I’ve always supported Manchester Wanderers, claims Boris Johnson

BATTING FOR BRITAIN: The country’s world beating sports fan, Boris Johnson, is striding to the middle, racquet in hand, to enter the scrum. To emphasise his man of the people credentials, he has declared a lifelong love of Manchester Wanderers. 

He goes to soccer matches all the time, he claims. When he goes, he takes his mate, Burnley Ham Villa fan, “Dodgy” Dave Cameron. 

Johnson painted an evocative picture of two old mates cheering on Roy of the Rovers netting his weekly hat-trick. It could easily have been depicted on one of his famous wine box paintings. 

“Dave and I have spent many a Saturday afternoon in the grandstand at Maine Street,” he boasted. “Always at the, erm, yes, well, erm, the Piccadilly end, with our rattles and our sky blue pink club ties!” 

And in the modern era? 

“Oh, yes, erm, no, erm, wiff waff,” he waffled confidently. “Yes, they changed their stadium, didn’t they? Old Trafford to New Trafford? Splendid stuff, I say, yes, we often go and have a few glasses of claret and some foie gras during the interval, just like millions of other ordinary fans!” 

What’s your opinion on the European Super League business? 

“Well, erm, no, yes, well, it’s just not cricket, is it?” he replied. “I mean, a few clubs with more ego than sense, a glorious past but an uncertain future, thinking they are better than everyone else and cutting themselves off from their fans, just so their owners can get richer? It’s despicable. Despicable, I say!” 

If only there were some kind of parallel in global economics. 

“And it’s European, so it must be bad by definition!” Johnson spluttered. “Association soccer ball will be ruined for ordinary fans like me!” 

And who do you think will win the FA Cup this season? 

“Erm, yes, erm, well, the thing is…” he improvised, and quickly shambled off to hide in the nearest fridge. 

Pub landlord who accosted Keir Starmer to head up Downing Street CV-19 policy unit

BATHING IN GLORY : UK PM BORIS JOHNSON has a well deserved reputation as a political opportunist and he’s in his stride today, as with all days.

“He’s hiring that boozy, mouthy, ill informed but exceptionally confident Bath publican to head up the Downing Street pandemic response unit,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He believes it will totally own the libs. They’ll be so gobsmacked they won’t notice the next bag fulls of billions handed out the back door to chums. And he can also double up as a Johnson body double. It’s a complete win.”

The move is seen as a “lightning rod” moment in Mr Johnson’s efforts to curb the killer virus, which got totally out of control several times, to the mystery of everyone. Even Mr Johnson.

“Hiring Rod Humphris will continue the tradition of having ageing men whose classic surname is spelt unusually playing key parts in UK life. It’s likely he’ll end up as a Today presenter on Radio 4 when he’s done. Neatly filling the shoes of the now retired John “‘BUT THE PEOPLE HAVE DECIDED’ Humprhys.”

The decision to hire Mr Humphris is believed to be supported by Tim Martin and other people who don’t understand anything at all about viruses.

“We can expect a quick and accelerated end to lockdowns and the vaccine programme to get a significant boost, as most vaccines will be replaced by specials on local ales.”

What Mr Starmer is making of the move isn’t clear.

“Mr Johnson has the brightest and the best in his cabinet. Adding Mr Humphris as a SPAD can only improve governance. And once he’s swapped mobile numbers with Matt Hancock and texted him a smiley face emoji he’ll be exceptionally well rewarded for his efforts.”

Boris Johnson offers to lead inquiry into his “failure to be honest”

NO TRUTH SERUM NEEDED : THE PRIME MINISTER IS SAID TO BE IN A HUNGOVER MOOD THIS MORNING, but that is in no way a hindrance to him performing the duties of his office. That’s because it’s mostly dressing up.

It’s further reported that he is ready to work cross party with opposition MPs to conduct the inquiry into his endless lying.

“He takes claims about a failure to be honest extremely seriously. It’s possible he has been honest once and he would like to identify exactly when that was. This will enable him to avoid repeating it.”

The most likely time period is thought to have been “over dinner” when he may have inadvertently admitted “he preferred the Claret to the Barolo”.

Whether or not the inquiry will focus on his serial bullshitting in the Houses of Parliament isn’t yet clear.

“We’re still working out the terms of the inquiry the PM will lead. It is clear it will be over a long lunch, potentially even and entire bacchanalian weekend at Chequers.”

There is thought to be some disquiet though that the largest party of opposition in English politics are choosing not to take part in the cross party initiative.

“That’s fine with the PM. Tories have ruled the country for the majority of its existence. This is because the other mob insist that people need to see them as the only saviour possible and refuse to openly cooperate with the splitters, regardless of how that’s worked for everyone in 2010, 2015, 2017, 2019 and now. Works for us. Be holier than thou. It allows Johnson untrammelled access to the levers of power.”

It’s unlikely that that paragraph will be included in any report.

“No chance. It was far too honest!”

One testicle is all that is needed to change the world

A. Hitler famously changed the world with only one ball. I do not mean a football, although he may have come into contact with them from time to time. Nor do I mean a basketball. That would be nonsense, as basketball wasn’t invented until 1949. I mean a testicle.

We all know the famous songs that are sung about the number of his nuts. Schoolchildren across Europe learn it before they learn their national anthems. The only exception of course being the children of the woke. The unwashed lentil munchers can not find sufficient patriotic feeling to bother. Which largely explains the terrible state of the country today.

But regardless of the efforts of the libtard snowflakes to do down Britain, the song celebrating one testicle is a song that unites the Continent in recognition of the British victory against fascism.

I encourage you to go to the White Cliffs of Dover and cup your hand about your ear, inclining your head towards France, hold your breath and listen.

It is likely you will hear Vera Lynn emanating from the chalk about you. But if you listen closely, your mind composed, you will also hear the gusty strains of,

“Hitler has only got one ball, the other is in the Albert Hall…”

You will find yourself invigorated and immediately nonplussed about the balance of trade deficit with France.

But what more can we glean from this singular example of manhood? How do we apply the wisdom received from the uno-testicular state in our daily life? Guidance can be found in the writings of right thinking intellectuals.

The famous early 20th century historian, B. Arthur Hive, noted in his celebrated tome on manly conflict, “A soldiers needs two hands to wield a rifle. But only one ball to shoot the bull’s eye.”

By which he means that if you dig deep enough, if you get your hands into the very boxer shorts of your insides, you will find a massive pair of balls. If you’re patriotic enough.

One ball on the outside, and a heaving spectacle of plenty in the spirit, is all you need to change the world.

Rishi Sunak reported missing after attempting to find Michael Gove, also missing

SCURRYING INTO THE DARK PLACES : ALARM ON DOWNING STREET this morning after reports that the best chancellor ever, Risky Rishi Sunak, has gone missing.

“The search for the Chancellor is complicated by the inaccurate reports over his nickname,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“He is referred to as Dishy Rishi, mostly because he bothers to comb his hair, as opposed to the PM. Oh, and also because he was born with just so much money. But. His actual nickname is Risky Rishi. This is in honour of his work delaying lockdowns. What’s the cost of that? Who’s counting? No one knows the location of those answers either.”

Additionally, no one also knows why the Chancellor seems unable to grasp the binding link between health of a population and the economy. It is hoped once he is located it can be explained fully to him.

“First things first. First we have to find him!”

Posters are being run up featuring some of Sunak’s candid portraits, but people are warned not to approach him if they spot him.

“He’s potentially dangerous. We’re not sure why he has gone missing. He could be on the run from some minor scandal relating to David Cameron. Tory MPs have been hiding in dark places since 2010 whenever the spotlight lands on them. Scurry off and hide! He could just be behaving in the standard way to avoid scrutiny. But it could be something else entirely.”

The something else appears to refer to reports Mr Sunak went missing while searching for Mr Gove, who is also missing.

“We don’t know if he found Gove. But it may explain his disappearance. He’ll be either tied to a table as the source of power for some ghastly power ritual by now, or also wearing the fetid cloth of a priest of evil powers and working with Gove to trigger the end times. Some say it’s best we never find out either way.”

Brexit isn’t about Europe – and it never was

Remainers got it wrong in 2016, and they have got it wrong ever since. Brexit is not about Europe, and the fact that they think otherwise is laughable, and even slightly sweet.

Look at the evidence. Brexiters aren’t stupid, contrary to the popular trope. Not the ones running the campaigns, at least. Europe was a whipping boy, an Aunt Sally, a scapegoat. The Brexit debate was about misdirection over Europe, and even the Remainers fell for it. So much for the intellectual elite.

Europe was the Trojan Horse through which Brexit could happen. By tapping in to the lingering resentment felt by Britons over the loss of the Empire, the feeling of disaffection (for whatever reasons), the transferred nostalgia for a glorious past where we won wars and world cups, it was the obvious choice to blame Europe. They lost, after all, yet managed to drag us down to their level.

The announcement of the European Super League of top football teams is a Trojan Horse in much the way Europe was with Brexit. If you look at The Beautiful Game as a whole, the Super League is a stupid idea. In the same way, if you look on the economy as a whole, Brexit is a stupid idea. But that is to miss the point. The ESL is nothing to do with football, and Brexit is nothing to do with economics.

The key expression is Follow The Money. Who wants to Take Back Control, and why? With Brexit, it was widely – and erroneously – believed to be the United Kingdom regaining its independence and surging forwards (or backwards?) to a glorious future (or past). This kind of ambiguous muddled thinking was deliberately encouraged, again to conceal the true motives.

Like the ESL, the aim of Brexit is to concentrate more money into fewer, rightly favoured, hands, and to prevent it from escaping. The People, after all, are only there to generate tax revenues for the leaders, just as football fans are only important so long as they cough up for match tickets and TV subscriptions.

Brexit isn’t about Europe, and it never was.

English clubs should no longer compete in Europe now we have got Brexit done

Amid all this fuss over the superior English clubs joining a European “Super League”, one fact has escaped most people. We Got Brexit Done. We are out of Europe. Now they are trying to force our teams into a permanent European alliance. In the immortal words of Liz Truss: This. Is. A. Dis. Grace! 

The argument for staying in European competitions was lost after The Vote in 2016. Remaining in the Champions’ League and its successors is a betrayal of the Will Of The People as expressed so clearly in the referendum. 

The biggest and best clubs, as defined by their balance sheets, would be forever removed from defining themselves as English ever again. The guilty parties are Arsenal, Tottenham, Chelsea, and three others, based (almost unbelievably) in The North. 

This European closed shop would lead to our magnificent English clubs become soft and lazy. They would lack the motivation and pride needed to thrash Stoke on a wet Wednesday evening in December. Every argument successfully applied in favour of Brexit applies here. We must rid ourselves of this feeble dependency on Europe in football as in economics. 

Instead we should apply to join the TransPacific MegaLeague, in order to teach our oriental friends that English football is the best. Ordinary fans like myself would fill the directors’ boxes in Tokyo, Beijing and Shanghai in no time. 

The aforementioned Liz Truss could Chair the League, and games could be played inside active volcanoes where there is ample space for Spectators. The playing fields will, naturally, be level. 

The winners will receive a lifetime’s supply of pork, provided and presented by Truss herself. 

And if you would prefer to watch your world beating team get world beaten by the puny and disrespectful likes of West Bromwich Albion, tough. You lost, get over it. 

Boris Johnson says U.K. is hosting a “Superleague” of CV-19 variants thanks to border policies

OPEN ALL HOURS : The UK’s leading handshaker of viruses Boris Johnson has taken time out of his busy dressing up schedule this afternoon to speak about his pride over the UK’s pandemic achievements.

“There is a long list of fearful, wretched countries who drew the curtains across the windows of the world early in 2020. They twitch aside the drapes and peer with scrunched up, curious eyes as the blazing lights of the pandemic shine like bonfires on the cliffs of eternity,” he told a slightly weary audience via a mass Zoom.

“But not here! Not in this green and pleasant land. We still welcome all comers. Just because we took back control of our borders doesn’t mean we have to close them. We spent all last year arguing over whether or not masks were of use in a plague with a respiratory illness. That’s because we’re geniuses. Come in, I say! Come in through a porous border policy. Science gains when all the variants are mixed together in glorious play. The UK is leading the way. Just think of the opportunity to work on boosters for the existing vaccines? World beating!”

And the UK is certainly up there. It has one of the highest death rates on earth and there’s still time to do better. Just so long as the border remains half closed and half open so Tory MPs and supporters can enjoy their lives as close to normal as possible.

“Of course we could just simply lockdown fully for a few weeks and pursue elimination of the virus. Then do contract tracing and fully supported community isolation and quarantine. Be more like New Zealand, Australia, South Korea, Japan and many others who decided to rob their scientists of the chance to study the world’s many variants up close. But where would be the shareholder profit in that? You don’t elect disaster capitalists to government if you want a fast pandemic.”

He’s right.

“We’re hosting a Superleague of mutants. In the worlds of the famous singer King, Don’t stop me now! I’m having such a good time! The UK is an example to everybody and you’ve me to thank for that. And as long as I’m your manager, with my handchosen team, we’ll always be in the CV-19 superleague!”

Boris Johnson to console himself on the cancelled India trip by ordering a chicken tikka masala

POPPADUMS AND A RIGHT PROPER PICKLE: Boris Johnson has decided to cancel his jaunt to India. This comes after one of his “tech assistants” pointed out that he could conduct business via the medium of the video call. 

Johnson decided to console himself by having a takeaway chicken tikka masala, that most Indian of dishes. He will wash it down with a bottle of Indian lager brewed in Burton-on-Trent. 

This means that the English newspapers are now free to report on the scale of the latest covid variant outbreaks on the subcontinent. 

Johnson has pronounced himself “disappointed” not to be travelling in person. He had been looking forward to boffing the air hostesses and the Bollywood starlets, and dressing up in a sari. 

He had also been scheduled to dress up at the British Prime Minister and deliver a speech. This was designed to curry favour with “our former colonial subjects”, expecting them to “welcome old friends back into the fold”, and to obtain the recipe for lamb biryani. 

Instead, Johnson will have to make do with his oven ready chicken tikka masala in front of EastEnders, and hope that Carrie doesn’t have a headache again. 

The actual meeting will now be a virtual one. Johnson is banking on the success of his world beating strategy. What he is planning to say is a mystery, even to him. 

Insiders, carefully bribed by an investigator in no way connected to LCD Views, gave a coriander-laced flavour of the likely form of words Johnson will use:

“I say, my good fellows, erm, yes, well, why don’t we let bygones be bygones, water under the bridge, wiff waff, that sort of thing, we have to draw the line somewhere, like between India and Pakistan, ha ha, erm, well, yes, erm, no, well, erm, so now we are the best of chums, give us what we want or we will have to colonise you again!”

The Indian government is expected to cave in to this persuasive rhetoric, say the insiders. Indian government insiders insist that they will just mute Johnson and let him blather on without having to listen. 

Our influence on the world has certainly changed since Brexit. That’s the takeaway. 

David Cameron says his favourite “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” lifeline is ‘Phone a friend’

YOU CAN CALL ME DAVE : BRITAIN’S GREATEST LIVING EX-PRIME MINISTER OF THE 2010’S, DAVID CAMERON, HAS GIVEN AN INSIGHT INTO HIS SECRET INNER WORLD.

Talking to the press from the steps of his Shepherd’s Hut Shed the man they call Dave answered questions that were often surprisingly personal.

“What do you do in the shed all day Dave?” one starry eyed hack asked, sat on the grass and gazing up as if attending a sermon on the mount.

“I write my memoirs and consider my legacy,” Mr Cameron replied, looking thoughtfully into the distance. “I often wonder if I could have done more in the field of political corruption when I was in office. Did I miss an opportunity? Then I’ll fire off a few Whatsapp’s with my latest thoughts.”

But it was when the questions turned to chillaxing that Mr Cameron gave one of the more touching insights.

“I like to watch television. I like quiz and game shows especially. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire is a favourite. Although I always shout BILLIONAIRE over the millionaire bit. I was a millionaire just by accident of birth.”

He laughed. The assembled courtiers, I mean, journalists laughed.

What is your favourite lifeline? A key question. The public want to know. Luckily this was asked.

“Why phone a friend of course. Although often that is more like work than pleasure for me. Most recently I’ve been phoning Rishi to try and get him to help out another friend. Some days I spend more time on the phone than I do wandering the halls of my mansion wondering what to do with myself. It’s all quite taxing.”

Quite taxing? Not something modern Conservatives worry about, as a rule.

But you have to wonder as Dave lets the light in to the dazzling, secret life of a former PM, how many friends will be phoning Dave…