LCD Views has the scoop this morning on what is going to happen soon, with the advanced intel from late March 2019, that parliament has asked the Vatican to send over an exorcist.
“More correctly it will be a Brexorcist,” our time traveller reports, “but that’s just a branding thing, it’s araldite exorcising, as Brexit is the devil itself, so they can send any of their top exorcists to get it done. The real question is how to dress for the situation. Does the Brexorcist wear a dog collar and black clothes like normal? Or perhaps a wet suit, plastic apron and a face mask?
“It’s a pretty scatological procedure. You really don’t want any of the green gunk that will come gushing out of the UK getting on your best church clothes. You just want to burn whatever you’re wearing when you’re done.”
The choice of clothing is a problematic one, as the right balance must be struck between producing enough sense of the dramatic to engage the devil Brexit’s attention, and not having to shower hourly for a week after you’re done.
“We’re still waiting for a reply from the Vatican. We understand that when the request is made later this month it will go right to the top, but Pope Francis is so busy, like every other state leader in the EU, he may feel he has more pressing things to deal with than the UK’s never-ending psychodrama in service of tax havens. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got to generate another worm hole and go further back in time. The lights will dim presently for a few seconds and I’ll be gone.”
How far back are you going?
“Back to 2014 to stop Ed Miliband eating that frigging bacon sandwich, which is how all this nonsense began.”
But surely if you succeed we wouldn’t be having this discussion in the first place as the bacon sandwich photo op would never have happened?
“Now is not really the time to get entangled in time travel theories, we’ve got to stop the UK going back to the 1950’s with a 19th century mindset! Anyway, when I change the past I may create a branching line to a new future in which we have this discussion and then it’s undone. But this is the first time I’ve done it.”
You only half understood ‘A Briefly History of Time’.
“FFS. This is a not supposed to degenerate into the sort of infighting nonsense of a Momentum run CLP meeting. If it wasn’t for that bacon sandwich we’d currently be witnessing a coalition government of Labour and whatever was left of the Libdems in 2015 facing a meltdown caused by the LRG (Lexit Research Group), led by a barely relevant allotment holder, threatening to bring them down if he doesn’t get to personally supervise the fifteenth re-nationalisation of the East Coast mainline. You know what they say, a stitch in time saves nine.”