Tory rent-a-gob Quentin Letts is to assist the government later today by launching a new initiative to get the UK ready for Brexit.
‘Dumbing Down For Britain’ will focus on misrepresenting as many modern day realities as possible in the hope no one can see the woods for the trees as we leave the EU.
“I”m personally super chuffed,” Mr Letts told LCD Views via a translator (we don’t speak prat), “and I’ll be launching the initiative by misrepesenting Switzerland’s borders with other European countries. Ps, don’t mention Schengen, whatever that is. Ha! Hoot! Cash or cheque?! What ho!”
To kickstart the excitement Quentin will be joined by Tory MP for Screwsbe Daniel Kawczynski.
“Daniel is going to tell everyone about bananas and how the Americans wouldn’t let us have any for decades after WW2, forcing ordinary hardworking British veterans to give them all to the Hun!,” Quentin added, “he will then go on to prove that we can grow all the bananas and citrus we need tariff free in the Outer Hebrides. Take that Brussels!”
And alongside these two lightweights in the game, there will also be the man most likely to call for another edition of the Doomsday Book to be compiled post Brexit.
“That’s right! Old Moggy has asked his nanny if she will let him attend so he can tell everyone about the five star conditions in the concentration camps built by the Brits doing the Boer War. They were really more like those mega-hotels you find on the Costa del Sol than camps. We had a lot of trouble getting the bloody Boers to go home after we’d freed them from their mineral wealth. Just ask Moggy!”
Once the initiative to dumb down Britain has been successful it will be followed up by a nationwide IQ test.
“Anyone with an IQ greater than a packet of mince will be asked to leave and then deported,” Mr Letts let slip, “take that remoaners! Millions of you will be going on a one way trip across the English Channel!”