British foreign secretary Boris Johnson is to take the stage again to empiresplain to India why they should trade more with us than France.
“It’s straightforward fombledozzle logic,” Mini Boris, aide to the foreign secretary, told LCD Views, “these foreign chaps have forgotten who rules the sub-continent. Headings changed on some official documents, but the sun did not set on the British Empire.”
It was good to have that explained, even if Mini Boris did speak rather loud and slowly. We supposed it was to make sure we got it.
“Who has the Kho-i-Noor after all? Ask yourself that!
India is a country whose economy is developing, do you understand dear?
But our economy is simply huge. Dazzling. Almost the biggest economy on earth. This means people will want to trade with us. They will be in a rush to trade with us. We are very impressive. They are learning how to do things. We can help teach them how people give us something and we give them a lot less.
If they won’t give us something we round up all the energetic, rickets ridden chaps from the slums we can, slap a red coat on their back, some cardboard shoes on the feet and give them a rifle. This is called international trade, Global Britain style. What what!”
It’s believed the foreign secretary will make his pitch for India to give us all its treasure, but none of his people, very soon in order to outflank French president Macron’s play for a $118 billion trade deal.
”The French lost India to us the first time and they’ll bally well lose it this round too,” Mini Boris boasted, “you don’t go supplicant, ragged Gallic beret in hand to the subcontinent, you tell them who is boss. They respect that about Brits. You see France had an empire, but we still have an empire.”
Boris Johnson will also play heavily on the easy and smooth transition after World War Two to a symbolic Indian administration of the British overseas territory, believing Modhi needs pulling back into line.
”Theresa May has already sent a shiver up their spines,” Mini Boris adds, “when she flew out there to impress upon the subject state that Global Britain Empire 2.0 is going to take all of their loot again, and you just take your pesky students straight back home to the red fort once they’ve shelled out all their dosh in good old Blighty.
Theresa is especially distrustful of people who look like they weren’t born in an English shire.
Unless, and this is important, unless they have lots of money. She can swallow some of her unease then, long enough to force the Queen to soft power the bejewelled shirts off their backs. This is Brexit.
Even old Corbs is getting into the swing of it, presenting less than 0.2% of the workforce of the UK, those posted worker bees, as some sort of foreign devil come to steal an honest englishman’s horses!”
LCD Views commends the fast and forward thinking approach of our government to what could otherwise turn into a full scale revolt in one of Britain’s most important overseas provinces.
“Got to keep the French out of things, you see? They think they’re being clever, running about the globe, reversing our patronising, deluded and subtly racist offers with open handed ones. But we’re playing the long game. That’s because our blood is cooler.
You see the French tend to get carried away by their passions. They think they’re stealing all the good stuff we’re turfing away like rotten fruit. But we’ll see who comes out on top in the long run.
Australia, Canada, China, we’re having your goodies too and you’ll be damn well chuffed with some RP, a stiff undercurrent of xenophobia and a laminated book about the Queen in exchange.
This is what trade is about you see, you give us something and we give you something less in return. You’ll soon get the hang of it.”
Tally ho!