“Now look, I want everyone to know I’m not just a big pussy,” Roger, the cheetah now famous for licking Boris Johnson on the hat, told LCD Views this morning, “he was hiding his face the whole time. I thought it was a big, stupid blonde kid who no one really likes and who needed cheering up. I didn’t realise it was the giant prat who makes dog whistle jokes in the Torygraph.”
Be that as it may, Roger is still coming in for a lot of flak this morning after missing his chance to change the political landscape of the United Kingdom.
”I know you’re an endangered country,” he goes on to say, “I understand how you feel. Clearly. I just wish someone had given me a heads up. Politicians attempting to use me to strap on some green cred, when we all know they’d wear me as a coat if they could get away with it, that really gets my goat.”
Roger went on in this vein, but it was fair to say that the big pussy is in danger of protesting too much.
We decided to press him for why really, why did he blow his chance not only for enduring personal fame, but to do his part to save our country.
”FFS. You want to know why? Really?”
Of course, or we wouldn’t be stroking you up the wrong way. Spill the beans.
”What do I eat? Antelope. I eat antelope. All sorts of varieties and warthogs. But I don’t touch bloody gammon. And that man is total gammon. The salt content is way too high.”