UK government enters Guinness Book of Records for the slowest ever car crash

Car crash means car crash. But as the Road To Brexit runs out and over the cliff edge, the big red Brexit bus rolling at a snail’s pace is about to break records for all the wrong reasons.

The People voted for this, even if they didn’t really. So nobody wants to take responsibility for pressing the brake. If nothing changes, gravity will win. That’s the gravity of the situation.

The Guinness Book of Records is on hand to record the historic anticlimax of Brexit. The government is all mouth and no trousers. In true contradictory Brexit fashion, the limpest of limp governments is going to deliver the biggest shafting of all time.

The bus rolls, inexorably, towards the end. The crash is approaching, and despite the lack of speed, promises to make a 47-vehicle pile-up look like a heap of Dinky toys. The drop is so close now, that even staunch, hardline ERG members are starting to think it’s squeaky bum time.

LCD Views spoke to Norris McWhirter’s spiritual heir, Mark McConquest. “This is already the slowest car crash of all time, and it hasn’t even happened yet!” declared McConquest. “It’s crashier than the 2008 financial crash, and longer drawn out than Jose Mourinho’s tenure at Manchester United.”

Disaster specialist and record chaser Holden McCarlsberg was also on hand to deliver a verdict. “I’m always on the lookout for bigger, better, longer things,” he said. “The UK and the USA are like, USA: Here’s my latest idiocy, UK: Hold my beer. I’m constantly crossing the Atlantic. I have more air miles than Liam Fox!”

Eager beavers are on hand with pencils, to record the exact moment of disaster for posterity. “Well, we no longer employ beavers,” McConquest conceded. “They just chew through any writing equipment we give them. And lemmings just run ahead impatiently. So instead we have installed a speed camera to record the instant that the brakes are applied, too late, and the UK careers over the edge like Thelma And Louise in super slo-mo.”

Jacob Rees-Mogg has already described this particular car crash to be ‘Rather uplifting’. He is in pole position to star in the reboot of the Oscar-winning film classic Crash.

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