Man actually a compost heap

“It was the smell really,” a BBC gardener told us, “that first alerted me to what he really was. That and the way people keep dumping their food waste on him.”

Apparently the man, who is actually a compost heap, spends most of his time hanging about the Radio 4 Today programme studios, when he’s not in the House of Commons piling fetid ideas for making poor people suffer more into the collective policy framework.

”I have been wondering about him before I decided to investigate,” the gardener elaborated, piece of straw in his mouth,

“do you want a piece of straw? I took it up when I decided to stop smoking. I was going to chew on matches like a 70’s film character, but I worried if I accidentally used one of the type that you can strike on any surface to ignite I may set off a gas explosion. So many think tank representatives, and the politicians on their payrolls, roll through the BBC day in and out, it’s pretty much the Hindenburg now.”

So what’s he going to do about the compost heap?

”Turn him over I guess, like any dump for ideas rotten woth ideologcial zealotry and inherited intellectual bias.”

Surely it would be best to move him out to the yard? Pick a good spot.

”Well, the rats would probably find him then and set up shop. He’s not a good compost heap. It takes ages for anything to breakdown in him and besides…”

Besides what?

”I shouldn’t tell really.”

Go on. Tell.

”Okay, but don’t print this.”

We won’t. We promise.

”I’ve seen that old blowhard Humphrys out weeing on him.”

To add nitrates?

”I’m not sure about that, they both seem to enjoy it. More likely it’s some sort of recycling of ideas between the two of them. Perhaps I’ll try growing some tomatoes with the soil he makes next summer. They can’t be anymore toxic than the food crap we’re going to import from the US after Brexit.”

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