The Kingdom of Mordor has issued a press release this afternoon stating they are now assuming direct control of all cabinet appointments, starting with Penny Mordaunt as the new International Development Secretary.
“Priti’s departure is a great opportunity for us to pluck a startled rabbit out from under the ministerial choosing hat and promote her to May’s cabinet,” The Eye explained.
“It’s nothing personal. It’s just we are determined to get the best Brexit deal possible so we have to have committed ideologues in the cabinet. Anyone who looks at facts is a danger!
I’m sure she’ll fit right in, having said some rather frisky things about Turkey during the EURef campaign last year. Oh and the big splash she made in a television special about pool safety is bound to stand her in good stead.”
It seems the kingdom is further hopeful that Penny will be able to help with its financial troubles.
“Ever since we lost our gold reserves in a fiery mountain thanks to those pesky kids things have been a little strained hereabouts.”
Mordor is hopeful Penny will help them with infrastructure development directly at home.
“It’s arguable that other countries seeking British taxpayer money don’t need it like we do. We are actually hopeful Patel has left a few scribbled notes lying about her old office that explain why she was trying to divert aid money to the Middle East. All will come out in due course anyway, if there’s more to it, I suppose.”
The Eye added it had booked Penny an open ticket, first class, on a giant bird of prey and expect her to use it just as soon as she can get some time out of her busy schedule.
“Based on the actions of her predecessor in the post it will have to be a working holiday.”