LCD VIews has great news for the Australian cricket team today with the announcement that shamed Cambridge Analytica boss Alexander Nicked has accepted the job of teaching them how to cheat properly.
”Let me make one thing clear before I catch my plane as far from Blighty as I can,” Mr Nicked told our sports correspondent, from the Qantas lounge at Heathrow terminal 6,
“just because I’m going downunder to teach those amateurs in the Aussie first team how to cheat properly in no way means I did anything improper while illegally mining the living crap out of Facebook profile data in order to get a percentage gain for Vote Leave.”
As to how Alexander will improve the victorious Ashes team’s game?
”First off we’re going to need to hack into the mobile phones of all people attending cricket matches,” Mr Nicked replied, “once we know who is going to film the bowlers we can influence them to just take selfies and put rabbit ears on their digital heads, for as long as five days, if necessary.
We’ll also be digging through the personal details of the bowling squad to discover who has ever cheated on a partner, so we can focus especial attention into raising their game so they don’t get caught acting perfectly within character again.
Winning at sport, as in politics, is all about percentage gain, no matter how you gain it.”
The news is welcome relief for Australian cricket, just as footage showing some team members acting as thick as footballers often do is on endless repeat on the BBC.
We asked a representative of the BBC to comment,
”I am not a representative of the BBC, I work for the government.”
We’re sorry. What would you like to say?
”We would like to thank the wallies downunder for their timely actions with ball tampering.
For a horrible moment we feared the BBC maybe forced to defy our orders to blackout coverage of both the protest marches to support continued U.K. membership of the EU and the increasing stink around members of the Conservative cabinet.”
The representative later phoned back to threaten us with deregulation of our mass media organisation and direct state control if we print mention of the EU protest marches on the weekend. Please use white-out and cover words on your screen where appropriate. Thank you.