TAKING PERSONAL CONTROL : THERE ARE FEARS IN THE FRENCH HIGH COMMAND TODAY THAT BORIS JOHNSON HAS COMPLETELY OUTMANOEUVRED THEM AT THE 11TH HOUR IN THE BREXIT TALKS.
The PANIC centres on the future of their fishing fleet and the inability to get the better of the bold seafaring Brits.
“We thought Britain no longer ruled the waves,” an aide to President Macron told LCD Views, off the record, “but it seems they just can not be beaten. It is the end of the fishing industry in France. We are all shellshocked.”
The exact strategy Mr Johnson has used to scupper the French appears to be inspired by his usual way of solving problems, largely caused by himself.
“He’s given them all an untendered PPE contract and Matt Hancock’s private phone number so they can Whatsapp him to arrange it,” the aide said, looking ashen, “how are we supposed to compete with that? If Macron makes any move to block them taking the penalty clause free windfalls they’re be riots like we haven’t seen in France since yesterday.”
The payments to the French fishermen are believed to come with a cherry on top too, as all will be backdated to the moment the French and English crowns separated in the Medieval period, and the fishing wars began.
“We are going to have to buy all the English fish now,” the aide said, “it’s going to bankrupt us. Now that the UK is free to take whatever it wants from BRITISH WATERS. They’ll have so much to sell we won’t be able to keep up. If only we could just raid our public finances to staunch the wounds we create ourselves, like Mr Johnson.”
Exactly how much PPE will be supplied by the retired French fishermen isn’t clear.
“It’s not part of the deal. It’s just a direct cash transfer in the billions right into their bank accounts. And they’re getting paid in Euros too, so the money is still worth something next year. What a genius is Mr Johnson. Talk about having your hake and eating it.”