Category: Tory Tory Tory

BOOM TIMES FOR HOSPITALS : With trainee, apprentice, so called Doctors on strike AGAIN one of Prime Minister Rishi Sunak’s staunchest defenders has hit back at what he calls “the unpalatable ingratitude of the medical class”.

Speaking on Radio 4’s Yesterday programme in the prime 08:10 slot, Tory MP for Bearing Downs, Rodney Dear, blasted striking doctors.

“I’ve been a right honourable member since 2005,” Mr Dear explained, “and in that time I’ve seen the behaviour of the so called medical profession deteriorate faster than a spoiled boy denied a second gelding for his fifth birthday.”

It seems Mr Dear is expressly aggrieved over the “untoward barrage of criticism” from Junior Doctors directed at the Prime Minister.

“You think of just how much money the Prime Minister and his family have pumped into the medical profession over the years? How much all Tory MPs have? My private medical bill for last year alone was £100K. Although happily a lot of it was gratis because my clinic knows how to reward loyal customers and nothing I say in parliament is related to that.”

Mr Dear thinks Doctors need to “take their stethoscopes” and listen to their own chests. “Is there a heart beating in those grasping torsos?” he demands to know. “If there is it must be very small. Who could watch a candid movie of Mr Sunak taking time out of his busy schedule to buy mince pies for medics and still think he doesn’t care? It is all very hurtful.”

And for any Doctors still wagging their fingers at 10 Downing Street the Sunak loyalist has another two pence to offer.

“The last Labour government almost destroyed the medical industry in this country. Did you see what was happening to customer lists at hospitals across the UK? Plummeting. Some NHS trusts were in danger of going out of business all together. But thanks to fourteen years of Tory management there’s not a hospital in the country that doesn’t have eager customers lined up out of the doors and down the block. The doctors might want to think about that next time they start moaning that they’re underpaid. Thanks to the vengeful EU many sectors risk going bust now we are sovereign nation again, but not the medical profession. More customers every year. And they can thank all Tory MPs, past and present, since 2010, for that!”

Doctors, it’s about time you stopped moaning and got back to work, your backlog won’t clear itself.

GOT TO PICK A POCKET OR TWO : The UK’s outgoing Prime Minister, Rishi “I have no working class friends” Sunak, is not taking Christmas lying down.

“It’s been a tradition since 2010 for the ghosts of past, present and future to visit the prime minister at Christmas,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “You just have to look about you to see what they achieve. All those dire warnings of loneliness and oblivion? All we can say is if the Christmas ghosts don’t like what Tory PMs are doing they should stop giving them policy ideas.”

While calmer heads have suggested the three ghosts should be privatised, to improve productivity, Mr Sunak is minded to take things further.

”He’s going to provide the ghosts with proper guidance,” the spokesman explains. “Rather than have them turn up clearly infected with some mind virus, they will now be forced by law to embody proper Great British conservative values.”

It’s believed this will mostly be centred on how best to position the hardworking British voter for the future.

”The ghost of Christmas past will warn Mr Sunak that he hasn’t redistributed wealth from the poor to the wealthy enough. He should be bloody ashamed of himself.”

Just so.

”The ghost of Christmas present will admonish the PM by showing him lower income families still just about capable of scrapping together a Christmas meal for their kids.”

And the ghost of Christmas future?

”How terrible everything will be for the UK if Sunak doesn’t continue his slide into full blown fascism. There’s a risk that obscenely wealthy individuals may end up paying tax!”

A vision of the future no Tory PM could sleep through.

IF HIS LIPS ARE MOVING : WORLD LEADING GREAT BRITISH PRIME MINISTER, and part time politician, Rishi “The Hammer” Sunak, has allegedly denied fresh claims he did not attend COP28 in person.

Rumours the UK Prime Minister was not personally at the COP28 summit appear to have begun after a Politico journalist noted he spent such a trivial amount of time there if was like he didn’t even show up at all.

“It’s nonsense,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “the prime minister definitely seemed to be there. At least as long as it takes to get a few photos for social media. I mean, there was a peevish looking guy that looked like Sunak. Didn’t you see him? Pursed lips? Standing on his tippy toes? If you’re not careful we’ll pass a law saying it’s illegal to question whether or not he was there.”

The response from the Palace, we mean 10 Downing Street, will not satisfy all of Mr Sunak’s detractors though, as an AI generated image of an absence at the summit only ever showed Mr Sunak dancing on a burning rainforest, in spite of how many times the image was generated.

“Look, you really don’t understand how Global Britain is governed,” a supporter of the PM commented, “how long does it take to meet representatives of the fossil fuel industry in back corridors? Bugger all time, that’s how long. Just long enough to shake hands and laugh over the expansion of fossil fuels in the UK. Then it’s back on the jet and home to ensure no one has found Rishi’s mobile phone and handed it over to the Covid Inquiry.”

Other voices have suggested that even criticising the PM’s green cred on risks new laws carrying lengthy goal time.

“Be grateful we didn’t send 30p Lee to represent the UK,” 10 Downing Street added. “Or Boris Johnson, or Liz Truss, or Matt Hancock, or Oliver Dowden, or Jeremy Hunt, or Grant Shapps, or Lord Cameron. Oh.”

Tory Gonna Tory : The United Kingdom’s foremost social intellectual, and former Prime Minister, has spoken today about his joy at seeing a solution to the “ghastly spectacle” of “wilful, hippy slummers” cluttering up London’s pavements with camping equipment.

“They must think the whole of London is a camp site, like some sort of holiday park in Devon,” he told LCD Views, from the steps of a fetching garden shed that cost as much as the annual average income. “It’s not. It’s really not. Good fences make good neighbours. We need to look at fencing off pavements and introducing credit checks to use them.”

The decision to target the capital’s most vulnerable will be taken by many as the natural continuation of the work begun by the former PM.

“When we talked about the Big Society some thought we meant Pig Society,” he snorts, “but what we were really up to was cloth headed ideology in action, in the real world, spiced up with demonising those who weren’t born with our advantages, and as a neat cover to nick the family silver off the public while everyone was blaming some veteran with brain damage for the national debt we caused, while nicking the family silver.”

The enduring legacy of a man some are calling “Britain’s greatest living fourth worst Prime Minister” is certainly something for him to write home about from his shed.

“When we began making life harder for the vulnerable back in 2010 we knew it would take time for the project to come to fruition,” he comments, “but seeing the tents of the homeless thrown into bin lorries in Camden shows how solid our vision for the UK was. This is the Big Society in action. Weeding out the weak. And if you can’t weed them out you can at least put something on top of them so they aren’t visible to a playboy oligarch driving his sports car about while shopping for an accountant to help him find a tax efficient way to move money to London.”

But still he’s not entirely satisfied.

“We aren’t quite there yet, as a people,” he adds, “once ordinary, hardworking British taxpayers turn out in mobs to skip the tents then I’ll be satisfied that the Big Society I envisioned has been fully created.”

MORE MONEY THAN SENSE : GREAT BRITAIN’S first Prime Minister for 2023, Rishi “Richie Rich” Sunak, has come up with a world beating plan to tackle the ramped up NHS waiting lists, and pretend the NHS isn’t in total collapse.

While woke, lefty, snowflake, yoghurt knitting idiots point to years of wrongheaded reorganisation, done to splinter the NHS and make it vulnerable to profiteering vulture capitalists, underfunding, disincentivising the workforce, negative immigration policies, running the pandemic like a public cash for Tory donor takeaway service, and a broader ecosystem of human hating economic policies, which pile extra burden on the health service, Sunak knows the real problem is some teenagers don’t study enough maths.

“Maths is like a sentence and some students aren’t serving their sentences long enough,” a 10 Downing genius tells LCD Views, while pointing to the above paragraph as an ideal sentence length. “And just think of the advantages of boosting a fantasy policy to capture a day’s headlines? That’s one day everyone isn’t focusing on the lethal mismanagement of the NHS from central government. That’s canny politics.”

Supporters of the plan to make kids study calculus at eighteen, regardless of the fact they may have no inclination or gift for it, and could profitably be doing something else, say the plan has innumerable benefits.

“It’s not just distracting the news cycle for a day from the collapse of the NHS,” one Tory brain box screams, blood surging through his veins, “it also distracts from the fact we’ve catastrophically mismanaged the economy since 2010, worsened the Channel crossing problem, trashed the UK’s international reputation with Brexit, deeply harmed our food security, overseen an energy price crisis like another golden profiteering opportunity for chums, have zero empathy for anyone not born with a silver spoon up their jacksie and so can’t understand why hungry people are striking, and so much more.”

Although critics point out, you don’t have to be a genius at maths to count the ways the Tories have harmed the UK, you just have to live here for a day. We can all stand outside and clap to that.

TO GAIN THE WHOLE WORLD BUT TO LOSE YOUR SOUL: It’s a small price to pay. Like gaining your sovereignty but losing your economy. 

The Conservative Party leadership race is rapidly approaching its nadir. The race to the bottom has yielded a straight choice between two unpalatable options. The nouveau riche upstart from the Colonies, or the swivel eyed inbred traitor. Fishy Rishi or Loony Liz?

It’s too early to pick a winner. Or a loser. And we are so far down the rabbit hole, so far through the looking glass, that it’s impossible to tell victory from defeat. We are going to need a bigger Lewis Carroll metaphor. 

Which brings us to Liz Truss, the mutant offspring of Humpty Dumpty and the Queen of Hearts. She wants to win the hearts and minds of the Conservative Party membership, who will determine her fate. She will set out to achieve this by being both heartless and mindless. 

“I’m bringing back the caring, compassionate face of Brexit Britain,” intoned Truss in her robotic voice. “I’m in favour of tolerance and inclusivity for all.” 

How is the cruel, expensive and illegal Rwanda policy caring and compassionate, asked a brave hack. 

“Off with his head!” screeched Truss. “When I use a word like ‘compassionate’, it means exactly what I want it to mean!” 

The summary execution of one of the despicable wokerati will have gladdened many a moneyed black void in the Home Counties. 

How did you journey from being a Lib Dem member and a Remainer to a hardline Brexiter? What are your true principles, asked another daring soul. 

“Principles are just a commodity to be bought and sold,” snapped Truss. “Follow the money! Like I did. In politics, the best lesson I ever learned was how to empty my pretty little head and slavishly obey the highest bidder.” 

It will be pork barrel politics from Prime Minister Pork Markets. 

THE MIDAS TOUCH : BRITAIN’S most successful bullshitter and also its Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has spoken to the Conservative Party’s MPs this weekend to fill them with “vim and vigour” ahead of the local elections next month.

It’s widely expected that the governing party may pay a price for twelve years of ruining the country in the service of greed and flawed ideology, but not if Boris can do something about it.

The decision to journey to the Underworld was thought to have been inspired by Mr Johnson’s vague recollections of the Classics he studied at university, even if most of his energy at the time was dedicated to shaming oiks who got into Oxford on scholarships.

“It will be like Eurydice and Orpheus,” he told the captured audience. “Or rather Rydice and Boris as the EU has nothing to do with it!”

It’s not yet known how he convinced the Gods to allow him to enter Hades on his quest or which Tory donor paid the Ferryman to allow him to make the passage. Focus has turned to domestic donors after the Ferryman announced he was no longer taking payment in roubles.

But unlike the famed and tragic Greek hero of myth Mr Johnson is not anticipating any perverse conditions placed on his quest to lead Mrs Thatcher away from death and back to life.

“The Gods of the Underworld can’t wait to get rid of her,” an insider told LCD Views. “She keeps attempting to sell off the infrastructure to private interests and banging on about how her father had a shop.”

If Mr Johnson is successful he plans to undertake a national tour with the reanimated Goddess of the Tory Party to revive its electoral prospects.

“We can’t keep on promising a lovely day tomorrow when it’s clear all we do is ruin the place,” one Tory MP commented. “But bringing back Thatcher? That will perfectly complete the rehash of the 70’s were currently overseeing. She’s the right figurehead to oversee the response to the coming food riots.”

I’LL HAVE ONE NUMBER FROM THE TOP ROW, RACHEL, AND FIVETY FROM ANYWHERE ELSE: And with any luck you will be able to calculate Priti Patel’s chances of becoming Chancellor. With Rishi Sunak under pressure after outing himself as a typical Tory, the search is on for a safer pair of hands. The Countdown is on. 

Patel herself is under pressure at the Home Office, being a bit too hostile and misanthropic even for Conservatives to stomach. Many feel she would be better suited to banishing money to far-off lands, instead of people. 

“I would say that she is odds-on favourite for the job,” claimed financial commentator Algie Brah. “Or is it evens? Are the odds evens? Does the Prime Minister know? Anyway, it all adds up. Patel will make a fantastic Chancellor. Her numerical skills are firsteth rate, and she is excellent at division!” 

Patel would have to square a lot of circles. This might be difficult, even for her, given that the sole abacus owned by the Treasury is (allegedly) still calibrated in Imperial measures. 

“It’s definitely a conundrum,” admitted Brah. “There’s no cash available to spaff on log tables or slide rules. And only 30 seconds to solve it. Patel is planning to kidnap – I mean, employ – Ukrainian boffins to calculate the value of all the backhanders in brown envelopes distributed by Putin. The rouble is changing value all the time, and the government needs to know their value in Sterling. For their accountants, you know. Got to keep on top of one’s undeclared income.”

An announcement will be made at eleventeen minutes past midnoon o’clock this Sunderingday. 

There will be hell to pay, of course. Just to have Patel on the government’s books will cost us three hundred thousand, thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand pounds. 

And that’s Numberwang. 

ALL THAT GLITTERS : THE UK’S MULTI-MILLIONAIRE CHANCELLOR, inheritance millionaire and lucky in love man of the people, Rishi Sunak, has hit back at claims he doesn’t know the cost of everyday items for hardworking British men and women.

Earlier this week in an interview with lifestyle magazine ‘Silver Spoons’ the Chancellor appeared to suggest that milk was £200 a pint leading to criticism that he is “out of touch”. Mr Sunak isn’t having that and after an extended session with his personal stylist he emerged with both fists clenched.

“Only an idiot would claim that milk costs £200 a pint,” Mr Sunak beamed to camera, his shoulders pleasingly squared by a Saville Row tailor and his smile fixed to the point of pain.

But not everyone is buying it after close analysis of one of the Chancellor’s daily press photos revealed a glass of liquid gold in the background. Expert analysis suggests that maybe Mr Sunak’s milk does actually cost £200 a pint?

Defenders of the man most likely to replace Liz Truss as Britain’s PM after the next scoffed at the claims.

“Mr Sunak doesn’t dirty his mind with knowing how much his Wagu Milk with Precious Metal Flavour costs. Such comments are beneath the dignity of a man who struggled out of obscurity to be the most photographed Chancellor the UK has ever had. Now, let’s focus on the real issues, the upcoming cut to VAT on begging bowls for children under 10. Means tested of course.”

And there is some substance to Mr Sunak’s clarification. Analysis of his plans to help with the cost of living crisis, he’s helping to cause, reveal so much inflation coming down the line milk will become a luxury item.

“He’s titled his plan – The Plebs Are F*cked – so he’s not wrong. He’s right. Economically very far right. He’s a Brexiter don’t you know. So he’s hasn’t got a clue mate. Good luck.”

IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR: No, not Christmas, but the Annual Tory Backslapping Awards. One of the most hotly contested awards is even more than usually interesting this year.

Indeed, candidates are almost literally queueing up for the gong. The David Davis Thick As Mince Award has attracted any number of outstanding candidates.

There is Nadine Dorries, who is nominated every year, but has excelled herself recently. Dorries, who justifies her selection every time she opens her mouth, is threatening the BBC for actually reporting the news. Why can’t we be more like America, runs her ‘thesis’, with properly partisan propagandists like Fox News? Dorries is currently the bookies’ favourite for the award.

Consider Oliver Dowden. But not for long, as it can cause permanent damage. Like gazing into the sun, exposure to Dowden is likely to impair your faculties. His claim to fame being ‘disgusted’ by the revelation that parties were taking place both illegally and under his nose. He is angry because he neither noticed nor was invited. Dowden is another front-runner.

Then there is Nadhim Zahawi. The Education Secretary has been on the news programmes more often than most, although never to talk about education. Not the best liar, he was challenged to defend the absent Prime Minister’s latest ridiculous excuse, implicitly. After repeating himself several times, and crowbarring the word ‘vaccines’ into every other sentence, he gave up trying to understand what exactly ‘believed implicitly’ means. Maybe, by realising that his boss is talking bollocks at last, he has exempted himself from the running.

Of course, no competition would be complete without Boris Johnson trying to skew the odds in his favour. He is currently trying to spin his pathetic excuse that he is ‘self-isolating’, despite there being no obligation at present, as stupidity rather than cowardice. In any event, he will dress up in hi-viz and cosplay as the winner.

Meanwhile, there are no nominees for the Competent Conservative of the Year prize.