Michael Gove pressured to explain where he’s been all week

MIA : Tory leadership contender and all round pond life heavyweight, Michael Gove, is facing pressure to explain where he’s been all week.

”He definitely hasn’t been in hiding waiting for the class A scandal to blow over. He’s must have been spending time working on himself,” a source claiming to speak from beyond the grave, I mean, inside Michael Gove’s campaign, told LCD Views.

“He went on a seriously damaging bender after Dominic Raab (so the rumour mill says anyway) spooked him into confessing to having used cocaine. I mean to be stitched up by Boris would be one thing, but to be outmanoeuvred by head timber Raab? That’s some damage to the self esteem. There’s a lot of crying into the mirror at 4am, while completely off your tits, to recover from that.”

How much damage isn’t clear, although a reported shortage of white powder in London during the week would suggest a lot.

”He’s not yet ready to take the twelve steps. But he is determined to be a better Gove. Quite what that is is anyone’s guess.”

It’s likely we will find out soon though with the Tory leadership debates scheduled to start Sunday evening.

”Television cameras are being set up inside a South London crack den for the event in the hope of making all the competitors feel right at home. Like they’re on a dirty night out that ought to end with a bit of rough and track marks.”

Somewhere like the Priory would surely have been more suitable?

Although it may give one or two of the individuals pegged down for the debate too much of a home field advantage.

Boris Johnson launches Tory leadership bid with bunga bunga party

GOOD TIMES FOR ALL : Boris Johnson MP has launched his Conservative Party leadership bid today by throwing a bunga bunga party at a secret London address.

We spoke to one of the attendees to find out how it went.

“It’s still going on!” our source said, “it took me a little while to work out what was so strange about the girls in bikinis bouncing about the heated, indoor pool, and then I realised they’re all blondes!”

It’s believed the choice of a bunga bunga party to launch his bid was because it was most fitting of the kind of prime minister Boris Johnson promises to be.

“Everyone thinks he models himself on a fictional version of Churchill, and does a really shit job at it, but he’s probably really Britain’s Berlusconi! Given the chance.”

And it seems the party was, and still is, action packed.

“It’s not just blondes in skimpy gear,” our source reports, “the pool is filled with actual English sparkling wine! And there’s giant lego blocks. Tory MPs can sit back in their budgie-smugglers with a cigar and tell the girls to build things.”

Bridges are apparently the most popular choice, in honour of Mr Johnson’s famous fetish for proposing bridge designs.

“So he’s off the a rip roaring start. Deals are being done over canapes even as I speak. I haven’t seen any suspicious white powders though. It could be because the pool area is so wet, or just the general high moral character of the candidate preventing their use. It’s probably that.”

And has Boris made a speech yet?

“He’s too busy building a bridge. But he does randomly shout out tax promises for high earners.”

Where is he building his next bridge to?

“Nowhere. At least that’s what we hope! I’ve got to go. We’re about to play pin the tail on the donkey. One of the girls has just started chasing Boris about with the tail! It’s hilarious, for those of us invited. It’s great party and fair to say, just a little taste of what Boris as PM will bring.”

He’s started as he means to go on.

“I paid tax once” – Tory leadership contender confesses to youthful error

FELL IN WITH A BAD CROWD: Today seems to be the day for Tory contenders for the premiership to air their dirty laundry, before someone else does.

Leadsom said she’s on Meth, or something, Raab drinks the blood of virgins or similar, Gove is Pablo Escobar, McVey is addicted to the tears of the poor, Boris smokes crack, but only with hookers when on holiday, we think that’s what he said, we maybe wrong, and now Jeremy Hunt is fessing up.

”When I saw Rory Stewart’s confession to video that all his walking is because he’s actually a drug mule for a Russian organised crime syndicate, moving gear from major towns to small, I knew it was time to come clean,” Jeremy Hunt is imagined as saying,

“so I am going to open my own cupboard and just let that horrible skeleton fall out. This way it won’t trip me up later in the campaign. I want it understood too that we didn’t all agree that Saturday was confession day. It’s just turned out that way.”

All well and good, but where’s the confession?

”I hope that my supporters, and voters in general, will appreciate I was young at the time. Like many young people I temporarily fell in with a bad crowd and my behaviour was influenced, briefly.”

Did he shoot up? Did he make hash cakes maybe and feed them to old ladies?

”Clearly we all need a second chance, say when you forget to declare half a dozen luxury flats on the member’s list of interests. Funny how no amount of wrongdoing gets you in actual trouble as an MP. It’s a very good system in terms of instant redemption.”

Just confess already.

”Anyway, here is it is, this is what I did, and I’m terribly sorry and I’ve regretted it ever since. In my youth I paid tax once. I’m sorry. Ever since I’ve done all I can to stop it happening again. And to help other Tories avoid the same traps.”

Historians agree to replace years 2016-2020 in books with cute cat pictures

ROLLING BACK THE YEARS : Historians have agreed today to replace the seismic years 2016-2020 in future history books with cute cat pictures, and maybe a puppy or two.

The decision was made at a meeting convened by the secret order that secretly runs the world.

The order summoned a collection of world famous historians to ask how the years concerned should be recorded for prosperity once 2020 has come, and hopefully gone.

”The focus is on Western history,” Professor Bede said, speaking of the conclusion, after the historic conflab,

“anyone else can write what they like, even if we’d like to stop them. but there is no way in hell we want future generations looking back on Brexit, Trump and lethargy about climate change and knowing we were just like, well, mostly sat with our thumbs up our asses, by majority, while our politicians and media focused more on ideological daydreams and less on stopping the growth of government by idiocracy.”

Whether or not the plan will be successful will be for future generations to judge, but it’s thought it’s worth a red hot try.

”I personally would have chosen lamas grinning and maybe root vegetables shaped like willies,” Professor added, “but we had a vote and 52% voted for the cat pictures. And that’s a magic number with any decision making progress nowadays, so there we go.”

Why the secret world order decided on the action was clear.

”They’ve screwed the pooch. Everything has gone too far. They need the slate cleaned and cats put in the place of the actual history.”

It’s not yet certain what the history books for 2016-2020 will be called but, History McHistoryface is thought to be a top contender.

2016-2020, we didn’t do anything dumb, we just looked at cats.

Entire Conservative government to be prosecuted for misconduct in public office

BIRD OF PREY : Legal eagles are circling over the entire Conservative government today with the news that the British people have raised enough money to prosecute the lot of them.

”The vultures are circling too, waiting for the eagles to bring the beast to ground,” our democratic process correspondent reports, “ambulance chasers for once are welcome with their calls of ‘Have you been missold a strong and stable government?’. It’s pay day.”

The decision to prosecute the lot of them for misconduct in public office was taken after a cursory examination of their record in office.

”Can anyone honestly claim this shower has put the wealth and welfare of the country first? Served the people’s best interests with their judgement and with care? Or actually operated a Ponzi scheme with the country’s wealth while feasting on the poorest and being grossly negligent in office?”

The decision to continue to pursue Brexit, in spite of the mass of evidence of illegal activity, the proof and finding of it, alongside the foreign interference, dark money manipulation of the voters, international humiliation, emboldening of racists, risk to peace in NI, broken promises and industrial scale misrepresentation of treaties and international obligations by elected officials, is believed to have been the tipping point.

But responding for the government a random Tory MP chorused back, on the same talking points as their close chums in the press.

”We’re Conservatives. This means we’re above the law. It’s one rule for us and one for the rabble. You won’t get away with this. If we can’t tell bald faced lies endlessly it threatens our entire modus operandi. This is an issue of free speech! Speech without responsibility.”

And Labour is warned not to chuckle at the news. Even now a civil prosecution is being considered under the Trades Descriptions Act.

The prosecution of the entire government  is expected to begin imminiently, unless it suddenly becomes possible to do it at the ballot box. And even then, given how deep the stench of rot is, it is likely to continue thereafter.

Wetherspoons added to list proscribed organisations due to fears of radicalisation of drinkers

BLATHERED: The Home Office is rumoured to be planning to add the extremist pub chain, Wetherspoons, to the list of proscribed organisations as soon as happy hour today, over increasing fears of the radicalisation of drinkers.

“The literature provided inside the pubs is especially alarming,” an anti-radicalisation officer told us today, “people are lured in with the promise of cheap booze, and they get that, and things that look like food, but along with that comes literature best described as religious based zealotry. Oh, and complete fantasy.”

But the literature is not the only cause of alarm, as patrons often find themselves treated to unexpected sermons from the Mad Preacher of Beer.

“Often lay preachers work the room, talking to susceptible people about the promise of utopia, just so long as they believe hard enough in WTO rules,” the officer explains, “but now and then the high priest of bullshit himself will corner them and breathe the stale air of a bitter doctrine over them until they collapse into a coma. When they awaken they are radicalised.”

The CEO of the chain was unavailable for comment. This is curious. For years he’s been all over the shop talking complete bollocks to anyone who will broadcast it.

“He maybe dealing with how to restructure a business built on cheap labour and cheap imports, but which he decided the future of was best served with a purely bullshit based business strategy? It’s not clear. He could of course be writing more chapter and verse for the Brexit Bible.”

At the time of writing it is understood that a new series of beer mats is being planned to explain how German carmakers and Italian wine producers will shortly bash down the door of the Home Office and demand the pub chain be taken off the list.

But how to de-radicalise the drinkers?

“Clean carpet. Fizzy beer. Food that is actually food is only a start. Learning how to not blame foreigners for every screw up in your personal journey in life is going to take a lot longer to achieve. And for the sizeable number of people that understandably just appreciate a cheap pint and a meal, it’s hoped a new church can be founded with a new testament to guide it.”

Hugo Boss launch new range of milkshake camo uniforms, oops, we mean suits

YOU CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT A MAN : Hugo Boss has announced today the launch of a new range of milkshake camo uniforms, Christ, sorry, we mean suits.

“I need to correct you there,” our fashion correspondent interrupted, “it’s just a rumour. We can’t say they have. They are said to be about to launch the new range to capitalise on the theme of modern political campaigning in the UK.”

The theme the famous suit maker is looking to get in on is more of a trend, namely to throw milkshakes over racists while they’re on the campaign trail.

“These new milk patterned camouflage suits will allow your modern fascist to continue to campaign even if they’ve been turned into a laughing stock on the street,” our correspondent adds,

“no need to go and hide in your campaign bus while shouting for a fresh set of threads. Just leave a milky trail behind you and keep on shouting about foreigners all day long. Well, until the smell of spoiled, spilt milk kicks in.”

That could perhaps be an opening for a perfumer? Along the same lines.

“The smell…the smell of milk? Yes. The suits themselves will be woven from the purest teflon and plastic.”

Plastic patriots in plastic suits? That’s nice.

But what about people who say throwing milky beverages over the far right is coarsening the public debate?

“I’d say those people aren’t paying attention to what the far right has done to the public debate. The trend to milkshake is a symptom of the mainstream politicians failure to combat the forces of hatred, and even the willingness of many high profile politicians to attempt to profit politically off the agendas being promoted.”

So the milkshake throwing is the fault of Westminster?

“It’s a point of discussion. But don’t ask me, I just deal in fashion, of that I’m a dedicated follower.”

If the suit fits…

“Wear it! We hear Farage and chums will be virtually invisible once they’ve donned them.”

Which is just the way we’d like them.

Farage buys second hand ‘Popemobile’ to campaign in after savage milkshake attack

SPLASH BACK: The Brexit Party’s (not a party, but a company) traumatised owner, Nigel Fartage, is back on the campaign trail today after the overnight purchase of a second hand ‘Popemobile’.

“We’re not certain if he bought the vehicle on Gumtree, Ebay, Popetrader or another site popular for offloading surplus items, or which monetary currency he used to paid for it,” our dairy analyst says, “but he’s got himself a second hand Popemobile and is back on the road.”

The purchase of the fully covered vehicle is believed to be in response to the savaging he received the other day by a wild man with a milkshake.

“Clearly Farage did nothing to provoke the brutal assault with a lactose bearing liquid,” our analyst adds,

“other than front a campaign founded on deliberate misrepresentation with posters mimicking WW2 fascist propaganda. But apart from that, we can’t think of anything he’s done to cause a lowering of civility,

“Well, except for shouting traitors and betrayal constantly, getting routinely done for abuse of expense systems, and doing everything he can to denigrate the institutions that a democracy needs to function and survive. So he’s essentially blameless.”

It’s hoped if he just hides inside his new armoured vehicle, happily milk colour to blend in with his preferred surroundings, he’ll be able to promote his manifesto less bollocks without further dry cleaning bills.

“We expect the other candidates for his limited company will also be riding inside, and perhaps even the UKIP ones,” our analyst says, “so perhaps we’ll finally get an answer to the age old question of exactly how many fascists can you fit in a fully armoured mini?”

Monster in Thames says it’s there to celebrate if Boris Johnson becomes prime minister

DEMOLITION SQUAD : LCD Views has heard today from a giant sea monster in the Thames, currently just hanging about next to Westminster.

The monster first appeared last week, horned head rising slowly out of the water, coincidentally at the same time as the Tory press started bigging up Johnson’s chances of replacing Theresa May in the looming Conservative Party leadership contest.

”Oh, it’s no coincidence,” the giant sea monster says, “that’s why I’m here.”

Have you come to vote in the contest? Are you a Tory Party monster?

”I’m not that old!” the eternal, avenging force of nature scoffed, “and I suspect, if I were to enter politics in an ongoing, professional capacity it would probably be as an indepdent.”

But you’re a supporter of Johnson?

”It’s no wonder the human world is just begging for it,” the monster replied, “did you prepare these questions in advance or are you just making them up on the hoof?”

So you’re not a supporter of Johnson.

(pained silence)

”No. I. Am. Not.”

Dominic Raab then?

”OMG! He only just worked out he lives on an island.”

The guy with too many kitchens? Liz Truss? Javid? Davis? Hunt? Gove?

”The list of talents goes some distance doesn’t it.”

You better just tell us.

”None of the above.”

Then why are you here?

”To level the place. I would have thought that obvious. Restore balance.”

Oh. Of course. Giant sea monster thank you for your time.

”I would like to say my pleasure, but I won’t. You remember that sentiment when I’m using the Elizabeth Tower as a cricket bat. Ah, the knock of masonry on timber.”

Nigel Farage hospitalised after eating contaminated sausage

HEALTH AND SAFETY GONE SANE : THE EU’S FAMOUS food hygiene regime, forced tyrannically upon member states to stop people becoming ill and dying in droves, is under scrutiny today after a high profile food poisoning incident in a Yeovil park.

“Shortly before 8pm last night an ambulance was called to a green space in Yeovil where the Brexit Party were holding a sausage sizzle to raise money, in order to give their funding a veneer of normality,” a spokesman for Yeovil CID told LCD Views, “it appears a middle aged man of the people, it seems entirely funded by curiously funded millionaires, was taken ill after consumption of a suspicious sausage.”

The man in question is rumoured to be none other than Nigel Farage.

“As the individual concerned buckled at the knees and began to vomit violently across the grass a sharp eyed supporter noticed something badly amiss with the sausage he had consumed. At this stage a companion piece of meat was still on the bbq.”

Immediately terrified attendees cordoned off the BBQ to ensure the evidence was not spoiled by being eaten.

“An ambulance service arrived quickly, so too the local police,” the spokesman continues, “the man, at this stage it is said already lapsing into a coma, was reluctantly taken to the Yeovil accident and emergency department. Police slowly summoned forensics officers who bagged and tagged the suspiciously foreign looking sausage.”

The ill man’s stomach was belatedly pumped and treatment is ongoing.

“At this moment the man is receiving heavy doses of toad in the hole in the hope of reversing the effects of the toxic, Euro symbol shaped sausage.”

We heard further from a red faced man who attended the sausage sizzle.

“When they bussed me in they told me I’d get to meet Nigel,” Mr A Gammon of Gammon-on-gammon told LCD Views, “but no sooner had I arrived after shouting traitor for an hour at a house with an EU flag in the window, then I saw him just go down. They told me the sausages were safe to eat. They told me I wouldn’t get hurt. This is why we have to leave the EU on WTO terms immediately, before anyone else is attacked by the fifth columnist insurgents working to undermine the will of the people.”

After a heavy intake of breath the man added,

“The Brexit Party should go back to just receiving thousands of small donations daily through Paypal from overseas backers,” he added, “heaven help it if I’d eaten some tainted meat. I’d never live it down. Or keep it down for that matter.”

At this point we’d normally say ‘oh the humanity’, but that wouldn’t be appropriate in this case.