To be gay, or not to be gay, that is the question that Ann Widdecombe wants to answer. It is a question that the finest minds in medicine, philosophy and religion have failed to answer. Politicians rush in where experts fear to tread, and so Widdecombe is promising a technological solution to homosexuality.
Like Brexit, the ‘gay cure’ is a solution to a non-existent problem. It only matters in the heads of people like Widdecombe. You wonder if the lady protesteth too much.
However nebulous the problem, it matters to people who like to poke their nose into other people’s business. There must be a new approach, since nothing else has worked so far. Technology must be the answer. Gay people must be reprogrammed to be like everyone else.
“A friend of mine is working on it now,” claims Widdecombe, from her quaint home in Rugmuncher-on-Sea. “I have seen her apparatus, and let me say I think it’s very impressive.”
LCD Views’ Try Anything Once correspondent was instantly dispatched to Rugmuncher-on-Sea to visit Widdy’s special friend.
Widdy’s special friend, inventor Nancy Boyes, invited us into her inner sanctum. “Come in, I’ll show you everything I have!” she said. “It’s a bit of a tight squeeze, but lovely and cosy once you’re in.”
It was indeed a tight fit, but very comfortable. “That’s better,” said Nancy. “Now let’s get down to business!”
Tell us what the machinery does.
“It’s still in the development phase,” explained Nancy. “It basically tries to rewrite your DNA to ungay you.”
She revealed that, a powerful microscope picks out pink bits of DNA, and then she prods them until they turn blue. “There’s a long way to go yet,” she admitted.
“I’m convinced it will work!” exclaimed Widdecombe. “It’s got to, or my beliefs are completely buggered. You have to believe! Believe!”
Maybe Ann believes in the wrong sort of fairies.