Category: Really fake news

NOT TO BE SNIFFED AT: There is no evidence of a shortage of drugs, claimed Minister for White Lines, Michael Gove. If anything, Brexit has made the normal supply lines more effective. 

Gove certainly has a nose for these matters. His finger is on the erratic pulse. His bloodshot eye is on the ball as he sniffs out trouble. There is no need for panic, he says. 

Gove was a little late to this morning’s press briefing, finally putting in an appearance at half past two. 

“I’m SO SORRY for being LATE,” he grumbled sarcastically, like a sulky teenage girl, and putting the final word into air quotes. “I’ve, erm, been on a bender.” 

Since his notorious split from the Daily Mail’s star harridan, Sarah Vine, nobody doubted this at all. 

“No but seriously,” he pleaded, swaying conspicuously, and struggling to focus. “Seriously, my experience is that white lines… no… county lines… no… supply lines… yes! Still got it!… erm… yeah, word on the street is that drugs are reaching our shore faster than ever before. Brexit had made this possible! Who’s a good boy, then? Who’s a good boy?”

Pressed on why this should be so, Gove brightened up. 

“It’s levelling up!” he claimed. “Given trade a shot in the arm. You have to get the baking tray level, Fanny Cradock, or everything falls off. I mean, controlling our borders. Makes everything easier. No checks, no customs, no income tax, no VAT! Ship the drugs direct to where they are needed, and cut out the middleman! Och aye the noo, wee Jimmy, keep your stash in your wee sporran, and awa’ wi’ ye!”

So well the NHS gain from this tangible benefit of Brexit? 

“The NHS? Nobody mentioned the NHS! What’s the NHS got to do with it?” he spluttered. “Excuse me, I need to powder my nose.” 

SEEING IS BELIEVING : The Tory MP knee deep in the House of Commons porn scandal has attempted to bed down and take the punishment today, as if it’s something he needs.

Speaking to the press he also attempted to shaft the obvious jokers ready to use the standard Little Britain meme to ridicule his not so private viewings.

“I’ve decided to talk to you from my garden, with plainly farcical excuses and reference to my family so that the memes fall flat when they hit social media,” it was alleged Neil Parish MP told reporters. “Or maybe I saw the famous comedy episode as a ‘How To’ guide? Porn scandals for dummies, if you like.”

The MP went on to talk in greater length about being caught watching porn by his female colleagues.

While we did not have a reporter present, we were able to fabricate what he went on to say.

“Look, it was either an honest mistake that is being used by my political enemies to destroy me or I was sitting there red faced with bunched fists murmuring YES! YES! YES! The inquiry will establish which it is. But I have at least helped distract the public from not only Partygate but also the appallingly undemocratic laws passed by Mr Johnson’s government this week. I expect he’s very grateful to me. He has a large enough majority. He can afford to throw me to the wolves.”

Asked how he happened to open the pornographic link in ignorance he explained,

“I always open text messages sent by the PM immediately,” before pausing and asking, “Sorry, what was the last question again? I was momentarily distracted by a pair of legs.”

IT’S THERE IN BLACK AND WHITE : The UK Government is said to be feeling exceptionally pleased with itself today after it snuck through a new law banning colour televisions while everyone was distracted by waiting for the Sue Gray report.

The ban will be phased in over the next two years with the poorest households in the UK forced to exchange their colour televisions for black and white ones to really get a full feel for the “1970’s style inflation, recession and cost of living crisis” that Mr Johnson’s administration is overseeing.

The ban will move up the household wealth level steadily, although it will be capped at households with an average annual income of over £200,000. The cap is to help reinforce the work of Brexit in taking every day luxuries out of the grasp of middle to low income earners and making them once again the preserve of the rich.

“The Monochrome Law will ensure that just like champagne and tomatoes the little day to day signifiers of change and progress are abolished,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “It’s hard to overemphasise the pain individuals like Mr Johnson experienced growing up and seeing the undeserving classes experience the same inherent liberties as himself. Can you imagine being told you’re the special one all through your childhood only to find some common pleb wandering through the immigration gates at Brussels with freedom of movement just like yourself? It was very harmful. But we’re now putting everyone back in their places. The banning of colour tv is just the latest step backwards for Blighty!”

But internal Tory critics of the new law did force the government into one concession.

“There is a concern that the removal of colour from the lives of Red Wall voters could see some return to Labour. For this reason it will still be possible for people who chose the wrong accident of birth to rent a colour television overnight to watch national festivities such as the Festival of Brexit. These televisions will be available at affordable rates from approved dealers.”

The dealers will be expected to prove a pre-existing relationship with a Conservative MP to be granted licences to “temporarily rent” TV’s to “low food chain strivers” at competitive rates.

“Going backwards to go backwards,” the source adds, “that’s our reason to get up in the morning. Oh, and to lord it over the poor to make ourselves feel good. I’m personally looking forward to downstreaming the food riots on my colour LCD TV.”

PARTY LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW : THE UK’S LAW BREAKING PRIME MINISTER, BORIS JOHNSON, is to appear on a set of new postage stamps to be (forcibly) issued by the Royal Mail, an unreliable and invented source claims.

The stamps are aimed at capitalising on the PM’s “staying power” in No 10 and his “easy attitude to lawbreaking in high office”. It’s thought they will also really show the “plebs who is boss” ahead of the May local elections.

But controversy is set to accompany the release of the stamps as the Queen’s head will be replaced by Carrie Johnson’s in the top corner.

“Boris lied to the Queen and stayed in power. Carrie went from mistress to girlfriend to wife in the blink of an eye. Who would have thought a young lady that was present at the launch of the Conservative Friends of Russia group would have risen so high and so fast? It’s right she features in a symbolic way.”

The cost of the new stamps will also be novel with the usual pounds and pence value replaced by a broken heart to symbolise the people who were dying of the virus while the PM and mates held their parties.

“It’s likely the stamps will be issued free of charge,” the source adds. “The British people have already paid a high price for them.”

On a happier note though the stamps will mark a return to traditional British postage.

“It will only be possible to affix these stamps to an envelope or parcel by licking the backside,” the source informs. “There won’t be any of that newfangled ready glue on the back of them that is activated simply by removing the backing paper. You’ll literally have to lick Johnson’s backside to use the stamps.”

It’s believed the stamps will be intensely popular among Tory MPs and other “arselickers” who keep Johnson in power no matter how egregiously he undermines the rule of law, representative democracy and the UK’s international standing.

ROOKIE MISTAKES: Intensive investigations into Tory sleaze have revealed the existence of a species thought to be extinct. A solitary Conservative MP has been discovered whose lifestyle is beyond reproach. 

This MP is devoted to his wife. He doesn’t take drugs. He manages to get by on his paltry stipend of 82 grand without claiming expenses for heating his stables or taking on extra work as a lobbyist. Indeed, he appears to spend most of his time working as a full time MP. 

He votes with his conscience. He devotes much time to constituency issues. He always acts with the greatest respect and integrity. 

Except in one crucial respect. Terry Dactill remains a member of the Conservative Party. 

LCD Views naturally tried to contact him, but unfortunately he was far too busy negotiating with energy suppliers on behalf of his most vulnerable constituents, and was reluctant to attract publicity. 

So instead we sought the opinions of those brave investigators who uncovered his existence. 

“Terry Dactill is a throwback, you might even call him a dinosaur,” claimed fearless journalist Carole Singer. “I have personally trawled through the records of over three hundred Tory MPs over the last six years, and never have I seen such egregious integrity and attention to detail. He has never so much as claimed for a parking ticket! I’m shocked to the core.”

Singer has a vast store of information about Tory parliamentarians. Many acquire descriptive nicknames or plays on their real names. Michael Coke, Michael Fabrication, Captain Bag-of-Custard, Rishi Scrooge, Miss Yo-yo Knickers, and Geoffrey Two-Jobs provide a colourful selection. 

“Dactill even keeps a copy of the Nolan Principles on his desk at the House of Commons,” continued Singer in an awed voice. “I’ve never seen that in my whole life. It’s as if I’ve been transported back to the mid 20th century!” 

There is also rumoured to be a nickname given to decent, honest Tory MPs by their peers: idiots. 

Self-identification is a subject that has gained a lot of media attention in the last few years, as a means for people to define their gender and sexuality, but now it seems to be getting another use as our own glorious fuhrer is getting in on the act.

Boris Johnson said last night at a press conference:

“In this age of self-identification, I wish to show the public that I understand the issues facing people who need to self-identify, and so I am making my own self-identification statement. As of now, I officially self-identify as a sleeping dog.”

When asked why, he responded simply:

“You’ve all heard the expression let sleeping dogs lie. Well I’m a sleeping dog and I’m sick of being hounded, if you’ll excuse the pun, for not telling the truth all the time.”

So it’s not just self-identification that’s getting an expanded range of use, an old proverb is having its meaning expanded too.

Already there are reports of confusion and conflict from within Johnson’s fanbase. Some feel betrayed that he has chosen to self-identify, claiming that anyone who self-identifies as anything other than a straight man or woman has something wrong with them (their exact words were too offensive to print here).

Others meanwhile are fully supportive of his statement and are now self-identifying in their turn as sleeping dogs to show that support.

It is further rumoured that a Sleeping Dog Pride group is already being formed, and seeking prime ministerial patronage.

Exactly how this form of self-identification will affect the next national census is unclear, still, the research department have a few years yet to figure it out.

DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT £200: The best way to end a conflict is to refuse to appease a dictator. According to Go Home Secretary Priti Patel, appeasement means housing refugees fleeing from war waged by sociopathic dictators. 

And once you start to accept foreigners across your borders – even deserving ones – you risk creating a free for all, a flood of migrants, a swarm of filthy foreign freeloaders invading willy nilly. These will create strains on the NHS, the education services, and probably everything else that can’t cope because of savage government cuts. 

The trouble is that, once Putin realises that the UK is such a soft touch, he is bound to displace lots more foreigners from lots more countries. This in turn will reveal the failures of the British government, and that is inexcusable. 

“Putin should leave the bullyin’ to me!” smirked Patel. “It’s a sign of strength! It’s about time we were showin’ Uncle Vlad who’s in charge here. He must not be encouraged to do any more invadin’! We will not be puttin’ Putin in control!” 

Patel was convinced of Putin’s intentions. 

“Next thing we know he will be wantin’ to invade Poland!” she shrieked. “If we allow refugees into the UK, then before you know it he will occupyin’ all of Europe, and sendin’ a hundredty dozen and eleventy froggies and krauts over here. That’s not what we voted for! They won’t all pay £50 to get out of Europe free!” 

It’s the end of the world as we know it, she claimed. And it could all be prevented by takin’ a hard line on refugees. 

“We are leadin’ the world as usual!” she boasted. “Closin’ the borders is the only way of tellin’ Putin where we are drawin’ the line! Otherwise it’s Ukraine today, the rest of the world tomorrow, and that simply won’t be happenin’!” 

Bein’ nice is a weakness. Tough on war, tough on the casualties of war. 

THE FASTEST RESPONSE IN EUROPE: Britain is doing more to help the most needy during the current Ukraine invasion crisis. Yes, people may be losing their homes, their livelihoods and their lives, but there is a bigger issue here, one Tory MP has claimed.

“Many important Russians will be losing a lot of money in this crisis,” claimed unprominent back bencher and ERG wannabe Rushin Plant. Plant cites a report from a Misplaced Focus Group, of which he is also an unprominent member.

“Won’t somebody please think of the oligarchs?” Plant pleaded. “Yes, there may well be refugees and bombs and stuff, but the real sufferers are the starving benevolent wealthy Russians who fund the Red Army. Think of the billions of roubles sunk into tanks and uniforms and the suchlike. That’s an incredible investment, and they deserve to see a proper return on their money!”

Plant praises the UK’s swift and generous action. “Boris Johnson has, as ever, trodden the fine line with outrageous success,” he claimed. “By talking tough, he has mollified the rest of the world, and cocked a snook at the EU. He has also acted to protect valuable Russian assets. By agreeing sanctions, but giving Russians enough time to move their allegedly ill-gotten gains, he has balanced the twin demands of immediate action and of protecting his paymasters.”

Plant is not the only Tory to praise the government’s swift inaction. Many others, allegedly in receipt of large sums of Russian money, backed Plant as openly as they dare. “One must not be too hasty in judging the rights and wrongs of the situation,” said the equally obscure Tory MP Vlad E. Vostok. “There are good and bad people on both sides!”

In the end, we are all going to have to live with Russian corruption and the pollution of democracy.

DEAD END GAME : Russian dictator and alleged major funder of the Conservative and Unionist Party, Vladimir Putin, is said to be deeply concerned his time working as one of Death’s star employees maybe coming to an end.

The decision to invade Ukraine has summoned up distinct 1939 vibes in Europe and across the world. It’s possible the master manipulator may have finally overplayed his hand as he adds to what is an already impressive scorecard of killing innocent people.

“He may also have overpaid for Western politicians,” an insider tells LCD Views. “He’s been shelling out for pliable Western politicians for over a decade and they’re currently not coming through. They really came through for Brexit. They came up trumps for Trump. They collectively turned a largely blind eye to mass killing in Syria. Although that was easier as the people weren’t European and it was all very confusing. But maybe he’s given them all a reason to just dump him and keep the cash. Shocking.”

One thing Mr Putin has achieved is everyone talking about him, but perhaps not in the way he imagined.

“He needs an out strategy,” the insider acknowledges, “as there is no possible win now he’s launched the slaughter in Europe. It was a complete shock that after nearly a decade of fighting against him the Ukrainians didn’t just line the streets and welcome the baffled Russian conscripts in. Who would have thought it? Now he either has to level the country and claim a mountain of corpses wanted him to free them from fascism, or retreat. Still, at least petrol is costing a lot more. If only we could ship it.”

But it seems the real fear for the aged bareback bear rider maybe exile in the West.

“He will need a safe country to flee too soon if the oligarchs’ kids can’t get to their yachts in the Med. The UK looks good. It’s got all sorts of wannabe fash going on in government. But even that comes with anxiety as it seems the only safe space that will be left for him is the same safe place for all the other washouts. A presenter on GB News. There’s no coming back from that.”

WHY SHOULDN’T YOU BUY RUSSIAN UNDERPANTS: As the Ukraine crisis intensifies, one man is at least trying to lighten the mood. Russian-sponsored comedy Prime Minister Boris Johnson is going full international statesman and cracking ancient Dad jokes. 

As the Russian invasion force reaches the site of the notorious Chernobyl nuclear disaster, the old joke has gained new traction. The unfortunate troops may end up being hung out to dry. 

But it is Johnson who can afford to see the funny side, safe in his secret bunker paid for by generous Russian donors. “A dad joke a day keeps invaders at bay,” is his new personal motto. 

This is according to a rather more unreliable Downing Street source than usual, Carrie Johnson. Carrie, herself undertaking a sponsored pregnancy drive on behalf of the Conservative Friends of Russia, volunteered to fulfil the position of Official Spokesman. The previous incumbent resigned after failing to realise that televised lies count more than private ones. 

“Boris Stanleyvitch has been told – I mean, has decided, to raise the spirits!” she told assembled hacks, desperate for a scoop. “He is working his way through a crate of spiffing spaffing vodka right now! Why so serious? Russia will win – hooray! Let’s be cheerful. Always look on the bright side of life!” 

Quite appropriate for a crucified man being hung out to dry. 

“No? Not a titter? Not so much as a smile? Well I almost wet myself laughing when I heard it the first time,” Carrie continued. “Those poor peasants in fatigues, just think about them! Ha ha! Fall out? More likely to fall off, I should think!” 

The fall out from that comment was that every man present subconsciously crossed his legs. At least they were spared the same fate. But just in case, you should never buy Russian underpants. 

Because Chernobyl fall out.