Queen expected to ask Sir Keir Starmer to form a government in speech this weekend

CREDIBILITY IS SUCCESS : LCD Views‘ wish fulfilment correspondent has the scoop today on news that Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth (the second of her name) is busily rewriting her speech for this weekend.

The speech, in the works for days now, had focused on a national pep talk from the national matriarch. But events have changed the focus.

“She’s been dictating the new section all morning,” our royal insider reveals, “the sudden hope that Labour will stop being a student protest movement, run by multi-millionaire career politicians and a union boss with a flat in The Shard, who somehow managed to convince significant numbers of supporters they were out to revolutionise the lamb they grew fat off, and not just bleat from the sidelines while their social media outriders told anyone who critiqued their approach to F off and join the Tories, with an obsessive focus on internal purity contests, and actually fulfil its role of being a credible, official opposition holding the government to account, well this long sentence has Her Maj burning oil from midnight to morning. Much in the way her ancestors used to burn witches.”

And if the same long sentence has you tetchy, look up Corbyn’s history of tweets about “Jobs First Brexit” a “Brexit that protects jobs and rights” yadda yadda, and wonder why supporting the Tory’s hard right ideological aims, in the hope of somehow converting that into a socialist revolution, failed so miserably? A cold virus has done a lot more to win that argument.

“But this is a Star Wars‘ moment as Starmer sees the country’s auto-corrects tumbling all over Keri, we mean Kier, ffs! Keir Starmer,” the correspondent adds, “perhaps as a lawyer, and former Director of Public Prosecutions he maybe expected to take a much keener interest in all the blatant lawbreaking going on in government. Something his predecessor didn’t bother himself too much with.”

Good luck Starmer, you’re going to need it, rise to the challenge. Lammy, Cooper, Rayner, Phillips, Benn, Dr Rosena Allin-Khan, Kyle, Hayes, well the list of talents to fill the Shadow Cabinet with is long.

“He’s getting a good boost from the Queen at the start,” our correspondent finishes, “she’s going to use her speech to ask him to form a government.”

Steer Calmer elected as new Labour slogan

First Brexit, now CV-19. The UK has seen some very choppy waters in recent years. Now Labour wants to Steer the UK into Calmer seas. Labour’s new slogan promises to Make Politics Boring Again.

Steer Calmer is the phrase on everybody’s lips. No more floundering in the muddy waters of Lake Corbyn, no more desperate struggles to hitch the bandwagon to HMS Boris Johnson. Instead we are expecting oil to be poured onto the UK’s troubled waters.

This is a distinct change from the current Prime Minister In Hiding, whose instincts lead him not to pour oil on troubled waters, but to build a bridge over them instead.

This is the moment that lefty snowflakes have been waiting for. The Left may sometimes have better policies, but the Right usually has the better slogans. No slogan is better than a bad slogan, and Steer Calmer is not too bad as these things go.

A slogan in itself cannot create ventilators out of thin air, or bring harmony to international talks. But, by soothing the people and the economy, maybe the good old Magic Money Tree will be tempted to bear fruit.

Naturally, the world’s media all wanted to Zoom in on the slogan from the safety of their bedrooms. “Steer Calmer means Steer Calmer,” began the slogan, promisingly. Hundreds of eager hacks jabbed frantically at their bedside laptops. “It is an honour to be the new slogan of the Labour Party. New Labour, new slogan!” This was terrific stuff. Keyboards up and down the country were seeing action on a Saturday morning for the first time in decades. “My first priority is to preserve the NHS. And not by boiling it with sugar like my predecessor. I will un-jam the health service!”

The connection collapsed like the promise of free broadband, as every hack tried to ask a question at the same time. The virtual press conference was dead in the water.

Now there is only one thing for it. Get Boris Done.

Downing Street confirms it will ramp up social distance between itself and reality

The ramps go up to 11: The government has today confirmed that the social distance between itself and any resemblance to what the hell is going on in the country is being ramped up. Ramped up to 11. That’s 1 more rampier than the usual 10.

Traditionally, governments have always ensured that there is a distance of at least ten social strata between themselves and real life. This is being ramplified by including NHS staff as an extra tier, so that the parliamentarians can feel safer and more superior.

No Downing Street ‘source’ was available to comment. This is because the source of all the ‘sources’ has gone to ground claiming coronavirus infection. With the going of Cummings, it was left to Boris Johnson’s ‘personal assistant’ Carrie Borisbaby to brief us.

“Don’t quote me on this,” she said threateningly into her burn phone. “But I think they have finally lost it.”

Lost what?

“Any grasp on the reality of the situation,” she said. “People are dying, there is a desperate lack of medical equipment and protective clothing, mixed messages continue to be sent out. And yet, nothing happens except a bunch of people die and spokesmen waffle meaninglessly.”

So what is there to be done?

“Any number of things,” she replied. “But instead, the government is increasing the gap between itself and the country. It has self isolated in the sunlit uplands of the mind, where fine words not only butter parsnips but also solve all problems.”

Fiddling while Rome burns?

“Exactly,” she grumbled. “If they dither and delay long enough, the whole pandemic will have blown over before they actually have to put their hands in their pockets. The only thing being ramped up is government rhetoric.”

And of course the government is also ramping up its antisocial distancing.

Fire brigade called out to massive blaze in Michael Gove’s pants

Key workers in Westminster were put under extreme pressure yesterday. This is because the self styled lizard king, Michael Gove, emerged from hibernation and opened his mouth.

“Good morning,” said Gove, and immediately there was a whiff of singed polycotton. Seasoned Gove observers reached immediately for their phones to ring 999.

“The government is doing everything it can during this crisis,” he continued, as a small flicker of flame was noticed by some of the assembled journalists.

“We are ramping up the number of covid-19 tests,” Gove announced, and now the flames were clearly visible to everyone present.

“Unfortunately there is a shortage of available chemical reagents,” he continued. Everyone retreated from the conflagration, as the fire brigade screeched to a halt.

“We tried to obtain a supply, but accidentally deleted the relevant email,” he concluded, while volunteer firemen in homemade firefighting gear hurried to unroll their hoses.

Gove stood there, bewildered, as the fire fighters trained their equipment on his rear end. He blinked incomprehendingly as the flames were doused. “Well, that was a lot of fuss about nothing,” he remarked, as his sodden pants spontaneously burst into flame again.

The firemen stopped mending their protective clothing with sellotape for a moment to give his bum another blast of cold water.

Gove gave a little shake, like a damp dog, and settled himself again. “Wow, I’m on fire today!” he quipped. The fire brigade looked on anxiously, but Gove just continued to drip.

“I am proud to announce that a large consignment of British ventilators will be delivered this week!” he dribbled. With an explosion the flames burst forth again. The firemen, resigned to their fate, anchored the hoses in position and sat a safe distance away.

“There will be over 8,000 new machines, including the 8,000 we already have!” he crowed.

The fire had gained the upper hand. Everybody retreated and ran for cover as Gove happily continued the briefing.

Michael Gove is rumoured to own several hundred pairs of asbestos underpants.

Downing Street to “ramp up” mass testing for Blitz spirit

THIS IS FINE : DOWNING STREET HAS RESPONDED to criticism of its Covid-19 strategy by hiring in the spin doctors that did so much for the great British public in the Brexit and GE campaigns.

The first thing that any sensible country needs in a pandemic is coherent messaging in favour of the governing political elite. The British people can rest assured now that such complex chants as “Get Coronavirus Done!” will soon take the place of policy.

“But we’re doing more,” a Tory MP (who no one has ever heard of before) told LCD Views, “it’s my turn in the media spotlight today. Just for 24hours, that’s the average self life of a Tory MP sent out to dissemble and bullshit the pubic during the CV crisis. It’s like aerial combat in WW1 [Ed. It’s not].”

And one of the raft of new measures to hit the ground running and lie in front of the Covid-19 bulldozer is mass public testing. Just like Germany and South Korea, but more British.

“If you don’t know where the Blitz Spirit is how are you supposed to employ it to combat a virus?” the Tory MP asked, and looked very satisfied.

“Some silly countries aren’t using herd immunity, they’re actually mass testing to try and save lives. As if that’s the job of government?! You can’t save people who will die anyway one day, but you can plant yourself and your staff in front of the tax havens and say Thou Shall Not Pass!”

As part of the drive upwards of 100,000 people a day will soon be tested to see if they have the magic ingredient needed to combat the virus.

“If you have Blitz Spirit you’ll be given a roll of toilet paper and told you can go back to work,” the MP nodded, “the virus doesn’t stand a chance.”

We MUST cancel Brexit NOW, says Boris Johnson

Don’t panic: The covid-19 outbreak has led to an outbreak of common sense. The cabinet is united, and wants to cancel Brexit immediately.

Pandemic panic aside, why the change of heart? Boris Johnson took to Twitter this morning to explain.

“The evidence of the last few weeks is enough for me,” he wrote. “The public cannot cope with ambiguous and frequently contradictory statements. So I’m really going to be clear now. No. More. Brexit. No more uncertainty. We will apply to rejoin the EU, no hard feelings old chap, and continue as part of a larger, united whole.”

Other cabinet members were equally forthright.

“I must say I’m delighted,” chirped an ecstatic Michael Gove. “It’s the outcome we always desired. We have always believed that we are stronger together. Vive la EU!”

“It’s such a good move for the economy,” claimed Chancellor Rishi Sunak. “We are going to put the entire population on furlough, with full pay, for the rest of the year. Even after the coronavirus issue has passed, this will give us an opportunity to rebuild society and fractured communities. Hurrah!”

“Germany has shown us the way to run a health service,” claimed Matt Hancock soberly. “We will absorb these lessons through our EU membership, and in future we promise to fund our precious NHS properly. What price a healthy nation?”

“It’s thoroughly splendid to welcome back free movement,” smirked Priti Patel. “This great country has always attracted the brightest and best from across the globe, the cross fertilisation of ideas and cultures on this beautiful island is what makes us world leaders. Open the borders, welcome people with open arms (once the current restrictions are lifted, ha ha). Open Britain is Global Britain!”

“I will never have to get mixed up over Dover and Calais ever again!” sighed Dominic Raab. “I can let the EU deal with the details and just deal with broad brush stuff myself. Phew!”

Chris Grayling was too busy failing to organise a piss-up in a long-closed brewery to celebrate his birthday to comment.

Happy April 1st everybody!

Downing Street says reports of a Tyrannosaurus Rex rampaging in Devon are “exaggerated”

DON’T GO OUTSIDE JUST DON’T : MASS CONFUSION at the heart of UK government today after reports of a TYRANNOSAURUS REX rampaging in Devon.

The confusion appears to centre on the question of “Why Devon?”

“Dominic Cummings’ underground bunker is up north. So why Devon?” our pseudo science correspondent asks, which isn’t much use, as they’re supposed to solve riddles, not raise them.

But under pressure to provide further details a Downing Street ‘source’ wasn’t giving much away.

“Wales can have goats, why can’t Devon have a Tyrannosaurus Rex?” the source shrugged, “we’re not going to do anything about it from central government. We’re too busy wracking our brains for what’s a plausible reason not to take part in EU schemes to tackle Coronavirus, and other beer related sicknesses.”

Local police however aren’t taking the matter lightly, with reports that an officer who was standing outside a Tesco Metro with a megaphone shouting at people who are even thinking about buying an Easter egg, has been “repurposed” to confront the giant primeval chicken, and demand to know if its journey is “essential, or are you flagrantly breaching the conditions of the half baked lockdown enforced after even Johnson couldn’t ignore the tide of sick and disgust lapping at his door?”

It’s not clear how much damage the creature has caused yet. Nor whose secret lab it has escaped from.

One thing we do know for certain is that it is at least safe from pseudo-science, lethal, eugenics fetishising public health policies like “herd immunity”, as there’s currently only one Tyrannosaurus Rex once you discount the inhabitants of both 10 Downing Street and the White House.

Boris Johnson to write to all NHS staff thanking them for “taking one for the team”

Message to the front line: “I say, you fine young men and women at the sharp end of the NHS, you’re laying down your lives for England! Jolly good show! When the War On Coronavirus is won – and England WILL win – we will remember your sacrifice. Whew! Spiffing! Did I leave anything out?”

Not bad for a first draft, but it does lack references to Spitfires and the Blitz Spirit.

Boris Johnson is to write to everybody working in the NHS to thank them for dying of CV-19, so nobody else has to. The envelopes will be sealed by Johnson’s virusy fingers, and the stamps licked by his virusy tongue. Recipients are advised to wash the letters in soap and water for 20 seconds before opening.

The letter is being cobbled together by whichever people in Number Ten are still free of the virus and at least semi literate. Lacking the guidance of head honcho Dominic Cummings, the letter is rather freeform and stylistically inconsistent. So no change there.

Amidst the waffle and the non sequiturs rests the phrase “taking one for the team”. Rumours suggest that Johnson himself inserted this particularly offensive metaphor, thinking it amusing.

Cummings would not have permitted this. He keeps Johnson on a very tight leash, although occasionally random wiff waff does slip out. However, Cummings was last seen loping away from the Downing Street back door and straight into self isolation. Maybe Carrie Symonds was tired of being the third wheel in the relationship.

NHS staff are utterly delighted to be congratulated in this way. “I think it’s fantastic to get such high profile recognition!” gushed nurse Tori Plant. Her remarks were later discredited since she was discovered to be a Tory plant.

Most NHS employees would rather have some decent PPE, but then some people do like to whinge on about health and safety. They have already had a round of applause, what more do they want of us?

Meanwhile, the foot soldiers on the front line ponder the old lie: Dulce et decorum est, pro patria mori.

Mix up as Johnson sends two letters to every household – one arguing for CV19 and one against

Nothing to see here: it’s all going so well. Joined up, big government is the order of the day. Unfortunately we don’t have anything like that in this country. Boris Johnson is leaving the big decisions to individual householders.

This is a bold move. At a stroke, Johnson has avoided both responsibility and the need to do any work.

The message, when it arrives with a fresh FREE sample of coronavirus straight from 10 Downing Street, will contain not just one letter but two. One will argue the case in favour of CV19, and the other against.

LCD Views contacted the Prime Minister’s office, and the only available ‘source’ spoke to our My Indecision Is Final correspondent.

“Make this quick, I need another power nap,” purred the ‘source’, who turned out to be none other than Larry the Cat. “As the only inhabitant of Downing Street not infected with CV19, I’ve had a very busy day.”

Why the two letters, we wanted to know.

Larry slowly stretched out in the weak spring sunshine and yawned. “Got any cat treats?” he asked, finally.

Half a packet of Dreamies later, he was able to give us some insight.

“I don’t think the big blond human has a single thought in his scruffy head,” he miaowed. “Now that the other human has scarpered, you know, the bald psychopathic one… err…”

You mean Dominic Cummings?

“Yeah, that’s the one,” agreed Larry. “So, Scruffy doesn’t know what to think without Psycho whispering in his ear, and I think that he is trying to duck the issue while appearing to take decisive action.”

Johnson will have more splinters in his bum than Jeremy Corbyn!

“Who?” asked Larry.

The old, useless one who falls asleep on trains.

“Oh, yeah,” yawned Larry. “Shame he didn’t become PM, I was planning to crap on the bed every night if he won. Sort the podium for me, will you?”

And with that Larry strolled back into Number Ten.

The decision is yours. Herd immunity, or heard enough?

Boris Johnson to mail one free sheet of toilet paper to every UK household

CLENCH AND RELEASE : RAPTURE across the land today with the news that great leader, Boris de piffle Johnson, has mailed one free sheet of toilet paper to all UK households.

The paper, described by a Downing Street ‘source’ as “high grade, capable of absorbing extreme quantities of BS”, is a gift to an anxious nation in its hour of need.

The estimated cost of £38 million ensures that traditional British methods of communication continue in spite of the plague. Royal Mail employees are thought to be especially pleased.

“This will reassure everyone that Mr Johnson is still leading the country in its hours of need, in spite of being unwell,” the source added, “Mr Johnson will urge everyone to do as he says, not what he does, given that an inability to socially isolate has caused the prime minister, and health secretary, to contract CV-19 in the first place.”

But of course there’s always critics, with some suggesting that digital media and television would have served just as well to mass communicate that the UK is no longer doing herd immunity, now that the herd is infected.

“Look, what are you most worried about? People dying who would have died one day anyway? The inability to react swiftly to fast moving events, given that every policy decision has to take into account the defence of Brexit? The failure to prepare the NHS properly in the months leading up to the crisis, in spite of President Xi of China phoning the prime minister in January. The lack of WHO compliant PPE and ventilators? The fact that we’re set for a potential fresh food crisis in the summer due to lack of farm labour, and the baffling lack of Brexiters stepping up for field work? The use of nudge theory to combat a virus? The lies over the EU procurement scheme for medical supplies? The failure to release the Russia report? The apparent long grassing of the Arcuri investigation? Not knowing who paid for the prime minister’s holiday in Mustique? The apparent fiddling of CV-19 death stats in the manner of unemployment statistics? Or that you haven’t personally heard yet from the prime minister via a letter?”

As to what NHS workers, many still insufficiently safeguarded against infection, to the point where some have started dying, should do when they receive the toilet paper? The source has this to say :

“On the reverse of the paper there will be printed instructions for how to use origami to turn the letter into a medical face mask. We really are doing whatever it takes.”