Bank of England to be renamed “Bank of Ingerland”

LITTLE INGERLAND : The new Guvnor of the Bank of England isn’t going to take bullying by the EU laying down, he’s going to take it on like the full blooded John Bull that he is.

“The EU need to get it through their thick ‘eads that they can’t just come over to our borough and treat us like c” an aide working for the financial tough guy told LCD Views. Unfortunately the line dropped out.

It seems the EU is bullying the UK, after forcing us to leave the bloc and all it’s mutually beneficial arrangements, and we’re not going to take it. No one gets to treat the UK like a third country! Even if we demanded it.

We managed to re-establish the line and continue the call.

“I mean, have we got ‘screw me’ written across our foreheads? Yes? NO? I’m not sure. I haven’t looked in the mirror since England overwhelmingly voted to take the UK out of the EU. Can you have a look and tell me?”

It seems the decision to establish the UK as a direct competitor to the failing EU is having some consequences no one on Earth could possibly have foreseen.

“What have half a billion of the richest people on Earth got to bring to the party? Nuffink. Pricks. We’ve been insulting them for years from our highest offices of state. They should KNOW THERE PLAICE BY NOW! BUT NO. NO! NOW BAILEY IS GONNA HAV’ TO GO ROUND THERES AND GIVE THEM A TASTE OF THEY’RE OWN MEDICINE.”

From there the interview contained something about sovirrentee, whatever that is, and a red faced scream at reality.

All well and good. We’ll show them.

“Andy is gonna change the name of the Bank of England to the Bank of Ingerland, then those clever dicks in Brussels will know exactly what their dealing with. Where gonna stick Union Flags on oar bank notes to. And im going too personanally tear up any filthy Euros I can get my hands on. Sea how they like that.”

That’ll do it. Global Britain. No one can stop us now. Especially not the people we’ve told to shove it.

“Little England sunshine. Get it right. Show some respect.”

Fish who can’t answer who was Archbishop of Canterbury in 1456 no longer allowed in British fishing nets

TOUGH ON FISHING AND THE CAUSES OF FISHING : George Eustice is in the news a lot lately, mostly lying his arse off, as he tries to stave off the disaster his boss Boris Johnson has caused in the UK’s fishing industry. But he is not alone anymore.

No less a heavyweight than Home Secretary Priti “lock ’em up” Patel has weighed in to assist with the struggle to save the fishing fleets from the rocks of global trade.

“This is a welcome helping hand,” an aide to George “Useless” Eustice told LCD Views. “The Home Office is extending the British citizenship criteria to European fish stocks. This will help ensure only British fish are caught in British waters by British fishermen using British fishing nets cast from British fishing boats. It will mean there’s even more British fish for Britons to eat. And with that much British involved there is no reason why this isn’t an exceptional and world beating move.”

The joining forces of the Environmental Secretary and the Head of Incarcerating Desperate People Fleeing War Zones Using British Munitions Secretary will mean it is guaranteed now that the future of British fishing is secure.

“Any European fish that can’t answer basic questions about British life and culture such as ‘Who was the Archbishop of Cantebury in 1456?’ will no longer be allowed to be caught. They will be told to aboutface and swim back to France. Clearly British fish won’t be asked the same questions because bugger all will know the answer. But that’s not the point.”

Liz Truss to sell surplus British Pork to UK government

MAKING A PIG’S EAR OF THINGS: We are opening up new pork markets in Global Britain, announced Trade Supremo Liz Truss today. British Farmers are producing British Pork, so therefore British People are bloody well going to eat it.

British Pork is going to waste, she reports, after normal shipments to the EU have been stymied by a plethora of paperwork. The solution is simple, declared Mastermind Liz. The UK shall go the whole hog and buy the lot.

“We happy Brits are going to pig out!” exclaimed Truss, wagging her curly tail happily. “We are bringing home the bacon! It is the patriotic duty of every loyal British Citizen to buy and eat British Pork! Get your snouts in the trough, and eat for Britain!”

The news was particularly well received by vegetarians, and other people who do not eat pork.

“This. Is. A. Dis. Grace!” spluttered vegetarian Meetal Ternative. “I’m not changing my ways just because that ridiculous old ham says so!”

Unfortunately, the porky Prime Ministerial pork sword pusher, Boris Johnson, thinks that compulsory pork consumption is an excellent idea.

“This is one in the eye for those pigheaded EU swine!” he quipped. “We are bringing home the bacon! – what what? Oh, you’ve already done that one? Ah. Erm. Splendid, splendid, good work, wiff waff, erm, yes, well, erm, excellent!”

The government will, grudgingly, pay almost market rate for the pork. Except if the farmer is a Tory donor, in which case it will spaff untold millions on a single joint of mass-produced gammon.

It will be made obligatory for every Brit to eat pork at every meal. They will gladly pay through the snout for the privilege. Bacon for breakfast, chops for lunch, gammon for dinner, pork scratchings with your evening pint once the pubs have reopened.

Have we been sold a pig in a poke? Or is this just another load of porkies?

Royal Mail issues postage stamp listing all the honest statements made by the Prime Minister

DO NOT INJEST : THE ROYAL MAIL has weighed in today to assist Britain’s embattled personification of the Tower of Babel with a special collection of new stamps dedicated to the prime minister.

“The new stamps are in a special class of stamp created just to honour Boris Johnson,” a Royal Mail marketing whizz told LCD Views. “These are the first 10th class stamps we have ever issued. They’re pretty much useless.”

The stamps, which are smaller than the famous Penny Black, are the first blank postage stamps ever produced.

“There are rumours that the stamps aren’t blank but have the PM’s honest statements written on them in lemon or some other invisible ink. That is not the case. We have faithfully printed all of Boris Johnson’s honest statements on the stamps, as you can see for yourself.”

The reason for the creation of the special 10th class was also due to the unique nature of the man being honoured.

“His promises aren’t first class, his delivery isn’t even second class. We took inspiration from the monthly grand building project that Downing Street announces to distract from the many scandals accumulating about his cabinet. And the management of the pandemic is really not even 10th class. Unless you’re the actual virus, than I guess it’s first class.”

The stamps too will cost a pretty penny due to the rising costs of the paper they’re printed on.

“The paper for our stamps comes from France. Clearly there’s been some small inflationary pressures since Brexit got done.”

Fittingly also the stamps are not for international use and can only be used to send domestic letters and packages within England.

“You should think yourself lucky that they allow your letter to travel that far! The situation is under review. It maybe soon that you can only use them to send letters to yourself.”

The Boris Johnson stamp collection – in a class of its own, just like the man himself.

Gavin Williamson to vaccinate all teachers against Communism before Covid

IDEOLOGICAL PROPHYLATICS : EDUCATION WUNDERKIND Gavin Williamson has set himself in the trenches of the culture war against the wrongheaded forces plaguing our great nation that believe you shouldn’t keep up statues of slavers.

He’s there on the front lines of the ideological struggle to keep Britain grating. With his bayonet like mind and the whip he keeps on his desk, just for photos, not because he’s trying to convince the Tory boys and girls that he’s kinky enough to be in their club, he will take the fight to the woke.

But in spite of his valiant efforts to threaten to sue Greenwich Council last year just because the soft underbelly of our society thought sending teachers and students into school with the virus raging was stupid, some are still unable to see what they face in Gav.

“Stop talking to me about vaccinating teachers,” Mr Williamson is expected to tell a press conference later today. “They’ve had nearly a year off. They should all be well rested and ready to get back into the work place. I know this because I am an education specialist who did his time as a second rate fireplace salesman. The attitude of teachers is a bigger scandal than the perfectly sensible policy of saying schools are safe, even while teachers were catching Covid.”

But Willy knows where the threat lies really and he’s ready for it.

“The mighty powers of science marshalled together by Global Britain have developed vaccinations against the pandemic, but that’s not why I’m here today. Shortly 10m students and nearly 1m staff will return to schools in England and we have to be ready for the struggle to win the hearts and minds of the future. We will win this not by vaccinating teachers against the physical virus, but by inoculating those soft layabout lefties against Communism. That’s where the real threat lies. If we don’t act swiftly our children will grow up asking about rebellions and plagues in India in the time of The Raj. And it’s all downhill from there to hammer and sickleville.”

And how is Gavin going to vaccinate teachers against the red menace?

“I have a spider,” he will remind everyone. “I have a spider.”

Are you ready for it? Ready to save capitalism by sacrificing your life to teach fronted adverbials to plague ridden eight year olds in person? If you’re ready Gavin is ready for you.

*terms and conditions apply, it’s not certain everyone will survive.

Dominic Raab in favour of establishing “new garden city in Antarctica” and exporting to it

THE FAR SIDE OF CREDIBILITY AND BEYOND : NO LESS A SUPERPOWER OF VISIONARY POSSIBILITIES than Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary Dominic “pulsating vein” Raab is rumoured to be pushing to establish a new British colony on Antarctica.

The completely fabricated rumours suggest that Raab is believed to see the possibilities of the United Kingdom becoming self-sufficient in “tropical produce like bananas, passionfruits and teas” just like “all the other countries of the Southern Hemisphere”.

It’s believed Raab got the idea for the project when looking at a FCO map of Antarctica from 1914 and finding the massive southern continent was entirely white.

“It’s a blank canvas,” Raab is rumoured to have declared. “It’s all white. There’s nothing there. We can build whatever we like. We can farm. Fish. Make skyscrapers. We need to get there before the French.”

Clearly also we can “draw whatever lines we like on that map. It will be like the 19th century, the 1920’s all over again. I’m just amazed no one has got there first. Sometimes it takes an Englishman.”

Liz Truss is also believed to support the project, with the suggestion being she sees the possibility of a fully taxpayer funded trade mission to Antarctica and a smashing series of photographs with Union Jacks and “Penguins. Polar Bears. Eskimos. Igloos. The lot!”

It’s further thought that once the garden city is up and running it will attract massive investment and create great demand for British products.

“Mr Johnson will announce a feasibility study shortly,” the source adds. “Just as soon as another corruption and lawbreaking scandal hits the cabinet.”

Downing Street search for a Brexiter who likes Brexit ends in failure

KARMIC AVALANCHE : NOW THAT THE UNITED KINGDOM IS FINALLY FREE TO TAKE IT’S PLACE IN THE 19TH CENTURY AS A FULLY SOVEREIGN, INDEPENDENT, BUCCANEERING, GLOBAL TRADING, RED TAPE SLASHING, JAM AND PORK PRODUCT EXPORTING, ALTERNATIVE ARRANGEMENTS BORDER MANUFACTURERING SUPERPOWER OFF THE COAST OF CONTINENTAL EUROPE YOU’D THINK EVERYONE WOULD BE HAPPY. Especially Brexiters.

But not so.

In spite of the ferocious analysis, research and preparation for mass manipulation of public attitudes, and some minor electoral crime, in preparation for Brexit, it seems now that we’re free no one is happy with it.

“I’m shocked,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Boris is stunned too. Carrie is rocked. Dylin the prop dog can barely leave the cupboard he’s kept in between photoshoots. It’s all incredibly confusing. Johnson was so concerned he is rumoured to have already asked Gove to set up a unit and find someone, anyone who is happy with it.”

The unit, nicknamed ‘Bollocks’ by SPADS, is said to have been in operation for several weeks already.

“They’ve scoured the land to find ordinary people, business people, MPs even, really anyone prepared to be the face of a mass advertising campaign saying how happy they are with Brexit. Nothing. Nada. Null. Zilch. Zero.”

But in spite of the initial failure in the UK to find someone who is happy, there is a potential line to follow, and not the usual ones for Gove.

“He’s asked the Unit to go to Amsterdam, as soon as the pandemic eases, and interview people there in financial services. He’ll probably find some Dutch that are happy with Brexit. Basically we’ll get a bunch of grinning EU27 people to appear in the campaign. Many of them have seen their business gain exponentially from Brexit. They’ll be happy to tell us how great it is. Then the great British public, especially those famous internationalists who support Brexit, will see how we’ve made a success of it.”

Like everything related to Brexit, this can’t fail.

Royal Mint produces ONE MILLION pound note – “The Matt”, only for paying for PPE

EXIT VIA THE GIFT SHOP : THE ROYAL MINT has released a new bank note this morning to better assist the Secretary of State for Health and Social Care doing his vital work during the pandemic.

The assistance comes in the form of a new bank note, “The Matt”, which is a one million pound note produced specifically for the purchase of PPE from friends of Matt.

“You won’t get this in your change at the off licence, don’t worry!” an aide to the friendly Health Secretary told LCD Views. “Unless you run a shop next to the home of one of Matt’s friends. Or near to where someone who once spoke kindly to Hancock at a party lives. Then I guess you may have to give change in exchange for a Matt.”

While the new banknote is not the first to be issued in the denomination, it is the first to honour a serving secretary of state.

“Matt is really chuffed. He can now pay for PPE supplies, that may or may not work, with cold hard cash. It’s much nicer. More personal than simply moving figures about on a computer screen from the taxpayers’ bank account to some guy who poured him a pint once.”

But there is some hope for ordinary Britons who worry they’ll never get to hold a Matt in their hands, especially now that he’s such a celebrity befriending him is becoming increasingly difficult.

“All is good time. Once the impact of a lethal and bungled pandemic policy and Brexit flow into the domestic economy you’ll be using Matts to pay for loaves of bread. Wheelbarrows of them.”

Who needs a roadmap? We’ve got satnav, says Boris Johnson

YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR DESTINATION: Boris Johnson has a technological solution to sell you. A roadmap out of lockdown? No, that’s old hat. We have satnav! Put in your postcode, and keep turning far right.

Except it’s not a postcode you punch in, it’s the date you want lockdown to end. That’s democracy in action!

The technology has been developed by a bunch of well-connected posh boys. It works almost as well as the useless covid app that was developed using the same principle, and costs much, much more. It’s a shame they didn’t ask Fatima to do the job, or even Jennifer Arcuri.

This hasn’t stopped Matt Hancock claiming the credit for it.

But this momentous moment belongs to Boris Johnson, not Hancock. The man who brought you fictional (albeit horribly expensive) tunnels and bridges now wants to drive covid out of town.

“We need to be cautiously reckless,” said a remarkably un-Boris like Johnson at the daily briefing. “Stick to the speed limit, keep your distance, which is still 2 metres by the way, wiff waff, no, sorry, I’m being serious now, mirror, signal, manoeuvre, and pull out!”

 Words to inspire great confidence.

So it’s time to chuck out the sad, coffee-stained roadmap we all have somewhere, and get with the 21st century. The Lockdown Satnav will detect all the bumps in the road that mysteriously appeared after Brexit. It will lead you down all kinds of diversions while the government wants you to look the other way, 

Early prototypes actually speak in Boris Johnson’s voice. “At the vaccination centre, take the second exit, no, the third exit, no, erm, yes, erm, marvellous, tempus fugit old chap, look, I need a power nap, OK?”

Eventually, though, the Lockdown Satnav will do what all satnavs do, sooner or later. It will take you home. Or, in other words, you will be right back where you started.

“Boris Johnson stole my toupee” – claims golden retriever called Trevor

GET OFF THE SOFA TREVOR : The over excited cocker spaniel of European politics, English Prime Minister Boris Johnson, is facing yet another rolled up newspaper this morning after a disturbing accusation last night that he’s a very bad boy indeed.

The accusation centres on the location of a missing hairpiece belonging to a golden retriever called Trevor. We spoke to Trevor to test the validity of his claims, meeting with him this morning at his 1930’s semi-detached family home in a suburb he preferred was not named.

“I admit I shouldn’t have been where I was at the time,” Trevor began. “I was just over seven miles from home. But I was only out for my exercise, as is allowed under the current restrictions? I mean, I just did what any father would do?”

And it’s at that point we noticed the forlorn collection of puppies by the fireplace in Trevor’s living room. Huddled together for warmth and seemingly happy.

“They spend far too much time these days online playing Bollox, or whatever it is the pups are into now. But I don’t have the heart to limit their screen time in this tantric pandemic. Just so long as they’ve practiced going to the toilet on some newspaper first, and fetched at least one ball, a stick and my slippers. It’s not a free for all.”

But it seems for someone it is a free for all…

“I was at a park I would rather not name when he approached me. Shambling wreck of a man who was running or drunk. It was hard to tell. Or he may have been both, judging by his smell.”

But what makes Trevor certain it was the prime minister?

“He spoke to me in 80’s environmental cliches, something about treehuggers, and Ancient Greek. There’s only one person who thinks that is appropriate. I think I was supposed to be disarmed. He said he just wanted to pat my head. But as he lent down to do it the wind caught his hair and pulled it in all directions. It was obvious then that he was growing it long to cover over a spreading bald patch. It’s why he stole my toupee. His motivation being his mounting insecurity over his own virility.”

Downing Street has not responded to questions over the incident, either to deny or confirm.

“They’ll probably say he was miles away pretending to be a scientist or a doctor? Doing his usual thing of interrupting the work of vital public services instead of his actual job of running the country. But I know it was him. I think he needs to be stopped now before he strikes again. If it were down to me he’d already be listed under the dangerous dogs act.”