Downing Street orders all English towns and cities to renew medieval walls before 2021

FETCHEZ LA VACHE : A NEW DICTAT FROM DOWNING STREET has served to quell rising tensions within the Tory Party today as it promises to get Britain building again, and fast.

“All English towns and cities have to renew their medieval walls before 2021,” a Downing Street source explained to LCD Views, “which potentially leaves Milton Keynes stuffed, but everyone else should be alright.”

The decision to rebuild walls long fallen into the realm of relics is because bygone days are here again.

“It’s likely we’ll see some conflict between towns and cities over bog roll and other vital consumables,” the source goes on, “especially near to motorways in the South East of the country as roaming, locally raised militias scour the landscape for supplies. Lorries stuck in endless jams due to Brexit will be prime targets. It’s only natural that towns will fight each other over the booty. Some of those conflicts will spill back to the towns and cities concerned. You don’t want a wild eyed war party just spilling into your burbs. It’s best to have a wall.”

It’s felt also the renewed walls will better allow Tory MPs to grasp the tangible benefits of Brexit.

“A lot of Brexit is about recapturing the lost, halcyon days of feudalism for the born to rule set. If you’re going to lord it over your serfs you need a stronghold capable of inspiring awe and fear.”

It’s felt the walling up of English towns will better serve the loyal communities when the border skirmishes renew with the Welsh and Scots too.

“And let’s not forget the prospect of invasion from the continent,” the source adds, “the English have a handy knack of importing governance from overseas when it all goes to pot. But this time we’re doing it for ourselves. The French will be right out of luck when they land at Dover looking to steal our fish! They’ll be faced with strongholds.”

Local stone should be used wherever possible to “lower the carbon footprint of your standard motte and bailey.”

And remember, there’s no need to shout “Fechez la vache!” if you keep your cows on the walls at all times and ready.

Check. Change. Go. We’re going to build some walls and we’re going to pay for it!

10pm bar closures don’t apply to Westminster as “MPs govern better when they’re drunk”

HIC : DOWNING STREET has moved to explain the difference in new boozy restrictions, as applied differently to the hoi polli and MPs.

“Have you tried running a country into the ground on the part of right wing think tanks?” a Downing Street source demanded, “it’s all very well to sit there criticising the bald faced hypocrisy of your betters, but have you tried being beholden to shadowy forces and dark money? Makes a man bloody thirsty!”

And thirsty is the prevailing mood amongst the governing class as the twin calamities of a seemingly intentionally mismanaged viral pandemic and Brexit ravage the country.

“You don’t manage a virus with the mental equivalent of improvised dance on a day to day basis while sober. Give me a break. Did you hear about that massive coke haul last week? That’s ruined our post Brexit trade policy in one go. The only place to go is the bar. Drown your sorrows! It’s the British way. No one else on Earth drinks. Did you know that? Hic.”

And the unrelenting torrent of verbal diarrhoea that daily comes out of Downing Street is proof of the efficacy of constant drinking. But why do commoners have to spill out of the pub at 10pm when MPs can just carry on boozing?

“We govern better when we’re drunk,” the source explained, “it’s obvious. Look at our decisions. Good thing there’s 0% tariffs on wine and spirits! Strong and stable governance is assured regardless of what happens with Brexit. And besides, if every MP spilled out of the Westminster bars for their Covid secure, chauffeur driven cars at 10pm it would result in one hell of a muddle!”

Downing Street confirms ‘The Great Wall of Kent’ will be built from abandoned HGVs

WHO NEEDS AN INTACT COUNTRY ANYWAY : DOWNING STREET have moved today to beat back the brush of accusations regarding their failure to plan for any future beyond tomorrow’s news cycle.

“We’ve made lots of plans for Kent,” an alien in a Gove meat suit said, “I personally have spread myself exceptionally thin all over Kent. The clean up will last weeks.”

But what specifically they intend, other than the surprise result of Kent being in a different customs territory than (*checks notes) the rest of England, hasn’t been made public.

“I can tell you now,” the alien manthing said (wet lips, really wet lips), “it’s clear Kent is going to need a wall and no one is going to pay for it. But the magic is they don’t have to. We’re going to build the wall from a ready supply of raw materials that will be found all along Kent motorways. And in concrete monstrosities that used to be fields with trees.”

And it’s not portaloos, dumped like unwanted dogs in fields.

“The Great Wall of Kent is going to be built from the carcasses of abandoned HGVs. They’ll be stripped by foraging Kentians first, as the wires and other bits can be sold to buy soup. But the metal frames will stack very nicely one on top of the other. I suspect the wall will be ten metres high in some areas.”

And the advantages of all this are self evident.

“We’re going to have to hide Kent from view so the rest of England doesn’t get advance notice of just how much we’ve screwed it all up, until we come for you too.”

Countycide, with a little bit of profiteering on the side. Go Conservatives!

No Deal Brexit gets rebrand so people love it

WHAT’S IN A NAME ANYWAY : Tory headbanger central is up to quality work today, as always, with a new and tangible way to improve the appeal of No Deal Brexit.

“We had to pull another rabbit out of the hat,” Mr Complete Sociopath MP told LCD Views, “WTO was wearing a bit thin, as some people started to actually understand what leaving the EU on WTO terms would mean. I would have you understand, I am not one of those people.”

To make the idea of a No Deal Brexit work the brains behind it realised they could build on Downing Street’s successful work during the Covid-19 crisis.

“We’re ordering everyone to refer to No Deal Brexit as the NHS No Deal Brexit now. That way everyone will love it.”

If the wheeze is successful it will be expanded into other areas.

“I mean we’re taking the absolute piss and getting away with it,” Mr Complete Sociopath noted, “the NHS track and trace app is Serco. So too pretty much anything we stick NHS in front of during the crisis. No one is stopping us in what is pretty bloody obvious deception in the interests of our flagrantly useless private interests. Let’s drive this stake all the way home.”

Be ready to see advertising for the NHS HS2 and NHS Heathrow third runway and NHS Universal Credit.

“We’re not sure if we’ll let Sunak in on the act though with an NHS Job Retention Scheme, after he failed to call the Covid spreader ‘Eat Out to Help Out’ the NHS Eat Out to Help Out. He missed a trick there. NHS Boris Johnson isn’t too impressed.”

Travel to Kent banned just until Dominic Raab can work out “what the hell is going on”

HOW MANY NATION TORIES : FOREIGN SECRETARY DOMINIC RAAB IS wrestling today with a Kentish dilemma.

It appears the sudden imposition of a border between Kent and the rest of the UK has baffled a man not exactly famous for reading maps.

“Poor little Dom has only just worked out that Dover and Calais are on either sides of a strip of water, but not in the manner of Buda and Pest, but in the sense of completely different countries and there’s no bridge,” an aide to the embattled Foreign Secretary told LCD Views. “But somehow trucks magically move between the two places. Mind blown!”

To now be faced with a Kent border seems to be too much to compute.

“Brexit is all about taking back control of our borders,” the aide continued, “in Northern Ireland, Gibraltar and now Kent. You would think Raab would be pleased, as he now gets to be even more international in his job, and he doesn’t even have to leave home.”

But it seems to buy time while he works through the conundrum Mr Raab has imposed a travel ban to and from Kent.

“It’s a standard play for vacuous populists and it should work with Kent. It also gives the truckers valuable practice at being stuck for days at fictional lines on maps, dogging and deciding which are the best located temporary toilets.”

Once Mr Raab works out that the border in Kent is a natural result of Brexit, a project he has championed for years while simultaneously doing zero preparation for, the travel restriction will be lifted.

“Don’t be silly. Kent now belongs effectively to France as Raab will never work out that it’s the result of his pet political project, and the non-existent interaction with Brexiters with reality, that established the border. Which at least solves the mystery of Dover-Calais. And besides, before he solves the Kent border problem he’s got to work out why he’s called the Foreign Secretary when he’s not foreign at all?”

New ‘Ministry of Ministerial Competence’ established by Downing Street

COUNTRY BEATING : Downing Street has moved today to “streamline, augment and foment” the world beating achievements of the Cummings’ government by the establishment of a shiny new ministry.

“The Ministry for Ministerial Competence will ramp up the gold standard delivery of service to our customers and clients,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and with an initial budget of £12bn it can only go in one direction.”

The Ministry’s chief duties will be to visit all serving cabinet ministers and pat them on the back. With Wednesday set aside to focus on PMQs and choral singing of validation for Boris Johnson on College Green.

“There’s too much gloomsaying and doom peddling about the achievements of ministers,” the source adds, “we aim to contradict that by having junior ministers from the new MMC go around daily and tell Priti Patel that tough love is justice. Braverman that the law is an arse. Raab that maps are for girly squats, and so on. This will ensure that the British people keep getting exactly what they voted for.”

And to help the work of the ministry there will be a new award established for political service.

“The Dido Harding Award for Public Service will be awarded annually. I have it on the sly that Coronavirus is tipped to win the award for 2020. But in consideration that Chris Grayling will be running the new Ministry, it can only be a matter of time until he awards it to himself.”

Other awards will also be handed out by the Ministry for Ministerial Competence.

“The Reward for Failure will be a prize trophy,” the source finishes, “although it’s probably going to have to be shared by the whole lot of them.”

Surrey to build a wall and make Kent pay for it

SURREY SEEMS TO BE THE HARDEST WORD: A local boundary dispute has got out of hand. The catastrophic mismanagement of, well, everything has led to another government red line. Across southeast England.

There are goodies and baddies in any dispute. In this case it is unclear which is which, although it is clear that they should be kept apart. The UK wants to jettison Kent in lieu of constructing proper border infrastructure, and the stockbrokers don’t want filthy market traders on their doorstep.

So the only answer is a wall. Not a nice neat suburban picket fence, but an insecure upper middle class twelve foot fuck off job topped with barbed wire and broken glass.

And the angry suburbanites will insist that the plebs fork out to protect their investment.

It should also protect the snobbishly named home counties from the EU. Now that Brexit has ironically ensured that the EU is allowed incursions into England, Surrey has become frontier country. It alone will try to hold back the continental evils of rabies, garlic, and proportional representation.

A trouble shared is a trouble doubled. And expect paramilitary commuters to battle guerrilla hop pickers for control of Sevenoaks in the next few months as supplies dwindle.

One man inevitably on the losing side is Nigel Farage. The Kentish Brexit evangelist finds himself on the wrong side of the divide. Thanks to EU-wide freedom of movement, it is perfectly legal to migrate from the continent to Dover. And the Brexit he sold us has landed him straight back in the EU. If he loves England so much, he should move there.

East Sussex is also considering its position. Ultimately it should decide that its position is on the South coast, hemmed in by West Sussex, the County of Free Surrey, and the EU.

And the Garden of England will be no more. Instead, it will become the Garden of Europe.

Plan to impose border between Johnson and Cummings gets go ahead

WORLD BEATING : THE UN SECURITY COUNCIL agreed overnight a plan to invade the United Kingdom.

The emergency meeting was convened initially just to laugh at memes regarding the state of the place, but soon got onto meatier subjects.

“It was the border in Kent that tipped the scales,” the French representative said, “we honestly do not want Kent to be the Garden of France. Oh my God. We just got rid of Nigel Farage and now Downing Street expects us to govern Thanet? You must be insane.”

The plan to invade, at the earliest possible moment, is said to involve an international coalition of the willing.

“Why people are willing to help out after the way you lot have carried on is a little beyond me,” the USA’s representative said, paused, looked in the mirror, and then added, “on second thoughts invading and imposing a border between Boris Johnson and that completely self-deluded headcase of fiscal and ideological incompetence, Dominic Cummings, will be good practice for when we have to separate Donald Trump from our Supreme Court come November. We’re all in!”

The tangible benefits of the new border should be apparent relatively quickly, especially in the area of the viral pandemic.

“No more herd immunity,” the Japanese representative said with a tired sigh, “we want our staff safe as they pack up our investments there and ready them to move across the channel to sanity.”

The United Kingdom itself wasn’t at the special meeting, as it wasn’t invited, but speculation is rife that it would have agreed to the plan to impose the border, had it been there. Just because its executive clearly no longer has the faintest idea what it is doing.

Downing Street confirms post Brexit Kent passports will be burgundy

BORDERING ON INSANITY : EVERYMAN MICHAEL GOVE has appeared today to speak to lesser humans about his plans for Kent, once the Brexit transition period expires at the end of this year.

“They’re going to have a lot more sovereignty than the rest of England,” Mr Gove asserted, in what some took as a tacit admission that Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland would be leaving the UK. Along with Gibraltar. Now Kent. And presumably at some point Cornwall. Devon. Sussex. Norfolk. London. Manchester. And well, the rest of it.

“And to express the unique position of Kent in England the good people of Kent will be issued with passports,” Mr Gove continued, “this will allow the truckers to prove their eligible to dog in Kent. It’s unclear yet what the cover art will be, but I suspect it will feature parked trucks and not a horse. We are talking to the public about this right now. Interest is very high. Many would like the Kent national anthem to play when you open the passport. Like a novelty greeting card. Which makes a lot of sense.”

The consultation period over the design of the special Kent passport is expected to end on December 30th, leaving more than enough time to produce the new passports for the new year.

“I expect at some point Boris Johnson will take personal control of the design process,” Mr Gove went on, “right now he is mocking up designs with empty wine crates and kid’s paint.”

But while the cover art is still up for grabs the colour of the passports is already settled.

“Burgundy. Clearly. As anyone possessing them will have more freedom of movement than anyone without one.”

Public blamed for pursuit of herd immunity

HERD IT ON THE GRATEVINE : BORIS JOHNSON is to intervene in the pandemic, being rashly enjoyed by the British people again, with words of advice.

It is hoped his personal intervention will bring clarity. We have received an advance copy of the final draft of the speech.

“Pretty much all year the British people have played around with this virus as if it’s not really that dangerous,” the PM is expected to say in a live, televised broadcast, “which it isn’t. Unless you all get it at once. Or you’re in an at risk group, or you’re just bloody unlucky.”

He’s right.

“This has made it very difficult for me to enjoy my time as your prime minister. Some days I feel as if I am the Cyclops desperately attempting to purchase a monocle, before departing on my autumn holidays in some sunny clime, wrapped in a golden fleece. Only to find myself marooned in a store selling contemporary sunglasses. This must stop.”

So far so food.

“For too long you have all treated this virus as if it’s simply a convenient way to loot the state’s coffers and increase the power of the executive. I can not tell you how irresponsible this is. It’s as if you all think you won’t notice the crippling impact of Brexit if you just stay sick?”

We’re really letting him down.

“I don’t want to order anyone to change their behaviour. In fact it’s almost impossible for me to believe anyone would act in the interests of other people. This is because I am incapable of such behaviour. But you simply must stop following my advice. In fact if you do not I will have to put what few remaining soldiers we have left, after a decade of ill considered austerity, onto the streets.”

All very sensible. It all makes complete sense.

“So I urge you now. I implore you. You must stop your reckless pursuit of herd immunity. I must be allowed to enjoy my time as your prime minister. This job is supposed to be fun. You are ruining it for me. I don’t want to call you all selfish. I want to call you pathetic little worms crawling about underneath Dom’s feet. But I can’t. So I won’t. By the way I am like a big, hungry caterpillar which Dom has put on an apple. This all makes sense.”

Complete and total sense.

“And I commend this speech to the house. We’re finished aren’t we? It’s my nap time. I’m not entirely sure which house I am commending this speech too. It depends who I’m shagging on any given day of the week.”

It’s hoped the broadcast will go viral. We can all feel safer now that the prime minister has given a speech.