Jacob Rees-mogg MP is to tell an increasingly hungry nation today that, “Poverty is wealth” in his first major intervention as the newly created Secretary of State for Abundance.
”Home is where the heart is,” he is also expected to say, to allay concerns over the little pandemic of homelessness,
“people who are not prepared to open their doors and larders to those who have made a conscious decision to be less fortunate are not best positioned to harangue an overstretched public purse with pleas to assist the vocationally roofless.”
The speech will hopefully provide a welcome distraction from a government which is so busy accepting plaudits for its work over the last several years, that it’s having trouble communicating its deeply thought out policy agenda.
”U turn is straight ahead,” Jacob will continue from the steps of his modest one hundred room mansion, “1984 is 2018, but 2019 will still be 1984. Tax break is incentive. Rising cost of living is investment in your future.”
Other pearls are anticipated to be on display in a showcase of antique jewellery set beside the average working man.
A man who risen through his own hard work, while overcoming the numerous deprivations of his birth. Proving accident of birth is no barrier to advancement.
”Ladder is ceiling. Discord is unity. Famine is a meal for the spirit, and if you are wealthy with famine you have all the sustenance you need.”
He will also add that debt is equity and horses are for courses.
Enquiries as to what policy agenda he will set for his new ministry were met with an encouraging to do list.
”Once Jacob has freed the United Kingdom from the overweening shackles of the tyranny of parliamentary democracies across the Channel he will set to work on, Serfdom is freedom, to revise the labour market with fresh thinking.”
And finally, he will finish his debut speech today by reminding the country that “War is peace.”