EU TELLS JOHNSON TO GET INK’D : The EU have rocked Downing Street late this afternoon by attaching a last minute condition to their latest Brexit extension offer.
“Just as Boris Johnson was waiting by the Fax machine to receive the print out of the Jan 31st offer a text message arrived, unsigned, with the ink condition,” our truthful Downing Street Source reveals, “and it’s non-negotiable.”
The condition appears to be related to Mr Johnson’s earlier claim that he would “die in a ditch” before asking for an extension to Article 50, beyond the Halloween deadline.
“It’s because foreigners can’t understand English unless you shout it at them,” the source understands, “they thought he said something about getting October 31st tattooed on his face if the UK didn’t leave by Halloween.
“As he says things like this in a throwaway fashion all the time, the EU27 think it’s time for a consequence. For him to face his actions. They’ve told him he has to get ink’d. Presumably that’s some kind of Brusswellian street talk. They’re trying to sound ‘ard.”
Whether or not Mr Johnson will agree to get the ink done is not yet clear, although Mr Gove is understood to be willing to do it for him with a black biro and a safety pin. And probably a lot of spit. Maybe also some toilet tissue.
“Gove undoubtably has the skills to tattoo the date in Mr Johnson’s face,” the source continued, “based on what we now know about his earlier life and his involvement in hard drugs. But I’d be worried about the health risks if I were Mr Johnson. I’d get a qualified tattooist to do the ink.”
But a spokesman for Brussels said the condition was a result of a translator mix up and the accidental sending of Emmanuel Macron’s input into the Brexit extension request matter.
“Mr Macron,” the spokesman clarified, “he told Mr Johnson to get somewhere. But it wasn’t ink’d. It began with an f and ends with a d. But that said, by all means, go and get the date tattooed on your face you silly English kniggits.”