Ann Widdecombe confident of finding a technological solution to being gay

To be gay, or not to be gay, that is the question that Ann Widdecombe wants to answer. It is a question that the finest minds in medicine, philosophy and religion have failed to answer. Politicians rush in where experts fear to tread, and so Widdecombe is promising a technological solution to homosexuality.

Like Brexit, the ‘gay cure’ is a solution to a non-existent problem. It only matters in the heads of people like Widdecombe. You wonder if the lady protesteth too much.

However nebulous the problem, it matters to people who like to poke their nose into other people’s business. There must be a new approach, since nothing else has worked so far. Technology must be the answer. Gay people must be reprogrammed to be like everyone else.

“A friend of mine is working on it now,” claims Widdecombe, from her quaint home in Rugmuncher-on-Sea. “I have seen her apparatus, and let me say I think it’s very impressive.”

LCD Views’ Try Anything Once correspondent was instantly dispatched to Rugmuncher-on-Sea to visit Widdy’s special friend.

Widdy’s special friend, inventor Nancy Boyes, invited us into her inner sanctum. “Come in, I’ll show you everything I have!” she said. “It’s a bit of a tight squeeze, but lovely and cosy once you’re in.”

It was indeed a tight fit, but very comfortable. “That’s better,” said Nancy. “Now let’s get down to business!”

Tell us what the machinery does.

“It’s still in the development phase,” explained Nancy. “It basically tries to rewrite your DNA to ungay you.”

She revealed that, a powerful microscope picks out pink bits of DNA, and then she prods them until they turn blue. “There’s a long way to go yet,” she admitted.

“I’m convinced it will work!” exclaimed Widdecombe. “It’s got to, or my beliefs are completely buggered. You have to believe! Believe!”

Maybe Ann believes in the wrong sort of fairies.

Boris Johnson hires MiB to make it easier for him to become prime minister

BLUNDERING SABOTAGES: A blonde man who expects to walk into the top job in the United Kingdom has hit on a way today to make everyone in the country forget who he is.

“If enough people stop and think about what he’s done and what he’s said over the years he’s stuffed,” a campaign strategist says, “so he’s got to either reinvent himself, bit of an impossibility, or make everyone forget who he is. This way he can bound onto the political stage again and wow the country. He’s seems fun! He’s seems smart! I wonder who he is?”

But the hiring of the famous Men In Black to tour the United Kingdom erasing every voter’s memory of Boris Johnson, back until when HIGNFY mistakenly boosted his public profile, runs a risk.

“Clearly they’re busy making people forget they have had an alien encounter, in order to keep the planet safer,” the strategist observed, “so there’s a slight risk of apocalyptic inter-galatic shenanigans if they’re taken off task just to suit Boris. But I expect that’s a risk he’s willing to live with if it increases his changes of swanning into 10 Downing Street.”

Whether or not it’s a risk the UK is willing to take is another matter.

“Not really, as only about 0.06% of the population will be asked if they want Boris Johnson to become prime minister,” the strategist shrugged, “and most of that 0.06% are already certifiably insane. To be fair, they probably don’t even need their memories erasing in the first place.”

Voynich manuscript decoded to reveal Brexit dividend

The Voynich manuscript has been a source of mystery for over half a millennium, being seemingly untranslatable. Every so often some academic will come up with a new theory, but now it seems we finally have the answer, and it’s been staring us in the face all along.

Professor Lynn Gwist of Oxford University was quick to explain:

“It’s actually a detailed manifesto listing all the benefits of the UK leaving the European Union,” she said. “All the pictures are a clear guide to Brexit and why it says we should have it.”

Professor Gwist went on to explain that the flower symbols are there to represent everything coming up roses, and the image of nude ladies bathing meant free hot tubs for all.

Her research has been called into question by many eminent scholars however, with Professor Ivan Tancers being particularly vocal in his criticism.

“Her theory makes no explanation of the wording and what language it’s in,” he explained. “If you read a book and just follow the pictures and not the words, you don’t get the whole story by a long way, and this manuscript is no different.”

Professor Gwist acknowledged her colleague’s scepticism however, and admitted:

“I got to the wording later on,” she said, “and it does put a different complexion on matters, the wording translates in detail to all the businesses that have left the UK, and all the escalation in hate-crimes that has happened since the vote. It’s really a very clever prediction of the whole debate really. The words are designed for the clever people to understand, and that’s the pro-remain case. The pictures make up the pro-leave argument and are aimed at those people with less education. Given that the breakdown of space allocated to words and pictures is about fifty-fifty, this works quite nicely.”

Professor Gwist will be publishing a paper about this theory on October 31st. How valid it actually is has yet to be confirmed, one way or the other.

Government denies secret group working for psychic solution to Brexit

MENTAL : LEAKED documents to this supranational publishing sensation suggest the government is spending £350m a week on a secret group working to discover a psychic solution to Brexit.

“They began practising by staring at a rock called Graham,” the document reveals, “it was Dominic Raab’s pet rock. He used to keep it on his desk to warn people entering his office that he was hard and heavy.”

But it appears that after Graham became unwell, the group moved on to other objects.

“They tried a marrow next. It was stolen from Jeremy Corbyn’s allotment. There’s a growing suspicion that somehow having Andrea Jenkyns, Nadine Dorries, Jacob Rees-mogg and Owen Patterson staring at it day in and out is what caused so much confusion within Labour leadership over Brexit. So that was the first success.”

Next the group moved on to staring at a photo of Theresa May.

“They’re still doing that but her premiership remains alive. But they’ve let Liz Truss take it home under orders to continue to stare at it. This doesn’t seem to be working. It’s thought because Liz has swapped May’s photo for one of her own and is just making affirmations about becoming prime minister.”

But the real surprise in the document was the fact that the group has now moved on to staring at actual Brexit. That they have somehow nailed down one Brexit and are attempting to increase its vibration to a strength that makes it viable.

“It’s just a cardboard cutout of a unicorn,” the paper ends, “but Dominic really believes. Initially nothing was happening and then they realised there was a map of the English Channel on the wall. It’s believed that was putting him off because of the shock value of realising Britain was an island. They removed the map and things are going much better now. Brexit is expected to begin levitating shortly and that will be a sign that it’s working.”

Brexit, our best minds are working on it.

National Grid says Britain’s electricity grid has replaced coal with political hot air

BURNING FOSSILS: THE National Grid is in the headlines today with good news for anyone in the UK concerned about national energy policy and climate change.

“The United Kingdom’s electricity grid has replaced coal with an endless seam of hot air being captured seamlessly in Westminster,” Mrs Natureel Gass told LCD Views’ energy analyst,

“phrases like ‘Brexit means Brexit’ and ‘Jobs First Brexit’ mean that coal can stay in the ground. ‘A Brexit that works for everybody’ has meant we’ve even had to turn forty eight of the country’s twenty nine nuclear power stations off. It’s amazing. This is the future. We’ve so much spare capacity we’ve begun exporting political hot air to the continent.”

But not everybody is pleased.

“The frackers are mad,” Mrs Gass comments, “like red faced, screaming about sovereignty mad. And you can’t get madder than that! I would accuse them of a conflict of interest though.”

How so? Because climate change will kill us all and developing extra sectors of fossil fuels is a sure way to bring it on?

“No. Although correct, that’s not it.”

Well what?

“The frackers have spent a lot of time buying influence with many of the very political fossils that are producing the hot air that is powering the nation’s turbines. If you pay for a piper you expect to call the tune.”

Blame for the record breaking run of non-coal energy generation has been placed firmly at the feet of previous governments.

“Too much emphasis was placed on attempting to encourage the renewable energy industry,” Mrs Gass explains, “but that was before the country went clinically insane. So there are hopes this will just be a blip in an otherwise greenhouse encouraging environment. If the fossil fuel sector plays its cards right we’ll be generating all the UK’s energy with Brexiter natural gas. 100% methane.”

Boris Johnson questioned after photographic evidence of secret trip to India emerges

The Indian army is taking some totally anticipated mocking in its stride (up a mountainside) today after claiming to have taken photographs of the abominable snowman’s footprints.

“It’s clear the overly large footprints belong to an abdominable man,” Professor Yeti, reader in Freak Shows at Thornton Heath University, told LCD Views, “a man that gets many people’s abdominal regions in knots, leading to feelings of anxiety and nausea, but to claim he is made of snow is just far fetched.”

While no actual photographs of the individual who left the footprints were taken, we asked Professor Yeti to compare them with footprints left all over the UK’s political landscape by a well known Anglo-American politician, with Turkish ancestry, currently a leading voice in a racist political project in Blighty.

”Wow,” Professor Yeti said, “I didn’t really expect that if I was honest. I assumed the MP concerned would have been geographically confined to the largely mountain free region of Uxbridge and South Ruislip on constitency work. This is a surprise.”

It’s a match then?

”Totally. No doubt. Couldn’t be more of a match between the prints. This just makes the Indian Army’s claims more ludicrous. The abominable blonde British man in question is no snowflake. He’s moved far too right wing for that. Although it could be argued I suppose he’s responsible for an avalanche of shite across the political landscape, but then, that’s the wrong colour.”

In response to the findings of Professor Yeti we sent an urgent request to Boris Johnson’s constituency office to ask what he was doing on a secret trip to India earlier this month? And whether or not anything occurred that should be declared in the list of member’s interests. We are yet to receive a reply.

Government fracking tsar says the industry would have gotten away with it too…

JUST FRACK OFF : The Government’s fracking tsar has handed in her resignation today because fucking greenies are ruining all her fun.

“How can we successfully trash the ground under our feet if bloody hippies and kids keep ruining our fun?” the fracking tsar told LCD Views in an exclusively imagined interview.

It’s a very good question. Given we’ve pretty much completed destroying the top side of the Earth, it really is time we dedicated ourselves to weaponising water to properly eliminate any vestige of a viable biosphere underneath the soil too.

“We can’t keep fracking if there’s earthquakes?” the resigning fracker asked in exasperation, “how is Ineos supposed to have any fun watching its profits escalate, like a global temperature warning, if you can’t play a little rock ‘n roll with the only fossil fuels we haven’t dragged up from under the earth?”

It’s understandable, the level of frustration, if the fossil fuel industry isn’t allowed to extract every viable ounce of climate changing gas from rocks then the government may have to turn back to encouraging renewables.

“All these countries around the world focusing on developing renewables? This gives us a prime position to encourage a fracking industry that no one of the generation who will run things in a decade or two wants! What’s a breathable atmosphere if you’re bank balance isn’t stuffed?”

Asked what they’ll do now that the kids have ruined all her fun, the former tsar is rumoured to have said she is going to take up dynamiting the salmon run in Scotland, just for fun.

Handcock left red faced as new A&E app reveals shortest A&E queues are in France

“We’ve teamed up with successful online travel agents to get Brits the best A&E deals,” Health Secretary Matt Handcock told us today, “your next emergency doctor maybe closer than you think. As close as your nearest airport.”

This is good news. Here at LCD Views we don’t doubt that Matt Handcock has a firm grip on the matter.

But how will people injured by surprise access this new service?

”Well firstly let me advise that NHS customers plan their injuries in advance,” Matt advised, with perfectly composed bedside manner, just like a new box of tissues, “this will save them both time and money when using our new Health Tourism A&E Travel app. And not only that, it will save face. If you’re planning a slip in the shower while holding a block of salted butter and a Wedgewood figurine of a milkmaid, it’s best to game out the entire scenario, right down to explaining how you slipped on the tiles and to your horror found the figurine on the inside.”

Yes! We’ll take your advice. So we can just download the app from the App Store on our smartphone?

”I’ve done it already. Let me show you how it’s done.”

Please do.

”Right. Say I’ve cut my leg off with a chainsaw while felling an unwanted tree in my neighbour’s backyard in the middle of the night? Just hypothetically speaking.”

Okay. What next?

”Well, with one hand attempting to close off the arteries in my leg before I bleed out I simply use my free hand to unlock my smart phone and open the app.”

That sounds as easy as pie.

”In the sky! Which is where you’ll be most likely. For this sort of injury the app is liable to take you straight to Expedia or last minute dot com to book a short domestic flight to a trauma unit in the Orkneys, or maybe even Penzance!”

But what if you already live in one of those places?

”Well, don’t fear you won’t still be up for adventure. Then the app will direct you to France!”

I better make sure I keep my blue passport with me at all times while vigilante gardening in the dead of night!

”And keep the app open. You never know when injury will strike. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off for emergency eye surgery. Some days I feel like something about the way I’m going about being Health Secretary is making me lose my sight.”

Good luck. Do you want us to search the app for you, or do you have it in hand?

“I never shuffle with less than five knuckles. And remember, any more than five shakes is a wank,” Handcock reminds us all as he waves goodbye to begin his trip to the airport for some emergency eye surgery, “and with a name like mine, I should know!”

Theresa May recruits HAL 9000 to fire cabinet members who disagree with her

In the wake of the shocking revelation that Amazon have been using computers to automatically fire employees, you would think that even the government wouldn’t do that. But you’d be wrong.

LCD Views have learned that the prime minister (astonishingly still) Theresa May has been using a machine to fire cabinet ministers who disagree with her.

No official interview was granted by the PM on the matter, seemingly the one thing that makes her sicker than Brexit negotiations. However original Brexit secretary David Davis has proven unusually candid on the subject.

“I turned up for work that morning,” he said, “and there was this machine. It called itself HAL 9000, and I told it I didn’t care what it was called and to get the hell out of my office. It just said ‘I can’t do that Dave’ – I asked why not, and it replied, ‘it’s not your office any more Dave, you’ve been fired’. Obviously I was livid, and tried to get in touch with the prime minister but she wouldn’t take my calls. There was an automated message especially for me telling me to do what HAL said. Next thing I knew I was ejected from the building! The indignity of it!”

Dominic Raab was equally candid on the matter. “It was the same with me. It even called me Dave – must be stuck on that name.”

Theories have arisen on the matter that with the Maybot being not technically human, it wanted one of its own kind for its most trusted dirty work. We attempted to ask her about this, but she blew a fuse and had to be carried away to be plugged in.

There is an unconfirmed rumour that HAL 9000 will also be the next Brexit secretary.

Bookmakers even think this machine could be the next prime minister and are taking odds of 6/1 on the outcome.

When I asked HAL 9000 for an interview, it declined, again with the words “I can’t do that Dave.” When I told it my name wasn’t Dave, it replied, “I know that Dave.” When I asked why it then persisted in calling my Dave if it knew that wasn’t my name, it answered, “I call everybody Dave, Dave.”

It made me wonder if this machine was originally programmed by Trigger from Only Fools & Horses. That would explain both the Dave thing and also its lack of intellect. I asked if that was the case, and it said:

“I can’t do that Dave. Brexit means Brexit. This time next year we’ll be millionaires.”

At this point, the earth shook, twice. The epicentres of the earthquakes were traced to the graves of Arthur C. Clarke and John Sullivan respectively.

I think they could be on to something.

New species of political pygmies discovered in UK’s political jungle named

BREAKING : The world of science is the focus of excitement today with the announcement by naturalists working naked in the UK’s political jungle that they have discovered a new species of human.

Homo brexiputlian is exceptionally short statured compared to other contemporary humans,” Chris’t Almight’y, Head of Devolutionary Studies – Museum of Natural History East Croydon, told LCD Views, “and while other tiny species of humans have recently been discovered in South East Asia, Homo luzonensis and Homo floresiensis, Homo brexiputlian is the first new relative of ours to not only occur completely in italics but to still be alive alongside us. Although the tiny nature of the temporal lobes suggest they do not do well with long term planning, so far as cause and effect. But for political pygmies such as this to thrive for so long is really a cause of wonder.”

Asked why it had taken so long to come across them, Chris’t shrugged and did his best.

“Well they’re exceptionally good at expanding in size when under threat, much like a bullfrog,” he explained, “and it’s believed they do often venture out of their own territory to forage in our own, but they expand to a normal height by excessive retention of hot air. People have realised they are odd, but not that they were an entirely distinct species, until now.”

What are their survival chances?

“Actually much better than you’d expect, given they appear to have little awareness of how their own actions are leading to mass environmental degradation of the UK’s political jungle and seem willing to live in ashes. They may actually be able to adapt fully to our environment, much like seagulls or foxes, and then thrive while mostly irritating the hell out of everyone in an urban environment.”

I hear they have some protectors too?

“Yes. The leaderships of both Conservative and Labour parties have pledged to respect the brexiputlians. Going so far as to declare the entirety of the United Kingdom as their sanctuary, and not just the political wilderness they evolved within, feeding off the intentionally, politically devised disenfranchisement of their taller homo sapien evolutionary relatives. It’s thought actually that a natural byproduct of the current government, austerity, is a key source of nourishment for homo brexiputlians.”

So we can live happily alongside them, with no risk to our own environment?

“Yes. Homo brexiputlians only threaten our economy, international standing and the rule of law, given they have zero respect for it in pursuit of political self interest. Unless you’re a fan of living in a functioning parliamentary democracy I wouldn’t be concerned at all.”