Northern Ireland border problem solved by everyone doing the hokey cokey

The problem of the nature of the Northern Irish border with the Republic could be the rock on which Brexit founders. Until now. The solution is so simple and obvious a child could have thought of it. Everyone will simply do the hokey cokey.

“In? Out? Shake it all about!” exclaimed ‘Brexpert’ Abby Surdity. “It’s both and neither. The hokey cokey captures the paradox perfectly. Plus it sounds like something Boris Johnson would say.”

A hard border and frictionless trade? No longer a problem. You just put your left leg in, then put your left leg out again. Do the hokey cokey and turn around. Sorted.

Surdity goes on to reveal the source of the idea. “It was David Davis’s great-niece, Celia Deal. She’s only six, bless her.”

The Irish are delighted. “This is a solution we can all agree upon, to be sure,” said Republican spokesmick Paddy O’Fepicproportions. “Hokey cokey means a nod and a wink, turning a blind eye, and Guinness all round. Winner!”

Ulster is pleased, too. “First there is a border, then there is no border, then there is,” sang spokespaddy Donna Vann. “Do the hokey cokey and turn around. Everybody’s happy!”

“A nonsense rhyme is the perfect solution,” confirms Surdity. “A nonsense rhyme for a nonsense problem caused by a nonsense policy.”

Just as a Brexpert is a nonsense term for a nonsense position.

“The border is solid when we say so, and nonexistent at need,” claimed an unusually lucid mouthpiece for the DExEU. “Hokey means hokey, and red, white & blue means black & white. Our job is to shake it all about.”

So next time you see Irish people doing cross border trade by putting their whole selves in and out, shaking it all about, doing some undefined hand gestures and turning around, they are not auditioning for the Freemasons but simply being British.

That’s what it’s all about.

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