LCD Views has the pleasure to be the first to announce that a well known and highly regarded frog in a boiling pot of water has gone on a UK wide tour.
“We thought it’s best to take the frog on the road now,” specialist animal handler JRM told LCD Views, “as I fancy I’m going to put the lid on the pot any day now. I’ve been trying to train it with gradual increases in heat, but each time I think it’s going to do exactly as I order, well, it tries to jump out of the water. I’m about done with it.”
Still, while the frog remains it will be sure to impress people in all the nations of the optimistically named United Kingdom.
“I have taught it to croak out some lovely phrases,” JRM informs us, “people said you can’t teach a frog to speak, but we’ve proven them wrong. If the flame nudges up in intensity every day, just a little bit, it’s amazing what you can teach a captive, but limited, intellect to say.”
Strong and united is apparently the latest effort.
“It’s hilarious. Sometimes I weep a little with mirth when I consider the accuracy needed to make every statement the frog croaks out immediately self-contradictory. It’s like an attempt to put the fire out in a burning house merely by affirmation.”
But shouldn’t the frog have croaked it by now, given the heat of the water?
“Well, to be honest, I don’t think my little beauty quite understands how hot the water is. Denial is a vital part of the act.”
The tour is expected to be brief, but only because so few people could be pre-arranged to come and smile at what is now just an exercise in cruelty.
“It’s my speciality,” JRM adds, “just imagine me as prime minister one day?”