“The Dumb One” former fireplace salesman tells of journey from anti-Thatcher activist to gunboat diplomat

Exciting news for people looking for what they’ll read during their spring holidays today with the release of British Secretary of Defence, Gav “I have a spider” Williamson’s new autobiography, “The Dumb One”.

“In the book I describe my journey from a spotty oik in the 1980’s protesting against Margaret Thatcher to Secretary of Defence, via selling fireplaces.”

The book, which is recommended to retail for one warship a tome, will certainly provide lots to mull over for students currently protesting climate change.

“Look, I was once critical of Margaret Thatcher, deeply critical. Then there was a watershed moment and the scales fell onto my eyes,” Williamson relates.

What was the watershed? Unless it’s a spoiler.

“Oh, it’s well known. I took an overdose of laxatives. It was a dark day. When I recovered I realised I had been seeing the world through clear specs and promptly smeared them.”

And that’s when you decided to become defence secretary?

“No. That’s when I decided to sell fireplaces,” Gav says, “the decision to attempt to bully one of the world’s major powers with gunboat diplomacy came later. Emphasis on the singular with the gunboat.”

So you’re saying anyone can take your journey?

“If you’ve the smarts to get into an argument with a hostile government and then tell them to go away and shut up, when they start leaking shameful details from your earlier life to the tabloids, then yes, anyone can.”

And what of the future? How will you help navigate the choppy waters the UK finds itself in now with international isolation and Brexit?

“I’ll be getting on a slow boat.”

Where to?

“Why China, where else? I’m taking my tarantula there personally.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *