Nigel Farage is continuing his one-man mission to mould Great Britain into his own personal Utopia. His next move is to bring back smoking for all, and even extend the privilege to the youngest members of society.
“I want to smoke whenever, and wherever, I want to,” declared Farage. “This is what Brexit is all about – regaining personal freedoms lost to the EU dictatorship. I am determined to reintroduce the right to clog up one’s lungs with gunk while polluting the atmosphere.”
Health campaigner Siggy Hayter was unimpressed. “Smoking has been proved to be bad for you and others,” she preached. “It also looks and smells unattractive. These people are sucking the life out of themselves.”
Farage had his answer ready. “You, my friend, are sucking the joy from life!” he spluttered.
“Where’s the pleasure in sucking on a phallic symbol? demanded Ms Hayter.
“Nothing wrong with enjoying a puff,” countered Farage.
”I want to make smoking compulsory. Especially in cars. The whole family can then enjoy the experience together!”
Farage revealed that, once that he is President of the independent UK, smoking will be introduced to the National Curriculum. Children as young as 5 will be expected to master basics such as removing the cellophane from a cigarette packet. Inhaling will be expected from the age of 7, and chain-smoking mandatory by secondary school.
In a related scheme, milk at break time will be replaced with half a pint of best bitter.
“This is such an important policy, so I will personally teach children the art of smoking in a car,” Farage declared. “How to manage lighting up while cornering, ashtray manipulation, and dog-end disposal on the move.”
Nigel had one more bombshell to drop. “I will also ban taxes on tobacco, and tax abstention instead. The more you abstain, the more you pay!”
Ms Hayter was heard to mutter something about reduced life expectancy. No doubt Nigel will be coughing all the way to his coffin.