‪Boris Johnson promises a “world beating” free trade deal will be achieved with Scotland‬

RAMPING UP : Ahead of the 2024 General Election in England and the Disputed Territory of Wales, English Prime Minister Boris Johnson, has promised he will achieve a “world beating” free trade deal with the Republic of Scotland.

“While no one doubts the sincerity of Mr Johnson’s assertion, well not anyone who has had a lobotomy doubts it, achieving the deal in the time available will be problematic [to say the least],” a Downing Street source admitted.

Not least is the difficulty the Johnson administration appears to be having accepting it isn’t just negotiating with Scotland, but all of the EU, which has recently admitted its newest member, Scotland.

“Nicola Sturgeon is rumoured to have requested Michel Barnier lead the trade negotiations with England and the Disputed Territory of Wales. This is clear provocation and a sign that she does not want the talks to succeed ahead of Mr Johnson’s re-election.”

The re-election is of course certain, due to recent constituency boundary changes in England, reducing the already reduced number of constituencies from 14 to 1. The one being Mr Johnson’s constituency.

“The additional decision to outlaw all parliamentary candidates from standing for election who aren’t already elected does of course give Mr Johnson an advantage.”

And it’s not just the EU, Sturgeon and that wily old foe Barnier that Johnson has to deal with.

“He has a host of problems. Daily Covid-19 deaths are still in triple figures in England,” our electoral analyst reports, “although you are herd pressed to find the data now that the Department for Health (social care having been abandoned long ago) is headquartered in Baronet Tim Martin’s Wetherspoons.”

Additionally, the alternative government (in exile) of Keir Starmer looks likely to undermine Mr Johnson by successfully requesting the EU negotiates with it too from its temporary parliament in Catalonia.

The decision by Mr Starmer to use the years in exile to become fluent in French, German, Arabic, Spanish and Mandarin does appear to be paying dividends.

“Look, in spite of the total reliance of England on Scotland for water supplies, due to the ongoing border war with the ‘Free Welsh Militia’, or the Rhys ap Gruffydd’s (as they’re commonly known) and the imposition of electricity tariffs by Downing Street on EU energy imports (meaning the lights are rarely on, no matter who is home) Mr Johnson is confident that his battle cry of ‘They Need Us More Than We Need Them!’ will see Sturgeon buckle.”

LCD Views would like to wish Mr Johnson luck in the negotiations. With belief he can succeed. We are certain the German automotive sector will apply pressure to Sturgeon to give England a great deal. And yes, David Davis is still certain too.

“It would have been helpful if the Russians hadn’t allowed Dominic Cummings’ to go into exile in Siberia, after he successfully hijacked AirFarce One and had that IT intern re-programme it to fly to Moscow last year (for an eye test),” the source added, “but then you can’t have everything.”

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