Johnson puts all CV-19 rules in lucky dip box – punters to choose which rules to follow by chance

FCUK NOES WOT RULZ : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON HAS MOVED TO BRING CLARITY to the rules, laws, regulations, restrictions and confusion relating to CV-19 restrictions in England.

“He’s replacing the whole lot of them with a lucky dip box,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it’s going to upset Matt Hancock. He spends hours each day transcribing fevered voicemails left for him by Cummings into new laws. But no one cares about Matt. So that’s alright.”

The move to replace an increasingly complex set of guidelines, and legally enforceable rules, with one box of chance is thought to be a reaction to the embarrassment the Prime Minister experienced yesterday.

“That journalist who asked him about the rules in the NE needs a beating,” the source grumbled, “imagine expecting this prime minister to be able to clearly communicate anything? It’s not fair. That’s not why he is there.”

To make it properly exciting all the rules currently in force in England will be put into the boxes, which will be placed on street corners across the country.

“You simply walk up to the box when you go outside and pull out a slip of paper. The rule you have to follow will be written on it. It will bring a sense of suspense to what is a pretty dull period. You might even get lucky and pull out one of the early rules telling you to just get sick and get over it.”

But like any game of chance there will be one amazing prize to be grasped by the fortunate.

“The Barnard Castle Eye Test is the major prize. Pull that rabbit out of the hat and you get to go anywhere, sick or not.”

Priti Patel leads mission to Mars to establish refugee camp

IN THE FROZEN DARKNESS OF HER HEART : Those wishing UK Home Secretary Priti Patel would just bugger off are to see their wish fulfilled.

The Home Office is expected to confirm rumours circulating that Ms Patel has been chosen to lead a mission to Mars.

“Not chosen, demanded it,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman said, “Dominic Raab showed her an article about the discovery of salty lakes under the Martian pole and asked her to point them out on his UK map. But Patel was so excited she could barely stand it and ran here.”

It seems Mr Raab was left open mouthed with his question unanswered (to this day) as the Home Secretary moved rapidly to cobble together a Martian mission, with the Prime Minister’s blessings.

“She’s going to scoop those terrifying people straight out of the English Channel and stuff them into the cargo hold of her new space shit. I mean, space ship,” the Downing Street source informs, “then it’s turbo boost all the way to Mars. Drill down under the polar cap. Shove the desperate people into some cages and job done. Try getting your claim for asylum processed from Mars! Ha! Global Britain! What a brand. It’s all smiles for Priti from there on in, not that you’ll notice the difference.”

But while the plan itself is clearly feasible and an extension of compassionate conservatism, some astronomers have suggested all may not go according to plan.

“Recent photos of Mars show there’s already vans driving around the poles with loudhailers shouting ‘Bog off! We’re full!’ as Nigel Farage attempts to pull off Marsxit, having failed to end FOM in Switzerland.”

Boris Johnson to return 30% of UK to wilderness by paying Serco millions to plant one tree

LORD OF THE LIES : BORIS JOHNSON has another big promise for the side of his famous bus this week with the promise to return 30% of the UK to wilderness.

“It’ll make our version of the Hunger Games (to come) after Brexit much more exciting,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “imagine skinny school leavers hiding behind trees, while being hunted down by ruddy cheeked, well fed, posh kids who have had Covid tests?”

The actual mechanism of the return to wilderness will of course be Brexit.

“We’re reliving the 80’s and Thatcher’s not exactly always creative destruction of traditional industries. Those industries that sprung up as a result, we’re going to now destroy them. It’s levelling. We destroyed the north and the midlands. Now we’re destroying the south. It’s fantastic. Really exciting and a great way to enlarge your property portfolio.”

But critics have pointed out that merely ending auto manufacturing and the aerospace industry won’t hit the 30% target.

“That’s why we’re destroying the financial district too. Imagine a temperate rain forest in the middle of London in which you can go hunting? It will be fantastic. You’ve had an overly long meeting with your lawyer and accountant about creative ways to lower your tax bill, then you can just step across the road and go and shoot something. Basically it’s a wet dream for us in government.”

There will of course also be tangible benefits for members of the public.

“When you lose your home you can go and sleep in a forest. Not a bad deal. Think of it as a staycation. Just another tangible benefit of Brexit. And for those bellyaching critics who say it’s just another big announcement and nothing will happen. You want until you see how much Serco is going to charge to plant a tree.”

Downing Street bans smiling in public as “smiling is infectious”

FAHRENHEIT 55 (TUFTON STREET) : DOWNING STREET has moved to make patriots even safer with a ban on public smiling coming into force from midnight.

The new measure is being taken not against Coronavirus, although it utilises legislation being used to make CV-19 regulations, but to better prepare the people for the end of the Brexit transition period.

“It goes hand in hand with banning literature in schools,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we need the people of one mind. And that mind needs to be downcast and staring at the cracks in the pavement.”

The fine for public smiling will start at £1,000 but ratchet up rapidly the bigger the smile is.

“If teeth are involved you are looking at £10K and perhaps a custodial sentence,” the source adds, “smiles are as infectious as a novel cold virus and we need to stamp them out. And don’t even think about laughing. You’ll be tasered.”

But critics of the new ban point out that with the hash the government is making of (*checks notes) everything there is no need to outlaw smiling.

“What do we have to smile about?” one punter told us, “they’ve taken the Oven Ready Brexit Deal out of the oven before it was even warmed up. They’ve stripped us of so many rights it’s mind boggling. They’re clearly pursuing herd immunity with CV-19, based on a lively mash up of eugenics, sociopathy and idiocy. The economy is set for a world beating crash to the benefit of Tory donors. We’re all miserable. And winter is coming! They don’t need to ban smiling in public. They might want to ban pitchforks though!”

But regardless of what Joe or Jolene Public think the ban is coming into force, with one or two exceptions.

“Matt Hancock will still be able to grin inanely as he struggles to comprehend what he’s done. And Priti Patel can’t help herself. There is a clear need for exceptions with those two. Oh, and Dom will still be able to smile in public. He retains the right to signal the contempt he holds for every last one of us.”

Downing Street orders all English towns and cities to renew medieval walls before 2021

FETCHEZ LA VACHE : A NEW DICTAT FROM DOWNING STREET has served to quell rising tensions within the Tory Party today as it promises to get Britain building again, and fast.

“All English towns and cities have to renew their medieval walls before 2021,” a Downing Street source explained to LCD Views, “which potentially leaves Milton Keynes stuffed, but everyone else should be alright.”

The decision to rebuild walls long fallen into the realm of relics is because bygone days are here again.

“It’s likely we’ll see some conflict between towns and cities over bog roll and other vital consumables,” the source goes on, “especially near to motorways in the South East of the country as roaming, locally raised militias scour the landscape for supplies. Lorries stuck in endless jams due to Brexit will be prime targets. It’s only natural that towns will fight each other over the booty. Some of those conflicts will spill back to the towns and cities concerned. You don’t want a wild eyed war party just spilling into your burbs. It’s best to have a wall.”

It’s felt also the renewed walls will better allow Tory MPs to grasp the tangible benefits of Brexit.

“A lot of Brexit is about recapturing the lost, halcyon days of feudalism for the born to rule set. If you’re going to lord it over your serfs you need a stronghold capable of inspiring awe and fear.”

It’s felt the walling up of English towns will better serve the loyal communities when the border skirmishes renew with the Welsh and Scots too.

“And let’s not forget the prospect of invasion from the continent,” the source adds, “the English have a handy knack of importing governance from overseas when it all goes to pot. But this time we’re doing it for ourselves. The French will be right out of luck when they land at Dover looking to steal our fish! They’ll be faced with strongholds.”

Local stone should be used wherever possible to “lower the carbon footprint of your standard motte and bailey.”

And remember, there’s no need to shout “Fechez la vache!” if you keep your cows on the walls at all times and ready.

Check. Change. Go. We’re going to build some walls and we’re going to pay for it!

10pm bar closures don’t apply to Westminster as “MPs govern better when they’re drunk”

HIC : DOWNING STREET has moved to explain the difference in new boozy restrictions, as applied differently to the hoi polli and MPs.

“Have you tried running a country into the ground on the part of right wing think tanks?” a Downing Street source demanded, “it’s all very well to sit there criticising the bald faced hypocrisy of your betters, but have you tried being beholden to shadowy forces and dark money? Makes a man bloody thirsty!”

And thirsty is the prevailing mood amongst the governing class as the twin calamities of a seemingly intentionally mismanaged viral pandemic and Brexit ravage the country.

“You don’t manage a virus with the mental equivalent of improvised dance on a day to day basis while sober. Give me a break. Did you hear about that massive coke haul last week? That’s ruined our post Brexit trade policy in one go. The only place to go is the bar. Drown your sorrows! It’s the British way. No one else on Earth drinks. Did you know that? Hic.”

And the unrelenting torrent of verbal diarrhoea that daily comes out of Downing Street is proof of the efficacy of constant drinking. But why do commoners have to spill out of the pub at 10pm when MPs can just carry on boozing?

“We govern better when we’re drunk,” the source explained, “it’s obvious. Look at our decisions. Good thing there’s 0% tariffs on wine and spirits! Strong and stable governance is assured regardless of what happens with Brexit. And besides, if every MP spilled out of the Westminster bars for their Covid secure, chauffeur driven cars at 10pm it would result in one hell of a muddle!”

Downing Street confirms ‘The Great Wall of Kent’ will be built from abandoned HGVs

WHO NEEDS AN INTACT COUNTRY ANYWAY : DOWNING STREET have moved today to beat back the brush of accusations regarding their failure to plan for any future beyond tomorrow’s news cycle.

“We’ve made lots of plans for Kent,” an alien in a Gove meat suit said, “I personally have spread myself exceptionally thin all over Kent. The clean up will last weeks.”

But what specifically they intend, other than the surprise result of Kent being in a different customs territory than (*checks notes) the rest of England, hasn’t been made public.

“I can tell you now,” the alien manthing said (wet lips, really wet lips), “it’s clear Kent is going to need a wall and no one is going to pay for it. But the magic is they don’t have to. We’re going to build the wall from a ready supply of raw materials that will be found all along Kent motorways. And in concrete monstrosities that used to be fields with trees.”

And it’s not portaloos, dumped like unwanted dogs in fields.

“The Great Wall of Kent is going to be built from the carcasses of abandoned HGVs. They’ll be stripped by foraging Kentians first, as the wires and other bits can be sold to buy soup. But the metal frames will stack very nicely one on top of the other. I suspect the wall will be ten metres high in some areas.”

And the advantages of all this are self evident.

“We’re going to have to hide Kent from view so the rest of England doesn’t get advance notice of just how much we’ve screwed it all up, until we come for you too.”

Countycide, with a little bit of profiteering on the side. Go Conservatives!

No Deal Brexit gets rebrand so people love it

WHAT’S IN A NAME ANYWAY : Tory headbanger central is up to quality work today, as always, with a new and tangible way to improve the appeal of No Deal Brexit.

“We had to pull another rabbit out of the hat,” Mr Complete Sociopath MP told LCD Views, “WTO was wearing a bit thin, as some people started to actually understand what leaving the EU on WTO terms would mean. I would have you understand, I am not one of those people.”

To make the idea of a No Deal Brexit work the brains behind it realised they could build on Downing Street’s successful work during the Covid-19 crisis.

“We’re ordering everyone to refer to No Deal Brexit as the NHS No Deal Brexit now. That way everyone will love it.”

If the wheeze is successful it will be expanded into other areas.

“I mean we’re taking the absolute piss and getting away with it,” Mr Complete Sociopath noted, “the NHS track and trace app is Serco. So too pretty much anything we stick NHS in front of during the crisis. No one is stopping us in what is pretty bloody obvious deception in the interests of our flagrantly useless private interests. Let’s drive this stake all the way home.”

Be ready to see advertising for the NHS HS2 and NHS Heathrow third runway and NHS Universal Credit.

“We’re not sure if we’ll let Sunak in on the act though with an NHS Job Retention Scheme, after he failed to call the Covid spreader ‘Eat Out to Help Out’ the NHS Eat Out to Help Out. He missed a trick there. NHS Boris Johnson isn’t too impressed.”

Travel to Kent banned just until Dominic Raab can work out “what the hell is going on”

HOW MANY NATION TORIES : FOREIGN SECRETARY DOMINIC RAAB IS wrestling today with a Kentish dilemma.

It appears the sudden imposition of a border between Kent and the rest of the UK has baffled a man not exactly famous for reading maps.

“Poor little Dom has only just worked out that Dover and Calais are on either sides of a strip of water, but not in the manner of Buda and Pest, but in the sense of completely different countries and there’s no bridge,” an aide to the embattled Foreign Secretary told LCD Views. “But somehow trucks magically move between the two places. Mind blown!”

To now be faced with a Kent border seems to be too much to compute.

“Brexit is all about taking back control of our borders,” the aide continued, “in Northern Ireland, Gibraltar and now Kent. You would think Raab would be pleased, as he now gets to be even more international in his job, and he doesn’t even have to leave home.”

But it seems to buy time while he works through the conundrum Mr Raab has imposed a travel ban to and from Kent.

“It’s a standard play for vacuous populists and it should work with Kent. It also gives the truckers valuable practice at being stuck for days at fictional lines on maps, dogging and deciding which are the best located temporary toilets.”

Once Mr Raab works out that the border in Kent is a natural result of Brexit, a project he has championed for years while simultaneously doing zero preparation for, the travel restriction will be lifted.

“Don’t be silly. Kent now belongs effectively to France as Raab will never work out that it’s the result of his pet political project, and the non-existent interaction with Brexiters with reality, that established the border. Which at least solves the mystery of Dover-Calais. And besides, before he solves the Kent border problem he’s got to work out why he’s called the Foreign Secretary when he’s not foreign at all?”

New ‘Ministry of Ministerial Competence’ established by Downing Street

COUNTRY BEATING : Downing Street has moved today to “streamline, augment and foment” the world beating achievements of the Cummings’ government by the establishment of a shiny new ministry.

“The Ministry for Ministerial Competence will ramp up the gold standard delivery of service to our customers and clients,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and with an initial budget of £12bn it can only go in one direction.”

The Ministry’s chief duties will be to visit all serving cabinet ministers and pat them on the back. With Wednesday set aside to focus on PMQs and choral singing of validation for Boris Johnson on College Green.

“There’s too much gloomsaying and doom peddling about the achievements of ministers,” the source adds, “we aim to contradict that by having junior ministers from the new MMC go around daily and tell Priti Patel that tough love is justice. Braverman that the law is an arse. Raab that maps are for girly squats, and so on. This will ensure that the British people keep getting exactly what they voted for.”

And to help the work of the ministry there will be a new award established for political service.

“The Dido Harding Award for Public Service will be awarded annually. I have it on the sly that Coronavirus is tipped to win the award for 2020. But in consideration that Chris Grayling will be running the new Ministry, it can only be a matter of time until he awards it to himself.”

Other awards will also be handed out by the Ministry for Ministerial Competence.

“The Reward for Failure will be a prize trophy,” the source finishes, “although it’s probably going to have to be shared by the whole lot of them.”