MAKING UP THE NUMBERS: Cabinet makeweight Matt Hancock announced the figures today. Cabinet welterweight Priti Patel interpreted them, as only she can.
“One in sixty, that’s good odds,” Patel began promisingly. “When they get the second jab it will be one in twelvety, which is twice as many numbers gettin’ shot, I mean gettin’ a shot.”
Patel was only just gettin’ warmed up.
“The government is always lookin’ at the odds, and the evens, and the other difficult numbers in between,” she said. “Roundin’ down and rampin’ up the numbers, so as you see we are winnin’ the war on the virus, its days are numbered, we are more than half way to jabbin’ the people this evenin’, jabbin’, jabbin’, jabbin, then a swift right hook and they are out for the count.”
One nervous correspondent raised a timorous hand to ask a question.
“You dare to question ME?” roared Patel. “Off with her head!”
With that, she stormed out of the briefin’ room, heels clatterin’ angrily.
LCD Views’ Damned Lies correspondent, Stan de Deviation, had a look at the figures to discern how much of the truth Patel had unwittin’ly revealed.
“One in sixty adults looks about right,” he said cautiously. “Although these are still government statistics after all. As for the rest, well I think Patel is talking out of her arse. You know the phrase, chat shit get banged? If there were any integrity in this government, she would be looking at a knock-out punch and a spell on the sidelines.”
However there isn’t any integrity in this government, so far from bein’ on the ropes, Patel is struttin’ about on the canvas, with an iron fist inside her iron gloves, and any opponent is dispatched before they can climb into the ring. It’s called levellin’ up.
Are we half way there? Or just livin’ on a prayer?