Downing Street denies high domestic energy costs are part of plan to end working from home

DOWN WITH THE ANTI GROWTH COALITION: Downing Street has denied that the cost of living crisis is part of a plan to end working from home. In unrelated news, commercial offices are being ‘discouraged’ from acting as warm spaces.

Unfortunately, the scattergun approach to joined up policy is not helping the Government to operate this non-policy. Home workers cannot get to the office, because councils are being forced to cut costs by not gritting the roads. The price of petrol is simply ridiculous, and public transport is unreliable, thanks to the greedy Woke Lefty train drivers selfishly going on strike because they can’t afford to get to work on the exorbitantly priced trains either.

Government spokeswonk Costa Lott denied everything. “There’s no big plan,” she said, confirming what we all suspected. “The problems are everything to do with international markets, greedy nurses, Putin’s Illegal War, small boat people, Meghan Markle, and Jeremy Clarkson – I mean, Corbyn. There’s nothing we can do about these external factors, so you can stuff your conspiracy theories where the Sun don’t shine!”

However, LCD Views has seen a document, headed “Top Secret! Do NOT leak! Not even a little bit!”. This document, signed off by the Cabinet, details the entire strategy. In essence, the plan (such as it is) is to make homes intolerably expensive to run, so that employees choose to spend 24 hours a day at the office (and rent space for a sleeping bag on the floor). This was accidentally circulated by Suella Braverman to everyone in her ‘Family & Fiends’ whatsapp group, under the heading of ‘Our latest plan to stuff the plebs! LOLZ!’

“I don’t recognise that document,” said a visibly worried Costa Lott. “Nor any of the names. Fake news!” She turned white and fled for her life.

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. A blunt weapon wielded by blunt weapons. At least we don’t have a Labour government.

I want to earn my forgiveness for being a useless Health Secretary by going on a tawdry TV show when I should be at work, says Matt Hancock

WHEN DYSLEXIA MEANS DAILY SEX: Illiterate handsy ex minister Matt Hancock is pleading for forgiveness for his sins. Obviously, opting to skive off work, fly to Australia, and submit himself to perform humiliating tasks for our entertainment, is bound to make us sympathetic.

His parliamentary colleagues are lining up to support him, in the only way they know how. By ganging up on him, and block voting for Hancock to perform the most degrading challenges. Kicking him when he’s down. From Hancock to kangaroo cock. 

Naturally, the rest of us will be jeering him on. While Hancock may genuinely believe that he will find redemption, the smart money says not. It’s not hard to think of ways that Hancock could display his sorrow, how he could redeem himself, or gain grudging acceptance. But deserting his post (for a large sum of money) and shedding crocodile tears is not one of them. 

It’s a jungle out there. As usual, Hancock has tried to read the room. Unfortunately, his devotion to dyslexia means that he got it all horribly wrong. His chosen public penance of ingesting inappropriate foods while being harangued by a camp 80s pop star will not earn him any respect. Ask his predecessor, Nadine Dorries. 

The only rumble in the jungle is likely to be from Hancock’s stomach, as it attempts to digest the indigestible. A bit like his adoring public. 

Jungles are full of snakes and creepy crawlies. Hancock is crawling, or so he reckons, and is definitely creepy. So that’s a solid three out of three there. 

At least there is one final chance of redemption. Should Boris Johnson ever wangle his way back in to Number Ten, Hancock can look forward to a Lordship, which is the traditional reward for making an arse of yourself in public. 

Bank of England raises interest rates rather than admit UK is governed by idiots

TWELVE YEARS AND COUNTING THE COST : The Old Lady of Threadneedle Street has done her part again today to ensure strong and stable government by raising interest rates to 3%.

“While it’s clear a graduated return to more historically normal interest rates would be smarter,” a fictional Bank spokesman told LCD Views, “we prefer to place millions of mortgage holders in front of the fire and watch them sweat.”

The stated reason for the interest rate rise is an attempt to get a grip on the UK’s world leading inflation.

“People are engaging in a truly reckless credit splurge,” the spokesman said. “They’re spending on food, heating, transport and the like. Some are even buying their children clothes on credit. It’s incredibly irresponsible and we have to step in.”

The other reasons given are the Pandemic and the War. It’s obvious these are unhelpful, allied to the Chinese closure of its economy so the President there can enjoy moving over a billion people around like tiny pieces on his giant chessboard.

“There is of course one UK specific factor that is an accelerant on our inflation rates and assisting in slamming us into a very long recession.”

Which is?

“I’m not allowed to mention it.”

Go on.

“I can’t. It’s forbidden. Just head over to the BBC and read an article on the economy. You won’t find any mention of it.”

Why can’t you mention what you won’t mention?

“Because to do so would be to mention the massive scat cherry on top of a giant scat layer cake which is twelve years of bad policy choices.”

Can you give us a hint?

“You know which idiots have been in charge.”

No. I know that. I mean what is the massive scat cherry on top of twelve years of terrible Tory policies?

“You say it and I’ll blink once for yes and two for no.”

Brexit.

Blink and you’ll miss it. In compliant UK media articles and the political establishment. You can’t miss it in your household expenses.

OUTRAGE after English Channel renamed “English Chanel” on updated EU maps

THE TANGY SMELL OF SOVEREIGNTY : FURY IN 10 DOWNING STREET today after the TYRANNICAL EUROCRATS IN BRUSSELS took aim at ONE OF BRITAIN’S GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS.

The latest stink rising over relations between the SOVEREIGN UNITED KINGDOM and the FAILING, UNDEMOCRATIC SUPERSTATE is wafting up from an update to EU navigational maps.

“It just shows how they’ve still not resigned themselves to the British peoples’ democratic decision following the advice of a criminally corrupted, advisory referendum to make Nigel Farage’s fever dream reality,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views.

“Things will never improve for the European Union until they accept that we have left and bought ourselves a sports car. It’s just embarrassing how they follow around after us in that beaten up old station wagon with the kids screaming in the back. Have some self-respect.”

But responding to the even handed and self controlled criticism from the INVENTOR OF DEMOCRACY the EU were typically peevish.

“As far as we can discern you’ve used your sovereignty to fill the seas around your country with raw sewage. That’s the sum total of your achievements? Frankly it stinks. A little perfume centred joke on our part is the least of your concerns. Not to mention your attitude to refugees, which frankly stinks too, and that’s an understatement.”

It’s unclear yet what measures Downing Street will take over the latest cynical OUTRAGE from the Continent, but it’s believed the Home Office is drawing up plans to extend British sewage pipes all the way to France.

“That will show them who is boss,” the Downing Street spokesman chuckled, “when Nigel Farage moves his portaloo from our beaches onto the ones at Calais the EU will really know what they’ve lost.”

In the interim however the government will require mapmakers in the UK to update their charts to reflect the latest RED TAPE FROM BRUSSELS.

“English Chanel is like English Champagne,” the spokesman added, “who needs Europe?”

British man becomes overnight multi-millionaire after inventing the “BROCHIE!”

HIP BROTHER HIP : SOUTH LONDON is always on the map of stylish innovations for the men of today, and yesterday. From bear baiting circuses in the 16th Century, which made puffy trousers and pantyhose for men a must for any bloodsport crowd, to the pirate eye patch craze of the 1700’s, and all the way to the top knot of today. Now the epicentre of global cool has another notch in its Edwardian oak twist bedpost.

The reason for the latest rush of blood to the head is the BROCHIE!

The Brochie is a “beard scrunchie” – A new way for trendy, hirsute hipsters to style their beards. Or as the inventor of the Brochie, Carnival McKenzoo, explains “to fit a Brochie properly requires an experienced pair of hands”.

LCD Views visited Carnival at his West Bermondsey salon, Douching Dudes, to learn more.

For the interview Carnival’s PA, Collop – a retired circus performer who joined Douching Dudes when he became afraid of heights – seated us in one of the salon’s famous up-cycled 14th Century witch ducking stools. The scratch marks on the arms of the stool imbued it with old world mood and gave us a good idea of what to expect during our own up-styling session.

“I was worried that the beard was once again going out of style,” Carnival told us as we sipped a complimentary decaffeinated, lactose safe, substitute seaweed milk espresso.

And yes, Carnival was wearing one of his latest Brochies. This eye catching Brochie was made from army surplus razor wire wound fetchingly about a garter Carnival claims, “did time in, you know, ahhh, a French brothel before I bought it at an Amsterdam flea market from an unemployed lion tamer while looking for found objects to make my individual, handcrafted Brochies from”.

WOW! But how much does one of these bespoke Brochie’s cost?

“Oh, you know, how much does anything cost?” Carnival replied and then looked intensely serious as he fitted a welder’s glove and stroked his beard. “The gloves are extra man,” he added. “Unless like, your blood don’t flow brother.”

Right on!

But let’s get serious. Where have the millions come from?

“Smegtonic have bought the IP yeah to mass produce a line of identical Brochie’s made from standard scrunchy materials. Yeah. Everyone with a beard can have one. It’s so cool. Hey! Mind the monkey! It’s behind you!”

What? We spun around only to find Collop gigging in a corner on a pile of fresh fifty pound notes. When we looked back Carnival was RIGHT THERE with a Brochie in his hands.

“Made you look man,” he smiled. “Now just grip the arms of the stool yeah, and I’ll fit you right up with a live hand grenade Brochie. You’ll go off with this one. I found the grenade in the snow in Kazakhstan. It took way cool nerves to make the hole through the centre and seal it without you know, blowing up. Just don’t pull out the pin.”

Awesome.

So when will Smegtonic be hitting the stalls with its Brochies for the masses?

“Oh. By Black Friday. Yeah. They just need to raise some more venture capital to pay their manufacturers in Mexico. Right on. But they’ll do it. I trust them. I’ve had the downpayment and I’ve Whatsapp’d over the design. You just wait man. Your babe will know exactly what to get you for Christmas. Peace out.”

But we haven’t finished the interview?

“If the espresso is over so are we. PEACE. OUT. BROCHIE OUT MAN.”

WAY OUT. We left Douching Dudes with the grenade Brochie leading the way. We’ve never felt so primed with style.

*Smegtonic Brochies will retail for £99.99, subject to availability, shipping and exchange rate fluctuations. Advance orders can be made at their website. For one off bespoke Brochies just drop by Douching Dudes and have the “readies ready”. For people without beards artificial beards are required and can be ordered from Smegtonic – Smegtonic bringing venture capital and cool to your beard. Soon.

Tory Party told “You lost get over it”

REAL POLITICAL PARTIES DON’T LOOK BACK AT EXPLOSIONS : The UK’s governing Conservative and Unionist Party have been given a bit of welcome advice today, as they struggle to deal with the consequences of what they’ve done to themselves.

“You lost get over it!” is being shouted at the Cons by reality, but they’re not in a rush to get the message. In fact, they’re in a death roll with reality with many believing if they can just hold off a GE for long enough it will all come good.

“We can still come through,” a party member told LCD Views, as they warmed their hands over the bin fire that their Party now is. “Stand back a bit. You don’t want to get burned. Why are those opposition MPs coming over here with marshmallows on sticks?”

Happily for the beleaguered Tories they can see the problem.

“It’s our habit of choosing idiots to lead us,” the member admitted, “although we can’t just go and change the latest idiot for another again, as that will be like admitting we elected an idiot. I guess we’re all stuck with things as they are. If we just keep our heads down everything will magically get better.”

It’s true the Party is not completely without hope.

“We’ve got Hunt running the show now. You know him? Newsreaders can’t pronounce his name. Everyone is speculating that he’s been playing a long game to run the party. He waited out Johnson and now he’s back. And now he’s effectively in control. PM in all but name. That’s really clever.”

Intentional or not, how clever it is to take over the helm just as the entire ship of state has capsized and is rapidly sinking is a question for others to wonder over. We think it just underscores that he is also an idiot.

“We just have to believe in magic and it will be alright. We believed in magic with austerity and then with Brexit. We can believe in magic with Truss now. In a fight between reality and magic I know which side I’m on.”

The losing side. Oh well. Never mind.

Minister says people “shouldn’t wait to die” to release “equity from a kidney”

THE LORD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES : The UK’s latest Secretary of State, Lord Barrowball Furness, has taken steps today to advise “living and breathing Britons” on how best they can help themselves through the current cost of living crisis.

“The beatings will continue until moral improves,” Lord Furness of Spite told the media, and laughed disarmingly. “We here at the newly established Ministry of Economic Death want Britons to know that if you help yourself during the cost of living crisis we will help you. While we can’t shield you totally from the crisis caused by the next Labour government, we will do what we can in an era of necessary austerity.”

The help appears to be innovative too.

“We know some of you are sitting on two perfectly good kidneys. A fat liver. Two functioning lungs and so on. Two fine retinas. If you already have an organ donor card than you’ve made the psychological step required to prosper in Britannia Unchained.”

To this end the Ministry of Death is setting up a digital exchange where ordinary, hardworking Britons can “sell or barter spare organs”.

“There is no concern over the legality of the new measures. The organ exchanges will be based in Charter Cities and you can just hop on a rail replacement bus service and take yourself, and that profitable organ, to the nearest private hospital and get money on the nail. Your rising mortgage repayments will seem trivial next to the payment for a kidney. Just look after your health and the remaining one will see you through.”

To access the newest free market all you will need to do is download the app.

“Download Great British Organs today. Consider how you may profit personally and literally by giving a fellow patriot a helping hand. Wait. Did I say giving? I meant selling. This is what freedom is all about free of the shackles of the sclerotic EU. Sell yourself out today. I know I have and boy is it profitable.”

BREAKING : Liz Truss promises to “Save Christmas!”

THE MIDAS TOUCH : THE UK’S CURRENT PRIME MINISTER, LIZ TRUSS, WILL DEMONSTRATE SHE FULLY EMBODIES MODERN CONSERVATIVE PARTY VALUES WITH A SPEECH AT THE OPENING OF A MAJOR NEW, AND COMPLETELY IMAGINARY FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS ARTICLE, FOOD BANK.

The speech is aimed at reassuring hardworking voters that “Liz is on their side” and, will take place at the ribbon cutting ceremony of South-east Norfolks biggest food bank to date. The bank itself has been called the “Uplifting Food Bank” in a nod of thanks to Business Secretary Jacob Rees-mogg.

Saving Christmas has become a preoccupation for Conservative Prime Ministers in recent years, largely due to the fact they spend most of the year threatening it with terrible policy choices.

“Liz will tell the deserving poor, specially bussed in for the opening of Uplifting, that she is there to help,” a source inside No 10 told LCD Views. “She’s taking the time out of her business Instagram schedule to cut the ribbon herself. And yes the ribbon is red, white and blue.”

Why Christmas needs saving this year is painfully obvious.

“Many people will be looking at this Christmas soon and wondering how the hell they’ll afford it now their fixed rate mortgage has come up for renewal?” the source explains. “What with the additional costs of importing and exporting due to intransigence in Brussels and the last Labour government. The hangover from the pandemic. The energy price crisis and now Kwasi’s mortgage rate fiasco, it will look a little darker than usual. But rising interest rates in response to global shocks and flawed policy making is just sensible fiscal management. Otherwise you have to admit that all you’ve done in government since 2010 is fuck everything up to please a bunch of crazed ideologues. Ordinary Britons have got to pay their share to keep high profits. And yes, if that means borrowing billions to fund tax cuts for the wealthiest, so be it. It’s a price we’re willing for you to pay.”

Ms Truss’s Christmas saving will be completely aligned with how she’s begun her premiership.

“She’ll make sure no millionaire goes without this year,” the source beams. “Then Christmas will trickle down to the poor. You just wait and see. By Christmas 2024 everyone will be enjoying the leftovers of Christmas 2022. In this way we expect them to be inspired to become millionaires too.”

BREAKING : PM hires “master bullshitter” to do all future media rounds

BALSA WOOD PM : The UK’s least agile interviewee and most fragile PM, Liz Truss, has moved today to quell concerns over the blindingly obvious fact that she can’t interview to save herself, or her government.

“No one expected today to go well, if I’m honest. Bloody last Labour government!,” a backbench Tory MP told LCD Views. “By the way, there’s a reason I don’t have Conservative Party in my social media profiles. Only the team surrounding Truss in the Trunker thought having her actually talk would pour oil on trouble waters. She poured oil on alright, then threw on a lit match. Then stood there with a giant fan directing the gale force winds at the flames and clapped like a trained seal shown a very big fish.”

The catastrophic media round has at least forced the PM into a reaction much faster than destroying the UK economy did.

“The PM is too busy working out which tax cuts to gift to the wealthiest next to take time out to do anymore media rounds,” a source inside the Trunker told LCD Views. “For this reason a famous public figure has been approached to take Ms Truss’s place in all future slots. He will put a charming, bumbling, diverting face to the calamity. Just as he did between 2019-2022. If the people are entertained they won’t notice their house being repossessed.”

When queried why the new spokesman agreed to do it, the answer was obvious.

“He never wanted to do the actual job of PM. Look at how disastrous it is to try! He just wanted to wander about out pretending to be PM. The spokesman’s job is perfect for him. Liz has total faith he will have everyone laughing as they burn their dead pets for heating fuel this winter.”

“No one can take a joke these days” – UK Chancellor defends crashing UK economy

PENNY WISE : Kwasi Kwarteng, once only famous for laughing during the funeral of Queen Elizabeth II, has added another classic hit to his CV in the last week by singlehandedly crashing the economy of the United Kingdom.

The decision to hit the nuclear button with the missiles all squarely aimed at home was taken as a natural follow up to Brexit. Many had expected the seismic world events of recent years, namely the pandemic and the war of Russian aggression in Ukraine, to temper the zealotry of the Britannia Unchained squad, but many are often taken by surprise.

“You have to admire him really,” a source close to Mr Kwarteng told LCD Views. “All around the world the experts are being consulted over every little shift in economic policy. Not by Kwasi. He knows where he’s going and he’s going for it. Going, going, gone!”

When pressed to defend his amazing policy announcements Mr Kwarteng initially attempted to hide, but when cornered down a dead end alley he turned to face the press. He wasn’t cowed.

“I’m fed up with the woke braying of the IMF and even some in my own criminal gang, I mean political party,” Mr Kwarteng is reported as blurting. “It’s like no one can take a joke anymore? It’s hilarious to watch all those pension funds shitting their pants. We want them to go liquid. We need people to spend their pensions and consume or how stupid will the BOE’s interest rate rises look when younger, working people start losing their homes. Get a sense of humour people. You’ll feel better.”

When pressured to give details of exactly when he will U-turn on his policies Mr Kwarteng was less forthcoming.

“I think it’s best we wait until November,” he smirked, “and see what conditions the IMF attach to the emergency bail out of the UK economy. Don’t you? Let’s keep up a healthy sense of suspense over exactly what we’re up to until then. I wouldn’t be joking if I said I don’t even know myself.”