“One dose of Brexlax will allow you to take back control of your bowels and your borders,” Michael Gove claimed, as he fronted the ad campaign for Brelax Brexit laxatives, but now a shitstorm is brewing.
“It appears there was virtually no testing in either clinical trials or on monkeys,” LCD Views’ bathroom attendant said, “they just cooked up the recipe in Michael’s kitchen and made millions of batches. These were distributed by bus, and free with tabloids, all over the United Kingdom.”
But now it appears the government has had to step in and order an immediate recall of the claims accompanying Brexlax.
“People are reporting atrocious side affects,” our bathroom attendant continued, “one of my colleagues at Conservative central office said most ministers visiting spend the entire time in the WC groaning and more often than not praying for deliverance.”
It’s not known exactly what in the recipe is causing the liquid calamity in people using Brexlax, but it’s likely to be all the bullshit that went into the tablets.
“They’re about 99% bullshit actually,” our attendant added, “the other 1% is just pure racist spite. I wouldn’t take a Brexlax even if I were in danger of dying the death of Elvis.”
We did approach Michael Gove for comment on the viral furore, and he issued the following statement,
“This is proof of Brexlax’s effectiveness,” Mr Gove responded, “people are supposed to spend time on the toilet after taking my pills. It’s the signature touch of my involvement.”
But what should you do if you have some Brexlax in the home, or if a family member has some and is considering ingesting it?
“Burn them,” our toilet attendant said, “whatever you do do not let a reader of The Express take one. They’ve got it bad enough verbally as it is.”
LCD Views applauds the swift measures taken by Michael Gove to reassure the public over Brexlax.
We further advise that this laxative product is entirely unnecessary, because if you’re not already shitting yourself over Brexit, you soon will be.
“Just take one Brexlax a day and relax,” added Michael Gove, but he would, wouldn’t he.