LCD Views community relations correspondent reports the alarming news this morning that Brexit Dad is locked in his shed and refusing to talk to anyone after bowling 350 million no balls in a charity cricket match.
“It’s terrible for him, the poor love,” Mrs Narage told LCD, “he was really looking forward to last night’s match to celebrate the start of the Ashes.”
Mrs Narage went on to explain that Brexit Dad, or Figel as he’s known locally, had started practising several minutes before the match began and believed he was in form.
“He actually got the first ball on the pitch,” Mrs Narage said, “but then he realised the charity the match was in aid of was for economic migrants and he just lost all his rhythm.”
Didn’t he check before deciding to take part in the match who it was for?
“He didn’t. Silly Figel. He’s so big hearted. When one of the younger chaps down at the Saint George asked him to bowl for charity he just signed right up. He’s livid. He feels totally hoodwinked.”
Apparently Figel is not the only person feeling let down by the event.
“He said he could bowl. That he was a faster bowler than Boycott,” match organiser Mr Prog Ressive explained, “he’s rubbish. I know he’s getting on and he’s not, well, not in the best shape, but I believed him when he said he could manage one over. Six balls. For charity.”
One over comprising three hundred and fifty million no balls must go in Guinness Book of World Records, surely?
“He ordered me to strike all details of his involvement out of the record. He says he would never have agreed to support the fleecing of the great British taxpayer in aid of economic migrants who should stay home and fight. Or some rot like that. We were raising money for refugee children!”
As to when Mrs Narage expects Figel to come out of his shed?
“He could stay in there all day. I suspect he’s rearranging some WW2 memorabilia he bought off EBay. He does like to give the cap badges a good polish. Little skulls they are.”
Let’s hope he recovers quickly. We understand he needs to help set up the local church nativity play set later.
“He won’t let the church down. He’s a good Christian. The milk of human kindness flows from my Figel.”