Government simplifies MPs’ Code of Conduct to “Fuck business, and the rest of it”

WORDS MATTER : Reality is what you imagine it to be. This Global Britons is how we will reshape our country for the challenges we are creating ourselves for tomorrow!

To this end the Chancellor Mr Javid, famous for having worked for Deutsche Bank in the build up to the 2008 financial crash, has urged any British business not in the boom sector of disaster capitalism to prepare to be a disaster.

To help in this end the government has rewritten the MPs code of conduct so MPs know what to do when the disasters begin in earnest.

https://publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm201719/cmcode/1474/147401.htm

Gone are such fluffy, woke, hipster nonsense like selflessness. Mate. What were you thinking? How can that possibly prepare Britain for Brexit? Don’t even think about considering the needs of others. Misunderstood Darwinism is now the go to moral in the code.

Integrity? OMG. Boris Johnson being Prime Minister and also elevating MPs sacked by the electorate to the Lords settles that score.

Accountability? Pah! We can’t even do basic maths anymore. Just look at our Brexit forecasts. There aren’t any! And besides, MPs need to know that when we do Brexit it is the fault squarely of the people who said Don’t Do Brexit.

Openness? Another quaint notion that won’t build Empire 2.0. Release the Russia Report? And what? Lose our jobs? You’re having a laugh.

And the rest of it. Honesty. Leadership. Yeah. Yeah. You’ve not been paying attention.

Now the code of conduct is simple. Simply ‘Fuck Business, and the rest of it’, just listen to Javid (and chums), blithely throwing millions to the wolves because, wait for it, the people voted for it.

Representative parliament has outlived its usefulness to predatory billionaires, now we do Brexit. Get on with it.

United Kingdom wins Darwin Award

The Darwin Awards are always funny to read about, how some idiot leaned over the edge of a cliff to take a selfie and fell to their doom, or forgot to put the safety catch on while cleaning their gun and shot themselves in the head. But this year’s ceremony will feature something a little different.

This year an award will be presented to an entire country. Specifically the UK will be receiving a Darwin Award for Brexit.

Awards chairman Stu Pidkunz had this to say on the matter:

“We couldn’t overlook the stupidity of an entire nation democratically voting to deprive itself of all its human rights for possibly generations to come. We thought about making 17.4 million individual awards but that wouldn’t work as voting is anonymous and many of the people who voted for Brexit have since died – in some cases as a consequence of their vote already, so those ones should really get special mentions.”

Brexit certainly meets the criteria for the Darwin Awards, namely:

1. It was self-inflicted.
2. It showed astonishingly stupid judgement.
3. The population were capable of sound judgement but still went for it.

The only question mark against the award is the injury of innocent bystanders, as many people voted against Brexit or abstained, and they are going to suffer through no fault of their own. However, the scale of cock-up involved here has persuaded the awards committee to make an exception.

The presentation of an award to an entire country is not without precedent, the island of Malta was awarded the George Cross in 1942 but of course that was for bravery in the face of the Nazis, and not mass stupidity.

The Darwin Awards Committee had been considering giving the entire United States of America an award in 2017 after the inauguration of Donald Trump, but decided against it on the grounds that it was possible to recover from that brief bout of insanity.

We can only hope the UK recovers its own sanity soon enough to have the award annulled.

Boris Johnson orders “We R a serious country 4 serious people” projected onto sea facing landmark

EU DOESN’T STAND A CHANCE : The United Kingdom’s Spaffenfuhrer Boris Johnson is stopping at nothing to let all corners of the global world know that Global Britain (hashtag) is a force to be reckoned with.

“Not content with projecting the clock face of Big Ben onto 10 Downing Street for US Dependence Day, 31st January 2020, Mr Johnson has now ordered a robust and easily remembered slogan projected onto a famous, EU facing, English landmark,” a Downing Street ‘source’ revealed.

Accordingly “We R a serious country 4 serious people” will be spaffed all up [and over] the White Cliffs of Dover, bluebirds not withstanding, just as soon as the public has raised the funds for it.

“This will show Brussels that they’re in for a rough ride in the coming trade negotiations against the people this year,” the source added, “they need to know now that it’s pointless turning up to negotiations with telephone books worth of detail and preparation and legalistic mumbo-jumbo. We’ve got our cliffs. We’ve got our slogan. We’re ready to go. What have they got?”

And once the Dover slogan has had time to embed itself in the EU’s consciousness there will be more.

“We’re going to crowd fund for further slogans. But these will be individually tailored to divide and conquer the EU27. We’ll insult the Germans in French in Germany. We’ll insult the Italians in Spanish in Italy. And so on. They’ll be at each other’s throats and we’ll be sitting smug, telling them exactly how it’s going to be.”

But critics of the policy have warned of the needless expense of dreaming up individual slogans for each country.

“All they really need to know is that the UK is now a local country for local people and everyone else should just stay away,” one said.

Given that the UK’s political class has spent the last week arguing over what to do with a large bell, it’s fair to say, everyone already knows what they’re dealing with as Mr Johnson leads the UK his own way.

Mark Francois headbutts Big Ben

Let me tell you a story about a little Tory. A diminutive man, with a great big plan.

The little Tory was called Mark. He lived a happy, carefree life. He was part of a gang of bigger boys, who looked after little Mark like he was their baby brother.

One day, the big boys decided that they wanted to be the only gang in town. They picked fights with all the other gangs, relying on the fact that their opponents were happier fighting amongst themselves than against Mark’s gang, who fought dirty and had the best slogans.

Little Mark was overjoyed to be part of such a cool crowd. He wasn’t much of a fighter but he did turn out to be an excellent cheerleader. Indeed he rose to the position of gang mascot. He found himself much in demand to tell stories of his gang’s fights and wins.

Little Mark loved his new role. He greatly enjoyed telling his stories. As time went by, his stories became more and more elaborate. It didn’t matter that most of his stories were made up. He was living the fairy tale.

Finally, unbelievably, his gang did indeed become the biggest gang in town. They ran the town, and if anyone complained, well they only had themselves to blame.

Little Mark’s big plan was to celebrate victory by sounding the biggest bell in town. But how was he to do it? A local fairy godmother gave him some sage advice:

“Climb the tower on the stroke of eleven,

Take a breath in sight of Heaven.

Take a run up, do it well

And bash your head against the bell.”

So little Mark did as he was instructed. At eleven o’clock he climbed the tower, pausing only to take in the celestial singing and watch the fairies and the unicorns fluttering about. He took aim, and sprinted headlong at the bell…

There was a dull clang, and little Mark fell, unconscious, to the foot of the tower.

He was found by two passers by. “Should we call an ambulance?” asked one.

“No, we can’t afford one,” replied the other. “Who is this chap anyway?”

“I don’t know, but his face rings a bell.”

Dom reforms defence – pilots to supply own planes, accept combat missions via ‘RAFer’ app!

LONG RUNNING GOVERNMENT IT PROJECTS : PRIME MINISTER FOR LIFE, BORIS JOHNSON, has already let it be known that genius brain box, Dominic ‘keep’ Cummings, has been given carte blanche to reform the UK’s civil service and defence. This is now bearing fruit.

Under changes being revealed today the RAF will be a pilot scheme for a re-organisation of the UK’s defence forces, in line with the gig economy business models.

“RAFer will deliver substantial savings to the public purse,” Defence Minister, Mr Know One-asear’dof, told a packed press conference in White Hall, “the savings will be passed on to married, Conservative voting couples via tax breaks. This is not about cynical electioneering in advance of the 2020 general election, to bribe moderate Conservative voters to stick with us via financial self interest. This is about modernising outdated systems for the modern age.”

But criticism of the pilot scheme has already begun with many claiming RAFer is not British enough.

“It’s the carte blanche that worries me,” Tory MP, A P Otato, told LCD Views, in a sign that even a large parliamentary majority doesn’t ensure turbulence free governance, “carte blanche sounds a bit French to me. I am a little concerned the MOD may have been infiltrated by Brussels? Surely the prime minister’s unelected advisor should have been given something more British, like free range? Like a good egg?”

What the RAF’s pilots think about the change isn’t clear. Although most will presumably already have and use Uber, so RAFer should be easy enough to navigate.

Labour’s defence spokesman is unconvinced though, but he was too busy undergoing a purity of essence test, in the hope of remaining part of the new shadow cabinet, and was unavailable for comment.

LCD Views would like to commend the government for its radical reforms, but we are just a bit worried that RAF pilots won’t be fully self-employed, as they maybe able to supply their own planes, but they can’t accept combat missions without the government app, so doesn’t that make them employees still? Isn’t there the risk that the savings to the taxpayer maybe reduced by employee related law suits down the line? We shall see.

Air defence – there’s an app for that!

Downing Street announces 100 DAYS of BREAD and CIRCUSES to begin 1st February

WE’RE NOT LETTING YOU EAT CAKE : DOWNING STREET has put the entire United Kingdom in the mood to party today with the announcement that one hundred days of bread and circuses will kick off on the 1st February this year.

“Instead of bread there will be cardboard,” a Downing Street source said, announcing the months of celebrations, “although Emperor Borix is willing to bung a bob into a crowdfunder for actual bread, if anyone is interested?”

And what about the circuses?

“Yes. Rumours have been circulating that the demolition of the Houses of Parliament, fast tracked to begin next week, is to make way for the building of the first amphitheatre in London since Romexit. But that’s fake news. We’re just demolishing the Houses of Parliament because they’ve outlived their usefulness, now we have our majority. The area will be replaced with a giant pit for book burnings.”

So where will the circuses be?

“The front pages of The Express, The Daily Mail and The Telegraph,” the source beamed, “just wall to wall hilarious nonsense and distractions from the actual political machinations day after day. Meghan and Harry think it’s all going to blow over? Ha! Not today. Attenborough wants to witter away about the boiling seas? Who cares! Big Ben isn’t going to bong for Brexit. OMFG!!! Grab your hair and take to the streets screaming, if you please.”

But the focus on what some consider distractions are revealing. In many ways the stories symbolise what a trivial, debased and joke country we’ve become. Our elected representatives taken en masse untroubled by the disregard for the rule of electoral law. The public largely treating the same with a shrug.

“Next you’ll be asking me where is the intelligence report into Russian interference in UK democracy?”

Good question.

“And whether or not a follow up one is planned regarding the buying of political and cultural influence to achieve Brexit by US billionaires.”

Now that you mention it…

“What you’re telling me is we need to bring back the page three girls in the tabloids.”

In place of reporting on the abandonment of Mr Johnson’s promises?

“ZNikki (the Z is silent), Shaffold, 21, likes astrophysics. Yeah. Get some of it. Don’t worry about the business of governance. You leave that to me. Enjoy the bread and circuses! On the 1st of February you will awake free! You’ll see.”

Big Ben replica will chime at Mar-a-lago 11pm 01/31/20 – Johnson to build from wine crates and craft glue

TRUMP WILL GO LIKE THE CLAPPERS : BORIS JOHNSON IS WORKING OVERTIME all through January as the deadline for the legal departure of the United Kingdom from the European Union looms on the horizon.

“Boris is drinking 24/7. Bordeaux mostly, with some Louis Latour Cordon champagne in the evenings,” a Downing Street source reveals.

“He is going to need a lot of empty wine crates to make the replica Big Ben in time for transport to Florida. Happily the public are ready to foot the bill for the craft glue and paint. And the RAF are on standby to fly Big Ben 2 to Mar-a-lago. The Atlas jet is fuelled and waiting on the tarmac at Lakenheath as we speak.”

But controversy has immediately engulfed the prime minister’s decision to construct a replica Big Ben to chime on the 31st January, marking the moment the United Kingdom takes its star off the Flag of Europe and sticks it onto the Stars and Stripes.

“Apparently Mr Johnson is choosing the wine himself and has not employed an actual sommelier,” the source admitted, “but if there’s one thing Mr Johnson has experience in, it’s wine. This is a storm in a teacup. Or a bubble in a flute, if you will.”

But shouldn’t the wine be English sparkling wine?

“Ha! That’s just for the plebs. Oh my God! You don’t expect Al to drink that do you? Wow. Listen. Tomorrow the Express is going front page with the story that Mr Johnson is using a pole dancer’s pole internally, to hang the bell on in his replica Elizabeth Tower. Focus on that.”

And who will ring the replica bell?

“Well that’s a sore point in the Conservative Party. Mark Francois is insistent he should do it, but apparently he’s having trouble getting a visa for the USA. Some wrangle over the trade rules to do with import of potatoes. So Mr Trump is going to do it himself. Which is fitting, as it’s the moment he becomes President of the United Kingdom. His handlers just have to educate him over time zone differences so he can strike the right note in time.”

Where will Mr Johnson be?

“Hiding in a walk in fridge on Mustique. Where else?”

Downing Street confirms there has never been a France and protestors can learn nothing there

SACRE NERR : GLOBAL BRITONS! GET YOUR MAPS OUT AND YOUR MARKER PENS BECAUSE FRANCE DOES NOT EXIST.

10 Downing Street has reacted swiftly today to the news that weeks of French protestors protesting against pension age reform has borne fruit. The fruit being Macron drawing back from plans to make them all work a little bit longer, but nowhere near as long as what the British public is prepared to swallow in order to help billionaires stop paying tax.

“We have lately been receiving queries regarding a non-existent country’s decision to quash a reform that has proven so unpopular people protested for weeks,” a Downing Street source said, “this has no application in Mighty Brexitannia because the non-existent country concerned does not exist. So let’s have no more talk about it. Our country is united behind the result of our rigorously conceived and administered plebiscite in 2016 and all now want the result, whatever it was, delivered.”

But while the stance from Downing Street is adamant that the country concerned does not exist, behind closed doors there are whispers that this is not true and action to distract should be taken.

“Mr Johnson is going to attach a miniature replica of Big Ben to his todger and bong it,” the source said, “that’s the front runner. Other ideas include deporting Kate and William. I mean how much distraction has the other pair provided? Jesus wept. No one is asking about our make believe plans for the country or the Russia report. It’s mint!”

It’s clear action needs to be taken. Otherwise anti-Brexit protestors may get the crazy idea that one polite protest every six months simply wasn’t enough? Just like a couple of big ones weren’t enough to stop the Iraq War, and maybe a more determined approach is needed? And that we should emulate the French?

Here at LCD Views we are happy to help.

France, does not, exist. There.

For his part fictional British prime minister, Boris Johnson, has advised his make believe equivalent, Macron, to just “Get pension reform done”. There, that’s that sorted and back to Mustique.

Mark Francois sells his collection of vintage Marathon wrappers to raise money for Big Ben’s bongs

DIGGING DEEP FOR WHAT MATTERS : Tory Brexit MP Mark Francois is putting his money where his mouth is in the desperate desire to hear a big bell go bong. This will make him feel giddy and that he is part of an empire.

“That’s novel,” a close aide told LCD Views, “putting his money where his mouth is. He normally puts confectionary where his mouth is and charges the taxpayer for it.”

Upon learning that Drowning Street had no money left, after spaffing it all up the wall for the enrichment of billionaire tax dodgers (i.e. Brexit), and thus there was no money to repair Big Ben in time for the 31st January, little Mark had a big idea.

“He was so enraged when he learned the EU had forced Marathons to become Snickers,” the aide recalled, “it was thirty years ago of course, but Mark never let it go. It would be fair to speculate that the over reach over confectionary on the part of the tyrannical, unelected, EU superstate is what first turned Mark into a Brexiter.”

In preparation for the dark day when Marathons would become Snickers, and thus no longer measured in imperial but metric, Mark decided to eat as many as he could and save the Marathon wrappers in memoriam.

“This is a big sacrifice for Mark,” the aide added, “you won’t find him putting his hand in his pocket to offset any of the obvious and continual economic damage to people from Brexit, but he’ll auction off his Marathon wrappers to hear a big bell go bong. Quite the little potatriot.”

Donald Trump fails to notice his pet goldfish died of neglect after White House staff replace with similar one

CLOSE CALL : THE WHITE HOUSE was almost in nuclear level meltdown this week after US President Donald Trump’s pet Goldfish (called ‘Just the greatest gold fish, you’ve never seen a gold fish so gold, not many people know this, but this is the goldest goldfish’, or ‘Fish’ for short) died.

The fish itself is believed to have been a gift from a well wisher for one of Donald Trump’s children, but he liked it so much he kept it for himself. In an oval fish tank, on his desk, a tank with no corners.

“While the rumour regarding Fish’s origins is well known, it’s not true,” a White House warden told LCD Views, on the condition of anonymity, “he was bought the fish by FLOTUS Melania after her therapist recommended it. The thinking being that if Mr Trump could learn to care for a gold fish, he might learn to care for bigger things? A pretty dodgy line of thinking, if you ask me. It’s unlikely he has the mental age for such a serious responsibility.”

However, the timely replacement of Fish is thought to have had global implications, with staff racing to the nearest aquarium shop while Mr Trump was distracted by golf. Oh, and the Iran crisis. He was definitely paying attention to that too. He wasn’t eating a cheeseburger in the toilet the whole time, ranting on Twitter.

“Mr Trump would probably have launched an air strike against whatever rogue state he decided assass…asshat..assassineted…killed Fish. But with Fish 2nd in the oval bowl catastrophe was averted.”

But how come the staff were able to fool a man who describes his own brain as the greatest brain?

“Fish 2nd looks almost exactly the same as Fish 1st, I don’t think he’s sat still long enough to notice any difference. Although there was a tense moment when Fist 1st was flushed down the Oval Office toilet, in case Mr Trump walked in and noticed.”