52% of a vote has no legitimacy unless I like the result, says Nigel Farage

Professional gobshite Nigel Farage has condemned the election of Ursula von der Leyen as EU Commission President. He thinks that gaining the support of 52% of the electorate is insufficient.

“52% of the vote isn’t enough to elect the captain of a minor golf club!” seethed the mouthy mudslinger. “This vote has no legitimacy whatsoever!”

Translation: I don’t like this result.

Conversely, what about Brexit? After all, 52% of the electorate chose it. “The People voted for this!” said the jocular jackass on many, many occasions. “This is a mandate for the hardest Brexit imaginable, so hard it can cut diamonds. Anything else is a betrayal of democracy!”

Translation: I like this result.

“Do the maths!” thundered the self-appointed upholder of whatever form of democracy suits his own ends. “Von der Leyen only won by 9 votes. Brexit won by over a million votes. It’s a huge difference!”

So we did the maths. If you include the entire electorate in both cases, von der Leyen received 52% of the vote, including abstentions. On the same basis, Brexit received 37%. Even Numerate Nigel can’t argue that 37% has more legitimacy than 52%.

“You are twisting the facts to suit your narrative!” squealed the pompous populist. “That’s my job, not yours! You so-called experts, countering my blithering bluster with reasoned argument! It’s simply not on. The fact remains that Brexit is perfectly legitimate and von der Leyen is not!”

Translation: You shot down my argument in flames, so I’m just going to repeat what I want you to hear over and over until you give up.

It’s very strange, for someone so concerned with the legitimacy of a democratic vote, that Farage has been silent about the underhand methods used to manipulate the British electorate in the run up to the referendum. He has said nothing about data mining, dark money, undeclared donations or foreign interference, yet he gets very upset over a fair and transparent election.

Translation: You lost. Get over it!

‘Dog Chasing Cars’ – Spaff Patrol’s Brexit song most played on UK radio

DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO IF I CATCH ONE : ‘Dog Chasing Cars’ by Spaff Patrol has been revealed as the most played song on UK radio, since 23rd June 2016, after a study of music downloads on streaming service Spaffify.

“It’s down to the excellent promotion work by Spaff Patrol’s front man, Boris de workingman Johnson,” our potatriotic music correspondent says, “going old skool with his band, getting on a bus and touring the UK, playing venues large and small is the key to the success.”

But it’s not only the willingness to hit the road and meet the punters that is pegged as boosting Spaff Patrol to the top of the patriot charts.

“Just look up the lyrics of the song, from the album ‘No Border Patrols We’re British’, and it’s Brexit all over, through and through,” our correspondent reveals, “from the first line and on.”

We’ll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don’t need
Anything
Or anyone
“This is really telling the world that we are global and we don’t need anyone! Just like an emo kid overflowing with angst. If we just lie here someone will come along and lie with us.”

And it’s certain, just like a dog chasing cars, once Spaff Patrol’s Boris Johnson gets hold of the No 1 position in the land, he won’t know what to do with it either.

*Below is the link to ‘Chasing Cars’ to say sorry and thanks to Snow Patrol for the horrifying misuse of their song for the purposes of ripping the piss out of Brexit. It’s for a good cause though. 🙂

https://youtu.be/GemKqzILV4w

Man caught at airport with half a kilo of white supremacy under his toupee

TRUMP LA LA : News reports are fizzing on the wires this evening that a man caught at Washington DC airport with half a kilo of white supremacy under his toupee maybe a famous reality TV star turned political activist.

”The man’s hair was obviously glued on,” our airport security correspondent reports, “and it was so badly glued on he drew everyone’s attention immediately. It was an incredibly stupid attempt to smuggle so much white supremacy onto a plane.”

But it wasn’t just the ridiculous hair that drew the attention of law enforcement officers.

”He was clearly off his rocker,” our correspondent continues, “proclaiming loudly ‘I’ve the greatest hair. Just the greatest hair. Nobody ever seen hair so great. Here, just watch me tweet about it’ and other absurd statements directly contradicted by the naked eye. But when he started ranting at how people without pure, aryan hair should just get on a plane and go back to where they came from, well, the gig was up.”

The individual in question was taken to a secure search area, and that only made things worse.

”He tried to search the officers. He kept saying he was famous, he could do what he wanted. It was only the black strip of cloth that he had tied across his face that prevented his early identification.”

Apparently the eye mask was left in place as no one could stomach looking in his eyes, but the toupee was searched.

”It was grim. There were numerous KKK members jammed under there burrowing into his curdled, overheating brain. Some white sheets. Crosses. Petrol. Matches. Copies of memoirs by famous fascists of the first half of the 20th century. And just all sorts of racist garbage.”

He was caught tiny handed and bang to rights.

”The court of public opinion has already found him guilty,” our correspondent adds, “only the most pathetic of political leaders won’t follow suit. Men like Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt.”

We didn’t win ww2 so Nigel Farage wouldn’t be on the £50 note, say brexiters

It’s PC gone mad, claim Brexiters. Why is a gay man who voted remain on the new £50 note, when Nigel Farage is around? We didn’t beat the jerries for this. This is not a progressive symbol of Brexit!

https://news.sky.com/story/alan-turing-wwii-codebreaker-revealed-as-new-face-of-50-note-11763499

Very few Brexiters are willing to go on record, because they turn into whining snowflakes in the face of the PC police, but LCD Views found one who would.

“Print what the hell you like, I don’t care!” spat a furious Bill Dawall, MP for Reds-under-the-Bed. “I’ll say what I want, it’s a free country, which is why we need to kick out all the blacks and poofs and lefties!”

Dawall, resplendent in his MAGA hat, which was almost as red as his face, warmed to his theme.

“I say it as it is!” he bellowed. “You can’t turn your back on them or they jump you, they are on every street corner, I can’t go out any more, what a world, what a sad, sad world.”

While Dawall worked himself into a self-righteous rage, we nudged him back on topic. The £50 note, Bill.

“Now the lefty government is shoving people who didn’t even pick up a rifle and head to the frontline into our pockets!” he raged. “It’s a conspiracy! The international Communist movement controlling our government is forcing us to be PC gone mad! They are bending over backwards for a minority again, and ignoring the ordinary, hard-working, straight white man as usual. It’s PC gone completely crackers. We need to Nigel Farage right now to stop this madness!”

We reminded Bill that Alan Turing was a war hero, who cracked the Enigma code, shortening the war by 2 years and saving up to 14 million lives.

“Yeah, but he wasn’t in the Blitz, wasn’t he?” countered Dawall. “That’s what it’s all about. Yeah, you helped us win the war, now bye bye, you’re not wanted because you didn’t PICK UP A RIFLE AND HEAD TO THE FRONT WITH NIGEL. Now, Nigel is a true hero, saving us from all the bloody bluerowcrats in Brussels!”

With that he stumped back to his empty constituency office to nurse his xenophobia, homophobia and worry about how great Nigel looks with a pint.

Revealed: Farage’s plot to fake own assassination with giant milkshake!

It’s no secret that Nigel Farage will do anything to get what he wants, but the full extent of that “anything” is only now becoming clear after a document was leaked to LCD Views detailing how Farage has been considering a move that sounds like it comes right out of a thriller.

The document in question refers to a plot by Farage to fake his own assassination in an attempt to gain martyr status for his own ends.

The leaked papers include finding a supporter of roughly the same height and build as Farage, giving him plastic surgery to make him into his doppelganger, and, through a series of intermediaries, hiring a hitman armed with a giant milkshake to take out said double at a high profile event, thus leading the world to think that Farage had been assassinated, thereby bringing sympathy to his cause.

The document makes the shocking statement “it worked for Abraham Lincoln so why not me?” – proving even further that there are no limits to his crass dismissive attitude towards people who disagree with him.

The document makes no final decisions on the identities of the people involved, but suggested a few names for each task. Plastic surgeon Luke Laikham was shocked to be under consideration:

“I can’t believe he’d have the nerve!” he said. “Turning a person into the absolute duplicate of someone famous is against my professional ethics.”

This was a refreshing statement, as we didn’t know their profession had any. It was also typical of the reactions of all other surgeons on the list. All plastic surgeons are now being asked to report any suspicious requests to authorities before proceeding with them. This may not stop Farage’s team from finding a disreputable one, of which there are definitely a few out there.

The job of the assassin had fewer candidates, and it seems here they were looking for someone who already hated Farage, as this meant he would be more likely to do the job for less. Top candidate Paul “the Trigger” Gunn-Mann (not his real name, that has been withheld for legal reasons) had this to say when approached:

“You mean I’d be offered a sum to drown that kipper in milk only for it to turn out that I’d killed some innocent dupe? That’s it. First chance I get I’m shooting him in the balls – well, the ball, given like his 1930’s hero he only has one. And I’m gonna make bloody sure it’s him before I do.”

Farage himself would be sitting quietly in the wings of this, hiding from the public eye before returning after a discreet interval (and some plastic surgery of his own so as not to be recognised) as his own heir apparent.

While the revelation was shocking, we at LCD Views don’t believe the plan would have been successful. Farage just doesn’t have the willpower to keep out of the public eye long enough to pull it off.

Two world wars and two world cups, says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Who needs EU? Not Jacob Rees-Mogg, who is getting all jingoistic because England won the cricket world cup on a technicality.

“One has updated the popular chant,” said the Georgian throwback, choosing his words with seemingly forensic precision. “Nanny says it’s healthy to retain an interest in the lower orders.”

The chant now goes, two world wars and TWO world cups. All without being part of the EU.

“Well, of course technically we are still part of the EU,” commented the pompous pipecleaner. “But the world cup win was nothing to do with their pettifogging bureaucracy or their funding of random minorities. It was one hundred percent English grit and courage. I am persuaded that our great victory would have been even more comprehensive if Brexit had already happened!”

Leaving aside the facts that freedom of movement enabled England to field an Irishman as captain, and that several team members are from immigrant families, England teams have won other world cups. In women’s cricket, for example.

“Unfortunately that doesn’t count,” claimed the top-hatted beanpole. “I expect women bowl underarm, and they use a tennis ball, probably, and they have to stop to make tea for their husbands every five minutes. It’s not the same!”

Not to mention all the times we won the rugby world cup.

“That doesn’t fit my argument, so I am going to ignore it completely,” argued the inexpert expert. “Cricket is the nation’s national sport, so it counts. Association football is popular, and vitally important because of all the money involved, of course. We won two wars against the EU on our own, and one world cup before we joined the EU, and now one when we are about to leave. The EU is the common enemy. England stands alone!”

At this point, the doctors returned to ensure Mr Rees-Mogg was safely in his straitjacket.

Win means win. A tied game, and a tied tie-breaker, decided eventually using an obscure rule. Obviously an overwhelming victory.

At least it’s only a game. Nobody would ever decide the future of a whole country like this.

Scotland and Germany sign joint letter telling Donald Trump not to go back where he came from

DOG WHISTLING DONALD : The leaders of Scotland and Germany have signed a joint letter today telling Donald Trump not to go back where he came from.

The diplomatic move was a result of Donald Trump doing his utmost, again, to drive white bedsheet sales upwards in his idea of the ideal America.

”The first minister and the chancellor both felt a chill run up their spines when they heard of Drumpf’s latest attempt to turn the USA into a replica 1930’s theme park,” a Holyrood insider told LCD Views, “then they felt it run down again when they realised what the result would be if he followed his own advice.”

But critics have been quick to point out that the two European leaders have perhaps been too hasty.

”Given that Trump, or Drumpf, has both Scottish and German ancestry he would have to divide himself in two to follow his own nasty advice,” one social commentator wrote, “so that would result in either a bloody mess no one will want to put back together, except for bedsheet sellers, or two smaller mini-me style Trump’s. They’d find it harder given the atmosphere of intolerance that Trump has fostered all over.”

But critics of the critics have turned to a noted cell biologist to counter the critics.

”It’s a terrible idea,” a noted cell biologist said, “Trump is a single cell organism. Like a virus or a bacteria. The last thing the world needs is him dividing in two. He’d go on and multiply right out of the Petri dish and we’d find him all over.”

Brexit Dividends – blue ration books to play “Land of Hope and Glory” when opened

BELLY FULL OF SOVEREIGNTY : GREAT NEWS today that Brexit MPs have succeeded in redesigning the British passport blue ration books to instill a sense of patriotism, and a willingness to pay whatever price is needed to make a success of Brexit.

Burnt Jericho MP, supported by Drawn Bridge MP, both hard Brexit pushing Tories, have successfully lobbied DExEU into a rapid redesign of the already warehoused ration books.

“When someone with a grumbling belly, who may perhaps, just perhaps, feel inclined to blame remoaners for feeling more peckish than usual opens one of the British blue food ration books then a bit of Elgar is just the ticket to bring out a sense of unity and common purpose,” Burnt Jericho said, as he proudly stood before a poster sized poor map from the 19th century.

But critics of the redesign have pointed out that ‘God Save The Queen’ would surely have been the way to bring people together.

“I don’t think the song matters too much,” Jericho MP retorted, with a shrug, “as long as it’s a patriotic song. I can see it already. The food ration queues peacefully stretching all the way from the food bank to the ration warehouse, noble Britons holding hands with their ration books open, Elgar ringing from thousands of small microchips at once as the children sing in harmony. A green and pleasant land indeed!”

LCD Views is not entirely convinced songs emanating from ration books will be enough, especially as the music hasn’t been chosen by a simple, advisory referendum.

But we do concur, that a willingness to celebrate the gross failures of ideologically driven politics and avoidable hardships imposed on a trapped populace, are needed to help make a success of Brexit.

If MPs are celebrating food bank warehouses now, just imagine what they’ll celebrate if they ever get what they really want.

Photo of Neville Chamberlain chosen as next U.K. ambassador to Trump’s USA

COMING UP TRUMPS : Global Britain is set to take centre stage on the Washington stage after a famous photo of Neville Chamberlain was chosen to be the next U.K. ambassador to Trump’s USA.

”It wasn’t difficult,” an aide close to Boris Johnson (widely believed to have been instrumental in the constructive dismissal of the last ambassador) told LCD Views, “as we needed someone who properly symbolises our response to the Trump regime tearing children away from their families. Oh, and holding thousands of people in inhuman conditions in cages.”

What the photo itself thinks isn’t clear, but it’s presumed it’ll see the opportunity for career advancement and take it.

”Peace in our time,” the insider explained, “that’s the message. Let Donald Trump appoint and fire our diplomatic staff via tantrums on social media and let there be peace between tyrants, in our time.”

The news may come as a blow to some though.

”Oswald Mosley was in the running, but he’s dead and we don’t know where he is. So a no show is a no go.”

But Nigel Farage was also picked as a likely replacement to Kim Darroch. A man with experience on the world stage who could strike the right tone in diplomatic cables back from Washington. And fast too, as he’d just shout praise for the thin skinned, tiny handed, orange tyrant from a mobile LBC studio.

”Sadly he couldn’t take the post,” the insider shrugged, “he’s far too busy with his work as an MEP.”

Government launch Brexflix – streaming service only showing people punching themselves in the face

ALGORITHM OF PAIN : The British Government has announced the launch of a taxpayer funded, video streaming service today. Brexflix, which will only be showing videos of British people punching themselves in the face.

”It’s a tangible Brexit dividend,” our Westminster source said, “patriotic British people uploading photos of themselves punching themselves in the face. It proves we can pull together and get through Brexit.”

The content will be entirely provided by potatriots and it’s expected the content will be endless.

”But don’t just settle for curling your fist and bopping yourself on the nose,” the source says, “get inventive. Wear a glove. Put on some knuckledusters. Hold your car keys while you do it. Perhaps even put on a French or German accent! We all know who is to blame for Brexit.”

Once the channel has been successfully launched it’s hoped the content will be as varied as the British political climate’s appetite for self harm.

”Make your hand into the shape of a pistol and pretend to blow off your foot,” the source encourages, “then pretend to shoot yourself in the other foot. Maybe the knees? It’s a hoot. That’s Brexit.”

The morale boosting service won’t contain advertising, which is great.

”This is because you’re already paying to fund it with your tax money. Every single penny is being spent on Brexit. That’s so patriotic.”

Other variations are to be encouraged too.

”Why not cut your nose off?” the source urges, “that’ll really teach your face not to mess with the will of the people.”

Brexit. Let’s make a success of it. And with the launch of Brexflix, we can show the whole world how to do it.