After the A level grading fiasco, the BBC is now known as the CDE

NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS: National broadcaster the BBC has suffered in the A level grading scandal. The infamous algorithm has downgraded it to the CDE.

Disappointed public sector broadcasters everywhere were upset, because instead of being solid, steady, middle of the road, BBC, they have become failures overnight. CDE just isn’t good enough to get into the UK’s top living rooms.

“This is a disgrace!” thundered BBC, I mean CDE, journalist Fylde McCopy. “I’ve worked hard for my BBC! It’s been my ambition for the last two years. To have it reduced to CDE is an insult. I’ll never get to read the Ten O’Clock News now. Instead it will be a lifetime of chasing Nigel Farage and amplifying his outrage.”

It was a similar story across the entire organisation. Lofty ambition has taken a back seat to harsh reality.

“I was planning a career in political analysis,” moaned cub reporter Parry Shrag. “Now I’m looking at taking notes at the local district council meetings, where all they talk about is parking spaces and dog poo. If I’m lucky, I’ll get to write the daily horoscope. I’m fair minded, being a Libra, but everybody knows I’m better than this!”

Both Shrag and McCopy were sure about the reasons behind the downgrading. “We aren’t posh enough!” they said in unison. “This is a political decision to decrease the opportunities to anyone who didn’t go to Eton!”

In a parallel downgrading, ITV is now OMG, and Sky has become WTF. Gold has become Base Metal, and Fox has become FIX. Oddly, RT will henceforth be known as A*A*.

So the entity now known as CDE News will have its benefits cut back and its horizons limited. Instead of thorough and rigorous journalistic training, there will be a demeaning drill of Pavlovian responses and regurgitation of government statements.

One brand new series has been commissioned. One Man And His Dogwhistle.

Downing Street confirms it is waiting for Marcus Rashford to act before U-turn on grades

A STAR TURN : A DROWNING STREET source has confirmed today the preconditions for a U-turn on the A Level grading fiasco.

“We’re waiting for significant public disgust to show up in our private polling and focus group studies,” the source told LCD Views.

“We only care about our own survival. About clinging onto power to transfer the wealth of the state into the offshore bank accounts of our mates. It’s all pretty straightforward. Make us nervous about our hold on the reigns and we’ll flip. This is across the board. It’s your not so secret weapon.”

And the possibility of a flip on the grading is likely?

”Yes. We’ve detonated a dirty bomb across the whole electorate, regardless of how you voted. It really is impressive. Of course if we don’t do a U turn it means you’ve collectively given us the green light to carry on treating you all with total contempt. So make your choice.”

But aren’t you concerned about alienating an entire generation who are just hitting voting age in England? How do you think they’ll vote at the next election?

“What election? If Trump is able to steal the upcoming US election than there won’t be free voting here either.”

Still, there’s the possibility of survivor’s guilt among the youth who have benefited from the biased algorithm. Aren’t you concerned you could turn some of your target demographic off? How will that impact you at the next election?

“I refer you to my previous answer.”

Finally, what do you see as the potential tipping point with this crisis? The moment you would nudge signals you can’t just ride it out and must do an about face?

“Marcus Rashford. If he gets involved we’re toast.”

Downing Street hails success of world beating algorithm that grades students on accident of birth

BIRTH BEATING : Downing Street is celebrating today, as it does every day, as it records another A* for incompetence.

“Can you imagine if we didn’t grade students like we do the cabinet?” a Downing Street source said to LCD Views, “the last measure we can use is inherent competence or dedication to hard work! That would not be reflective of government.”

So it seems the geniuses currently running the U.K. used their famous British common sense and settled on a different method to decide the immediate fate of school leavers.

“This year, because of Covid, everything is up in the air. It’s complete chaos. It’s the perfect year to reinvent the wheel. Why not experiment on school leavers? It’s not like they have anything to lose. We’ve taken away most of their future possibilities with Brexit. The algorithm was designed to take care of the rest of it.”

And take care of things the algorithm has. It really is a measure of the genius that is Dominic Cummings and chums. If the success is allowed to stand it will also ensure there is no more need to import low skilled workers.

“It’s pretty obvious that grading students by their achievements wouldn’t mirror reality. Look at the cabinet. Do you think any of them got there through talent? How would grading all students based on their actual effort and brains reflect the way the U.K. is governed? It would be a bloody disaster. The swear word progressive wouldn’t even cover it.”

But while the impact of the algorithm can not be understated, some are taking aim at Education Secretary, Gavin “fired for leaking official secrets” Williamson.

“That’s not fair,” the source defended Mr Williamson, “all he does there is sit behind a fancy desk struggling to think an original thought. This is why Dom does all the thinking for him. You can’t blame Gavin. He has our full support. He does exactly as we tell him.”

And what exactly is the magic formula in the algorithm?

“Oh, it’s a traditional British system. It grades students on their accident of birth. Which is exactly the way Mr Cummings’ administration aims to keep it.”

U.K. Gov fails to trademark phrase “world beating” as judge can’t determine what planet they’re on

SOMEONE IS TAKING A BEATING : THE UK GOVERNMENT is determined to try harder today after a disappointing setback in the world of marketing.

“It’s really just a hiccup,” a spokesman for Downing Street told LCD Views, “we’re sure the judge can be persuaded to see the light. We can offer him a PPE contract or the end of his professional career. You just have to find the right combination of stick and carrot. It’s all about sensible governance at the end of the day.”

And sensible governance needs its go to slogans and catchphrases.

“We’re going to trademark all of them. Dead in a ditch. Over my dead body. Fcuk business. Spaffed up the wall. Letterbox bank robbers. Something about smiles. Well. It’s a long list and we own it. We will try again and I’m sure next time we’ll be successful. We are a world beating administration. Everyone can see it.”

But why the judge turned down the application isn’t entirely clear. LCD Views can’t stand miscarriages of justice so we sent a reporter along to the judge’s home to find out more.

“After hours doorstepping Judge Frielies address we gave it up and searched for her wheelie bins,” our correspondent says, “it was while rifling through the contents of the bin that the Judge herself approached us to ask what we were doing. Seizing the moment we demanded to know why she had turned down the UK Government in its effort to trademark world beating.”

“Because I don’t know what planet they’re on,” Judge Frielie responded, “and looking at you I can only assume whatever planet they’re on, you’re on it too.”

Tory MP spontaneously combusts after France offers to take back control of U.K. and improve human rights record

SACRE BLOWER : TORY MP SIR EDWARD LEIGH IS REPORTEDLY in numerous places after he spontaneously combusted.

The incident, which emergency services are describing as “Not terrorist related. Gammon related” happened as French President Emmanuel Macron offered to assist the UK with its increasingly appalling human rights record.

Speaking in front of a map of England in 1453 Mr Macron said he felt that governance in England had deteriorated significantly since the end of the dual monarchy at the conclusion of the 100 Years War.

“We would be willing to resume governance of England for a limited period,” Mr Macron offered in a personal letter to Sir Edward, “in order to rectify the appalling human rights record of your Home Office. We would take back control, if you like.”

It seems even though the letter was written in English, and not medieval court French, Sir Leigh immediately went from his standard colour of bright red to volcanic ember, before exploding.

It’s not clear if the UK government will take up the offer, although the UN has suggested it would be willing to oversee the taking back of control and ensure that once the UK electoral system was also reformed, and dark money removed from the Mother of Parliaments, then full UK control would be resumed.

The condition of Mr Leigh is not thought to be life threatening.

“This is due to the inordinately high degree of salt in his system,” a Doctor, overseeing his reconstruction advised, “which means he basically is preserved for the foreseeable future, regardless of how he is stored.”

Gavin “Peter principle” Williamson fears generation of students failing upwards like he did

CONSCIOUS BIAS : THE UK’S EDUCATION SECRETARY, GAVIN “I WAS FIRED FOR LEAKING CONFIDENTIAL DOCUMENTS AND REHIRED” WILLIAMSON has spoken of his fears for the current generation of students. His concerns come on the back of the A level result fiasco in England, which he could “see coming from a thousand miles away”, but did nothing to prevent.

“Can you imagine it?” Williamson told shocked students today, attending an A* Grade Party at the Department for Education. “If we don’t do something to get this right, there could be millions more just like me? I am terrified for the future of the country. Our institutions are ancient and deep rooted, but even they can only absorb so much of our toxic incompetence.”

How the Education Secretary stumbled upon the degree of self awareness required to make the comments isn’t yet clear (we’re presuming it’s because we’ve imagined him for the purpose of this article), but what is clear is the fury of parents and students alike.

Still, Williamson has at least finding support within the ranks of his own party.

“Dashing the hopes of the young is what we set out to achieve,” Jack Smart, Tory MP for Cleverly, told LCD Views, “inflated statistics are for the employment figures, not for the purposes of university entrance. Imagine if we’d let teachers decide the grades, based on their actual personal knowledge of the students and concern for their welfare? Total catastrophe. Who will pick the fruit at the end of the Brexit transition period? We’ll all starve. Essentially you should be thanking Williamson for ensuring we all stay fed.”

And there’s another added benefit to allowing an algorithm to take over this year. And it’s not a sober re-evaluation and the decision to not introduce an overhaul of a vital system in a period of unprecedented disruption, and without running it parallel to the existing system for some years first, in order to effectively calibrate it.

“Dom will have to fix this algorithm now,” the MP noted, “it’ll cost millions. He’s identified a mate who isn’t yet a millionaire. Get grading done! By this time next year we’ll all be millionaires, unless you’re a school leaver in 2020. You’ll be serving millionaires forever, which is only right and proper.”

Matt Hancock adds used by dates to CV-19 diagnoses to improve UK’s CV-19 mortality statistics

LIES, DAMNED LIES AND MATT HANCOCK’S STATISTICS : HEALTH SUPREMO MATT “THE APP” HANCOCK is under the pump to lower the UK’s cumulative Covid-19 death tally.

“It’s world leading at the moment,” an aide to the fresh faced Health Tsar told LCD Views, “but in the wrong direction. We need them to be facing the other direction. So we’re doing something about it.”

And the something appears to be adding used by dates to diagnoses.

“The 28 day shelf life of a Coronavirus diagnosis will stop people dying in ICU from Covid-19, when actually they’ve died of old age, or middle age, or a compromised immune system, or whatever you like really. It’s a pretty open field. Death. We’re becoming specialists in the causes of it. It’s all rather subjective too, when you think about it. Death is intensely personal. Thus death is subjective and it follows so is the cause of death. We really should be asking people how they died, after the event. But the dead are notoriously shy. So it’s best we change the way we record deaths and guess.”

And the UK isn’t alone in attempting a revision of statistical methods, in order to help the current government’s re-election chances.

“Narnia is at it too,” the aide said, “The Queen there, she has seen a shocking mortality rate amongst loyal fauns. Really quite something. So she’s put a temperature ceiling on diagnoses. If you contract Covid-19 outside of her frozen forest then you’ve actually died of sunstroke. It’s genius.”

But sceptics, wary of attempts by Downing Street to bring the kind of numberwang statistical flair to Covid-19 deaths that they’ve brought to employment statistics, have sneered.

“Why 28 days? What happens it you die from Covid-19 a moment after the expiry date of your diagnosis? It’s nonsense. All it really shows of course is that Matt Hancock, and the entire Johnson government, are already long passed their own used by date.”

Disappointed A level students told to go to the University of Life

WE DON’T NEED NO EDUCATION: A level results look like being a lottery, thanks to the intervention of Gavin Williamson. The fireplace selling, tarantula fancying, excuse for an Education Secretary has, at a stroke, rendered all the work that has gone into awarding reasonable grades null and void.

An entire cohort of dedicated A level teachers has spent much of lockdown debating, assessing, projecting, and moderating expected grades. As experienced experts in education, they know their students and the likely progress they would have made. Their decisions are the best and most reliable indicators of what should have been. But then, who needs experts?

After all, there is no point in getting good grades. In Brexit Britain, the only qualifications needed in future will be those obtainable from the University of Life.

Fortunately, gaining these qualifications is not difficult. Bright eyed youngsters will have to extinguish that eager fire with a compulsory reading list. This means reading the Daily Mail and the Daily Express, from cover to cover, daily. Extra credits will be awarded by attending seminars in any available Wetherspoons pub, by which we mean getting hammered on cheap beer and regurgitating the reading list verbatim.

Those entering the second year of Further Miseducation will have to study the complete works of Nigel Farage and Darren Grimes. Seminars will be more challenging, and involve the consumption of shots.

Final year modules include Venting One’s Spleen On Twitter, Designing Posters With Racist Undertones, and Picking A Fight With A Complete Stranger. A successful seminar in this year includes getting schooled by someone prepared to construct a simple argument. The most successful students will conclude their seminars by dashing to the toilet and tweeting about how unfair everything is, like the great big snowflake they pretend not to be.

Graduation will occur the moment a bright young thing walks into the pub and you say, “Can you believe it? I used to be like that arsehole!”

Meanwhile the posh kids brought up to be heartless sociopaths will continue to run the country.

Boris Johnson in deepest holiday since records of Boris Johnson’s holidays began

JUST BORIS BEING BORIS : OFFICIAL CONFIRMATION TODAY that Boris Johnson’s premiership can not be in crisis, in spite of some clearly unpatriotic headlines.

“He’s proven himself to be world beating,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Leaders, like that show off in New Zealand, are almost hyperactive in the face of a minor setback. But not Boris. You can’t ruffle his feathers. And it’s not because, in spite of carefully crafted appearances, they appear pre-ruffled.”

And it’s certain that the United Kingdom will take great reassurance in knowing that nothing can stop a Boris Johnson holiday. Not even the worst economic downturn on record, on the back of the Covid-19 crisis and with no deal agreed yet with the EU.

“If you can keep your holiday itinerary while all about you [in government] aren’t cancelling theirs either, it shows you’re made of the right stuff to lead. Besides, nothing can stop a parliamentary recess. It’s the most stubborn force on Earth. It would be a really rum show if Mr Johnson stayed in Downing Street while half his cabinet are exporting proper British Covid-19 to the continent.”

But some have suggested that Mr Johnson should at least appear to give a toss? Especially as millions look set to abruptly become unemployed, in part because of the unwillingness to lockdown the U.K. economy just to stop some of the economically inactive from dying.

“Why? Dominic Cummings isn’t on holiday. So what are you moaning and gloomsaying for? He’ll have the right slogan for the recession released any day now. You’ll see. With a bit of Blitz spirit we’ll rebound. If only off the back of PPE contracts.”

Presumably the slogan will be ‘Get Recession Done”. That will take care of it.

“Actually it’s more likely to be ‘Take it on the chin’ again. More apt. Under us the entire country is getting chinned.”

President Trump claims the Vietnam War was brought to an end by an outbreak of bone spurs

HOWLING WINDS OF FATE : President Trump has caused an upset in the field of modern military history today, by changing the course of it.

Speaking at a packed event, described by one journalist as a “Covid-19 superspreader, fundraiser” in theory to launch a range of plastic Trump action figurines, Mr Trump drifted off piste and into revisionary revelations.

“Not many people know this,” POTUS said, fingers pinched and poised dramatically above the podium, “but bone spurs can go viral just like the China flu.”

He was holding a Trump golf cart figurine at the time, in his other hand. He held it so well some in the audience were moved to applause.

“Look, I get in and out of the cart!” POTUS revealed the toy’s key feature.

“The little string that ties me to the seat of the golf cart is so I don’t get lost. Your children will love these. Get them for Christmas. If Joe Biden rigs the election and wins, there won’t be Christmas. Sleepy Joe hates Christmas. And Christians. There’s also a figurine of me as Jesus. Many people are amazed to see how much I look like Jesus. This one walks on water. You just press the big red button at the back and it inflates with natural gas.”

Once the President of the USA had finished playing with his toys, he got back to changing the course of history.

“This action man, he has bone spurs. Bone spurs are worse than cancer. Worse than Covid-19. Only the strongest survive. The Vietnam War was ended by bone spurs. Everybody got them. No one could move. I had them. I got a medal for how well I handled them. Maybe we can use bone spurs to defeat Covid. I’ll have my people look into it.”

The White House later released a follow up statement advising that “Mr Trump was not patient zero. The soldiers in Vietnam could not have caught bone spurs off Mr Trump as he wasn’t there at the time.”