Donald Trump claims the Shroud of Turin shows the likeness of Donald Trump

No one is very happy about this, especially not the priests dwelling within the sanctified corridors of the Chapel of the Holy Shroud, Piedmont, Italy. No one is very happy about this except Donald Trump. Which is how he likes it.

Overnight the President of the United States of America took himself onto social media, and spread himself all over it, to make his latest claim in a life of increasingly bizarre claims.

”It’s me. It’s me. Not many people know this. But it’s me. They’ve done the tests. They all know it’s me. They don’t want to tell you that folks. But they know it’s me.”

POOTUS repeated this statement for an hour. No one was clear what he was talking about, not that it matters at this point, that’s not the point. The point is confusion. Imbalance. Keeping open a space to drag his corpulent ego through like Jabba the Hut getting his daily mile in, slime trail in his wake.

“They’re going to have to come clean,” Trump continued, “They’ve been lying to all of you. The fake news media. The scientists. What do they know? I know what I know and you know I know that you know what I know!”

Here he paused. Speculation is he was confused and exhausted by the construction of such a long sentence. But as surely as norovirus boarding a cruise ship, he continued.

”It’s my face. Look closely folks. It’s me. It’s a sign. That dish cloth they keep in that little church in Italy, with the face on it? That’s my face. It’s a sign people. It won’t wash off. Oooo they try to wash my face off. But it won’t come off.”

And he wasn’t finished with the subject.

”I’m going to buy it. I am going to have Melania wash it. By hand. With soap. Maybe a little bleach. Then I’m going to frame it and hang it in the Oval Office. You’ll see. It’s me. I’ll even take a DNA test if you want. I’ll prove it’s me.”

The keepers of the Shroud of Turin are yet to comment. But reliable reports say one of the priests was overheard saying “bollocks’, which translates into English as ‘bollocks’, which is nice.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shroud_of_Turin

Nigel Farage launches The Brexit Party – a new streaming news service providing 100% of BBC political news output

The BBC and Nigel Farage are sitting pretty today after the launch of Mr Farage’s new The Brexit Party digital TV channel virtually guarantees 100% BBC political news coverage for the foreseeable future, with no cost to the license fee payer.

https://thebrexitparty.com

“Well, there will be a cost,” a production executive working on the tie-up revealed, “but it’ll only be a democratic one, with some credibility spare change.”

The launch of the streaming service coincides with the announcement that UK citizens will almost certainly be voting in the EU elections on May 23rd, unless Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn can agree a mutually assured destruction pact and get it through parliament beforehand.

Speaking at Broadcasting House, at the launch of the latest BBC channel, Mr Farage laughed like a donkey on meth, coughed several times and expressed his gratitude to the national broadcaster.

“I wouldn’t be where I was without the BBC today,” Mr Farage beamed, “they’ve carried my career from the very earliest days. Mostly by forgetting they’re publicly funded with a mandate to inform, tossing all that off to compete in the world of celebrity news and shock, viral success. Rupert Murdoch’s appointment as Creative Director at the Beeb was pivotal to my career.”

Mr Farage also expressed his pleasure at potentially being returned to the European Parliament, so long as enough self defeating suckers vote for him.

“I wasn’t overly impressed by the size of my EU funded pension for years of doing sod all,” Mr Farage smirked, “but with a few more years under my belt popping over to Brussels now and then to be a prat, well, add that to a depreciating Sterling and I’m sitting pretty. Theresa! Keep those Article 50 extensions coming!”

To balance out the content generated by Mr Farage in 2019 the BBC has promised to replay all the previous content featuring Mr Farage with a side serving of Jacob Rees-mogg.

Uri Geller apologises to Assange after psychic attempt to stop Brexit leads to arrest

Famous cutlery mangler Uri Geller has apologised to Julian Assange, after a psychic attempt to stop Brexit by bending the spoons inside Theresa May’s head led to Julian Assange’s arrest.

“I am very sorry,” Mr Geller posted across social media platforms, “it appears I bent the wrong spoon inside Theresa May’s head. I was attempting to bend the Brexit spoon, but instead bent the Julian Assange one.”

The miss targeting of the psychic smart bomb had immediate impact.

“I felt the change in the force and I paled,” Mr Geller went on, “in my mind’s eye, and in several other peoples’ eyes, I saw Theresa May immediately pick up her phone and call Mr Javid at the Home Office. It was in that moment I knew I had made a grievous error. She was supposed to reach for her quill and paper and write to Donald Tusk.”

While the accident has grave ramifications for Mr Assange, who now faces the danger of having the face the Swedish sexual assault accusations that people who support him mostly forget to mention, just like they forget to mention how the lives of democracy advocates in many oppressive regimes were placed in danger by the unredacted Wikileaks dump, while also glossing over the Wikileaks dump that arguably interfered badly in the US presidential campaign and helped Donald Trump into the White House, while also not bothering to wonder why suspected Russian asset (just reprinting what is said you understand, not alleging anything) Nigel Farage visited Assange in his hold out at the Ecuadorian Embassy and then immediately claimed to have forgotten why, a catalogue that is complicated by the exposing of atrocities by American troops, because like many horrible and complex situations, there is a difficult blurring of clearly wrong behaviour exposed over to dubious and clearly wrong rights, all in the same subject, and the modern world isn’t capable of discussing complex issues without screaming at each other immediately, the staff at the Ecuadorian Embassy are presumably more than a little relieved.

“I’ll try again,” Mr Geller added, “to stop Brexit. Maybe it’s the already mangled spoon inside Ms May’s head I need to be targeting to stop Brexit? Or maybe it’s inside Mr Corbyn’s head where the answer lies? When I find out you’ll know.”

In the meantime people who are concerned about things suddenly going wrong in their lives are advised to wrap both their heads, and their cutlery, in tin foil. Just to be on the safe side.

‪Theresa May to request another Article 50 extension now to save time in late October‬

BREAKING : LCD Views has received a leaked communication from the Downing Street bunker that says Theresa May is to request another Article 50 extension now to save time in late October.

”I’m not surprised,” our Article 50 extension specialist reveals, “I’m surprised she’s waited this long, it’s nearly 48 hours since she requested the last one.”

That’s pushing her luck a little? Surely? Apparently Macron is well fed up with her already?

”Oh, don’t worry about him. That’s just his good cop bad cop routine with Merkel.”

But surely her party won’t stand for this? And as for Labour? We’ll they’ll just be confused. You can’t move too fast with Brexit or their conscious uncoupling with their voters may get out of control.

”Most of the idiots in May’s party are busy sharpening sticks and foaming at the mouth over the October 31st extension already. If she lets them get used to the idea they’re liable to settle into a cold rage and actually come after her. This will distract them nicely. Most will spend the next twenty four hours biting their own neck now.”

But what are the chances of the EU agreeing now?

”I think they don’t care, if I’m honest, it’s just how we live now. They’ll rubber stamp the extension. They won’t even bother having a meeting this time. They’ll do it over WhatsApp.”

But what date will they give this time?

”I would put my money on a short additional extension to November 5th. That’s a symbolic date and one everyone can remember.”

10 Downing Street confirms Switzerland does not exist and we can learn nothing there

GLOBAL BRITONS! GET YOUR MAPS OUT AND YOUR MARKER PENS BECAUSE SWITZERLAND DOES NOT EXIST.

10 Downing Street has reacted swiftly today to the news that a Swiss court has ordered a referendum re-run, because of errors in the pre-ref build up, and the finding by the Swiss court that voters were not given the full facts prior to going to the ballot.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-47879777

“We have lately been receiving queries regarding a non-existent country’s decision to quash the result of a people’s vote in 2016 and order it re-run. This has no application in Mighty Britannia because the non-existent country concerned does not exist. So let’s have no more talk about it. Our country is united behind the result of a our rigorously conceived and administered plebiscite in 2016 and all now want the result, whatever it was, delivered.”

But while the stance from our country’s seat of power is adamant that the country concerned does not exist, behind closed doors there are whispers that this is not true and we should extend the hand of friendship.

“John Humphry’s could give them classes on how to handle referendums,” an insider told LCD Views, “Rory Stewart could assist as John’s TA. He could tell the Swiss that you just make up the numbers you want to support whatever argument, or outcome, you desire. This could be done with a series of slides while John shouts BUT THE PEOPLE HAVE DECIDED at the Swiss. It’s pretty straightforward. They’re a small country. It’s no surprise they’ve gotten confused. The mother of parliaments should help out.”

It’s believed cross party talks have now started in secret on how to handle the matter, in case too many people in the UK start not only believing that Switzerland does exist, but that also we should heed their way of dealing with a referendum, because they do a lot of it.

“Labour aren’t confirming they are talking to Downing Street about how to help out with this, but I have heard that if they are, they are insistent that referenda and not referendums is used in any official document.”

We at LCD Views say good luck to the Swiss! Even though you don’t exist! And hope we can learn non-existent lessons from your non-existent existence. Thank you.

Danny Dyer to record David Cameron’s autobiography as an audiobook

People who like to read are in for a treat on their summer holidays this year with the news they won’t have to bother with David Cameron’s autobiography.

”This is because Danny Dyer has been commissioned to record the audiobook edition,” an insider claiming to work for Harper Collins told LCD Views – on the condition we kept it to ourselves.

To give you a flavour of how it will sound we have included the following link of Danny reviewing David’s greatest achievement  :

https://youtu.be/3JdclVI9zq0

The contract for the Dyer edition is being kept secret and we understand Danny will deny it if questioned.

”It’s going to be fruitier than the printed edition,” the insider continued, “with lots of confusing lower order slang and wordplay. Basically anyone wanting to hear Britain’s greatest living prime minister’s thoughts from a genuine point of thinking that it’s somehow worthwhile, well, they’ll need a translator, it’ll be like listening to Jamie Oliver in full flow, only it will be the real deal and not mockney.”

But when did the publishers get the draft to Danny to record, given that Wonder Dave has only just handed it in?

”They didn’t,” the insider confirms, “they asked Danny to use his imagination and give us the real David Cameron, the one everyone can plainly see. Not the PR bullshit version that Mr Cameron would like you to see.”

And will the Dyer version be titled differently to the Cameron written one?

”Yes. Trotters is the front runner. Although No Regrets is also a possibility.”

LCD Views would like to commend the entire team for their work on what is an almost impossible task.

Just how do you finish a memoir that ends in complete failure?

We look forward to finding out as we holiday in Nice, with our trotters up, this summer.

Ecuadorian Embassy London advertises broom cupboard for rent on SpareRoom.com

BREAKING : The Ecuadorian Embassy in London has broken through the Brexit news miasma because it has advertised a basement broom cupboard for rent on SpareRoom.com.

“The reason is because Julian Assange finally found himself gasping, starving, clawing sufficiently for publicity and new sources of crowdfunding that he left the embassy,” our embassy watcher reports, “and was promptly arrested by British police, as he wanted. This will get him a lot of publicity, or so he hopes, but there’s fears he’s hidden down in that basement for so long, feverishly imagining conspiracies against himself, that public interest maybe on the wane.”

So what happens now?

“Who cares?” shrugged our embassy watcher, “Farage can go and meet him openly I guess? Assange has really left it too long.”

But are you sure this is just a cry for attention? Maybe it’s a result of the embassy staff finally getting fed up with his tantrums?

“Well, there was that news story a while back about Assange looking to sue the Ecuadorian Embassy itself because it was mad at him for not cleaning up all the cat poo, so maybe relations between the Messiah complex and the staff have reached a breaking point.”

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-latin-america-46027963

That’s the embassy’s fault, surely? They could have gotten him a smaller familiar whose poo is less noticeable?

“Like a hamster or a mouse?”

Maybe a parrot? He could have used it as a device to record his speeches.

“So when he’s imprisoned in a secret location in the USA the parrot could remind everyone of his wisdom?”

Now, you’re getting it! Or maybe a praying mantis? You wouldn’t even notice that.

“All good advice, but it’s too long now, it seems the most forgotten soap opera in British history is drawing to a close. Log on to the internet now, that room is up for grabs, and for just the price of your sanity and reputation, it’s a deal! But hurry, Farage, Banks, Elliot and a mob of other Brexit charlatans with dubious foreign links are said to have already booked a viewing.”

https://www.lrb.co.uk/v36/n05/andrew-ohagan/ghosting

Costa del Sol or South of France this summer? Brits react to Brexit extension via Expedia

“OMFG! We can go on our usual summer holiday this year!” Millions of Britons have reacted spontaneously to the news that Theresa May has ground the petrified EU27 into yet another retreat in the face of No Deal Brexit, “and not the English Riviera.”

“Costa del Sol or South of France this summer?” asked married couples, co-habiting couples, civil unions, bunches of friends, threesomes, foursomes, fivesomes and consciously un-coupled pairings attempting to recouple, who have realised that Tinder doesn’t have all the answers, and of course for new couples who realised it did.

Expedia is said to be powering up additional servers just to cope with the waves of relief. People can take a break from an island riven with xenophobia and nationalist politics and go somewhere they actually recognise.

“Easyjet are breathing easier too,” our continental break analyst says, after moonlighting temporarily as an airline analyst, “although I only know that because it’s bloody obvious.”

Being able to go to that favoured hotel, villa or campsite may not solve Brexit, but it will help reinforce to millions that Brexit is a terrible idea.

“I keep drunkenly opening up Expedia in the evenings to book the standard summer fortnight and going, bloody Brexit! and then closing the browser,” one metropolitan bubble, avocado munching elite told us, “I really want to find myself at the bar with someone not from my suburb, but a funny regional accent, trying to work out if they’re a kipper or not, while happily drinking insane Spanish spirit measures and laughing at the kids.”

Go Britons! We’re not sponsored by the travel industry, but we still say go! But don’t blame us if Boris takes over the Tories next week and crashes us all out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3YiPC91QUk

Brexit retreats to Rochester Castle and waits for Remainers to lay siege

BREAKING : News from the front lines of the English Civil War says that Brexit has retreated to Rochester Castle in Kent and is preparing to hold out against a summer long siege, laid by Remainers.

“I don’t really like the word besieged,” Corporal Francois shouted over the castle walls to our front line reporter, “sounds suspiciously French. Just like my name. Just like Farage. AT WHAT POINT CAN WE START DRINKING EACH OTHER’S WEE?”

Wait until the siege has exhausted your drinking water Corporal Francois.

While Corporal Francois, accompanied by Privates Bridgen and Dorries, were the first to enter the castle, the forces of Brexit are still strung out in disarray across the countryside of Southeast England, struggling to reach the temporary sanctuary.

“Reports are coming in of desertions along the way,” our embedded reporter reports, “Captain Oborne is said to have deserted even before the pivotal battle overnight at Brussels, having read the lay of the land and desperately attempting to still appear as a thoughtful political intellectual,

“So too Lieutenant Ferrari, although Lance Corporal Fraser is believed to have assumed command of both diminished battalions and is doggedly leading them on towards Rochester Castle, suffering fire from sharpshooters as they race between thickets. It’s not certain they are carrying enough slogans to see off the harassing outriders of the Remainers.”

But all is not lost for the weary troops of Brexit as it seems Field marshall May arrived ahead of the lot and has secured herself inside the castle’s keep in order to plan the defence of the stronghold.

“Field marshall May has apparently secured relief supplies of cans to kick within the castle perimeter for some time yet, while she waits to see if her ceasefire with Sargent Corbyn yields any tangible benefits.”

The actions of the privately trained and allegedly Sovietly funded, sorry! We mean £3 a pop funded militia, under the command of Sargent Corbyn (who refuses to accept a higher rank out of solidarity with the rank and file), may well be key to deciding the outcome of the siege, with some reports suggesting he will break the siege and free May’s forces to once again harry the manufacturing and service economy across the English landscape.

“I wouldn’t be holding out for Corbyn’s militia to save the day,” our reporter shrugs, “those forces specialise in sitting on fence posts firing in all directions, but never taking a decisive move on the field of battle.”

Whatever happens next, one thing is certain, unless May raises the white flag of surrender, the green fields surrounding Rochester Castle will be littered with the corpses of simple slogans flung over the walls in kamikaze acts of self sacrifice in the months ahead.

“If there’s no snack bar I’m out,” Corporal Francois shouts out definitely from the walls, “send Mars Bars! Send Snickers! Send small shot in the form of Maltesers!”

It’s going to be a long, hot, attritional summer as Brexit is besieged and ground out.

Theresa May masks to be best sellers for this year’s Halloween

British mask makers are expressing their relief this morning at the news that No Deal Brexit is now scheduled to happen on October 31st 2019, and not Friday April 12th, as previously agreed in international talks between the UK and EU.

“I’m trying to keep a straight face,” one mask manufacturer told LCD Views, “this is why I’m wearing this Boris Johnson mask with voluntary mad wig, but I’m very pleased.”

The fate of mask designers and makers has been a key focus of the Brexit negotiations between the UK and EU, with many expecting them to only be allowed to produce Guy Fawkes masks forevermore.

“What sort of nonsense date was April 12th anyway? A nothing day. You try searching it online. April 14th, that’s a winner. Titanic and all that. Anyway, at least now we can get to finding terrifying images of May on Google and really get into production.”

The choosing of October 31st, or Halloween as it’s also known, shows the keen sense of humour the EU have developed during the process of experiencing a member state in a full blown psychological breakdown.

“It’s either laugh or cry, I suppose,” our mask maker shrugged, “hang on, just let me switch to this Jason mask. The EU27 should really be thanking us. It’s clear we’ve taught them all to have a sense of humour over the last few years. One of the tangible benefits of Brexit. And now they’re just winking and trolling us. I reckon if we have to ask for another extension in late October then they’ll offer us only November 5th.”

The May mask production will be in full flow shortly and mask makers expect them to be a burning success.

“Who else would you wear this Halloween? It’s really a way of saying thanks to the prime minister who’s done so much to help Britons to smile again.”