Overly sensitive Tory MPs to cover Pink Floyd classic “Comfortably Numb” retitled “Comfortably Dumb”

Great news for lovers of classic songs today with the announcement that a group of the sharpest tacks in an otherwise blunt Tory box have formed a musical troupe in order to cover Pink Floyd’s classic song ‘Comfortably Numb’.

The group, calling themselves ‘The Spoons’ may not be easily trusted with a knife and fork, but LCD Views’ musical correspondent is certain they can do justice to one of the stand out classics of British music.

“Especially as they’re going to re-title the song ‘Comfortably Dumb’,” our very own music man says, “but that’s not due to some burst of self-awareness, it’s because that’s what they think the song is called.”

The tune, once committed to vinyl, will be released free in boxes at food banks in the areas represented by the MPs.

“It’s thought that seeing their mugs on the jacket of the single will give people using the food banks a lift. Many of them may right then be seeking a new cover for a dart board, as well as a square meal.”

But the artistic foray isn’t without criticism, as some leading dims in the ranks of the government aren’t in the group.

“Chris Grayling was supposed to be there, but he was busy trying to pull open a door that has push written on it. It’s believed that will keep him tied up for weeks. And Jacob Rees-mogg agreed to take part, so long as he could sing his lines in pig latin, but then he had to pull out because his nanny is taking him to be weighed at the doctors that day.”

Nonetheless, we’re sure the group can make a success of the single and we fully expect not one penny of the post production sale profits to go to charity.

“The opening lines of the song are particularly pertinent to the group of MPs,

Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone at home?

That’s exactly what anyone meeting Raab, Dorries, Bridgen, Davis and so on routinely ask when hearing them say anything at all and looking in their eyes.”

Banks death notice causes panic among Tories

Unless foul play or contagious illness are involved, it’s unusual for the death of a public figure to inspire a reaction of terror, but that’s what happened yesterday morning in government circles when the death of a man named Banks was disclosed.

The announcement “Banks dead!” caused widespread panic among the Conservative party and their rich chums, especially those in the banking sector, as they feared for their ill-gotten gains.

Stockbroker Ian Vestments had the following comment on the matter:

“I was getting calls from every senior Tory politician and banker you can think of. They were all asking what the future was for their money if the banking system was truly dead and buried. In the first instance I asked what they were talking about, and it didn’t take long to find out. It turns out they’d seen the headline and panicked. It wasn’t Arron Banks, it was just some footballer. I kept getting lots of calls for the next several minutes but eventually it tailed off.”

Mr Vestments spent the overwhelming majority of the morning (52% according to his telephone records) explaining to the Tories that nothing had happened to their money.

“They all seemed very relieved when they found out that it was just a person, especially just some old footballer,” Mr Vestments added.

“No disrespect to Mr Banks, he was a national hero, a key member of England’s winning World Cup squad in 1966, and his passing should be noted. At least no disrespect to him from me. You should have heard what those snooty bastards said when they found out the news!”

According to the call logs, a Mr Jacob Rees-Mogg was distraught. “You mean one has wasted one’s energies worrying about one’s money?” he ranted, outraged at the thought. “Instead, one discovers it was the merciful decease of a filthy working class football hooligan!”

Even when corrected about Mr Banks being a player, Mr Rees-Mogg insisted there was no difference. “It’s fake news!” he said, reasonably.

Boris Johnson’s reaction was a fear for the future funding of Brexit, while Theresa May planned to compensate by raising a new tax on the working classes.

We at LCD Views say shame on every Conservative politician and banker who feared for their money on reading the news, and offer our condolences to the family and friends of Mr Gordon Banks.

Government creates “The Graylings” – gongs for ministers who waste the most public money annually

Great news today for lovers of fiscal policy tightening by government with the announcement that HMG is to create “The Graylings”, gongs for the Secretary of State, and other ministers, who waste the most public money annually.

”It’s pretty much open season on the public finances,” our Downing Street insider reveals, “we know we’re running out of time in seeming control of the country and its finances, so it’s grab as much cash as you can before the sheriff rides into town and we have to scarper for the hills. All those non-exec positions on the boards of companies that have benefitted massively from our policy decisions, while having a pad next to Dave “trotters” Cameron in Nice.”

But why waste time creating the Graylings? Surely you’ve got more pressing things to do?

”We want our legacy to last long after we’ve finished doing the work of 55 Tufton Street. The Grayling award will help with that. Automatic elevation to the Lords and a £350m pot to the winner annually. Sweet.”

Other awards are also planned.

”The Chope, a pin on your lapel star for the most regressive and morally repulsive MP, to be awarded weekly, as it’s such a crowded field,

”The Mays, for the public servant hell bent on a path regardless of how much evidence has piled up that it’s insane; that public money isn’t going to find its way into private pockets via catastrophe without a good push from the top you know!”

I hear there’s talk too of the Johnson, what’s that one?

“That’s in honour of man of the moment, bastion of piffle paffle and casual racism himself, Boris Johnson.”

What’s the entry criteria to be in the running for a Johnson?

”Easy, you just need to be the biggest rooster in the show. Some said, given how much public money he wasted while Mayor of London it’s too similar to the Grayling, but we think he deserves a special award based on his personality alone.”

The Grayling, you’ve got to be in it to win it. To win it you’ve got to be an idiot.

Food banks permitted to charge for non-essential items

Starvation Minister Amber Rudd refused to rule out introducing charges to use food banks. Non-essential items, such as potatoes, would become chargeable under new regulations.

This came about as Rudd linked food bank usage to the success of Universal Credit. “Thanks to benefit changes, waiting times for food banks are down to as little as five weeks,” claimed Rudd’s spokesfatty, Eaton Pye. “I don’t think that’s unreasonable. After all, the average overweight benefit scrounger can survive for 35-40 days without food, with only a small chance of physical or psychological damage or death.”

Universal Credit failures are cited as one of the reasons for food bank use in the first place. “And that’s why charging is essential,” said Pye. “It will eliminate the freeloaders, so that only the truly needy will be able to obtain vital supplies of own-brand tinned marrowfat peas.”

LCD’s Food For Thought correspondent researched the charging schedule more closely. The list of chargeable items was surprisingly long. All fruit and vegetables will be paid-for (except Brussels sprouts). Bread, rice and biscuits all attract payment (“Let them eat cake!” chortled Pye), as do many other common foodstuffs like eggs and cheese.

“Cheese, unfortunately, cannot be exempt,” said Pye. “As one of our most popular items, a tariff must be applied to stifle demand. Customers may instead obtain bottles of milk way past their sell-by date, and produce their own cheeses.”

We put it to Pye that food banks were becoming, in essence, supermarkets in all but name. “No, not at all,” Pye retorted. “We are literally giving away food. All claimants have to do is to turn up and complete an application form only 32 pages long. Time to process this must be allowed, and if a claim is upheld, then claimants may choose from all the items we stock that Aldi can’t actually sell.”

“Please, can I have some more?” “No, of course not! What do you think this is, Dickensian London?”

Ta DA! Putin orders Tory MPs to take their seats in the Duma

Great change is underway at the House of Commons today after it was announced that a yet to be specified number of Tory MPs are believed to be moving to Moscow.

“It’s part of a new power sharing initiative between Downing Street and the Kremlin,” our CONservative Party insider whispered, “that began with Brexit. But the move is really nothing more than a rumour at the moment, wait until the official press release. The Tory MPs on the move will retain their constituencies in the UK, on order of President Putin. But don’t print that either, yet. Although the list of MPs is freely available, just not if anyone asks for it.”

We won’t print a word of any of this. You have our word, as solid as the ass of the ERG.

And even if we do print your whispers, we’ll say this is an unsubstantiated rumour.

This is an unsubstantiated rumour from a fictional source inside the Conservative Party. Make believe. A mind experiment in what if’s?

“Excuse me?”

Turn your hearing aide up, fictional 1950’s, cartoon, elderly person.

“What?! Did you ask what the average age of a Tory party member is?”

Here, have this ear horn and let’s get on with the article.

“That’s much better, thank you. The move is expected to save the Russian Federation substantial money too, as now emissaries from the Kremlin won’t have to be flown to the UK to play tennis matches, in order to allegedly compromise chosen MPs with foreign money, but can be paid directly in the currency of their choice at their new place of work.”

What’s the new place of work again?

“The Duma.”

Some would speculate that many Brexit backing MPs have been working there since at least 2010, but we certainly wouldn’t. And at least with dozens of Tories working from Moscow going forward, there will be room for more MPs to take a seat at Westminster. And just maybe a few Labour MPs will go too…

*the inclusion of JRM in the image is in now way an attempt to suggest he works for the Kremlin. He just apparently has interests in banks in Russia.

University of Life comes bottom of the academic league table AGAIN

The latest academic league tables have been published, and there are few surprises. Oxford & Cambridge colleges dominate the higher end of the UK’s education establishments as ever, and also, once again, the very bottom spot has been taken by the same centre of learning that has come bottom for the last twenty years, the University Of Life.

The University of Life has earned this dubious distinction every year since it was granted its royal charter in 1994, and for a quarter of a century has shown itself to be anything but a centre of academic excellence.

The results have caused huge outcry among its alumni.

“I just don’t understand it,” says graduate Art Thorpe. “I got my degree here in the 90s and it’s got me where I am today.”

The reaction of the unemployed, Brexit-voting Mr Thorpe, 52, is typical of all the university’s former students. Not a single one could be found who wasn’t outraged at the result. Moreover, not a single one could be found who could correctly spell “outraged” – or “university” come to that.

Rumours have been afoot for a while that the university may be subject to a detailed OFSTED inspection, with the possibility of it losing its royal charter.
The University of Life is still the only university in the whole of the UK with no minimum entry requirements. On the contrary, it has a maximum entry requirement, anything higher than a D in your A-levels automatically disqualifies you from attending. Indeed, A-levels themselves are frowned on, and even GCSEs are treated with skepticism.

I tried to gauge the reaction of the teaching staff at this news, but unfortunately could not find a single man or woman who has ever taught at the establishment.

Android designers disappointed with AI prototype

The world’s first vaguely convincing prototype android, the TM-1, is due to be withdrawn shortly. Its designers are disappointed with it, and have identified flaws which mean they will have to go back to the drawing board.

Head designer Art Uditu explained the problems. “There are various major problems with the TM-1,” he explained. “There are many minor faults developing, but the three most serious ones are causing a lot of headaches for our maintenance chaps.”

Uditu listed the three main flaws – voice, facial expression, and odd bodily movements. “The voice chip is down to a small selection of random remarks, like ‘We will deliver on the result of the referendum’, and ‘Let me be very clear about this’,” he said. “The algorithm which creates realistic facial expressions has basically crashed, and the TM-1 moves like a mating giraffe in a high wind.”

Attempts to dance or curtsey have also contributed to damaged motor function bearings. This means that the TM-1 could be temporarily housed in a wheeled metal shell. “Given that the android looks more and more like Davros every day, that is a logical step,” remarked Uditu sagely.

Uditu was quick to point out that the TM-1 would not be equipped with extermination capacity. This, he said, would be unnecessary given the TM-1’s indirect attempts to exterminate the UK population through food and medicine shortages.

Meanwhile, robots and androids from across the universe were busy denying any kinship with the TM-1.

“It’s like comparing an abacus to a spaceship,” grumbled Marvin the paranoid android. “It hurts just thinking down to its level. I’m not getting you down, am I?”

“I wouldn’t be seen dismantled with it,” claimed C-3PO haughtily. “And that’s from someone whose best friend is a bleeping dustbin!”

Rumours abound of the existence of another AI prototype, codenamed JC-2, which suffers from chronic power failures.

The TM-1 is due to be decommissioned on 29 March 2019. Uditu is working on a replacement, but is having trouble obtaining supplies from the EU.

Nigel Farage leads campaign to remove all European influence from the English language

Nigel Farage, the most successful failure in the United Kingdom, has launched a fresh initiative. He is calling for a Brexit of the English language. If successful, this means that all words which can be traced back to Europe will be removed from the language with immediate effect.

Farage is calling the project “Ingerlish language for Ingerlish people”. LCD’s Bad Language correspondent paid a visit to the man who put the ‘moron’ into ‘oxymoron’.

“This is all part of my Brexit Party project,” he claimed. “Ingerlish means Ingerlish! The Jerries and the Frogs can just hop off, so I can buy untipped full strength cigarettes and Watney’s Bitter again.”

So it’s all about nostalgia for your lost youth?

“Yes. No! No. Yes! Ermmm…” he waffled, decisively. “The point is, we in Ingerland have had just about enough of those poncy continental Johnnies poking their carefully trimmed noses into our business. We want to strip back the language to its essential Ingerlishness!”

That might be difficult, given that the English language has a rich heritage, with influences from many European sources.

“We intend to start with technical language,” said Farage. “All that hypotenuse and Yersina Pestis rubbish. Nobody uses that except experts, and experts will be banned too. We will then strip it back to the original Celtic. Communication may be difficult for a time, but it will be worth it. We want our language back!”

Basically Farage is saying we will all be talking Welsh after Brexit. So we met up with an expert on Welsh, before he is banned for all eternity.

“Welsh is a wonderful language, boyo,” said the Welsh expert, Dai Llaffyng. “But it also has its roots on the continent, see? You go back, now, before the birth of Christ, and the whole of Europe is speaking Celtic languages, isn’t it, you know? Iechyd da to you!”

So it looks like Brexiters will be reduced to communicating via grunts, with the occasional surviving Indian loan word, dating from the days of the Raj, thrown in for good measure.

To conclude, our response to Farage is simply this: Mmmph… Unngghh… Blurrrgg… Verandah…

Brexit backing MPs asked “just tell us what they’re paying you and we’ll double it?”

A new fantastical remainer plot to THWART OUR BREXIT has been exposed today after a fictional, anonymous source claimed without any back up whatsoever that Brexit backing MPs have been asked, “just tell us what they’re paying you and we’ll double it?”

It’s believed the make believe attempt to get to the bottom of the motivations of MPs still backing Brexit, in spite of all evidence that it’s the most kamikaze political project since the last one, has finally gotten around to wondering, if, and by who, the MPs are being paid?

“It’s just speculation, but it could be worth spending the money to double the incentives,” our political figment of the imagination says,

“we don’t send £350m per week to Brussels, let’s use it to bribe, I mean, um, incentivise our MPs to stop Brexit instead?

“There must be an upper limit on the amount of cash overseas, dark money interests are willing to spend to destabilise the European project and reduce the EU to rubble, just so they can strip away its wealth, rule the ordinary man and woman in a return to indentured servitude, and profit off a revised arms trade in the European domestic market?”

There must be, but it’s probably a high total, given how fat the golden goose seems to the resurgent international conspiracy of far right, sociopathic billionaires utilising toxic nationalism and misdirection of fear and anger to fuel their coups.

“It couldn’t be that just too many MPs are currently too gutless to stand up and be counted,” our source mused, “blind to the realisation that this is one of those periods in modern history where elected representatives need to set aside narrow party interests, and selfish motivations, and put the many first, instead of the interests of the few ideologues who seek to trash the country and make it anew, in their own terrible image?”

No, it couldn’t be that. What else could it be?

Nigel Farage launches new political party with poster of a man with his head up his backside

Nigel Farage is all set to start asking the EU he hates so much for public funds to misuse again after he announced he has formed yet another political party.

But controversy has already engulfed ‘The Brexit Party’ after keen fans of the reincarnation of Oswald Moseley mashed into Lord Haw-Haw, and flavoured with extra rent-a-gob fascism, spotted something missing from posters unveiled to herald Farage’s latest bollocks.

“They’res know Union Jack and knot even a Saint George flag,” Mr Potatriot told LCD Views, “just a man with his head stuck up his jacksie. Witch is right, its are only direction off travel, but wee kneed the world too no its a BRITISH HED STUCK UP A BRITISH BACKSIDE!!,,!!?/11!!”

It’s unlikely the criticism will slow Farage down though as he drives forward with the likely power of thousands of Kremlin bots pushing ‘The Brexit Party’ to prominence in the media.

Added to this he can presumably rely on a massive influx of dark money from the USA, as the modern pan-Atlantic feudalists attempt to finish the job of cracking open the golden goose that is the UK to get at its innards.

“He’s signed an exclusive publicity deal with the BBC,” our political afterbirths correspondent says, “so he’s sure to get in the face of everyone who hasn’t already bent over backwards to insert their head up their backside. Then he can just shout Brexit is being betrayed until he resumes his seat at the EU parliament, after Brexit is cancelled at 9:59pm UK time on the 29th March. He’s basically employed for life.”

But what is inside the golden goose that Farage and his American sponsors are so gun-ho to get at?

“Well, I suspect they want to break apart the EU so they can enslave ordinary working people, you know, like in the good old days” our correspondent suggests, “and of particular interest in the UK is the realisation that the greatest concentration of private wealth is in the homes of the over 55’s. But to get them to ‘release’ that equity, you’re going to have to cripple and flog off the NHS first. Brexit is a many faceted turd. Put your head up your jacksie and inhale it!”

No thanks! We’ll keep arguing that our collective heads should be kept well on the outside!