The long-awaited Brexit colour chart has finally arrived from Dulux, and the patriotic dreams of a red, white and blue Brexit appear to have been dashed completely – unless you can work out how it would look in sepia.
The only available colour for any deal is brown, appropriately enough.
We spoke to Dulux spokesman Will Paintham on the matter.
“We spent several weeks doing a graphics analysis for the various Brexit possibilities,” he said. “We allocated the most appropriate colour to each and every possible deal option we could think of, and each one of them turned out brown. And not brown as in chocolate either.”
We get the idea.
The conservative party are reportedly unconcerned by this, although the only statement they made came from Boris Johnson.
“Nothing to worry about, Brexit is brown, we conservatives are blue, and the blue is worth more than the brown on a snooker table, what ho!”
These remarks were accompanied by his trademark grin, and absolutely no sense of irony.
It should be noted that the chart is not entirely devoid of variety, however, as there are a whopping fifty shades of brown to choose from.
Rumours are already in the air that author E. L. James is filing a lawsuit against Dulux for this, but she has denied this. Naturally enough, as you can’t sue real life when it chooses to imitate art. No matter how disgusting the imitation.
Well there you have it. All hopes of a golden handshake or a silver lining are officially a thing of the past. Britain is officially in the brown stuff, let’s hope we climb out before someone hits flush.