BREAKING : Snow falls fail to grind U.K. to halt first time ever as Brexit and CV-19 got in first

RUN RUN THE SKY IS FALLING IN : Julius Caesar famously chose the winter of 55 BC to invade ancient Britain after consulting an oracle who said, chicken guts at her feet, “when the sky white is the people painted know no delight in transportation or flight”.

We know what happened after that, as Caesar recorded his exploits on an ancient Etch A Sketch that he carried everywhere.

It has been easy for historians to decipher the pictograms of ancient Britons baffled to immobility by snow, their chariots piled together, their swords stuck in their sheaths, the druids scratching their heads and tasting snowflakes. While unnoticed Caesar’s legions surrounded the haplessly snowed in Celts.

And so it has been for the past two millennia.

The Angles, Jutes, Saxons and Vikings arrived in successive waves like blizzards, but only when the people of Great Britannia were immobilised by a dusting of powder.

1066 may have had a different result if it had not been snowing heavily on the paths and rough roads Harold One Eye had needed to traverse to face the Norman army of Norman Williamson.

So too the 19th century invasion of the Sax-Coburg empire who seized the thrones of England, Scotland and Wales, never to let go.

Even today their descendants like no better sport than waiting for it to snow before rushing out into the inevitable gridlocks so they can taunt stuck lorry drivers and small traders by asking “And what do you do?”

With all this being true no one expected today. The snow. And the aftermath. Because nothing is the aftermath. The snow falls but all that is happening is people breaking out forgotten sleds and children pelting one another with snowballs.

Neighbours emerging to stand socially distanced on the white pavements of the United Kingdom, blink at each other and enquire “And who are you again?”

And the traffic hasn’t halted in frustrated and vulnerable masses of metal doom, because the trade has already ceased.

And what power could it be that has rendered the snow god obsolete?

Why Brexit of course, and Covid-19 under the management of Boris Johnson and his cabinet of loyal halfwits.

The snow will have to try a little harder from now on to disrupt and cause to cease the life and commerce of old Britannia, because Boris Johnson is way, way ahead of it.

Downing Street investigating why laptops given to schools have “Putin riding a horse” as screensavers

HE WHO PAYS THE PIPER CALLS THE SCREENSAVER : DOWNING STREET HAVE PLEDGED TO LEAVE NO SPACE BAR UNPRESSED as a new mystery contorts the country.

“It’s a welcome distraction to be honest,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “As long as people are talking about the laptops being handed out by Tory donors to poor kids, no one is talking about the frankly horrifying death toll from mismanaging the pandemic.”

And talking about the laptops people are. Especially educators.

“It was a nice initial effort to have many of the laptops being given to our country’s future chimney sweeps to be missing sound cards,” the source grinned. “But the screensavers of a shirtless Putin on a horse? OMG. Jackpot. I personally would have gone for him fishing shirtless, but that’s just because I can’t wait to get out of lockdown and go fishing shirtless.”

While some are suggesting that the screensavers are a result of the laptops being riddled with Russian developed computer viruses, our source has a more down to earth explanation.

“It’s intentional. A living and breathing dead cat. We employed dozens of SPADS over last weekend to take this idea from just a scribble on a chalkboard to a proper scandal. I think it was actually an idea leftover from Dom’s time at Downing Street. The idea blackboard doesn’t get used much anymore.”

The SPADS concerned are thought to have photocopied thousands of images of the Russian leader and blu-tac’d them to the laptops screens. Then the laptops were delivered to schools.

“The pictures had to be stuck to the screens, because the supplier pulled all the laptops out of a skip behind a medical waste facility. Really lucky find. Increased the profit margin considerably.”

Boris Johnson to put a bust of George Washington in 10 Downing Street just to take it out again

TAKE THAT BIDEN : UNITED KINGDOM PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has played it cool this week as the international incident regarding the bust of Winston Churchill has raged back and forth across The Atlantic.

What happens to the bust of the famous British prime minister is widely viewed around the world as a key indicator to the strength of the special relationship. And this week it has gone missing from the Oval Office.

While it’s likely that the bust has merely been removed to have it melted down and recast, the only way to ensure Trump’s grubby little, viral loaded fingerprints are cleaned off it, some suspect a more devious motive.

“They want to use the location of the bust as leverage in the US-UK trade talks,” a 10 Downing Street genius told LCD Views. “But we will not buckle. We’re working up a plan to hit back.”

And hit back Downing Street will, with both hands.

“Boris Johnson is said to be in favour of placing a bust of George Washington in 10 Downing Street. It’s taken some time to convince him. He misheard George as Georgina initially, and couldn’t stop giggling. But he’s on top of the detail now.”

Once the bust has been installed and widely photographed it will mysteriously vanish.

“Once the bust is gone we’ll be asking top US reporters to the Downing Street press briefings and just wait for them to ask about it. And not our world beating pandemic death rate. We’re focused on what’s important.”

That’s because we’re Global Britain and everyone needs to notice.

Festival of Brexit organisers to ask for a transition period

BREXIT FESTIVAL IN NAME ONLY: The organisers of the much-unheralded Festival of Brexit have pleaded for more time to prepare.

This ‘transition period’ will be used to ensure expectations have been suitably adjusted. But there may be another reason, according to Festival organiser Ant E. Clymacks.

“Remember the Great Exhibition of 1851?” asked Clymacks. “Well no, obviously you don’t, unless you are undead like Jacob Rees-Mogg. But the Festival of Britain was only in 1951, and people remember that!”

That may be true, but Clymacks soon came to the point.

“1851, 1951, see?” he said. “The next big festival isn’t due until 2051.”

Speaking of Jacob Rees-Mogg, he is famously on record for claiming that we wouldn’t know the  ‘full economic consequences for a very long time’ and that ‘the overwhelming opportunity for Brexit is over the next 50 years’.

“Yes, that’s another reason of course,” gushed Clymacks. “By 2051 we will be reaping the kind of rewards that Mr Rees-Mogg was so shy about defining.”

How are preparations going?

“It’s a slow process,” admitted Clymacks. “Roger Daltrey has refused to guarantee that he will still be alive enough to open proceedings. We have managed to secure a display of Happy British Fish, but unfortunately they are tied up in red tape somewhere on the motorway network, and won’t arrive until late next year.”

Have you decided on a venue yet?

“The Millennium Dome is the obvious choice,” said Clymacks. “We managed to hire it, for as long as we like, whenever we like, for £50 a week. Boris Johnson has personally guaranteed the price and availability, so we are currently looking at other options.”

It’s clear that there will be a lot to organise. Food, displays, toilets, transport, social distancing measures…

“And we have the money,” said Clymacks. “Except… well, we don’t. It was paid out promptly to the patron of the Festival, but he has since been unavailable. Still, we found a rare Brexit 50p coin the other day, so it’s not all doom and gloom!”

And hiring all the necessary equipment from the EU takes a very long time now.

Downing Street sends bust of Boris Johnson to White House as inauguration gift for Joe Biden

BUST OF BRITAIN : World famous diplomat, and part-time British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson has lobbed a sweetener across the pond to new US President Joe Biden.

It’s tradition for heads of state to send gifts to their contemporaries when new hands grip the tiller, and Global Britain is no laggard in this area.

“We were considering sending a representative of the royal family over, as a kind of prisoner. But Prince Andrew was the only one with time in his diary and he is curiously adverse to international travel. So we decided on something in brass.”

The something is a bust of the current British Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

“Of course it should have been Rupert Murdoch, for accuracy, but he wouldn’t allow it.”

And while the bronze has been cast in record time, it’s understood there were some heated debates over the design.

“In the end they settled on the standard bust, as popularised by bra-less Roman leaders in the distant past. But that is said to have caused quite the stink indoors, as Carrie Symonds is rumoured to be livid it wasn’t a double of her and Johnson.”

It’s also believed Dominic Cummings wanted the bust to be a triplicate design, with himself also featured. He apparently has a warehouse full of them at the ready.

“As the Biden administration is new and doesn’t have the depth of experience present in Downing Street, we thought it best not to confuse matters.”

And there’s a lot of brass involved too.

“The majority of the bust is comprised of butter and would ideally be refrigerated. Except for the neck. No messing with the alloy there. Boris Johnson’s brass neck is rendered faithfully. And if you look closely you can all the funny things he’s said about ethnic minorities etched in. A charming little extra.”

The bust of Boris is expected to be in the Oval Office before the close of business today, with a note instructing the new tenant on Pennsylvania Avenue to sit it right next to Winston Churchill.

Boris Johnson to seek treatment at The Priory for addiction to Union Jack flags

AT FIRST IT WAS JUST BUNTING : TEMPORARY UK PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON will be MIA for a week after unconfirmed and fabricated rumours say he has booked himself into The Priory.

The Priory is a famous addiction treatment centre and is not unaccustomed to patronage from the high and mighty.

“Mr Johnson will be undergoing treatment for a spiralling addiction to national symbols,” someone claiming to work at the centre told LCD Views, “the compulsive use of the Union Jack is believed to be of particular concern. He is essentially unable to function now without a giant hit.”

It’s understood Mr Johnson has a long history of misuse of the Union Jack, but initially it was just bunting and small hand held flags. But now the use is habitual and he would be called colloquially a “junky”.

What form the treatment will take isn’t clear, but rather shrouded in secrecy.

Some suggest he will be locked into a small room on one of the upper floors with just a bucket for waste and a selection of tinned foods. The door being nailed shut from the outside.

“We expect Mr Johnson will make a full recovery, but there are no guarantees. An addiction as deep as his, while initially a cry for help, has moved now to a pathological deepness that would likely require a full frontal lobotomy to cure. And that has already been attempted.”

The team at LCD Views wish Mr Johnson a speedy recovery, as it’s hard to conceive of the UK’s current trajectory continuing without him. Additionally, it is obvious his poor example is now influencing the other children in his cabinet into compulsive use of Union Jacks, and that’s not good for anybody.

“How the f*ck does Priti Patel still have a job?” now most Googled search in U.K.

THERE HAVE BEEN 300,034 974,000 TESTS : There’s a new top search in the United Kingdom this weekend, bumping “How the f*ck does Boris Johnson still have a job?” off the number one slot.

The new number one is “How the f*ck does Priti Patel still have a job?”, which by pushing Johnson into second place has pushed “How the f*ck does Gavin Williamson still have a job?” into third.

“How the f*ck does Robert Jenrick still have a job? is now number four as a result,” our search engine analyst reports, “with ‘What does Liz Truss even do all day?’ stable at five.”

The change in the rankings appears to be a result of all the exposure Ms Patel has received this week, as she took on the media and continued her war against the better angels of our nature.

“You would have thought she would have been driven out of the Conservative Party back when Theresa May fired her for running her own foreign policy agenda, but not so.”

How long Ms Patel will hold onto the Number One is not certain, as Matt Hancock and Nadhim Zahawi are thought to be running on a joint ticket, aimed at moving fast up the league table.

“If Matt and Nadhim can continue to dissemble and confuse the nation with the vaccine roll out they may well share the crown together soon.”

Ms Patel won’t let go of Number One easily though, she’s got refugees to house in damp camps by the sea and a flair for words, and numbers, that will see people scratching their heads as long as she remains in post.

We did ask Ms Patel for comment on her achievement but all she said was “Exterminate. Exterminate.”

BREAKING UK to resume mantle of “World’s Leading Idiocracy” at 7pm GMT!

WE’RE NUMBER ONE AGAIN : THE UNITED KINGDOM is ready to set off the fireworks and party this evening as it regains a coveted number one spot in global rankings.

“We’re not talking about the pandemic death stats here,” a 10 Downing Street source said. “We don’t like to talk about that. We’re talking about governance.”

And governance, or the lack of it, is the criteria and we are the WINNERS!

“The Union Jack flags will be raised in the living rooms and toilets of all Conservative MPs just before 7pm, and which a mass Zoom salute will be held as we take back our crown.”

The reason for the leap back to the top is the reclaiming of the mantle of “World’s Leading Idiocracy”, first clenched by the UK when it decided to Brexit.

“We didn’t get to hold onto the title for long back in 2016, as the USA elected Donald Trump only a few months later and took an unassailable lead. But now with the inauguration of Biden/Harris there is no one to get in our way.”

Many countries can claim to be Idiocracies. Many are poorly governed.

“But none have the natural, geographical, historical, diplomatic, financial, cultural and inherited advantages that we have chosen to throw away in the hope of becoming the world’s greatest financial laundromat.”

A mass slap will be held at 8pm tonight to celebrate. Get ready to hit yourself across the face, and afterwards, just keep on hitting as we take the title back!

Uncaught British Fish to save Brexit by swimming patriotically into European ports

FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: British fishing has all but ceased after the Brexit debacle. Small wonder that the fish are so happy. In return, the fish have collectively decided to rescue Brexit by offering themselves as a sacrifice. 

Unconfirmed reports claim that British Fish have been leaping out of the water into fishing nets. Many fishermen on the North European coast are telling tales about this strange new behaviour. 

“I was most alarmed at first,” said German fisherman Rudi Wakening. “Hundreds of mackerel, each wearing a top hat and waving a Union Jack, jumped straight into the fish store on my boat. Several of them said, ‘Chin chin, old bean!’ and gave me a cheeky wink!” 

It was the same on the French coast. 

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said an unbelieving Didi Tappen. “Pipe smoking pin striped langoustines simply threw themselves at me, shouting ‘What ho, isn’t this a jolly lark!’ I started to wonder if I wasn’t smoking something dodgy too!” 

This story was so intriguing, that LCD Views sought out a fish whisperer to interview one of the piscine patriots. 

“We decided it was time to act, old boy,” said a very British herring, who gave his name simply as Nemo. “One cannot stand by, well, float by, and allow one’s government to get in the way of our patriotic duty to feed dastardly Europeans, what?” 

You can’t argue with that. 

“There’s absolutely no point swimming to a British port, I say,” continued Nemo. “Hardly any British people like us any more. Once, they caught us, smoked us, and called us kippers, old thing. Now the only kippers are the loony nationalists who caused all this fuss. Gave us a bad name, old chap. So I’m off to Denmark with my blue passport instead. Toodle pip, old boy!”

One thing is certain. The whole affair is distinctly fishy. 

Downing Street confirms Boris Johnson was napping when Brexit Deal was negotiated

POWER NAP ACHIEVEMENT AWARD : Downing Street is under pressure today to reassure Global Britons that their PM is not asleep on the job.

“Although some have suggested it may be better for all concerned if Mr Johnson just slept until the next election, I can confirm that he will not be getting a wink. Unless he’s undertaking scheduled napping,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Those cosplay outfits don’t choose themselves you know.”

The confirmation that Mr Johnson is not sleeping will bring relief to some, who wonder how he gets any sleep at all, in consideration of what he’s responsible for.

And there is both further clarity and understanding in the statements. Especially regarding the immediate collapse of the fishing industry the instant Brexit happened to move from the realms of fantasy and into reality.

“That can be explained by the contents and bold print detail of the Brexit deal Mr Johnson agreed with the EU. Good thing he has sovereign power over trade! Imagine how much pork he will sell to China? How much cheese to Japan? And all without any knowledge of detail. That’s a very stable genius.”

But as a final point of joy for anyone concerned about snags in the new IT systems Britons, and those wishing to trade with them are having to use, the spokesman said the following,

Mr Johnson wants me to ensure you realise that he didn’t sleep a wink during his famous technology lessons. But he had a bloody good kip right after the climax of the lesson each time.”