FCUK NOES WOT RULZ : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON HAS MOVED TO BRING CLARITY to the rules, laws, regulations, restrictions and confusion relating to CV-19 restrictions in England.
“He’s replacing the whole lot of them with a lucky dip box,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it’s going to upset Matt Hancock. He spends hours each day transcribing fevered voicemails left for him by Cummings into new laws. But no one cares about Matt. So that’s alright.”
The move to replace an increasingly complex set of guidelines, and legally enforceable rules, with one box of chance is thought to be a reaction to the embarrassment the Prime Minister experienced yesterday.
“That journalist who asked him about the rules in the NE needs a beating,” the source grumbled, “imagine expecting this prime minister to be able to clearly communicate anything? It’s not fair. That’s not why he is there.”
To make it properly exciting all the rules currently in force in England will be put into the boxes, which will be placed on street corners across the country.
“You simply walk up to the box when you go outside and pull out a slip of paper. The rule you have to follow will be written on it. It will bring a sense of suspense to what is a pretty dull period. You might even get lucky and pull out one of the early rules telling you to just get sick and get over it.”
But like any game of chance there will be one amazing prize to be grasped by the fortunate.
“The Barnard Castle Eye Test is the major prize. Pull that rabbit out of the hat and you get to go anywhere, sick or not.”