Former Prime Minister and reigning Twat of the Year David Cameron has spotted a business opportunity. The twat who fled to a shed instead of doing his job has offered his services to governments worldwide who seek drastic regime change.
The portly pompous pig fancier has issued his CV directly to leaders of prosperous, well-run countries across the globe.
LCD Views has had sight of the document. The most illuminating section is ‘Hobbies and Interests’. Among other items, Cameron includes Politics, Ruining the Country, and Erections in the Garden. Oddly enough, Shagging a Pig’s Head, Losing Children in the Supermarket, and Gambling the Country’s Future For A Bag Of Magic Beans fail to merit a mention.
Cameron has allegedly gained a lot of interest from a number of shady South American countries. He has many contacts in the rarefied world of rich upper class swindlers through his schooling at Eton. According to official estimates, about 75% of corrupt politicians went to Eton.
Our Dave has his mind on loftier concerns. No banana republic for him, he wants the bigger prize of a first-rate, wealthy country. Germany, for example.
His prospectus takes up the story. “David Cameron offers his unique services to national governments worldwide. If your electorate is too wealthy and settled, leaving fewer than the desired opportunities for entrepreneurial self-enrichment, Cameron provides the solution. To organise a coup against yourself, Cameron provides superficially competent leadership while fomenting unrest and division. A totally unnecessary period of austerity will cause dissatisfaction in the populace. Contacts in the prestigious sectors of data mining and propaganda will help to fan the flames. Finally, a referendum on the country’s future will be held, offering a lose-lose outcome. The currency will plummet, the economy will fail, and businesses will flee. Naturally, for well-placed individuals, this creates gilt-edged opportunities to purchase assets cheaply and to consolidate their wealth.”
A video has been released featuring Donald Tusk’s advice to Cameron on the subject. “Why does everybody hate me?” asks Cameron. “I told you not to hold a referendum,” says Tusk. “But you wouldn’t listen.”
Cameron’s fee is reputed to be in 7 figures. Failure doesn’t come cheap.