Passengers on a Ryanair flight from New York to Stanstead were Wednesday surprised to find themselves ejected from their plane over the mid Atlantic and told to swim home.
“We were dragged from our seats, handed plastic single-use parachutes and forcibly ejected through the rear door,” complained Winetta Windrush 27, still dripping from her 433 mile swim to the west coast of Ireland.
“And worst of all there was no relief bus to pick us up after we reached the coast,” she wailed explaining that those who managed to survive the freezing waters had been obliged to pay their own way back to London.
A spokesman for Ryanair explained that the decision to eject half the passengers on the flight had been taken following a sudden spike in jet fuel prices.
“Fuel surcharges are one of the conditions listed in the small print on Ryanair tickets, and cutting load in mid flight is standard practice for conserving fuel for the return leg,” she explained, denying that those ejected had all been selected due to their ethnic minority backgrounds.
“The fact that those “down transferred” all had funny names and didn’t include any fat, racist bigots wearing “white power” t-shirts is purely coincidental,” she explained pointing out that those ejected had all been seated on “ultra economy budget seats”.
“The ones that resemble upturned milk crates, but aren’t,” she added.
Cornered by an intrepid LCD views reporter while being carried by turbaned slaves in a sedan chair from his diamond encrusted penthouse office suite in Dublin’s billionaire quarter, to his solid gold Bentley Continental, Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leery denied that dumping passengers in mid Atlantic to save on fuel was in any way unethical.
“Bollix to yez all. Dem fockers should be grateful we gave them milk crates to sit on for half the flight. Dats more dan dey’ll be getting after yer Brexit, to be sure,” he leered, leerily.