Brexit to be buried holding a blue passport with a stake through its heart at a crossroads at midnight

Concern is flaring inside the funeral parlours of the United Kingdom this morning at news that a select, and secretive, committee in parliament is drawing up plans for how to bury Brexit, now that it’s finally almost dead. But expected to rear up again as a zombie, even before it gets the last rites.

“To be honest we don’t normally deal in zombie burials,” Mrs Sixth Feetdep, founder of Ungodly Holes – Funeral services for the undead, told LCD Views,

“cremations of course. Keep hitting it in the head with the flat of a shovel until you’ve forced the damn thing into the oven. Slam the door closed. Fire up the gas. Bobs your uncle. But a burial? That’s very old fashioned. We’d have to do research.”

But Mrs Sixth Feetdep need not worry too much, as the procedure for dealing with such ungodly abominations is very well established and has been handed down through history.

“Oh really? Well, if you’re the expert all of a sudden, why don’t you tell me?”

(permission to treat the witness as hostile? – denied, stay professional)

It’s straightforward. You deal with Brexit like a medieval village would have dealt with a suspected vampire.

“A stake through it’s heart, a stone in its mouth and a burial in a deep hole at a crossroads at midnight?”

See! You’ve got it. Just make sure you use a t-bone steak, not rump, and you freeze it hard first, or you’ll never hammer it in there. And there’s just one modern twist the select committee will also request, to ensure a strong and stable burial.

“What’s that?”

Put a blue passport in its hands first and make sure the steak goes right through it also.

Mourners attending the service are requested to party.


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