Boris Johnson invites NHS staff to apply to redecorate his flat to earn extra income

EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON, the last of his kind, has taken a decisive step this morning to head off the growing furore over the sub-inflation pay rise offered to NHS staff in Rishi Sunak’s fantasy budget this week.

“He’s new to the job,” the PM told reporters over a Zoom link. “You have to be patient. He is just doing what he’s told. The Chancellor before him showed a minor streak of independent thought so we had to get rid of him. But Rishi is just so happy to be involved with the big kids he’ll do anything. Including stiff the NHS after a year in which hundreds of them have died due to insufficient PPE at the start of the crisis. And arguably because of my aborted decision to be a good time guy and try and save Christmas. Did you see January’s mortality rates? Holy hell! Don’t let the press get wind of it or they’ll never shut up about it.”

But while it took the PM a while to get to the reason for his address, he did in the end address the subsistence wages he expects NHS staff to live on.

“Look, you have to keep the field competitive. How many highly trained nurses will leave the NHS to go and work for privately owned agencies supplying nurses to the NHS if we pay them properly? It’s not as simple as just giving them a pay rise that respects their sacrifices. They’ve also been given a lot of applause. People tend to forget that.”

When asked what a nurse should do if they really just can’t make ends meet, the PM showed his generous streak.

“I would invite them to come to my home,” he said. “Carrie is out of control with the redecorating expenses. There’s a lot still to do. Painting. Laying flooring. Installing new bathrooms. They can pick up some additional cash in hand work pitching in.”

You know the address.

“Also, there’s babysitting and prop dog walking. They can top up their wages in their free time, help me keep the bally refurb costs down, and feel patriotic while they’re at it. It’s an opportunity that’s too good to miss.”

“10 days to find Brazilian case as Track & Trace was busy finding new wallpaper variant” – Downing Street

MONEY AND TIME WELL SPENT : DOWNING STREET has responded to queries regarding the impressive timeframe in tracking down the Brazilian variant, and responded fast.

“Of course it took a lot of time. We just let it walk off the plane and through the airport and onto public transport,” a 10 Downing Street spokesmen revealed. “Do you know how many people there are in the UK? That’s a lot of people to check. A lot of doors to knock on and ask if the person with the dangerous new mutation lives there. Or they could be in a hotel. Or they could be mountaineering. Or they could be disguised as a newt. It’s not as simple as just controlling our borders.”

How many people the individual in question has passed the new mutation of concern to during in the intervening 10 days isn’t clear, as for 10 days no one knew where they were.

“We will find out in the next week or two after all the schools reopen at once. Happily we’re not testing staff and students before they return to in class teaching. That gives us an element of surprise and anticipation which should add nicely to what will be a fevered period in this nation’s history.”

But when pushed further, given that so far £37bn has been spent on Track and Trace, Downing Street did provide some welcome clarification.

“Look, have a heart. Dido Harding has spent the last two weeks re-tasking Track and Trace to find just the right nosebleed design of new wallpaper to keep Carrie happy at Downing Street. There’s more going on than just the plague. Sometimes I wonder if you people really have your eye on what’s most important in this time.”

Downing Street responds to pressure to provide decent pay rise for nurses with Spitfire flypast

BATTLE OF BORIS : Few can forget where they were last year when Boris Johnson emerged from hospital after contracting Covid to thank the NHS for healing him. Few can, but Boris Johnson can.

Now in order to remind everyone just how serious his amnesia is the people’s Prime Minister has signed off on a sub-inflation pay rise for the NHS to show the depth of his gratitude.

“What sort of message would it send if we started giving whinging lefties pay rises instead of just exploiting their good nature for our own benefit?” a Downing Street source asked us and we don’t know why.

“Many public sector workers, be they in the NHS or schools, do so out of a passion to care for their fellow men, women and children. That good nature is ripe for exploitation and we’re not going to miss any opportunity to do just that.”

There is however a rumble of outrage in the country over the astronomical pisstaking by a government that can give its mates £37bn for a track and trace service that doesn’t work, enrich everyone Matt Hancock has ever met for substandard or non-existent PPE, but not give a fig about the workers who have been dying during the pandemic.

“Everyone just needs to calm down,” the source advises. “We’re also going to give the NHS workers a Spitfire flypast. And for patriotic Brits that’s more important than paying the rent.”

Government reveals flag to be flown over “free ports”

TAX BREAKS AHOY : The United Kingdom’s government is now captain of a buccaneering, free trading, red tape slashing, stolen Man o’ War of global trade and they want everyone to know it.

Part of the great break out is the ability to let their donors and backers do whatever the hell they like when it comes to tax and all those pesky rules and regulations that are just so boring, and really only lead to a slighter smaller offshore bank account and a functioning democracy.

“This is why we are establishing the entire U.K. as a free port for the world’s freebooters,” a swaggering source at 10 Downing Street declared. “Jam the matches into your beards and light them! We’re off to conquer the rules based order! Arrrr!”

The decision to declare openly that the country is now into piracy chimes nicely too with the decision to encourage smuggling across our borders.

“We don’t want to be bringing in customs checks and all that pernickety nonsense. It’s why we intend to unilaterally not do it, no matter what the staid old empire across the sea says. Fill your boots me hearties! Then walk right into Blighty!”

But just in case anyone hasn’t gotten the message of what the shiny new brig of Brexit Britain is about on the rolling waves of global commerce, one more signal is being sent up the main mast.

“The Free Ports won’t have to fly the Union Jack. Not that they could what with them all being in the living rooms of Tory MPs. No. Free ports will fly a much more traditional banner to declare we are open for business. The Jolly Rodger! The skull and cross bones! The black and white flag that will strike terror into Brussels! Way ho and off we go! What do we do with the drunken sailor? We make him prime minister!”

One thing is certain as the U.K. begins its buccaneering Brexit adventure, the UK’s crew of voters are getting a jolly good rodgering.

Boris Johnson to enter European talks dressed as a meat patty in a bun – Ich bin ein hamburger

MEAT AND GREET: Boris Johnson is to go on a charm offensive in Europe. To curry favour, he will raid his dressing up box, and dress up as a Big Mac. A large fries will be included as French dressing.

The 10 Downing Street costume department, which is to receive an upgrade thanks to charitable Tory donors, discussed other options. One idea that held sway for a while was to dress as a German sausage, with the tagline “Do your wurst!”. In the end, it didn’t quite cut the mustard.

So the hamburger option was preferred. But not a cheeseburger, as that would have been just too cheesy.

Mayonnaise was preferred to ketchup, which was considered a bit too saucy.

A large serving of coke was also included. Rumour suggests that Michael Gove will be accompanying the Prime fillet beef Minister on this occasion.

Johnson is expected to leave his official aeroplane in full regalia. He will wave the fries in the air, carefully remove the unwanted gherkin, and announce “Ich bin ein hamburger!” That will give Johnny European food for thought.

There will be much to get their teeth into. Bread and butter talks on regulations, mitigating the worst effects of Brexit, how not to breach an international treaty etc. will take place, while Johnson amuses himself by throwing bread rolls at everyone.

Brexit is a dog’s dinner, and Johnson knows it. Trouble is, the only way he knows to operate is to act the gooseberry fool. This is no trifling matter, and the reality is likely to be begging for crumbs off the table.

His Big Mac act will butter no parsnips. Although superficially attractive, it is insubstantial and fatty, and leaves behind a nasty taste in the mouth. And that’s even after discarding the gherkin.

Johnson is toast. He really takes the biscuit.

Sunak records Rick Astley cover album in bid to replace Johnson as UK’s heart throb

TOGETHER FOREVER : The UK’s one man political boy band, Rishi Sunak, is set to step it up a gear in his blatant attempt to woo the affections of British voters away from the mad haired, fat, old, clueless slob currently doing his Elvis at Vegas impression inside 10 Downing Street.

And Sunak’s steps will be synchronised with himself all alone as he enters the recording studio to lay down an album of Rick Astley covers! We begged a few moments of the Chancellor’s time to find out more.

Q : “Thank you for agreeing to see us Chancellor, or should I say prime minister?”

A : “Still just Chancellor for now. But call again next week and you never know.”

Sunak flashed us one of his trademark smiles and we swooned.

Q : “Let’s get right into the heavy stuff. No, I don’t mean whether or not Eat Out to Help Out led to the early demise of people from a case of the sniffles.”

We both laughed. Oh, how we laughed, yesterday’s travails already forgot.

A : “Phew! You had me going there for a moment. Between you and me I sleep really well at night. All tucked up not thinking about Brexit or colds. Just dreaming of the moment I have my people tear out all that tacky stuff Princess Nut Nuts has jammed into the PM’s flat and replace it with pictures of me.”

Q : “And the album of Rick Astley covers is part of your push to replace Boris?”

Another winning smile!

A : “How did you guess? But seriously, Rock Astle’s songs have always been close to my heart. Never Going To Give You A Respectable Pay Rise In Spite Of Hundreds Of You Dying is my gift to the NHS.”

Together Forever? I don’t think you can say that about Johnson and Sunak.

Boris Johnson to erect a statue of Mel Gibson in Scotland to strengthen Union

DEADHEART : The UK’s last prime minister, Boris Johnson, is to attend an unveiling ceremony later this month in Scotland.

The reason for the special trip north is not solely to dress in hi-vis gear (although it’s guaranteed there will be some at some stage), nor to pose as a scientist, or to interrupt an entire day’s vaccination efforts at a vaccination centre. This time it’s a statue.

“He’s going to dress as Edward I for the ceremony,“ a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “That’ll please the Unionists and get the SNP on side. After the ceremony he’ll do a costume change and put on a special Union Jack kilt he’s had made just for the day. That’s where the hi-vis comes in and the kilt is fluorescent.”

But what statue could possibly cause the PM to take time out of his busy schedule of not governing the country? Burbs? Bruce? Some other chap with a surname starting with B?

“He’s paid millions to have a statue of the famous Scottish independence leader Mel Gibson cast in tin foil. Mel really stuck it to the rightful English rulers of Scotland back in the days when they were mostly still French. Mr Johnson thinks this will promote unity by exploring the deep and enduring legacy between our two countries. Also by reminding the Scots how much shared history we have giving it to the French. The statue is going to be erected in Stirling, no one really knows why.”

A special screening of a documentary about Mel Gibson’s life called ‘Braveheart’ will take place after the statue is erected, although the prime minister is expected to have drunk himself into a stupor by then.

British Overseas Aid to be replaced with just Union Jack flags sent to needy countries

WRAP UP GOOD AND WARM IN IT : The UK’s prime minister is a famous humanitarian and with the latest budget from his government comes heartwarming measures for the world’s neediest.

While some commentators have been distracted by trifling concerns such as a halving of the aid budget to Yemen, while arms sales to Saudi Arabia go from strength to strength, so they can drop them on Yemen, sharp eyed reporters have noticed a benevolent step forwards.

“We can confirm that funding for Union Jack flag purchases has been increased to £350m per week,” a treasury source told LCD Views. “We’re a little miffed it didn’t get more coverage. People get bogged down in poverty wages for nurses and miss the important stuff.”

The funding is especially directed, as with the flag purchases, to benefit some of the world’s poorest and most troubled.

“It was actually a brainwave of Priti Patel’s. Which is not something that is often said. Ha!”

It seems the thinking is that one way to stop all these desperate people risking their lives to escape danger and make it to the sanctuary of a disused army barracks in Kent is to send them something British.

“If they have a British flag at home then they can wrap up nice and warm in it and they won’t need to come here and upset Nigel Farage. He’s busy enough as it is trying to save the fishing industry, which apparently he helped wreck. It’s really a stroke of genius by the Home Secretary. We should be thanked for it.”

Biden appoints cabinet minister solely tasked with phoning 10 Downing Street daily about Johnson’s latest threat to GFA

IT’S GOOD TO TALK : The new President of the United States, Joe Biden, has a lot on his plate. He’s four years of Donald Trump to repair, and also attempt to tackle the reasons why Donald Trump happened in the first place. His life would be somewhat simpler if he didn’t also have to spare a thought for Britain Trump.

To streamline things it is rumoured he is about to appoint a special, and new, member to his cabinet solely tasked with focusing on Boris Johnson and the disaster of his premiership.

“The President has enough domestic issues and ongoing international crises without having to constantly pick up the phone to deal with that overgrown toddler in 10 Downing Street,” a source inside the White House told LCD Views. “So he’s given someone the task of dedicating themselves to it. Otherwise he risks spending almost as much time on the phone to Johnson as Trump did at golf.”

For his part the British Prime Minister is said to be really happy at the decision, because it means he’s actually been noticed.

“This shows the special relationship is as strong as its been since Churchill and whoever was the president of the United States then,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “As close as when George Dubya gave Tony ‘T-Bone’ Blair a bomber jacket and turned his head so completely he agreed to invade Iraq on spurious evidence. We’re really thrilled. Boris is just sat next to his phone waiting for it to call.”

And waiting for the newest Biden appointee to phone will have other benefits.

“The PM is having his head done in by his girlfriend’s attempts to buy Russian flag wallpaper for the 11 Downing Street flat. At least now he can pretend he’s working whenever she tries to drag him into all that.”

Brexiter MPs slam Remainers for not pointing out strongly enough the dangers of Brexit

IF YOU’D ONLY SAID SOMETHING : A powerful group of Conservative MPs have slammed the now defunct Remain movement for not sufficiently warning about the dangers of Brexit.

The move comes as the harm caused by the United Kingdom’s decision to leave the EU grows daily and it is feared will soon swamp the UK’s system of government.

“If only they’d taken the time to point out why jumping headfirst into an industrial sized woodchipper was a bad idea,” Cumblefookwit Sythe-Pinchmore, MP for Himself, told LCD Views. “Nothing. Zilch. All they did was go for a few weekend walks and wave flags about. I didn’t hear anything about the blindingly obvious consequences of jumping into a pool of hungry sharks holding a steak. Did you?”

What the Remain movement will make of the condemnation isn’t entirely clear, with both main English political parties still justifying Brexit as a concept.

“We should raise a special remainer tax so the people whose responsibility it was to point out that sticking your head into a live wasps nest while singing Elgar was a bad idea can pay for Brexit. I’ll be drafting a private member’s bill to this end, just as soon as I can get my hands on some crayons and butcher’s paper.”

Other Conservative MPs are being more proactive, however, with the ERG once again morphing into a new parliamentary grouping. It will continue to be focused on “research”, which hitherto doesn’t seem to have produced anything but a bit of a grift on the public purse for no intelligence.

“The BRG will be different,” an ERG/BRG spokesman reassured. “The Blame Research Group will be highly motivated to solving the looming difficulty of how to blame other people for the downsides of our political project. Especially how to blame exactly the people who said don’t do it.”