Stay at home parents told to invoice their children to avoid being classified as “economically inactive”

WE’RE TALKING ABOUT A REVOLUTION : THE HOME OFFICE has issued stout advice today to the millions of “economically inactive” Britons, just slumming about raising kids, caring for infirm or elderly members of their communities, being infirm themselves or wasting their time incurring massive debts over text books.

“The notion of the unpaid labour of women is right out the window,” a Home Office red eyed, laser sighting, metal talon clawed robot advised, “so too the labour of stay at home dads and the like. 2020? Get on your bike! We’re turning the clock back to a golden age.”

But there is a way to avoid the stigma of being classed as “economically inactive”, should patriotic Britons so desire.

“It’s easy,” the robot went on, it’s head rotating faster and faster, “primary carers are advised to begin billing their infants with invoices that will be liable to VAT, given the sheer amount of cost involved.”

To make it easier the Home Office will be releasing suggested charging schedules for duties such as nappy changing, colic treatment, outside excursions, sleep services and so on.

“Although the free market will ultimately decide the level any duty is charged at in Brexitannia.”

Clearly also elderly relatives, the disabled – if being cared for by family members, and others should also now be charged, so as to not stain their carers with the new shame of economic inactivity.

“It will have the added advantage of bringing younger members of the community out of schools and into the workforce much earlier,” the robot added, it’s eyes heating up and ready to burn, “which will alleviate the pressure to fund schools. It’s really a win win for everyone.”

There’s no sitting about just letting the computer algorithms of the casino traders now running the government do all the work for you. If you have a child, it needs to know it needs to pay. As we all will.

UK officially losing its Marbles

The world has gone mad. The UK, having collectively lost its marbles, is about to lose its Marbles as well.

The Easiest Deal In History is looking less simple with every passing day. All the grudgingly suppressed ill feeling about the arrogant Brits is coming to the surface, now the UK has left the EU. The only surprise is that, having constantly insulted and complained about the EU, anyone is surprised at all.

Any deal requires give and take. The Greeks, presumably with the rest of the EU giggling behind their hands, are demanding the return of the Elgin Marbles. If not, they say, then you can forget about any trade in olive oil. And you can forget about Popeye, too.

What if other EU countries followed suit? The Italians might threaten to sue the UK for cultural appropriation of pizza, pasta and prosecco unless shops only stock genuine Italian ingredients.

German car manufacturers could hold the UK to ransom by refusing to sell us any more BMWs, Audis and VWs unless we promise to NEVER MENTION THE FUCKING WAR EVER AGAIN.

The French are rumoured to be withholding wine, brie and camembert until every episode of ‘Allo ‘Allo has been wiped.

Spain will happily supply us with oranges and other citrus fruit in exchange for repatriating all the British expats currently living there.

Every EU country with a grudge against the UK now has the perfect excuse to extract retribution. You want to behave like entitled spoilt brats? Go right ahead. Two can play at that game. We’ll soon see who needs who more than who, n’est-ce pas? Schadenfreude ist gut, ja? Capisce?

If the threat against the Marbles proves to be genuine, Crime Minister Boris Johnson has threatened to lock himself inside the British Museum. Having done this, he will lie down on the floor in front of them to prevent their removal. The security guards will attempt to apprehend him, whereupon Boris will hide in the nearest fridge and refuse to come out until Dominic Cummings arrives to rescue him.

This is Brexit Britain. The country has lost its marbles.

FLOODS : COBRA meet after cellar at PM’s holiday home floods – supply of Chateau Bojolais 1868 cut off

THIS TIME IT’S PERSONAL : 10 Drowning Street’s spokesmen are in a chipper and can do mood this afternoon, batting away moaning minnies carping on about Boris Johnson’s failure to react to the national flood emergency.

“It wasn’t an emergency before,” Mr Incell (recently recruited from the 1930’s) asserted, “because neither Mr Johnson nor his chums were overtly affected. But now it’s personal.”

And personal it is clearly is, with reports that the persistent and heavy rain has flooded the cellars at Chevening House, where Mr Johnson is enjoying a well earned break from responsibility by chasing about a young filly with a switch.

“It’s not cricket,” Mr Incell continued, “if it wasn’t for the minimum rainfall levels forced upon the UK by the EU this would not be happening. At least once we’re free of the shackles of Brussels we will save money on flood defences by not needing any.”

But why has COBRA finally been convened today, when the flood emergency has been ongoing for over a week?

“Well the cellars at Chevening House only flooded this morning,” Mr Incell added, soberly, “no access to the crates of Chateau Bojolais 1868 gifted to Mr Johnson by a secretive donor? If you don’t call that an emergency then I don’t know what is.”

Home Office to screen returning retirees from Spain to ensure they haven’t contracted bilingualism

POST BREXIT REALITIES : ALL PATRIOTIC BRITS know it is a SOLEMN DUTY to keep English pure from foreign words.

Furthermore, to ensure their own vocal chords are not infected with inferior languages. These risk modifying brain activity away from the pure, simple functions required of patriotic, ethno-nationalists eagerly waiting to find out if they’ll be forcibly sterilised to ensure the success of the fatherland.

This much is a given.

But what they may not know is how far their glorious elected representatives, under advice from unaccountable, unelected, highly paid special advisors will go to keep them safe.

Quarantine on cruise ships. That’s how far. Anchored in The Wash.

This will be necessary to help make a success of Brexit, whether or not we still call it Brexit.

“We will need to ensure that, following the deterioration (by design) of negotiations with the EU this year that all returning Brits are screened for bilingualism,” a Home Office Darth Vader said, “bilingualism is a serious disorder that risks lowering a patriot’s defence against not only sneaky foreign subversives who may try and make friends with them, but worse still, breed.”

Such errors risk contagion of the precious, God given English language. We must defend it.

“If you see, or hear of, a friend or family member returning from the Continent, speak a foreign word you must report them,” Darth added, “children are especially vulnerable to bilingualism. If we don’t defend English we risk it being infected by forrin words from such languages as German, Latin, French, Italian, Viking, Indian and worse still, Welsh or Cornish.”

You can all assist by following a simple step.

“If you’re English and you hear a forrin word, forget it and make Britain grate again!”

Downing Street to ban all methods of contraception to replace lost migrant work force

RHYTHM METHOD GOVERNMENT : DOWNING STREET has responded to the anticipated leftie, snowflake whinge festival over its plan to end the inflow of fit, educated, ambitious and driven young workers to the UK by saying it has plans in place to replace the missing workers with home bred Brits.

“The problem is actually our own fault,” a 10 Downing Street source, Mr Incel, told LCD Views, “for too long the country has slowed down the breeding of superior individuals by ready access to effective means of contraception. Of course, when you dig down into this matter, it’s the fault of British women in particular and their selfish decision not to spend their entire adult life pregnant. I once read a book by someone on the subject and misunderstood it.”

The initiative, which is expected to be called “Breeders for Britons”, will come with an alluring range of incentives to ensure that British women are happy “going bonkers”.

“Every British baby born to a British mother who only speaks English will be labelled with a British made Union Jack sticker,” the source went on, “it’s a special touch that I’m quite proud to confess I dreamed up myself. Imagine the pride of the family as it affixes the sticker of pride to the eleventh infant to be born in a decade?”

But critics of the scheme have noted that there are no plans to introduce sibling legislation that would outlaw women working outside of the home.

“Give us time. This is a far right project. We’ll get there.”

Other whiners have added that even if British women respond to the call, avoid criminalisation, and get on their backs (the only acceptable, legislated position in Brexitannia), the resulting baby boom will take too long to mature. The babies will not be ready to replace the lost workers for decades.

“Nonsense,” the source shrugged, “child labour is coming back into favour. Anyway, there’s also older British workers just sitting about. It really is time business weaned itself off cheap migrant Labour and onto starving English pensioners. By the time that supply has naturally exhausted itself the British boomers will be ready.”

“Dude, Where’s my Prime Minister?” – documentary on Johnson’s reaction to floods set for big screen

MARKED SAFE IN A WALK IN FRIDGE : FLASHMAN PRODUCTIONS, famous for chronicling Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s meteridiotic rise to the top of the Conservative and Unionist (theoretical) Party has announced a new FEATURE documentary, to hit screens (like a rotten tomato) in 2020. Splat!

“Dude, Where’s my Prime Minister?” is being filmed as we go to print in South Wales, Yorkshire and other places of the UK that it’s highly likely Mr Johnson could even name, if he could even be assed to try.

Big budget house, COBRA Productions, were initially expected to be involved in the documentary, but pulled out before filming started, stating “We didn’t even know it was happening? Wait? What? There’s flooding?”

The film itself will zero in on Mr Johnson’s visible, public reactions to the flooding that is currently ravaging many areas of the country. His difficulties walking the Downing Street dog in a deluge and how Carrie is managing to keep her hair looking less insane than her lover’s.

“It will actually be a short film,” a spokesman for Flashman told LCD Views, “incredibly short. It’s incorrect to call it a feature. It’s not really even a short. At the moment all it is is a poster.”

But why so short?

“Because of a flaw in the premise, I’m happy to admit.”

And what’s that?

“We decided to focus on Mr Johnson’s visible, public reaction to the floods causing misery and terror across the country, his leadership of communities in crisis, and not his big dreams for big bridges. And right now his visible reaction to the floods is zero.”

Perhaps you should have filmed a fly on the wall documentary about Mr Johnson spending all this week on holiday, regardless of what’s happening to the country…

Government that has “had quite enough of experts” sets out to prove it

GET DE-NERDIFICATION DONE : BORIS JOHNSON leads a government now rapidly defenestrating itself of experts in all areas.

“It’s because people have had quite enough of them,” a Michael Gove impersonator told LCD Views. “And quite right too. They tend to tell you no. Boris doesn’t do no’s.”

And Global Britons don’t do no either. Well, at least not while they’re in the post Article 50 transition. At least not until they start talking to the EU from the vantage point of a third country. But even then, we’ll just block our ears and say no. Just so.

With disaster capitalists and casino traders now running the economy, there’s only one way we can go. Boom to bust and make a killing.

“We really are making great strides with throwing all the experts out of the window,” the Gove mirror crows, “we’ve got rid of the trade experts, quite visibly, we’ve left the largest free trade zone on Earth in order to forge a new future as a free trade supremo. The nest of Tufton Street think tanks would like to thanks us, on behalf of their shadowy funders, for that.”

That’s some expert ignoring of expert evidence right there. Let’s platform a ‘think tank’ and free ourselves of fact based policy making.

“And we’ve got rid of the diplomatic experts. We’ve shown that by not sitting next to anyone that used to be our friends. Take that Junker. We’ve taken back control of isolation in order to be forge new friendships. And given the motorway pile up our diplomatic relations are becoming with the US, and even Australia, we’re showing why you don’t need experts here too.”

I mean, we’ve Dominic ‘human hard-on’ Raab running the FCO, proof is in the pudding.

“We’re definitely getting rid of bridge building experts. They’ll say you can’t build a bridge to Ireland over a WW2 munitions dump. Such small horizons. You can if you use empty wine crates! Save on the weight, save on the risk of explosions!”


“The BBC has got to go! You don’t need experts in disseminating information to the public if you don’t want the public to have information. No. No. No.”

Yeah! Let’s learn to drool our own way.

“And now to show just how liberalising our one nation Conservative government is, we’re hiring in special advisors that favour eugenics. Let’s just be governed by a bunch of self-styled, inheritance rich mavericks, high on the scent of their own misunderstandings and with a fetish for fascism. We can build a new nation wholly comprised of blonde haired super children! Global Britain! Here we go! We’re not racists, but, we like us some eugenics.”

We may have had quite enough of experts, as symbolised by Brexit, but by the time this mad and vicious clown car government has finished we may well need some experts to put us all back together again…

Government tells BBC stars to become Members of Parliament if they want to keep lucrative second incomes

DON’T DO AS I DO DO AS I SAY : THE GOVERNMENT has announced a wholesale review of the BBC, with the presumed intention of demolishing it.

This will make it easier to demolish the NHS, the judiciary, the state school system, well, pretty much everything that in anyway provides some measure of ‘levelling up’, regardless of wealth at birth.

“It’s straight out of the ‘people who voted for the face eating leopards party surprised when leopards start eating their faces’ universe,” our ‘source’ inside 10 Downing Street, Mr Penny Drop, said, “and what’s best is that it’s not a parallel universe, it’s this one right here.”

It’s believed part of the problem with the BBC is its mission statement,

“to act in the public interest, serving all audiences through the provision of impartial, high-quality and distinctive output and services which inform, educate and entertain.”

“Clearly we’ve gone a long way to doing away with the public interest and impartiality issues,” the source continues, “by riddling the management chains of the news departments with hand picked place people. Oh and by endlessly platforming spokespeople from opaquely funded ‘think tanks’ who come on to normalise all sorts of historical amnesia. And of course, let’s not forget to doff our caps to the wonderful work achieved in establishing Nigel Farage as the political light house of the United Kingdom.”

All well and good, so what’s the problem now?

“Rich people can’t profit off the BBC. That’s one big issue. Publicly owned assets are a real slap in the face to the born to rule set. I mean, just imagine a pleb accessing the same content as yourself, for the same price? No good at all. It’s why we had to end Freedom of Movement for Britons on the continent of Europe. Now we have to end access to services which inform, educate and entertain. A subscription business model is the best way forward. Just look at the eye watering amount of debt that Netflix has to service! I look forward to earning a pretty bit of interest once the BBC is organised on similar fiscal grounds.”

This sounds like a great leap forwards.

“Yes. And what is particularly appealing, personally, is the stated aim of elected members of parliament to ban BBC stars from lucrative second incomes.”

But it’s well known that many MPs use the leverage provided by their public profiles to earn numerous lucrative additional income streams.

“Don’t forget the £50 you can claim for breakfast! Touchingly grotesque in a country reorganising its food provision along the lines of food banks.”

Quite. But what if BBC stars complain about the nobbling of their incomes? What are they supposed to do then?

“It’s obvious. Become Members of Parliament. Then you can just roll about in additional income streams to your hearts content.”

Don’t do as they do, do as they say, and that goes for the lot of ya! Not just the BBC. Nice work if you can get it…

Michael Gove judicial review to advise replacing Supreme Court with a “gold ring based justice system”

PEOPLE KNEW WHAT THEY WERE VOTING FOR : Sauron’s minor functionary, Michael Gove, has been tasked with a duty additional to torturing hobbits for fun, he now has to oversee the complete subjugation of the British judiciary to self-interested, poor hating autocracy.

What he will recommend is not hard to forecast. All you have to do is look at the Tory Party’s record in government.

“It’s definitely going to be a ring based justice system,” an aide to the Govester told LCD Views, “although I think we can safely assume he will not advise a ring he made for the kings of all the different races. Rather, to spare unnecessary expense, just one ring.”

The ring itself will be made of gold.

“9ct. This will give it the strength required. It’s going to be under quite a lot of pressure. It’ll have to work the magic of taking a slowly liberalising, generally functional, modern representative democracy and turn it into a far right, triumphalist, fascist cash cow for whoever funds all those dodgy ‘think tanks’ nested like vipers at 55 Tufton Street.”

Great! And we hear there will be an inscription on ring?

“Yes. It’s a well known verse. It goes :

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.”

Cabinet reshuffle results in row of turtles on fenceposts

How did they get there? The last cabinet member to climb the greasy fencepost has quit, leaving a row of startled turtles in charge of national affairs.

The country has been sold a pig in a poke and is making a dog’s dinner of it. The horse trading has left us with a tranche of trapped turtles to lead the lemmings off the cliff edge

Some brand new turtles have been placed upon the posts by the crawlin’ howlin’ king snake in the grass, “Classic” Dom Cummings himself. These turtles are neither teenage, mutant or ninja, although they are possibly addicted to pizza as well as certain stronger substances.

The new reptiles on the block include one time hedge fund manager Rishi Sunak. Can Sunak adapt his hedge experience to fences? At least, as a turtle, he should be familiar with the use of shell companies.

Sunak joins more established fence sitters like Liz Truss. She appears to have been superglued to her post since nothing seems to shift her.

Esther McVey and Andrea Leadsom were dislodged, as some of the brickbats thrown their way found their mark.

The serpent seems to have taken back control. The last time a snake was allowed to influence affairs, it persuaded a woman to eat an apple, and we all know how well that turned out.

The elephant in the room is still Brexit, although as use of the word is forbidden. Maybe we should instead say Br*x*t. Is it done, oven ready or half baked? It won’t be over until the fat lady sings, and Boris Johnson putting on one of Jennifer Arcuri’s frocks and yodelling London Bridge Is Falling Down doesn’t count.

The cat is out of the bag. The elephant will bug the UK for donkeys’ years. The rats will leave the stinking ship. And the turtles? They will remain in – or on – post until the cows come home.