Labour announces Tantric Brexit policy in which the moment of truth is delayed as long as possible

MAKE IT LAST FOREVER : LABOUR CONFERENCE voted to pass a motion yesterday, because everyone needs one every day, and with a democratic show of hands voted for whatever it was the leadership had decided the result would be.

“It was most democratic way to go about deciding our latest positioning on Brexit,” a Labour source told LCD Views, “the will of the party is now set on Tantric Brexit. Why not have a neutral position on the most divisive political issue facing the country? Let everyone fill the vacuum you’ve become themselves. That’s leadership right there. Makes you wonder how we’d run the country.”

Maybe, just maybe because the longer Brexit drags out the worse the risk to the peace in Northern Ireland? And Revoke Article 50, investigate all the criminality and explain to the voters who support Brexit exactly how they’ve been lied to and manipulated, and what you intend to do about that, is a more responsible policy?

“No. We have the moral high ground, because we claim to be peacemakers and pacifists. A Labour Brexit will naturally be calming for society. Next?”

Maybe because Brexit is causing serious trauma to millions of people who settled in the UK legally, feeling they were welcome to become part of the UK’s family, even starting families with Brits many of them, and are now faced with a retrospective immigration law change throwing their lives into turmoil?

And they weren’t even allowed a vote in the referendum that caused this?

And they expected the major left wing party to fight for their rights against the hard right disaster capitalists, tax dodgers and fascists who drive Brexit? Not keep the door open for their potential success.

“No. We have the moral high ground. We are all about protecting people’s rights. We have to leave the Single Market in order to do that. Next?”

Maybe because holding another referendum, before anything has been done to actually prevent all the criminality, foreign interference and voter manipulation that rigged the first one isn’t a wise policy, democratically?

“No. We are the most democratic of parties. Just look at how we decided our Brexit policy yesterday. A show of hands. A call of the vote. Over ruled by the chair. A denial of a card ballot and a song in praise of Jeremy Corbyn. What could be more democratic than that? Next.”

Maybe because it’s just a bloody fantasy to expect to gain power with a neutral policy on the matter that’s tearing the UK apart, and then expect to re-negotiate Brexit in a few months? Clearly an unrealistic timeframe that just sets your supporters up for disappointment and sows seeds of further division?

“You Tory shill. I’ve seen your timeline. 99% attacking the Tories and Brexit. It’s bloody clear who you work for. Next?”

Maybe, finally, because it’s obviously a catastrophic policy if you hope to win a general election and you’ll shed votes to the left and right like nobody’s business and be in no position to kick the Tories out?

At best we’ll get a hung parliament and you’ll have to go into coalition or obscurity, at worst you’ve opened the way for a Tory majority.

“Now you’ve hit the nail on the head. Our policy is designed to give the Tories enough rope to hang themselves. This will only occur once the middle classes are eating out of bins. Then the people will rise and sweep Labour to power with revolutionary fervour.”

So that’s why it’s a tantric policy?

“Yes. Boris Johnson and chums need time to stoke the fires of revolution. They’ve made some great strides, but they aren’t there yet. We need to keep out of the way and let them break the eggs for our omelette. We’ve kept out of the way of policy making for nearly 40 years, some of us, while becoming multi-millionaires through our obscure political careers. We’re for the many, not the few. Excuse me. I have to clear my throat.”

That makes sense, if you’re led by unreformed, wannabe communist revolutionaries who formed their worldview in the 70’s.

Clever thinking.

This way you’ll get to crow triumphantly when Corbyn sees off Johnson and the Tory PM to follow him from the safety of the opposition benches. No risk of taking any responsibility.

“Yes. Tantric opposition without ever finishing. It’s a very satisfying policy.”

“Get Ready to be the next Thomas Cook” – Government update Brexit advice for business

CRASHING AND BURNING FOR BREXIT : 10 Downing Street is popping the champagne today after the announcement by Thomas Cook that they had become martyrs for Brexit.

“To have an ancient and famous British brand hurl itself into the flames of devalued Sterling in order to make a success of Brexit? That’s a gesture of belief that will take some serious act of government failure to better,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “not to mention the 22,000 employees? All the associated supply chains? It’s a staggering sacrifice. We’re going to need to make medals for the heroes of Brexit.”

And the patriotic end of the 178 year old brand has prompted Downing Street to update its advice to business.

“We’re going to be spending an additional £200m on a new wave of ‘Get Ready for Brexit’ posters. Thomas Cook being the shining example of what business needs to do before, or some may say preferably after, we’ve delivered Brexit, do or die.”

Of course not everyone is celebrating as they should be. The BBC is coming in for particular fire from its friends in government for not mentioning the impact of the serious devaluation of Sterling on global supply chain business models.

“It’s a bit baffling. Clearly we all know diesel was a driver in the failure. So too a lack of belief in powered flight on behalf of the executives. But why fail to mention the weakened purchasing power of the UK’s currency? Total head scratcher.”

We did ask Boris Johnson for comment, but he wasn’t available, busy flying over to New York to make Britain proud at the UN.

But we reckon we can guess his comment, based on past utterances.

“F U C K Thomas Cook.”

Thank you Boris and all who are working to make a success of Brexit by seeing ancient British businesses die.

PM denies conflict of interest over public cash to US woman “there’s no conflict, the cash was in both our interests”

BLONDE BONKING BARMY BORIS BUSTED : The United Kingdom’s temporary prime minister, Boris “bonkers” Johnson has hit back, out, over and at the media furore regarding the £126,000 of public money paid to American businesswoman J Acuri, in spite of her company being ineligible.

“Did you get a look at her? I mean phwaaaaoooor! Who wouldn’t have shoved fistfuls of notes down her top. I mean, chaps, fellows, good friends. Like Theseus confronted with a Minotaur with extra boobs instead of horns! Have at you! Don’t say you wouldn’t have. You know you would have.”

But the statement, although clearly said in earnest, will do little to dampen the burning coals of a scandal that threatens Mr Johnson’s way of life.

“Come on now compatriots,” Mr Johnson added, for greater clarity, “you have to box a little clever with young blonde fillies who may, or may not, be on the make. And more importantly, who may, or may not care that you’re a married man with an indeterminate number of love children. Huzzah!”

And while many media figures will say it’s all just a storm in a teacup, some will still seek to make public capital out of what is essentially a private matter.

“It was supposed to remain a very private matter. Ha! Between you and me, what a goer! Ha!” Mr Johnson sought to shed a little extra light on the matter, “I mean, if I went round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint…no. Hang about. When the vetting committee of my party asked me if I had anything to declare that may embarrass me, or them, in the future, I just said no moral hazard here! There can’t be. There’s no morals! Ha! Get your kit off and let’s get at it.”

LCD Views would like to add ourselves as a character witness for Mr Johnson as this drama unfolds. Especially as it may actually end his premiership. Unless the UK is now total swamp of course.

“Let me make one thing absolutely clear,” Mr Johnson finished (not for the first time), “there is absolutely no conflict of interest in shovelling public money at that girl, as we both saw it entirely in our interests.”

Downing Street’s supreme strategists agree to end prorogation with agreement on new dress code for MPs

GAFFER TAPES THE GAFF : DOWNING STREET is looking to get ahead of what maybe a sticky wicket tomorrow when the Supreme Court hands down its verdict on whether or not philandering Boris and that freak with the nanny lied to the Queen.

And it’s not just by having their offshore owned media bully and threatened judges and QC’s. There’s more direct action being taken to ensure MPs will now vote the right way.

Speaking exclusively to LCD Views an invented Downing Street ‘source’ told us they were intending to make MPs an offer too good to be true.

“They can come back early to Westminster, just so long as they agree to a new dress code for debates,” the source informed, “this will be a strip of tape applied across the mouth of all anti-Brexit MPs during debates. We had thought to go for ball gags but a quick search of our stock of licensed images revealed so many women in bondage, and nothing else, we thought the article unlikely to survive for long on Facepamphlet with that as the image. Happily searching just for ‘gags’ didn’t reveal many jokes, but it did get us a generic man with tape on his mouth.”

Pro-Brexit MPs will be immune from the new dress code. Partially it’s thought because there’s so much bile in their mouths the tape will just melt away.

“But also because they’re the only ones the government listens to anyway, as the people had one vote in a corrupted opinion poll some years back, and they don’t need another,” the source confirmed, “never mind the fact that just applying the tape to the mouths of men like Bridgen and Francois would require entire regiments of SAS.”

Suggestions that making any votes an automatic pro-Brexit one are also under consideration. MPs who wish to vote differently will have to opt out of being pro-Brexit. This maybe made more difficult, as plans are in place to use restraints during the balloting process.

And the geniuses behind the current proroguing of parliament have given thought to the Speaker too.

“We will replace Bercow with one of those weird, hot, posh girls that US billionaire funded, hard right ‘think tanks’ are always getting on the publicly funded BBC,” the source added, “there shouldn’t be any problem doing that. The old honey trap trick is rumoured to have already compromised so many Tory MPs over the last decade, total compliance with rulings from the chair is guaranteed. At least for MPs that won’t be taped. Do you want your wife to find out? That’ll stifle the debate. Guaranteed.”

Thomas Cook would have kept flying if directors had “believed harder in flying” – government

CLEARED FOR LANDING : THE GOVERNMENT is on both front left feet today over the collapse of the UK’s oldest travel business, issuing boarding passes to moral deniability, to make sure the collapse of Thomas Cook is nothing to do with Boris “f*ck business” Johnson.

“It’s all to do with moral hazard,” a Downing Street spokeschurn said, “it wasn’t a moral hazard to bail out the banking sector after years of financial crimes almost destroyed it, it would be a moral hazard to bail out a travel firm after the devaluation of Sterling crashed it into the ground. Even though in a curious chain of events the collapsing currency is a result of the political project that leveraged the taxpayer rage of the banking bail out.”

It’s certainly not a moral hazard to have politicians responsible for currency fluctuations, and thus asset devaluation, bankrolled by currency speculators and disaster capitalists. No. Noooo. No.

“It’s also not a moral hazard to move your current mistress into Downing Street after leaving your wife while she was undergoing cancer treatment,” the spokesilly added, “it is also not a moral hazard to spaff countless billions up the wall of Brexit, but nothing to ensure 22,000 people keep a job.”

Boy, it’s good that Boris said it would be a moral hazard to bail out Thomas Cook. It gives us a focus.

“But the real reason that Thomas Cook failed is because its directors didn’t believe hard enough. If they’d just believed really hard in powered flight than the planes would still be in the air and not, as they are, grounded.”

Global Britain, navigating its way through the 21st century, with a moral hazard at the helm. Let’s make a success of it.

Gov will not fight bubonic plague OUTBREAK in Oadby as “to do so will weaken our negotiating hand with EU”

The East Midlands is suffering from its biggest disaster since it became the Danelaw in AD 878. The plague is sweeping the region, as helpless officials in London throw up their hands, saying ‘Where the f@*# is the East Midlands anyway?’

Typical of the disaster is the small town of Oadby on the outskirts of English premier league football powerhouse Leicester. Oadby is the scene of unconfirmed devastation today as an outbreak of bubonic plague sweeps like a firestorm through the normally quiet and bucolic streets.

Local peasants have been employed as emergency gravediggers. Normally they enjoy digging up car parks in search of medieval monarchs, much to the irritation of the thousands of impatient BMW drivers, who are then obliged to leave their oversized contraptions on a double yellow line.

The graveyard at St Peters has already overflowed on to the surrounding roads, obliterating the picturesque mini-roundabout.

Next door, at the Art Deco funeral parlour, and one-time cinema, staff are rubbing their hands together in glee, and hoping that not too many fingers drop off.

Residents have been swift to blame the EU. “It’s about time we kicked out the Danes, they started all this nonsense,” asserted Oadby & Wigston mayor Thorvald Magnus Johansson.

Queues outside the local doctors’ surgery are almost as long as the queue to make an emergency appointment by phone. The staff are naturally concerned, but point out that by the time the next appointment becomes available, most of the patients will have already died.

A kind of religious fervour has gripped the few unaffected residents. They have flocked to the local landmarks, Asda in the North of the town, and Sainsburys in the South, to hold a vigil for the dead and dying, and to stock up on cheap baked beans.

Oadby has erected a barrier along the A6, to prevent cross-contamination between the posh side and the not-so-posh side of the town. Official panic really only set in when some of the millionaires in the pastoral idyll of Gartree Road started dropping like rather posh flies.

Oadby’s most famous son, Queen bass player John Deacon, has been petitioned in a desperate attempt to find help. The reclusive Deacon has not thus far responded, but hopes are not high since, after all, this is the man who wrote Another One Bites The Dust.

The government will not help, either. “The fact that people are dying only gives us greater strength in negotiations,” said government wonk Wes Minsterbubble. “The EU will take us seriously now we are letting people die.”

Democracy is 650 people doing exactly what I tell them: Dominic Cummings releases autobiography

Democracy: that most abused of words ever since Brexit became a thing. Finally, Number Ten puppetmaster Dominic Cummings has revealed the true meaning of the word.

Short Cummings’ logic is infallible. “Democracy means government by the people,” he writes. “Therefore, since I am a person, it means government by me. The 650 or so MPs are merely opportunist placemen and women, who ought to be grateful for the sort of strong leadership I bring to the table.”

Winter Is Cummings has streamlined the system considerably. “If one gains the absolute trust of the incumbent of Number Ten,” he writes, “then one’s job becomes infinitely more manageable. If one controls the (nominal) boss, then one controls the executive, and therefore the House!”

Goings and Cummings reveals a streak of eugenics running through his backseat driving. “Any member of the executive who dares to disagree with conventional wisdom, i.e. what I want, must be removed,” he reveals in a chapter entitled Ideological Purity. “Dissenting voices have no place in a clear-thinking and single-minded organisation. We need action, not thought. Ours not to reason why, ours just to do and die, whatever that pillock Johnson says!”

Independent observers believe that Premature Cummings may have shot his bolt too soon. “He is far too impatient,” remarks dangerous moderate Libby Demm. “He is too eager to get right inside, do the business, and get out by 31 October. “Typical man. I’ve had the misfortune to encounter his type too many times. Instead of preparing the way and then easing himself in gently, it’s fire this, prorogue that, and rush to the finishing line as quickly as possible so he can brag about it to his mates afterwards.”

What goes around, Cummings around. His attempts to control democracy may just have backfired, and the UK parliament may not take too kindly to unelected bureaucrats.

Gov will not fight BLACK DEATH OUTBREAK in SW16 as “to do so will weaken our negotiating hand with EU”

THE OLD ROMAN ROAD : The United Kingdom’s stock of people who’ve once passed a celebrity on the street looks in serious danger today as the southwest London suburb of Streatham became the scene of almost total devastation.

Early this morning reports began to filter out via a local mum’s group on social media that an outbreak of Black Death had begun. It’s believed to have been caused by the high anti-Brexit vote in the area in 2016.

“It was only a matter of time,” a Home Office source told LCD Views, “before the almost celebrity studded streets of Streatham, which are cheek by jowl with the suppurating Brixton slums (which coddle the plague bacteria by also being pro-EU), got hit. We are deeply concerned as this is a clear danger to the precious lives of people who have occasionally appeared on ITV4.”

But even as the bodies pile up out front of the Odeon cinema no action is being taken.

“To fight the outbreak of plague would weaken our negotiating hand with the EU,” the Home Office source confirmed, “if we aren’t prepared to let our own voters perish, what does that say to Junker?”

And with no government help forthcoming the local residents are having to organise and defend themselves.

“There’s a plague of hipster barbers along the long high road,” a correspondent reports from the scene, “these are now being overwhelmed by desperate local residents with bulging groin and armpit ulcers, demanding the barbers act like the surgeons of old. But as yet, the young barbers have only responded by offering a two for one on beard shampooing.”

It’s also believed the outbreak of new vaping shops are being hit by the yersini pestis smash and grab.

“A mob has formed outside several of the new shops. The demands seem to be that the entire stock of vaping liquid be vaped at once in a mass public ceremony in the hope of purifying the air and ridding SW16 of plague.”

The lack of official response has caused grave concern in areas north and south of SW16, as the long road that cuts through Lambeth and on to the coast will surely spread the plague in a swathe through south London.

“Ignore the hype over the fatality rate,” the Home Office source added, “each burning pyre of bodies brings the EU’s removal of the Irish Backstop from any Brexit Deal that much closer.”

Government to spend £100m on submersible “Get Ready for Brexit” posters so British fish know to get ready

THERE IS SOMETHING FISHY GOING ON : Chris Grayling is reported back in cabinet today with the announcement the government is to spend £100m on submersible posters so British fish know what to expect.

“It was his brainchild,” a cabinet spokesman said, “at least that’s what I was told. Which was nice, since Short Cummings assumed total dominion over the United Kingdom, I’m used to being told nothing. Mostly it’s just threats of physical violence, getting flecked by spit and having my phone smashed. We never used to have our phones smashed under May.”

But while the decision to spaff money into the sea will reassure the general public that patriotic fish will also be cared for as a new world smashes open across our faces like rotten eggs, some have queried the timing.

“It’s a dead cat to distract from the Supreme Court decision about how much Boris and Jacob lied to the Queen,” a stern government critic weighed in, “this is needless expense. We all know DExEU trained dolphins to spread the word about No Deal Brexit back in David Davis’ time.”

At least the critics aren’t concerned that all these endless money tree billions should have been spent on teachers, doctors, nurses, coppers, firefighters, and community groups to help create an atmosphere conducive to less young offending.

Let’s spend it on posters to throw in the sea instead. Very Brexit.

Are you ready for Brexit? You don’t need to be. And how could you be? No one knows what it’ll be. But don’t let that stop you being ready all the same. The street parties, when it’s finally dead and buried, will be frenetic, and you’ll need to be well supplied.

GIANT COCK teases UK with claim No Brexit by Halloween means no more Tory party

YOUR TURN TRICK OR TREAT : Michael Gove is said to have his loved ones worried today after he made a claim so tumescent with expectation the nation almost orgasmed.

“It’s not like tricky Mickey to get people’s hopes up so hard,” our embedded Tory party wart reports, “saying that if Brexit isn’t delivered by Halloween than the Tory Party is GOING TO FINISH ITSELF OFF? I mean, I almost lost it right there, and I’m trying to hold fast. Tantric Brexit is where I get my kicks!”

The claim, being spread more virulently than a socially transmitted disease across social media platforms, raises the concern that Mr Gove no longer has his finger on the pulse. This isn’t a threat Gove. It’s a promise of a sweet relief.

“He’s probably getting a lot of phone calls from heavy breathers,” our wart guesses, “Give it to me. Give it to me baby. Give me the great end of society. Don’t you want it? Yeah? Don’t you want Sterling worth less than USD so the NHS is almost free?”

How the assertion spaffed out so freely by Mickey will play out is clear. And not many things he’s involved with are.

“Mass mental orgasm,” our wart grows, “even amongst a lot of Tories who just feel dirty now and want it to end so they can shower. And the rest of the country? Ten years of being run down and maligned and abused and smeared with neocon scat in the basement of Gove’s mental dungeon? Well, have you seen the footage of coral reefs all letting loose in one moment? Yeah, that’s the UK if No Brexit by Halloween means no more Tory Party. Whoosh! Steam train in the tunnel. Rocket ship blasting off! Elephant trumpeting in the jungle!”

You’ve given us so much false hope Mr Gove. But if you’re right on this and when No Brexit happens on October 31st the Conservative Party implodes? Then you’ve finally given everyone some hope. Which is a first.