Redshirts vote to leave Starship Enterprise

A vote has taken place on board the USS Enterprise, in which the security department have voted in favour of leaving the ship. The move has already been dubbed “Trexit”.

Lieutenant-Commander Antonio Giotto, head of security on board the ship, made this statement:

“We security guards are sick of dying for no cause just to preserve the lives of so-called ‘more important’ crew members. We’re valuable too, and we have decided we want to explore the galaxy on our own.”

Captain James T. Kirk himself had the following comments to make.

“I think the security department on this ship has a somewhat inflated opinion of itself, but their performance record undermines it. There’s nothing in their service contract that says they are required to die just to protect us. Sure, their job is to protect us, but how can they do that if they’re dead? If they die, it’s from their own incompetence.”

The vote was close, apparently being swung on the accusation that the beliefs of the Vulcan First Officer, Mr Spock, meant that they don’t get a decent burial.

Mr Spock himself has gone on record that he respects human beliefs, and that the attitude of the security department was ‘highly illogical’.

But despite Captain Kirk’s reminding Giotto that he actually has more stripes on his uniform than anyone on the ship except himself and Mr Spock – he even has more than either Chief Medical Officer Dr Leonard McCoy or Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott – the security department voted in favour of leaving the ship by a narrow margin, just 52% in favour, 48% voting to remain on board.

The negotiations are now underway for what the security department is entitled to. Captain Kirk and his senior staff have refused to let them have anything more than a shuttle. Giotto has apparently demanded a pilot for the shuttle, but this has been refused. There is, however, one qualified helmsman among the security staff, Lieutenant Ryan Leslie, who was actually a member of the remain camp.

As for what the security department will do next, they haven’t made anything clear yet. However, it is rumoured that Giotto is going to attempt to strike a trade deal with the Klingons. Trexit means Trexit. To oblivion and beyond! We wish them luck.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *