10pm bar closures don’t apply to Westminster as “MPs govern better when they’re drunk”

HIC : DOWNING STREET has moved to explain the difference in new boozy restrictions, as applied differently to the hoi polli and MPs.

“Have you tried running a country into the ground on the part of right wing think tanks?” a Downing Street source demanded, “it’s all very well to sit there criticising the bald faced hypocrisy of your betters, but have you tried being beholden to shadowy forces and dark money? Makes a man bloody thirsty!”

And thirsty is the prevailing mood amongst the governing class as the twin calamities of a seemingly intentionally mismanaged viral pandemic and Brexit ravage the country.

“You don’t manage a virus with the mental equivalent of improvised dance on a day to day basis while sober. Give me a break. Did you hear about that massive coke haul last week? That’s ruined our post Brexit trade policy in one go. The only place to go is the bar. Drown your sorrows! It’s the British way. No one else on Earth drinks. Did you know that? Hic.”

And the unrelenting torrent of verbal diarrhoea that daily comes out of Downing Street is proof of the efficacy of constant drinking. But why do commoners have to spill out of the pub at 10pm when MPs can just carry on boozing?

“We govern better when we’re drunk,” the source explained, “it’s obvious. Look at our decisions. Good thing there’s 0% tariffs on wine and spirits! Strong and stable governance is assured regardless of what happens with Brexit. And besides, if every MP spilled out of the Westminster bars for their Covid secure, chauffeur driven cars at 10pm it would result in one hell of a muddle!”

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