In the world of greasy palms and cock-ups, Damien Green is keeping his end up. The rampant First Secretary is resigning to spend more time with his high-speed broadband.
Unfortunately, he may have tossed away his chance of leading the Conservative Party. His demotion is already being dubbed “Grexit” by the less imaginative tabloid press.
Green is merely the latest in a long line of upstanding Members to have been caught with his hands in his trousers. The alleged misconduct took place back in dial-up days, when anticipation was part of the fun. Green has been caught red-handed in possession of blue movies.
Such activities are nothing new. Reliable sources indicate that a new Member’s initiation ceremony involves lady boys, vegetables, and a very surprised donkey. More experienced Members move on to Nutella-coated dwarves brandishing dildos. The allegations – if not the dildos – must have penetrated Green’s tough exterior and hurt him deep inside.
A chirpy, erect Green spoke to the assembled hacks earlier. “I have worked long and hard at the job,” he shrugged. “And I have stiff competition, but you can’t keep a good man down! Broadband means Broadband. Now if you don’t mind, I have a little something that needs to be finished off.” Green strutted away, swollen with pride.
A by-product of Green’s resignation is that David Davis swore to resign too, in sympathy. Davis, who famously promised Brexit impact statements and subsequently denied that they ever existed, is clearly a man to be believed. “I stand by Damien Green,” he stated. “But not too close. Dry cleaning is expensive!”
Reports have emerged that a medical team has been placed on standby. Green is said to be suffering from poor eyesight and RSI in his wrists.
Environment Secretary Michael Gove is naturally concerned with Green issues. He must be delighted that Green has been recycled.