Prime Minister Theresa May is due to publish her gamblers’ guide any day now. She explains how to bluff your way to victory despite holding the two of diamonds and the seven of clubs.
This comes on the back of another great Brexit speech, in which she sets out her vision for Brexit as only a blind woman can.
LCD’s Dubious Gambling Strategies correspondent took a cursory look through the book.
“Its quite an unusual book, in many respects,” he said, in mystified tones. “For example, Chapter One, Call My Bluff, commences with a paragraph on basic bluffing. There follows a number of blank pages, presumably for David Davis to doodle on. It concludes with the words, ‘Repeat as necessary’.”
The book continues in similar vein, with an alarming lack of detail, and a determination to reinvent the rules of poker along the way. Of particular interest is the appendix, titled Emergency Procedures. This has red, white and blue-edged pages for ease of reference, and each page contains one of Theresa’s catchphrases.
Poker expert Tex Oldham was equally scathing. “Poker is a game of thrust and counter-thrust,” he stated. “Yes, there is an element of bluff, but a good player knows when he has had his chips and folds early on.”
Poker-faced May is playing for ever-increasing stakes. £1bn for the DUP? Done. The NHS? No problem. More crayons for David Davis? You bet. Has the Lady gone Gaga?
“She’s a busted flush,” opines Tex. “May is the gambler waiting in vain for that one big win to clear her debts. Who does she think she is, the queen of hearts? Off with her head!”
May is certainly determined to play her cards close to her chest. Does she have an ace up her sleeve? Or is it just a joker? Boris, the BoJoker, maybe?
Stick or twist? Like the knife in her back, it’s twist every time.