Man speaking foreign language told to go home

A man prone to using a foreign language in public has been told that he should ‘go home’. The man is understandably upset about this, as nobody in their right mind would want to go to North-East Somerset.

Jacob Rees-Mogg – for it is he – is most upset that anyone could mistake him for anything other than a fine, rather uplifting, English gentleman. Unfortunately, his name is a giveaway, being a mixture of Hebrew, Welsh and Cat.

“Carpe diet sum!” exclaimed Rees-Mogg, angrily. “We must Seize the Diet, and take back control of our food consumption!”

It is uncertain whether Rees-Mogg was referring to the Diet of Worms. A recent event to him, the Diet of 500 years ago, like Brexit, failed to achieve its objectives. Go home, Jacob. Nobody likes you, everybody hates you. Go home.

“It is absolutely disgraceful that one should suffer this kind of abuse,” Rees-Mogg mewed. “I mean, foreigners who are, shall we say, visibly foreign, are fair game of course, but an Englishman’s home is his castle in the air and he should not be subjected to this kind of treatment. The only treatments one expects are to stiffen one’s upper lip, chin reductions, and concoctions to ease the passage of furballs.”

The news coincides nicely with Nigel Farage’s proposed March to Leave. Rees-Mogg indicates that he will not join it, although he may send a flunkey in his stead. “It is rather below the standards of the ruling class to join a protest march,” he miaowed. “Quod erat demonstration.”

We suggested that he was taking rather too much offence. “No, no not at all,” he replied, cattily. “After all, the British People stand by the Royal motto, Dieu et mon droit cornu. God and my right wing!”

Erm, I think you may just have strayed into Monty Python territory there.

“Certainly not!” he replied haughtily. “Honi soit qui mal y Brexit, and that’s my final word.”

With that, he stalked off to the litter tray, before curling up on the sofa in such a way so as to make it impossible for anyone else to share it.

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