Ben Stokes now the UK’s preferred Prime Minister

He bats, he bowls, he fields like a demon – damn it, he could probably sort Brexit with a mighty swish of his dashing willow. Everything points to the fact that Ben Stokes is now The People’s choice as Britain’s prime minister.

He would take over from the honorary president of the Bumbling Old Etonians Cricket Club, Boris ‘Golden Duck’ Johnson. Stokes has just seized a miraculous victory from near certain disaster. Number Ten beckons for England’s Number Five.

“Ben Stokes could sort out Brexit with a stick of rhubarb,” opined Sir Geoffrey Boycott, reverse swept up in the Headingley hysteria. “He would knock Macron, Merkel and Tusk for six, as easily as if they were Australian bowlers!”

Indeed the political team GB needs a miracle of Stokesian proportions. But this near-miraculous victory has given Brexiters hope.

“If Ben Stokes can pull off an impossible victory against the Australians, what can’t he do?” asked a sweaty, drunk but ecstatic man who only gave his name as ‘Brexity McBrexitface’. “The Irish border problem would be hit for six before you could say silly mid-off!”

To be fair, the country is not unanimous in its choice of Ben Stokes. Labour still favour Jeremy Corbyn, although there are mutterings about bringing in Stokes’ staunch ally Jack Leach as the next Labour Leader. Jacob Rees-Mogg naturally favours W. G. Grace.

Former cricketers, and indeed anyone else who remembers the Test Match drama at Edgbaston in 2005, and at Headingley in 1981, are recovering from collective brain orgasm. They are joyously recalling former captain Mike Brearley’s impressive stint as interim prime minister after Margaret Thatcher had to retire hurt in The Falklands.

The massive problem that has stumped finer minds than Johnson’s will now be sorted by a man who can bowl several hundred overs in the sort of 50 degree heat only an English summer can provide, score more often than the current incumbent, and never be caught with sandpaper in his pocket.

At least until 4 September, when Ben Stokes will be required to quit politics and return to test cricket. Play up! Play up! And play the game!

UK’s preferred prime minister to meet with caretaker PM Johnson today

DONALD TUSK TO USE BORIS JOHNSON AS A FOOTSTOOL : The anti-democratic toadstool currently pretending to a popular UK caretaker PM, Boris de Phaffle Johnson, is to meet with the UK’s preferred prime minister, Donald Tusk, today.

“The meeting is designed to waste time,” a caretaker PM aide told LCD Views, “you know, appear to be doing something, while in reality the caretaker is just trying to look busy while he runs down the clock until Halloween.”

It’s not clear what talking points Mr Johnson will take into the meeting, largely because they’ll just be superfluous.

“Mr Tusk already has Mr Johnson’s measure,” the aide shrugged, “it’s thought he’ll spend the majority of the meeting smiling in that knowingly amused way he has. Mr Johnson will try out some new stand up material in the hope of disarming Mr Tusk. Then he’ll move into ‘old chum’ mode and ask for Donald’s help to end parliamentary democracy in the UK for the enrichment of an international clique of sociopaths using Mr Johnson for their own ends.”

It’s thought though that both parties will avoid the subject of relative popularity in the UK. Latest opinion polling by NoGov has demonstrated an overwhelming desire in a large percentage of the electorate for Mr Tusk to takeover and govern. To head up the much touted government of national unity.

“We just hope Mr Tusk isn’t going to try and get one up on President Macron,” the aide worried, “he successfully tricked the big blonde boofhead to put his shoe on the Elysee furniture while flashing his bollocks. With dozens of digital cameras catching every heartbeat. Talk about outplayed.”

Mr Johnson’s team are right to be worried of course. Mr Tusk is more than capable of tricking Mr Johnson to get down on all fours by suggesting there’s a hot bit of posh blonde tail waiting under his chair.

“Then he’ll use Mr Johnson has a footstool,” the aide predicted, “which will be a too realistic example of what Johnson’s time as caretaker government will turn the UK into for the world’s big players if Mr Johnson isn’t replaced by an actual, proper prime minister soon.”

Downing Street to spend whatever is needed to give every UK citizen a t-shirt to celebrate Brexit

WEAR IT WITH PRIDE : The sound and sober economic managers temporarily installed in Downing Street have the British chequebook out again today to help patriotic Britons celebrate Brexit.

“We’re all Brexiters now,” a spokesman for the Chancellor told LCD Views, “even tens of millions of people who believe it is nonsense and don’t want a bar of it. So too the majority of MPs who are prepared to go down in history (as things stand) as the last parliament of the United Kingston.”

The t-shirts have been designed at massive expense by relatives of the current government.

“You can’t keep everyone signed up to the rights stripping, unchecked free market revolution in insulin costs if they don’t see a tangible, personal benefit,” the spokesman said, “So a t-shirt seems symbolic and important. A white t-shirt to celebrate the primary colour of the changes being experienced by our bold, seafaring, soon to be global trading, buccaneering, t-shirt wearing country.”

While the gift will be free on receipt, wearing them will be a matter of primary legislation.

“Clearly choosing to not wear your Brexit t-shirt will be symbolic of being a fifth columnist, collaborator with the unelected, technocratic, t-shirt hating busybodies in the EU. We suggest you wear it. Wear it with pride.”

But questions have been asked as to why the design does not feature a Union Jack? The first flag ever to be flown on Earth by any country and clearly the best.

“That’s because we don’t know how the flag will look after Brexit,” the spokesman shrugged, “but the lower tax rates, abolition of basic human rights and asset stripping promised by Brexit is judged to be worth it.”

Your Brexit t-shirt, wear it with pride, and help celebrate the Boris Johnson Eton mess.

PM claims sending rubbish to The North will raise their standard of living

It’s grim up north! And it’s set to become grimmer now that Westminster has decided to use The North as a dumping ground for its rubbish.

“It’s great news for The North!” bubbled Number Ten’s Tufton Street mouthpiece, Paul Oozers. “It’s a fantastic opportunity for the lazy, feckless, unemployed Northern bastards to learn new skills. Where there’s muck there’s brass, as they say up there!”

LCD Views’ Colliery Brass Bands correspondent asked, innocently, where Oozers thought The North was.

“You will have to ask Dominic Raab’s office,” he replied. “He deals with The North.”

Hang on, shouldn’t that be Priti Patel? She is Home Secretary after all.

“Home Secretary, Home Counties,” replied Oozers. The North is another country. That’s a good point, we need to locate The North and build a wall to keep it out.”

Expect concrete around the perimeter of the M25, and checkpoints at every junction.

Dominic Raab was reported to be nervous, sweating and stammering at the news that The North was within his remit. “They have… black pudding… and drop their aitches,” he panted, white as a sheet. “The North is another country. I hadn’t quite realised the significance!”

The North is not too happy about this development. “The southern politicians always dump on t’North,” opined professional Yorkshireman Bart Att. “Ilkley Moor has never been t’same after t’bloody Londoners got ‘old of that bloody song!”

Att claimed that if The South can close themselves off, so could Yorkshire. “There will be a 157% tariff on bin bags, new or used,” he said. “Yorkshire will claim independence, and stop bloody Lancashire pinching all t’bloody Wensleydale!”

Yorkshire will be able to survive indefinitely on Pontefract cake, Whitby scampi and Yorkshire tea – and Wensleydale of course. Rumours that Yorkshire is seeking southern investors for a series of treacle mines are, so far, unconfirmed.

We survived twenty years of Shane Warne we can survive No Deal Brexit, says Geoffrey Boycott

TMS WILL BE BOOKED TO MAKE IT BEARABLE : Fantastic news today for English radio owners with the announcement of the unconfirmed and completely fabricated rumour that Geoffrey Boycott has been commissioned to provide commentary of No Deal Brexit economic collapse.

“We need someone old enough to remember when Shane Warne didn’t play cricket,” a Home Office official tasked with providing running commentary on a No Deal told LCD Views, “and vitally, given Brexiters’ love of referencing a war none of them fought in, we need someone who never faced Shane Warne to make the relevant comparisons.”

The commentary itself is aimed to be roaming and to be broadcast live wherever the action is.

“Clearly relating lorry back ups for miles at Dover will require the skill of someone who knows what to do with rhubarb,” the official advised, “and the ability to wait out day after day stubbornly refusing to budge until something moves.”

It’s hoped the listening public will supply cakes to the team as they broadcast.

“Seriously, get baking. And if you don’t have the necessary ingredients post No Deal, then improvise, just like English batsmen did faced with the prospect of having to come up with a duck when faced with a gogglie, or whatever it was that spun about them unexpectedly and got them out. Why go into bat against Warne anyway? There wasn’t any point. Just like a No Deal Brexit.”

Who else from the TMS team will get involved isn’t yet clear, with too many of them sounding too rooted in the modern world to qualify.

“We expect John Humphry’s will be happy to sit alongside Geoffrey as the much anticipated collapse of the economy commences. They’ll just play off one another. John’s delight at the end of the UK’s innings will marry well with Geoffrey’s scorn for a financial services industry who wouldn’t have a bloody clue what to do with sovereignty.”

Boris Johnson to prorogue Boris Johnson

The rogue Prime Minister, who is very pro-rogue, has decided to go rogue and prorogue himself. He will go to the Queen and request that he is suspended.

Dangling this carrot in front of the hungry press, Johnson didn’t sugar the pill. “It’s a completely necessary action, I say, oh my goodness, what a palaver,” he wibbled, off the cuff. “The killjoys won’t let me prorogue Parliament, so it comes down to this. Suspend me! String me up! Do or die, or perish in the attempt!

Constitutional experts, and indeed everybody else, agree that this course of action makes no sense. Nobody knows even if prorogueing a person is possible, or advisable. This doesn’t bother Johnson, naturally enough.

“I have to show our so-called friends in the EU that I’m completely serious,” he wiffwaffed, adjusting his Ronald McDonald hat. “Merkel gave me 30 days to solve Ireland, I won’t tell you what Macron said but it wasn’t nice. They are laughing at me, friends. They are actually laughing at me! Serious times need serious measures. I’m not hanging around!”

There is a glimmer of an explanation. Political commentator Deepa Meening gave LCD Views her theory. “This is a strange solution to an even stranger problem,” she summarised. “”The government consists of a team of corporate vultures, with Boris Johnson as its hapless figurehead. The cabinet is a collection of spineless idealogues like Dominic Raab and Priti Patel, all under the same cosh. Anybody else doesn’t count and is rudely ignored. So Johnson IS Parliament, he is the sole representative of the shady conmen, who are all that remain of The People. He has served his purpose, now they want rid of him, so their unprincipled mates like Crispin Odey can cash in on the chaos.”

The coup is very nearly complete. Which will die first – democracy, Parliament or the population of Britain? Exciting times lie ahead…

Government refuse request publish locations crisis food depots in case people misunderstand benefits No Deal Brexit

FORM AN ORDERLY LINE AND SMILE : The government has again refused today to publish the locations of stockpiles of tinned foods and out of date army ration packs.

“People may get the wrong idea about the looming benefits of No Deal Brexit,” DExEU minister, Mr Notso Clever, told LCD Views, “and if they start queuing early it will only add peer pressure to others to queue. We just can’t guarantee the weather. People may catch colds.”

The concern for the welfare of the ordinary man and woman, over and above the paternalistic attitude shown towards currency speculators, has been welcomed. Welcomed by the government.

“No Deal Brexit is not just about creating an artificial financial crisis to asset strip the UK for the benefit of hoarded offshore wealth,” Mr Notso Clever was certain, “it’s about minimising unnecessary inconvenience to the general public as their rights and personal wealth, freedoms and possibilities are curtailed to respect the result of the criminally manipulated opinion poll conducted years ago now.”

The mandate for Brexit is as fresh as it ever was.

“Just be reassured there is some food in shortage. Caviar. Smoked salmon. Foi gras. Even a large amount of lobster. The Palace of Westminster dining rooms will cope in any Brexit eventuality. So too the general public. Stockpiles of readily edible rubber bullets and tear gas are already mountainous.”

And for anyone worrying if there will be clean drinking water? Just in case the infrastructure of the UK suffers a widespread hack and crashes in the crisis?

“Already emergency legislation is being prepared to reassign leisure centre swimming pools across the country as water depots. It’s already chlorinated. People will be able to wash their chicken in it too. Do not worry. You are in safe hands.”

But there was one sour note. Stockpiles of famous British pragmatism and common sense are currently invisible.

“This won’t affect a No Deal Brexit,” Mr Notso Clever added, “as those qualities would only impede it.”

EU27 take out gagging order against Macron after he tells Johnson “you can revoke Article 50 up to last second”

OMG DON’T TELL THEM : President Macron was tight lipped tonight on the subject of Brexit after the other EU states took out a gagging order in the ECJ.

“It’s very specific,” Finland, currently acting on behalf of the UK (and Finland) at the EU council, told LCD Views, “we just need him to stop telling the UK they don’t have to Brexit.”

The legal move to zip the lips of the outspoken French leader will surprise many in the English exceptionalism press, but few on the other side of the Channel.

“We’re so close to not having to put up with cretins from Westminster jumping on a plane or train and turning up to show us their hairy balls,” the Finnish spokesman said, “I mean, after three years and more of this nonsense? Just get out already and take your economic collapse and become a parasitic, feudal, service economy feeding off the burgeoning financial centres on the continent. You want irrelevance globally? It’s yours, take it, and take your Daily Telegraph with you.”

The action has caused a ripple of orgasm amongst Brexit politicians at home. They have completely misinterpreted the legal move by the other EU states to mean the EU doesn’t want Macron to attempt to convince the UK to withdraw Article 50.

“Not when we’re so close to seeing Merkel collapse before the German automakers and Putin in Italy give in to the pressure from Italian pizza-ferry firms to ditch the Irish backdrop and just agree to whatever Downing Street wants.”

Many saw the power of attorney used to hand Finland control of UK decisions in the EU as a burden for the country. An enlargement of Very Finnish Problems, to now include Brexit, but it seems they all have the matter completely in hand.

Quite what Boris Johnson has in hand is anyone’s guess.

UK confident it can find a technological solution to Boris Johnson

The UK has been given an ultimatum. Within 30 days, it must find a technological solution to Boris Johnson.

Despite this blistering timetable, Britain’s best boffins are on the case. Up and down the length and breadth of Merrie Englande, wannabe Wallaces are dashing to their sheds to find the solution.

LCD Views’ Wing And A Prayer correspondent met leading inventor and computer nut, Mike Rowe-Chipps.

“I’ve already created a functional prototype,” said Rowe-Chipps excitedly. “I call it Zaphod Bumblebot. Look at this!”

He placed an order for the destruction of the British Isles in front of the android. It seized a pen, and scrawled the salutation ‘Love and kisses, Zaphod’.

“I haven’t quite synchronised the voice yet,” explained Rowe-Chipps, as the robot’s Stephen Hawking-like voice said “Golly goodness! Fibble fabble! What a to-do, old bean!”

Moaning remainers have created their own killjoy creation, codenamed Marvin. Its database is full of comments from Twitter correspondents with ‘FBPE’ in their handle. Its very first words were ‘I think you should know I’m very depressed.’

Paranoid androids apart, the specifications for the Boris bot are extensive. It must be sufficiently different to the obsolete Maybot, which is currently situated in a museum blurting out statements like “Strong and stable!” and “My deal or no deal!” at random intervals.

There are two particular details which Rowe-Chipps and his fellow inventors are finding difficult. That irritating “What the Dickens is going on here?” facial expression, and the tendency to shag any presentable female. “I have to wear a chastity belt whenever Zaphod Bumblebot is turned on,” reflects Rowe-Chipps ruefully.

Experts who have read the relevant documentation have realised that the irresponsible Zaphod is, ultimately, redeemed by the boring Marvin. Their findings have, of course, been dismissed by opinionated government wonks.

Will it work? Possibly not, as it’s probably infinitely improbable.

Boris Johnson to mention Waterloo once when visiting Macron as he thinks he’ll get away with it

A SENSE OF NATIONAL PRIDE : Boris Johnson’s team are tight lipped ahead of his planned meeting with democratically elected French President Macron, but nonetheless LCD Views has obtained an imagined leak from his office.

“He’s going to make a lot of jokes about the shape of baguettes and how firm they should be,” the leak reveals, “he’ll also ask Macron to translate for him ‘fit, young filly’ into French. This will be a subtle insult to show who is dominant.”

But the insults calculated to prove Boris is the alpha male wont stop there. Afterwards Boris will ask Macron what he made of the “cheese eating surrender monkeys” joke, before moving onto deeper Anglo-French history.

“Napoleon is clearly a sore point for the French. As the English beat him twice. There may have been a few other nations involved, a rudimentary EU army of sorts, but if we were there it really was all our work, with some hangers on.”

To thrust the point in Mr Johnson is expected to mention the Battle of Waterloo.

“But only once. That’s all we calculate we can get away with.”

How the French contingent will respond isn’t clear. But it is obvious the display of powerful British rhetoric will have them on the back feet, where they belong when faced with an Englishman.

Our French team have given the matter some consideration and have this calculated guess at President Macron’s response to Mr Johnson’s hugging and puffing.

“He’ll simply say no to whatever the chancer suggests,” our team reckons, “just he’ll do it in English and French consecutively. This will be just like what happened yesterday with Merkel. Which is good practice. After Brexit English prime ministers will need to be well adjusted to hearing foreign leaders constantly saying no to their requests and then telling them what to do.”

If this doesn’t deal with Mr Johnson the French are expected to fire a cow at him from from a catapult, or trebuchet.