition find something to criticise in it, but generally offer their support. It makes sense, if you like having perpetual Conservative governments.”

The tax havens sure do. And the foreign billionaires who own most of our press.

“Tax dodging foreign billionaires. Now that’s one group of foreigners we never oppress.”