Priti Patel to give everyone in U.K. a criminal record to make up for criminal records loss

CARRY ON SMIRKIN’ : Home Office supremo Priti Patel has reportedly come up with a solution to the embarrassing loss of 400,000 criminal records by her department.

It was feared that the irrepressible Home Secretary could be in a spot of bother, having been responsible for the potential ruining of masses of trials, but she’s too nimble for that.

“Crisis is opportunity,” a Home Office source told LCD Views, “which is exactly what you expect with an ongoing disaster capitalist government.”

And it seems the loss of the records, which is in no way deliberate, is just the chance Ms Patel was seeking.

“She’s going to give everyone in the United Kingdom a criminal record,” the source continues, “that will make up for the loss of the records. Excepting Tory MPs of course, as they’re perpetually immune from any consequence.”

And there’s an added benefit to the criminalising of the entire U.K. population.

“It will mean all foreign born U.K. residents will now be criminals and thus immediately deported. It’s basically perfect. Ms Patel just can’t wipe the smirk off her face.”

It will also mean that all opposition politicians and activists will be criminals, which will accelerate aspects of the Brexit project.

“Losing the records isn’t an accident, it’s a masterpiece of policy formulation.”

And it has apparently lead to a whole new slogan for the Home Office.

Priti Patel – tough on crime, tough on the records of crime.

Brand new political party called The I F#@king Told You So Party attracts 73% support from the public, according to latest polls

TWENTY TWENTY-ONE HINDSIGHT: The many Brexit dividends are coming to light at last. A new political movement has sprung up in response: The I F#@king Told You So Party. 

Patriots from across the political spectrum, excluding the still-blinkered Farageists, have rushed to join. After all, the only way to beat a single issue party is to form a zero issue party. 

Almost unbelievably, the new party has captivated almost three quarters of the public, according to a snap poll by YouDiv. The pollsters report a tangible sense of relief. 

“I’m happy that there is a party that expresses my feelings at last,” remarked a relieved Prudence Physcally. “I, and many other people I know, predicted the public sector squeeze and the huge payouts to Tory donors. This new party validates my sense of outrage.” 

“I knew that the fishing issue was a red herring,” claims maritime expert John Dory. “From that idiot Farage’s stunts to Jacob Rees-Mogg trolling us about ‘happy fish’. They can all get in the sea!” 

“It was obvious that the government has no interest in public health,” grumbled a coughing Vi Rallinfectiion. “There was never an extra £350m a week for the NHS, and total inaction when covid hit. I would love to wash my hands of them!” 

Almost everyone polled had a similar story. 

“I was hearing this message night and day,” said The I F#@king Told You So Party leader Faye Sparm. “The conventional parties have lost their appeal. Farage has lost his relevance. The People have nowhere to turn. We don’t even need policies. All we need to do is respond to the news by saying I F#@king Told You So.”

Sparm also has a plan for when (not if) her party gets into power. 

“What Would Boris Do?” Sparm explained. “Then immediately do the exact opposite of that. That’s the long and short of it.” 

Don’t say you weren’t warned. Say I F#@king Told You So. 

British fishing industry reminded people voted for Boris Johnson because he made them laugh

HAVE I GOT ROTTING FISH FOR YOU : The media is full of reports for days of British fish dying happily because they know they’ll rot on a British dock.

But it’s not just the fish that are dying, it appears great swathes of the industry itself is laying on the dock gasping and flapping about.

The impact of the fishing industry is of course completely unexpected.

What use a shoals of trade experts warning of ruin when world famous trade expert Nigel Farage said otherwise? Who needs to research such credible claims from such august public figures?

People have, after all, had quite enough of experts. They want dark money funded bigots to confirm their biases and encourage their greed instead.

“But it’s not just Farage, Prime Minister Johnson deserves due praise indeed,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “You know Mr Johnson? Boris? He’s the guy in that Tory party conference film who refuses to shake hands with the black attendees in a line up.”

Mr Johnson, famous clown, amateur rugby player, father to uncounted children and poster boy of Brexit. He did it all with a smirk and eye catching stunts. And he promised the world. And he made voters laugh.

“It is his world beating ability to entertain that makes him a box office draw at the ballot box,” the insider adds, “who needs those boring politicians who drone on about reality when you can watch a big kid in a hard hat smash down some polystyrene boxes with a forklift! What a hoot!”

But now it seems the laughing is dying away, just like the industry Brexit promised to promote.

British fishermen should take solace,” the source reminds us. “Their industry may lose countless small traders, but before we got to this point millions had a good old laugh at Boris. Al to his friends. No. No. Not you fisherman. To you he’ll always be Boris.”

Katie Hopkins announced as new leader of The Conservative Party

HATEKINS GONNA HATE : INVIGORATING NEWS FOR BOTH FAUX PATRIOTS AND OUTRAGE MERCHANTS TODAY, as the Conservative Party takes a bold step in the same direction.

“We are delighted to announce that global superstar Katie Hopkins is to assume the leadership of our party,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

The news will come as a shock for many though, who had anticipated Ms Hopkins taking on the mantle of joint leader of Nigel Farage’s new party. But it seems Mr Farage doesn’t need any help shouting at small boats, and ruining the fishing industry.

Further speculation that Ms Hopkins was to accept the job of creative director for Parler is clearly also incorrect, as Parler has ceased to be.

“Ms Hopkins brings a wealth of experience in establishing false narratives in the public domain and will build on the work of her predecessor Boris Johnson.”

Earlier media reports had suggested that Ms Hopkins was to become leader of UKIP, the first in ten leaders expected this year alone, but they appear to have been fake news.

“I will correct you there,” the Downing Street source admonished, “UKIP is the policy engine of the Conservative Party, and given their support of Brexit, a bafflingly sizeable chunk of the official opposition’s policy bandwidth. So to assume the leadership of UKIP is to assume the leadership of the Tories and the country.”

Dido Harding to be paid £22bn to track & trace Dido Harding

THEY SEEK HER HERE THEY SEEK HER THERE: Dedicated followers of Dido Harding have fashioned a solution. Harding, who seems to have vanished along with the £22bn she earned for the world beating track and trace operation, is being desperately sought. The person appointed to find her is none other than Dido Harding.

In one way, this makes perfect sense. The one person on earth guaranteed to know the whereabouts of Dido Harding is Dido Harding herself. 

Those who doubt that the government should authorise such a ridiculous tautology, think of this. Dido find Dido? This is the same bunch of charlatans who gave us Brexit means Brexit.

The fee quoted is £22bn. Although arguably slightly on the high side, it is unfortunately the market rate, according to an anonymous government source.

The hue and cry will start as soon as the cheque has cleared. The pandemic control team is depending on it. 

“We are confident that the operation will be successful,” claimed government mystic Crystal Balls. “The voyage of self discovery may commence at any age. I am convinced that Dido will be able to find herself.” 

Others are not so sure. After all, Harding has a track record of vanishing without track or trace after being paid huge sums of public money to perform a self-defined task.

“It’s a scam, a rip-off,” argued public finance expert Budgie Toverspend. “My best guess is that she will pocket the cash, and then report periodically that, despite straining every sinew, she has been unable to discover her present whereabouts. She, and we, will get bored of this game after a while, and the subject will never be mentioned again.”

A team has been assembled. This, according to the same anonymous government source, is ‘second to none’. Team members are rumoured to include Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot, and Scooby Doo.

So light a pipe, twiddle your moustache, and have a Scooby Snack. The con, I mean the chase, is on!

Jacob Rees-mogg to run naked down Pall Mall to distract from U.K. Covid-19 death toll

GO ON GODIVA : World beating 18th century parliamentarian Jacob Rees-mogg has a habit of making a spectacle of himself. And not just with random googled Latin.

All can recall the scintillating turn of phrase he used to describe the booming food bank industry – “quite uplifting”.

And no one can forget what he said regarding the victims of the Grenfell fire disaster, saying they lacked common sense. It was as if he had ripped the sacred bleeding heart from a painting of the Virgin Mother herself and smeared it across his face.

Today too he has taken the headlines with some compassionate and well considered words regarding the death of the British fishing industry via Brexit. The political disaster capitalist project he has championed.

But like any tit on a prize bull he is not stopping now. And not today of all days, as the U.K. topped the world tables in the Covid-19 death stats per 100,000.

It’ll take a world beating performance to distract from that. We reckon he can though. We reckon he’s got what it takes.

“It’s why he will be running down Pall Mall tomorrow stark raving naked,” an aide to the haunted pencil told LCD Views, “whether or not manny will be giving chase? You’ll have to tune in to find out.”

MPs who voted for Brexit Deal last year prepare to read it

THE BRIGHTEST AND THE BEST : The UK’s MPs overwhelmingly voted for the final iteration of Boris Johnson’s Brexit deal in the closing days of 2021, and now some of them are even going to read it.

“It wouldn’t have done to mess up Christmas with uncertainty over Brexit,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “which is why everyone had to vote for Brexit, so they could get home and try and not spread Covid. Or try and not catch it. Whichever way you roll.”

Clearly the process of ramming the bill into law was a great success for the prime minister, with most opposition MPs even turning up to play their bit parts in his farcical theatre.

Now though some MPs are becoming concerned with the impact of the deal and are actually starting to read it.

“It’s very old fashioned to examine the details of legislation before voting it through,” the source continues, “most modern MPs are not chosen for their attention spans or critical thinking abilities. They’re chosen to do as they’re ordered. And given how ghastly the government’s policy platform is, only the dumbest and meanest want to stand for it. It all harmonises exceptionally well.”

Except for when it doesn’t.

The details of the bill can now be understood not just by pundits and interested members of the public. But by the people who voted to enact it. It’s a classic bit of Brexit. Do first. Examine consequences later. And always, always avoid scrutiny. It’s the only way to make a success of it.”

Brits to shout “Bring out your dead!” at 8pm Thurs in honour of Boris Johnson’s work on Covid

DIGGING EVER DEEPER : WELCOME APPLAUSE IS HEADING THE WAY OF THE PRIME MINISTER THIS EVENING AS BRITS WILL ONCE AGAIN STAND ON THEIR DOORSTEPS.

Boris and zero hours contract Carrie are expected to also be involved, although they will be standing in humble recognition of the thanks they are to receive. Whether or not Dylin the prop dog will be present too isn’t yet clear, as it’s understood negotiations over a new contract are yet to conclude with his casting agency.

Until now the NHS and other slackers have hogged the limelight in the fight against the virus, with little appreciation given to the man who has done so much to orchestrate the UK’s world beating response.

“That changes today,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we are urging all Britons to stand on their doorsteps at 8pm this evening and give a shout out for Boris.”

There will of course be clapping too, as is traditional.

“Try and clap in time with your neighbours,” the source urges, “to create the biggest impact in your neighbourhood. But please come together before 8pm and synchronise your watches so you can all be ready to shout on time at 8pm.”

The shout itself will draw on tradition and the famous plagues of yesteryear.

“Bring Out Your Dead! – it’s a British classic,” the source adds, “and given that Victoria Atkins said on TV this morning that it’s a fine line between protecting the economy and defeating the virus, there is clearly going to be a lot of dead left to bring out!”

Plans drawn up for “self sufficient levels of cannibalism” once food supplies run out

HAVING A FRIEND TO DINNER : DOWNING STREET HAVE DENIED A FABRICATED LEAK WHICH SAYS THAT THEY HAVE DRAWN UP PLANS TO FEED BRITONS TO BRITONS.

The leak to LCD Views is in the form of a revealing email that contains several non-existent attachments.

“The attachments are mostly spreadsheets and calculations of when the food runs out. Not just the fresh food, which is already mostly absent from everywhere, but the sort of exclusive club that will fly you to the UAE for a vaccine.”

Under the plans the UK will not need to betray Brexit by asking the EU to allow us to re-enter the SM and CU, but can instead feed on itself.

“Clearly there will be a clash with social distancing measures as people will need to get rather close to strangers in order to eat them. But it’s not yet clear if families will be happy dining indoors? Although some suggest this is just because Mr Johnson himself never spends any time with his children.”

The legalising of cannibalism will also alleviate the now ritual shame cycle of Marcus Rashford having to embarrass Boris Johnson into feeding people ten years of idiotic economic policies have driven into poverty.

“Now is not the time to betray Brexit,” the covering note to the calculations state, “not when we have the ability to feed ourselves at home.”

But while the plans demonstrate a previously missing ability to forward plan by the government, it hasn’t left everyone satiated.

“We’re still at risk of scurvy,” a critical note asserts, “at least until the new citrus groves planted yesterday by John Redwood being to bear fruit.”

Downing Street under pressure to stop using Chartwells U.K. to supply its cabinet ministers

AND FOR THE VEGETABLES : DOWNING STREET IS UNDER GROWING PRESSURE TODAY TO CANCEL ITS CONTRACT WITH CHARTWELLS U.K.

There has been constant speculation in the U.K., and globally, on the subject of governance in the United Kingdom, which has deteriorated readily since 2010.

“Why has the U.K. moved from a Parliamentary Democracy to a Kakistocracy? Well, now we know,” our politics expert declares.

The answer is evidently the MPs, cabinet and even the Prime Minister supplied by the major Tory Party donor.

But while school meal hampers look set to be improved by public exposure, it’s not clear the same impact will be felt by today’s revelation.

“It is a scandal,” our expert opines, “Chartwells U.K. are paid a sufficient sum per minister to supply a Marcus Rashford, or equivalent, and instead they are supply Hancocks, Raabs and Liz Truss. The public is clearly getting ripped off and the multi-national exploiting the taxpayer for profit.”

Whether or not the PM will how to pressure to cancel the contract and source his cabinet ministers from an actual pool of talent, isn’t clear though.

They supply the PM too, so I wouldn’t expect rapid change. He’s essentially the top end of a carrot, as evident from the hair. and it’s gone mouldy.”