The power of the state is to be turned against David Davis’ nose this week after David Davis wrote to the prime minister demanding she takes legal action after his nose fell off his face.
From a letter leaked exclusively to LCD Views we can reveal the above, and the Secretary of State for Shafting the UK’s reasoning.
“It’s true I threatened to cut my nose off my face if Barnier’s nose didn’t agree that his face needed my nose more than I needed my nose,” advises Mr Davis, “and it’s also correct that I proceeded to cut off my nose with my own blade in order to make it clear to Barnier’s nose just how far I was to prepared to go to maintain a deep and special relationship with the EU, while telling it to F off,”
There’s a lot of buts and it’s for a while, some outright lying, then,
“My nose has purposely ruined my best shirt for when I’m propping up the bar in the House of Commons.
There’s my own blood all over the place.
I demand the state sues my nose to cover the costly dry cleaning bill I’ve incurred when it took me at my word and fell off, after I cut it off my face.”
The Prime Minister is yet to respond to Mr Davis’ written demand, believed to currently be just sitting behind her desk at Downing Street asking passers by,
“When does this end? Can someone tell me when I’ll be sacked? I can’t do it myself. I can’t even sack Hunt.”
In response to Davis’ leaked letter the EU had this to say,
“Of course, when a member state comes to us and says it is going to have our cake and eat it and it can do it while cutting its nose off its face, we prepare for exactly that by standing back and having our own cleaners on standby, just in case, as any fool can see it’s all going to get very messy.
These Brexit people must think we’re as full of piss and wind as they so clearly are. It’s really quite incredible.”
It seems both David Davis’ nose and the EU can smell a load of BS a mile away, pity the same can’t be said for the individuals on our side who are creating it.
And the cost of Davis’ dry cleaning bill?
You guessed it, currently running at £350M per week to the taxpayer, and set to rise.