Video compilation of members of the public telling Boris Johnson to “F*ck off!” due for release in time for Xmas

STOCKING FEELER : Great news for people wondering what to buy loved ones of all ages this year for Christmas. Now you can stop worrying and get ready to purchase a unique present.

“F*ck off Boris!” is set for release in time for the festive season shopping madness. We spoke to ‘Repressed Intelligence Productions’, the team behind ‘F*ck off Boris!’, to learn more.

“It’s true the outgoing Prime Minister spends a large portion of his time in private with just any old blonde he can get his hands on and a laptop,” Acuri Cindrome, lead editor on the project told LCD Views, “but now and then he decides he’s had enough technology lessons and goes outside for a walk amongst the great unwashed. That’s when the magic happens.”

And the magic is members of the public telling the one man, blonde, boy band of British politics to f*ck off?

“That’s right. Any town or village you like, when the festering barrel of spunk that is Bojo rolls into the main square someone tells him to f*ck off. It’s great entertainment. The sort of thing you can watch again and again with the entire family.

“Just today, during his belated visit to the non-emergency floods in Yorkshire, fully 50% of the people he’s come close to on the drowned street, or interrupted having a well earned cuppa, have told him to F Off! And why wouldn’t you, if you had the chance? I know I would.”

The compilation was initially planned as a one off, season’s greetings special, but Cindrome suspects it’s the beginning of a series focused entirely on Mr Johnson’s famous popular appeal.

“I suspect by the time the GE campaign is over we will have more than enough material for ‘F*ck off Boris!’ sequels. We’ve already got the names. ‘You there! Keeping f*cking off!’ and ‘When you finish f*cking off, f*ck off some more!’, so on and so forth like this. Completely relatable.”

The compilation will be available to download, or purchase as a DVD, Stingray and even in VHS format, to symbolise the regression happening in the UK under Boris ‘F Off’ Johnson.

“We’re doing a vinyl edition of just the words and sounds of people telling Boris where to go. Perfect for when you need a pick me up, or if you just want to practice some mindfulness while you wait for Boris to come to a street near you.”

If he does, you know what to say! Say it loud enough and you just might find yourself featuring in a ‘F*ck off Boris!’ sequel.

BBC apologies for accidentally interviewing a Remainer and says lessons have been learned

IT WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN : The BBC just can’t keep out of the headlines lately and today they’re full frontal again after a disastrous error.

“I don’t know how it happened,” BBC editor Berley Baitsome wrote on Twitter, “you would have thought interviewing a bloody OAP farmer in the North of the country was cast iron, foolproof, 100% guaranteed Brexiter. Jesus wept. What’s happened to the country? We’ve done what we’ve been told by the placemen and placewoman Cameron installed by threatening our charter and licence fee. I can only say sorry and that it won’t happen again.”

But fulsome apology or not, coming just days after the BBC reluctantly admitted it had digitally altered JFK giving a speech in Berlin to look like Boris Johnson, this latest screw up can’t go unpunished.

“All we ask is that Laura is still allowed to make intimate, dull lit, pseudo-erotic, one to one’s with Boris ‘Spermking’ Johnson,” the editor added, “don’t punish her for our errors.”

It’s unlikely though that Downing Street, and the alleged foreign moneymen assisting Downing Street pursue democracy, will allow things to remain unchanged.

“They don’t need to do anything,” Baitsome pleaded, “we will do it to ourselves. From now on all vox pops will only be conducted with pre-screened members of the public. I’m going to outsource it to the production team behind BBCQT. That will ensure we never again interview a remainer. To think we did it in an election campaign too? Hair shirts all round!”

The BBCQT production team? That’ll sort it. There will be more Brexit plants filmed purely by chance on the country’s pavements than in an impromptu performance of Day of the Triffids.”

Boris Johnson says he likes to make flood defences out of empty wine boxes

TITS ON A BULL : Boris Johnson continues to surf the wave of popular feeling today as he attempts to row about the political landscape and put clear water between himself and the pretenders to his throne.

But he has come in for some surprising criticism regarding the flooding of wherever it is, it’s not in the southeast, as the people of somewhere in England demand action is taken by the government to assist with the flooding of up north. It is up north, isn’t it?

“That’s their first mistake right there,” our Johnson watcher noted, “they assume there’s a government. The second mistake compounds the first, but assuming that even if Boris Johnson was attempting governance, that he would care about wherever it is. Well, haven’t they learned anything from ten years of Tory shenanigans?”

But even so, the blonde Aquaman of British political life is throwing them a bone. Let’s hope it floats.

“He’s going to do a Facepamphlet Live broadcast where he tells them what they decided at the Cobra meeting.”

That’s progress at least.

“Mostly they decided they needed Boris to look like he cares. He does of course. You should see the way he looks at himself in the mirror. He really cares a lot about his reflection. Imagine how much he would care if he gazed down into a still puddle of flood water?”

But surely some actual physical response is required? People have lost homes and livelihoods and the King of the south has just shrugged for days.

“Well this is where he gets the kudos,” the analyst advised, “Corbyn and Swinson have busied themselves fannying about Yorkshire, but Boris has now acted.”

What has he done?

“He’s made these little flood defences out of empty wine boxes. He’s even painted people playing with sandbags on the sides. He’s going to set them adrift outside Yorkshire later today.”

317 most gullible people in UK identified after exhaustive study

SYMPATHY FOR THE CONNED IS EASIER SOME DAYS THAN OTHERS : Results of a long running search of the UK to identify the 317 most gullible people were announced last night by lead researcher, Nigel Farage.

The research was conducted personally by Nigel’s limited company, BXP, and funded entirely by the research subjects themselves.

“When I started my study many laughed and said I wouldn’t be able to find my targets,” Mr Farage told assembled lobotomy patients, gathered for a press briefing, “but let me tell you I never doubted I would succeed for a moment. Not after I was able to convince dozens of muppets last year to pay £50 to walk without me on a public footpath. I was determined to build on that return.”

And build Mr Farage did, merely by setting up a limited company masquerading as a legitimate political party. Once the doors of the unelected, unaccountable one man show opened the money just flowed in.

But critics of the research have pointed out that there is no credible reason for Mr Farage to claim 317 is the ceiling for the most gullible people in the UK.

“There’s still a couple of hundred people in the research group that was studied,” a data scientist we just invented commented, “they think Farage won’t find some arbitrary reason to throw them out of his little rowboat of spiv, just like the 317 who paid to stand for election out of their own pockets? I mean, to even stand still after what was done to their colleagues shows a questionable moral position, alongside a depthless gullibility.”

And that wasn’t all the criticism of the study.

A second data scientist invented now too says that in spite of Mr Farage’s claims that the search is concluded, it’s not.

“Anyone paying attention realised the falling out between Johnson and Farage was scripted weeks back, so too the reconciliation and the fleecing of the 317. Now that Boris and Nigel are in bed together they hope to discover there’s millions of gullible idiots in the UK. Enough even to grant them both unaccountable power.”

Which is the way they both like it. It’s up to all of us to deny it to them.

Brexit Party 2020 calendar to feature nude Ann Widdecombe every month

The Brexit Party is celebrating its success in the 2019 general election by issuing a cheeky calendar. Each month will feature Ann Widdecombe in the buff.

Our embarrassment will be covered by strategically placed copies of the Daily Mail and pictures of Nigel Farage. Widdecombe herself is famously unembarassable.

“My fans have been begging me to bare all for years!” she boasts. “I’ve been saving myself for Nigel!”

The calendar has been described as ‘racy, saucy and a little bit naughty’ by party members who haven’t seen a woman in the altogether since The War.

LCD Views Exit Poll (aka Withdrawal Agreement) correspondent encountered Nigel Farage having a fag outside the Cash Launderette. Why Ann Widdecombe, we asked.

“Obviously these calendars require a popular and attractive figure, with a decent, erm, figure,” he coughed. “Ann was the obvious choice. We asked Annunziata Rees-Mogg, but she refused to bare as much as a single ankle!”

Define your party’s success, we demanded.

“We have put the cat among the pigeons, a spanner in the works, and the bluff into double bluff,” wheezed Farage through a cloud of Players No 1. “We won’t win any seats, goodness knows Joe Public is sick and tired of Brexit, but we exist to cause chaos, and are doing extremely well!”

Let’s face it, we persisted. If you succeed by some horrible chance of fate, and Brexit happens, you are instantly irrelevant and unemployed. Success means failure, so you can only succeed by failing, can’t you?

Farage gave that sort of horrified expression common to Tory ministers asked a straight question, and to Keir Starmer in doctored video clips.

“Nonsense!” he spluttered eventually. “Poppycock and piffle! Erm, I think my money, I mean my clothes, are freshly laundered now, excuse me…”

He stubbed out his tab and vanished.

Order now! The perfect gift for the Wetherspoons resident in your life!

BBC sorry for altering actual footage of the three wise men visiting baby Jesus to include Boris Johnson

TOO EARLY FOR SEASON’S GRATINGS : The BBC is under pressure to issue yet another apology for a broadcast mishap after they broadcast altered footage of the Three Wise Men visiting Baby Jesus.

While the broadcasting of the actual video footage of the nativity is not itself controversial, and has become a British tradition since it was first beamed out to the nation over two thousand years ago, sharp eyed viewers noticed a new member of the cast this year.

“Boris Johnson is there now,” a media analyst revealed to LCD Views, “holding a bus made out of empty wine crates. Apparently a gift to the messiah? Not sure it’ll sit too well next to the gold and myrrh to be honest. There’s little people painted down the side. One of them is screaming.”

How Mr Johnson came to be inserted into the archive film is only too clear.

“The BBC are saying it was an error in the editing suite. But that seems a little unlikely. You don’t just find video of a failed Churchill tribute act shoving a poorly made wooden bus into a cot, before necking the wine, boring Jospeh half to death about Theseus in a wool shop and then topping it all off by getting into a fight with a camel and falling asleep amongst some frightened sheep.”

It’s likely a qualified apology, of the “I’m sorry, but” kind will issue forth from the fortress of Broadcasting House some time today. But I think we all know what really happened there.

“I’m surprised they thought they’d get away with it after that special BBC current affairs edition that showed Boris Johnson beating Edmund Hillary to the top of Mount Everest. They didn’t hurt his prospects in the polls at all. Whatever the BBC is up to, what people see is what they recall.”

Cleaning up – Downing Street bans candidates who haven’t taken any Russian money from standing in GE

PUTIN MOVES ON AND ROUBLING HIS PALMS TOGETHER OVER THE BIN FIRE OF BRITISH DEMOCRACY : Downing Street isn’t taking anything lying down today, least not accusations about its sources of funding. It’s decided to come clean before everything is leaked to the press anyway, from the repressed intelligence report into Russian interference into British elections.

But to build on the transparency, it has passed a new electoral law, under emergency powers, banning any candidate from standing who can’t show they’re Kremlin funded. This happened while you were asleep.

This is expected to be an uncontroversial act.

Especially as the official opposition really doesn’t appear to give two shits about the EUref electoral lawbreaking or the repressed intelligence report. Both of these appear to link so deeply into the corridors of power, anyone would think you could bring a government down with it. If you wanted to. If you started pulling at the threads. But, that would mean giving up on Lexit?

“Clearly London is going to remain one big farking laundromat once we regain power. We’ll have an even greater majority of allegedly Kremlin bought stooges in power,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views,

“we’ll stay huge in financial services and high end real estate too. We’ll service anyone you know. Just lay back and think of the percentage you get. Don’t worry about where the cash came from. If there’s a village screwed out of its cash falling apart somewhere. Too far away to see or care about.

“It’s a damn sight better than doing any actual work. You know, production. Actual capitalism. As this is modern Blighty it’s time our politicians came as clean as the pounds and dollars in their pockets and declared how much they get in roubles.

“It’s got to be a level playing field. How can you ask that ex-wife of that former diplomat over dinner to arrange the same level of donations to you if you don’t know what your colleagues are receiving? It’s blatantly unfair, as things stand. Let’s level the playing field.”

The new regulations, which will come into effect immediately, are expected to thin the field of parliamentary candidates for the December 12th GE. This will lead to a less distracting election and give stability and certainty to the population. Whoever wins, you know who’s bought them.

“There’s a bit of unhappiness of course from those that are US billionaire funded,” the source added, “but I don’t see what all the fuss is about? Just shift the cash into roubles before donation to your chosen candidate? There are plenty of apps to do that. And they can shift it into pounds sterling. It’s not rocket science. Although, I don’t know how it’s actually done of course. Maybe people can be paid in fancy cars?”

Tories put up vegetables shaped like willies for press interviews to reduce risk of embarrassment during GE

STOP MAKING TITS OF YOURSELF BE A VEGETABLE INSTEAD : THE EMBATTLED CONSERVATIVE PARTY has taken steps to stop car crash interviews during the GE campaign.

“We’re stopping talking. At least to the media,” a ‘Source’ inside the 1922 Committee told LCD Views, “no one is allowed to talk anymore. Especially not Boris. Or James. Or Matt. And definitely not Mogg.”

Under the new strategy, which is certain to succeed, the fruit and vegetable sellers of the UK will be asked to turn over any vegetable that looks like a willy.

“I suppose spuds will be best, as they’ve a greater shelf life. Once they start with those little sprouty bits from the eyes then it’ll be an even greater distraction. You won’t get as long out of a banana I suppose. Maybe a few appearances on Marr? But anything to stop Conservative Party candidates talking to Barnett or Burley. The swivel eyed membership may not be too bothered about bald faced lying and lack of understanding of our own policies, but slowly the bloody moderates are drifting away, without saying anything, out the door. A good fruit display will dam the flood.”

But critics of the scheme, internal and external, have pointed out that potatriots Mark Francois and Andrew Bridgen have been giving interviews for years now. As such this is not a new comms strategy and already blighted.

Nonetheless you can look forward to a turnip standing in for Matt Hancock later today and getting an easy ride on the BBC.

Russian election campaign off to a shaky start

The Russian agents feigning interest in a general election are doing a poor job. Lead agent Boris Johnson has even been contradicting himself within a single sentence.

The man hoping to clean up on 12 December has been recently seen trying to wield a mop. This photo opportunity went as well as could be expected, with Johnson merely shifting dirt from one place to another. His attempt to mop up the water went equally well.

Other pathetic attempts to pull wool over the public’s eyes were just as successful. Quasi-Muscovite Kwasi Kwarteng proudly bandied about the opposition’s spending plans without an awareness of his own party’s position. Or at least his paymasters had told him to keep schtumm.

Meanwhile the Kremlin’s house newspaper, the Daily Mail, is busy pushing the angle that an increase in the minimum wage is a great idea, if Sajid Javid says so. Naturally it sets the nation on course to instant bankruptcy whenever Jeremy Corbyn proposes it.

Javid was also wheeled out to prove that the real reds under the bed are blue Russians not Corbyn and co. Slag off the opposition, present nothing in return. The Russians have clearly either failed to get their narrative across, or something got lost in translation.

From the Trots to the tarts. Liz “You are what you eat” Truss has been selecting tarts, joyfully, presumably for her own personal use. What the relevance to the election campaign could be is anyone’s guess. We can be sure that she paid for her tarts using her own roubles.

Vladimir Putin is, as usual, playing inscrutable, but, behind that calm visage, he must be deeply disappointed with the bungling efforts of his low rent puppets. Still, all is not lost, since his funding of Jeremy Corbyn’s wavering stance is doing all the necessary work.

Rumours abound that Putin has bought James Cleverly a new Brexit countdown clock.

Boris Johnson gives up booze because “In vino veritas”

WHAT DO WE DO WITH THE DRUNKEN SAILOR : Outgoing British-American Prime Minister Boris “Russian name” Johnsonov has announced he is on the wagon for the GE campaign.

“He’s given up drinking booze for the general election campaign, maybe even until after he’s failed to deliver Brexit,” a Downing Street ‘Sauced’ told LCD Views over a plate of fava beans and a nice chianti, “I mean, clearly he’ll still be injecting speed directly into his eyeballs. Doctors orders. One has to cope with Carrie’s demands to repaint the 10 Downing Street hallways somehow. It’s not all fun and games bedding down with an ambitious young woman in nesting mode you know. Still, needs must.”

Whether or not Mr Johnson is able to stick to his alcohol abstinence remains to be seen. Also whether or not he’s telling the truth about taking the pledge to begin with.

“Let’s not get confused though,” the Sauced went on, “he’s not doing the twelve steps. His life expectancy isn’t long enough to get passed the bothersome phase of phoning up people you’ve wronged to ask for forgiveness. No one’s is. Christ, the conversation with Arlene Foster alone would take a month. And he’ll still be intoxicated with large measures of disingenuousness. Rampantly shagging with his uncontrollable lust on full throttle. Verifiably avaricious and so on. It’ll still be Boris being Boris, wine or not.”

Presumably though if he gives up the plonk he runs a lower risk of making a complete tit of himself?

“Well, quite. Although between you and me it really doesn’t matter how much Moet or claret he’s smashed away. You still can’t tell if he’s too lazy to learn details or too thick to understand what he’s signed up to with the old WAB. Sobriety doesn’t make any difference on that score. I hardly know why he’s bothering? What’s in a bottle of wine that he could possibly be scared of?

Maybe because ‘In vino veritas’?