EU offers UK Jan 31st Brextension on condition Johnson gets 31st October 2019 tattooed on his face

EU TELLS JOHNSON TO GET INK’D : The EU have rocked Downing Street late this afternoon by attaching a last minute condition to their latest Brexit extension offer.

“Just as Boris Johnson was waiting by the Fax machine to receive the print out of the Jan 31st offer a text message arrived, unsigned, with the ink condition,” our truthful Downing Street Source reveals, “and it’s non-negotiable.”

The condition appears to be related to Mr Johnson’s earlier claim that he would “die in a ditch” before asking for an extension to Article 50, beyond the Halloween deadline.

“It’s because foreigners can’t understand English unless you shout it at them,” the source understands, “they thought he said something about getting October 31st tattooed on his face if the UK didn’t leave by Halloween.

“Silly foreigners.

“As he says things like this in a throwaway fashion all the time, the EU27 think it’s time for a consequence. For him to face his actions. They’ve told him he has to get ink’d. Presumably that’s some kind of Brusswellian street talk. They’re trying to sound ‘ard.”

Whether or not Mr Johnson will agree to get the ink done is not yet clear, although Mr Gove is understood to be willing to do it for him with a black biro and a safety pin. And probably a lot of spit. Maybe also some toilet tissue.

“Gove undoubtably has the skills to tattoo the date in Mr Johnson’s face,” the source continued, “based on what we now know about his earlier life and his involvement in hard drugs. But I’d be worried about the health risks if I were Mr Johnson. I’d get a qualified tattooist to do the ink.”

But a spokesman for Brussels said the condition was a result of a translator mix up and the accidental sending of Emmanuel Macron’s input into the Brexit extension request matter.

“Mr Macron,” the spokesman clarified, “he told Mr Johnson to get somewhere. But it wasn’t ink’d. It began with an f and ends with a d. But that said, by all means, go and get the date tattooed on your face you silly English kniggits.”

EU offers UK another Brexit extension because they don’t know what they’d do without us

TAKING EU FOR GRANTED : Sources inside the EU27 have confirmed today they will offer high functioning team player, the UK, another extension to the Article 50 process because they don’t know what they’ll do without us.

“Seriously, we’d have all this empty diary space to fill,” an aide, said to work closely with Angela Merkel, told LCD Views, “we’ve so little to be getting on with on the continent.

“If we didn’t have to dedicate day after day to the English nationalist psychodrama of Brexit what would we do with ourselves?

“The migrant crisis has pretty much solved itself, thanks to Trump taking care of the Middle East. Climate change is just a hoax. Russian meddling in EU elections has been ended with new elections in Austria. And so on. Really, it’s just Brexit. Without that, we’re pointless.

“Likewise the individual EU27 heads of state. So many evenings before the Brexit warm up period began, they’d just be at home in the evenings, twiddling their thumbs, flicking through TV channels to find repeats of Fawlty Towers. But now, they get to live it.

“I can’t tell you how excited they are to get the call now and then, just as they’re putting their slippers on and sighing, quick! Quick Emmanuel! There’s another emergency summit about the British.”

Clearly the failure to either end Brexit, or do it, is a great boon to home and office relocation services too. They’ll remain busy for years, just so long as Article 50 keeps getting extended and Brexit is never ended.

And the sentiments were echoed inside Downing Street.

A Downing Street ‘Source’ said, off the record, but somehow anonymously on it, that “Brexit warm up, endless pre-Brexit, is all Boris Johnson has. If it actually happens he’s completely stuffed. There’s no way him or any of the other pig ignorant cockwomblers currently in government could handle it. Similarly, if Article 50 is revoked and Brexit goes away, they’d actually have to try and run a government. What a nightmare scenario. They are not qualified for that. But playing off the prejudices of Daily Mail readers forever? They’re in their element.

“This latest extension suits us just fine. And the one that will come after it.”

Which is probably the only true thing the Downing Street ‘source’ has ever said.

“Just how appalling do I have to be to get a GE?” – Johnson challenges MPs after latest defeat

EVERYBODY NEEDS BORIS TO LOSE A MOTION EVERY DAY : Boris Johnson, apparently prime minister (not that he does any prime ministering) has challenged MPs tonight after his latest Classic Dom.

Responding to the loss in the House of Commons over the programme motion, Mr Johnson swore he was going to smash up the House of Commons toilets using just the power of his unadulterated mendacity. And see how you all like that.

He added also,

“I’m going to get an original copy of the Magna Carta and burn it in this chamber. Then I’m going to use the ashes for toilet paper. You just see if I don’t. Give me a GE!”

He then lay on the floor in front of Speaker Bercow’s chair and proceeded to wail for a full fifteen minutes.

But although the threat was clearly designed to trigger a VONC and a GE, about the only thing it’s clear Johnson wants, the threat to the Magna Carta was described as,

“Minimal,” an archivist specialising in ancient texts, British Library, told LCD Views, “Boris Johnson says a lot of things, but you’ll notice he doesn’t follow through on much. You may counter and say he got the EU to renegotiate the WA, but they only did that so they could get Johnson to insert killer gags like customs declarations within the actual UK. So um, it’s not clear what he achieved?”

And Parliament granting Johnson a GE is still uncertain. It’s not like Labour is in any rush for one, given the long game played over Brexit is merely serving as a recruiting sergeant for the Greens and Libdems. Also, for the moment, old marrow handler Corbyn gets to look good contrasted against Johnson.

The country waits now to see what other wheeze Johnson, Cummings, Rees-smug and pals will pull in the hope of bullying Parliament into doing what they want.

“Bit bloody uncertain why they’re bothering,” the archivist added, “as they don’t have any actual detailed plans. The WAB going into limbo tonight is a perfect alignment with the government and the country under this government.”

Parliament forces Jacob Rees-mogg to stop hiding details of WAB in his pram

WAB WAB WAAHHHH : Fraught scenes on the rolling Somerset estate of man child Jacob Rees-mogg today after it became apparent that the House of Commons may seek to see what crayon drawings he’s hidden in his pram.

Cries of ‘Nanny!’ and ‘Bitty!’ could be heard even in neighbouring fields as Nanny sought to get Jacob to sleep by placing him on top of said drawings and pushing the perambulator along the path through the old apple orchard.

“Initially witnesses thought the cries of frustrated, juvenile distress were in relation to all the unpicked, fallen fruit, but it soon became apparent the tantrum was due to problems putting Brexit together. A hand me down toy set without instructions.”

Attempts to ram through Boris Johnson’s and Jacob’s ‘May minus’ Withdrawal Agreement were hitting the buffers already, before the pram scene, as some of the better brought up boys and girls in the Westminster crèche Jacob is enrolled in began to get involved.

“They’ll never get the WAB approved by Parliament if parliament knows what’s in it,” a seasoned crèche observer said, “their hope is just to bully the other boys and girls into doing what they want. But some are not having it. This is a problem. They aren’t emotionally mature enough to negotiate. Bullying is all they have.”

And the problem maybe a big one, judging by the details that are finding their way out of the pram and into the light.

“It seems making Boris ‘World King (of England)’ is in the WAB. So that’s a bit of a sticky finger in the ear. And customs declarations within the UK are just a full, heaving, unchanged nappy. Everyone around can see it and smell it. Which is pretty much the entire WAB of course.”

The only question seems to be who is going to be brave enough to go and risk getting their hands dirty and change that steaming nappy.

Preferably before Boris shoves his fingers into it and starts running around the House of Commons smearing its contents on the walls.

In the coming days nanny is going to be busy. And a big dummy is going to spit a big dummy.

Rescue teams call off search for reasons why Labour MPs should support Johnson’s toxic Tory ‘Brexit deal’

WTF ARE YOU THINKING : The Search and Rescue team hired by Kinnock, Flint and Hoey have called off the search for reasons why Labour MPs should support Boris Johnson’s toxic Tory Brexit Deal.

“Let me correct you there,” Head of Search and Rescue, Mr Jobs, told LCD Views, “it’s not a deal, it’s just a Withdrawal Agreement. The deal is to be negotiated after the withdrawal. A bit like Johnson in court facing proof he’s the father of a child he doesn’t want to acknowledge. And we couldn’t find any reason for any Labour MP to vote with Johnson. He’s made his bed, he should be made to lie in it, before being thrown out of it and shown the door.”

But supporters of the search hit back saying if reasons can’t be found for self-proclaimed socialist MPs to support a dodgy Tory deal, aimed at stripping democratised rights and private wealth off working people, than those same MPs would have to face up to their electorates.

“So?” Deputy Search chief, Mr Investment asked, “that’s part of the job description of an MP. Anyone who thinks continuing to morally validate Brexit, a project with no provable gains for ‘ordinary hardworking people’, the kind Labour claim to represent, is the right course of action needs to start searching for their conscience. And their backbone. Brexit has nothing to recommend it, unless you’re a tax dodger, and believe you me, we’ve searched.”

But the Labour MPs who are saying they’ll support Johnson’s ‘Deal’, even though it’s actually May’s Deal with a minus, are taking some convincing.

“What do you want us to do?” one demanded, “level with the voters we’re currently trying to baffle with a vacuous slogan of ‘getting Brexit done’ and potentially lose our seats if they won’t listen to the evidence?

“The proven Brexit ref electoral illegality, and proven broken promises of the Brexiters, and the fact it’s going to smash the country’s economy?

“We’ve been ignoring all that for years in the hope of our own personal political gain. Wrongheaded, but it’s late in the day to change now. We’re supposed to put the people first? That’s a bit tricky now.”

Well, any Labour MPs minded to support Johnson in his rush to avoid scrutiny and get Brexit done (well, started, it’ll be years in the doing), you’ve your place in history to write. It’s your choice.

And don’t get us started on the ex-Tory MPs who are saying they’ll back Boris. There’s no cure for a full frontal Brexit lobotomy it seems…

‘Ministry for Pissing Public Money Up The Wall’ set up by Johnson to build on all his success so far

THE ART OF THE BACK OF FAG PACKETS : Natural Born Liar Boris Johnson has announced by tweet this morning that he’s creating a new Secretary of State. Just. Like. That.

The new Minister will be responsible for the pissing of public money up the wall and is expected to rapidly be one of the country’s busiest.

But critics of the move have hit out, claiming that with the establishment of DExEU, under Johnson’s predecessor, the ministry already exists.

“This is just duplication of the work we already do at DExEU,” an aide to DExEU Secretary Stephen Barclay (you know him, he has a pulse, so he got the job after Raab cut and run to study for a Geography masters) told LCD Views, “which now I think about it, is perfectly Brexit.”

But other departments are also concerned.

Transport was effective at wasting hundreds of millions under Grayling. And with the announcement of new ferry contracts in event of a No Deal Brexit, is still wasting millions now.

Justice has done exceptionally well by attempting to privatise the prison service, botched outsourcing of forensics and shredding of legal aid, causing a bleed of cash in other areas as a result. It’s not really clear why the Ministry for Pissing Public Money Up The Wall need exist at all.

“It’s to exemplify Johnson’s premiership,” a Downing Street ‘source’ clarified, “and to distract the people who write reams of nonsense in newspapers. Nothing will better encapsulate Johnson’s time in office than a mass haemorrhage in the public finances.

“Whether or not he gets any Brexit. Just look at the ‘Get Ready for Brexit’ state sponsored, party political broadcast campaign? How many nurses could that have paid for? It was excellent.”

It seems the creation of the ministry also signals that the age of austerity is definitely over. The primary aim of the department will be to borrow massively from the future to pissing away everything we have today. This is necessary as the Brexiters have already largely pissed away any historical legacy, be it domestic or international.

“You can’t get more Brexit than that,” the source added, “blowing your future to piss away your today. Get Ready.”

Number of the beast proven to be 17.4 million squared, mathematicians prove

Scientists are proving all kinds of things these days, especially with the EU funding they’re getting. Today it’s the turn of mathematicians to make a breakthrough. By using contemporary and biblical data, they have finally been able to formally identify the “number of the beast”.

The number, they are stating now, is 303,133,936,990,564‬.

Oxford professor of mathematics Matthew Maddox explains:

“People talk about the bible saying money being the root of all evil, which is a slight misquote, it’s actually the love of money that’s the root of all evil. That was our starting point.”

So far so reasonable, albeit no precise clue as to the precise number.

“That was when we turned to more contemporary data,” Professor Maddox explains. “Given that the Brexit vote was done so that the rich could avoid paying tax, then that effectively meant that the number of people who voted for Brexit, 17,410,742, was the root of all evil, so all we had to do was square that number and hey presto, we have the number of the beast. All perfectly simple and logical.”

And as anyone with sufficient curiosity and a few spare seconds can verify, 17,410,742 squared is indeed 303,133,936,990,564.

The simplicity of the calculation almost seems like an anti-climax really. But then Professor Maddox did say it was simple.

The tricky bit will be how to part those billionaires from their ill-gotten gains if Brexit happens. It’s said a fool and his money are soon parted, but a tool and his money is another matter – who’d have thought that turning an f upside down into a t would make such a difference?

Because if it does happen, we’re tucked.

Boris, age 5, writes a letter to adults

BEING A BIG BOY IS HARD : Boris “short trousers” Johnson, emotional age 5 (maybe less) has written a letter to some adults because some mean kids he knows made him do it.

The mean kids are part of a neighbourhood club that Boris joined and expected to be the boss of, just because. The club is friends with other clubs and they all make one big club together.

But Boris, emotional age 5 (maybe less), wants his club to be on its own because he’s special.

Now his club members have ganged up on him and made him do something he really didn’t want to do, just to stop other people getting hurt. At least for now.

This is tell the other clubs he wants his club to stay friends with their clubs for a bit longer.

“Boris doesn’t know why the other people in his club don’t trust him?” Iain ‘Irritable Little Duncan’ Sheets said, “Boris is the boss of the club so everyone has to do what he wants. Poo poo wee wee pants.”

But in spite of the tantrums Boris, emotional age 5 (maybe less) has done it. Because he couldn’t change his club rules in time to not have to do it.

“Well, someone in his treehouse did,” our Mature Democracy correspondent says, “it may not personally have been Boris, mental age 5, maybe less.

“He didn’t sign the letter. He may have threatened to give one of the other kids he hangs out with a wedgie unless they did it for him. Or threatened to tell on them over some secret Boris knows. One or the other. Or maybe he signed it in invisible ink. Who knows. But the letter has been sent. That’s what counts.”

What the adults who received the letter will do is anyone’s guess. Some think they’ll take pity on Boris and try and help him. Mostly because if they do he’ll bugger off and stop being a complete pain in the arse.

“More correctly he’ll be an even bigger pain in the backside but he will only be doing it at home. So the adults can just tut then and wonder about his upbringing. He can’t have heard no a lot when he’s being naughty. Or he screamed and the no became yes. Never good.”

It’s reassuring to know though, that when it comes to the crunch, Boris will do what he’s ordered to out of fear of being punished if he doesn’t.

“That’s because he’s a bully and they don’t like getting hurt. It’s all bluff and bluster and hurting other kids so they do what you want. It fills the screaming void inside for a while.”

Now, if the other kids are smart they’ll use this latest upset for Boris, age 5, definitely lower, as an excuse to stop him being boss of the local club.

Remember once, we used to be a country with respect rule of law at club management level and grown ups in charge.

“That’s not Boris. He’s a big kid who doesn’t respect the rules. Because his emotional age is 5, maybe lower.”

Well, that’s tough. That’s the rules of the club.

UK planning to go out and get drunk tonight whatever happens

Celebrations, or drowning your sorrows? Whichever way today’s vote goes, and whatever your opinion, the whole country is preparing to go on the mother of all benders this evening.

Will it all be over, one way or the other? No, this sort of bullshit never ends, but today will indicate the most likely type of bullshit we are going to have to tolerate for the next few years.

It all comes down to the numbers. So we spoke to Professor of Calculations And Shit, Algie Braa.

“It’s very close,” explained Prof Braa. “Too close for comfort. I am predicting a 52:48 split in parliament, but which way I couldn’t tell you. I do know that the winning side will round the result to the nearest 100% and claim absolute victory for ever and ever, amen.”

Until the next time someone throws a spanner in the works.

Prof Braa was sanguine about the possible result. “If the so-called deal is accepted, well it’s curtains for boffins like me,” he explained. “It’s No Deal in all but name. My university, like all the others except Oxford and Cambridge, will become part of the University of Life. This means I will have to get a proper job, like working in Lidl. Unless Lidl stick two fingers up at us and refuse to operate behind the red, white and blue curtain.”

And if the opposition wins? “That just kicks the poor old can down the endless road to the next crisis in January,” said the Prof sadly. “Rinse and repeat until someone steps in and puts us all out of our misery.”

So what do you plan to do? “Do? I can’t do anything!” retorted Prof Braa. “So whatever happens, I’m hitting the pub tonight to get completely hammered!”

Who could step in and stop the madness? It’s a matter of Sovereignty. If parliament won’t, could the Sovereign step in?

“I couldn’t possibly comment,” said Palace spokesman Roy Lassent. “But ask me this evening after I’ve had fifteen pints and I might be more definite!”

Queen and country? I’ll drink to that.

Government release winning design for new post Brexit £50 note

BULLSEYE : FURORE TODAY after the Exchequer revealed the winning entry in the design competition to come up with a new £50 note.

“Crowds are massing outside the royal mint to demand a re-design after Chancellor Bridgen did the big reveal of the new fifty pound note,” our Minted reporter says, “the outrage seems largely to focus on the fact the Queen is missing from the design. And Her Royal Highness is always on proper British notes.”

But spokesperson for the Treasury, Ms Dorries, said there was no choice but to exclude Queen Elizabeth after Fuhrer Johnson traded away British sovereignty to President For Life Donald Trump in order to convince him to purchase the NHS as a job lot, rather than piecemeal.

Other observers are more sanguine, stating mirroring the Euro design for a twenty is just acknowledging post Brexit realities. And is actually a little generous to the pound, given current exchange rates.

“It’ll save time once we complete the process of rejoining the continental wide European Union so our kids stop looking at us like we’re complete bellends for trading away a mass of rights, opportunities and liberties just so travel insurance firms could profit from the loss of the EHIC.”

The Treasury was also claiming that the new bullseye will save the country millions as the currency currently used in the English blackmarket in bread and cereals is already Euro notes. With the exception of the roubles used in the region of OffenFuhrer Rees-mogg’s estate.

President Nicolas Sturgeon of the Independent Republic of Scotland, and the Welsh Chancellor David Thomas also welcomed the design, as it brings England into line with the look of the currency they’ve been using since gaining independence in 2022 during the English county wars.