SELF STYLED ERG HARD MAN Steve Baker (WTF? He’s an MP?!) is rumoured to be planning to wear camouflage trousers in the House of Commons tomorrow.
“Steve, or someone that looks a lot like Steve, has been spotted on Why-come high street haggling over the price of camouflage trousers at a fly pitched, street market stall,” our eye in the sky reports, “the transaction was successfully concluded with the trader throwing in a gold mesh top, leading to speculation that it was the hardest man in the ERG flashing his cash for some new threads.”
The outfit, so it’s rumoured (although this is all entirely speculative, so speculative you’d have to conclude fictional), is going to be premiered tomorrow when parliament resumes to continue not making decisions about Brexit.
We asked our resident psychologist what could be behind Steve’s change in outfit.
“Well, before I give my opinion, I believe you should watch the video of Mr Baker being floored and crying he gives in, for which there is a link below.”
“Now, did you notice the style of trousers worn by the man who unmanned hard man Steve?”
Yes. They were camouflage.
“So that goes, in part, some way, marginally to explain how Steve first conceived of the need to re-style as a hard man. He presumably shudders whenever he sees camouflage of any kind, as a result of the deep, psychological trauma he carries from the incident in the footage. I think we should congratulate him for facing his fear. He’s going to need a hand to hold onto when he attempts to pull the trousers up for the first time.”
Well, that’s expert analysis if ever we had any. Now back to our eye in the sky for political analysis.
“Steve knows that Brexit is slipping away from the ERG. He hasn’t invested in all that gold bullion for nothing.”
“Something has to be done. Normally people wear camouflage to not be seen, but now and then a condom full of walnuts like Steve will put them on to be noticed. He’s going to flex his muscles and man spread on the green benches in trousers no one can ignore. This will show the rest of his party what fate awaits them if they don’t tow the line. We all know he won’t be wearing a backstop.”
But additional rumours that he plans to go commando when he goes camo has led to calls for the NHS to be on standby.
“The fly pitcher he bought the dodgy merchandise off has a reputation for selling trousers with defective flies. I would be careful going commando in that camo. Anything could come out when it wasn’t expected, or worse still, anything could get stuck in the zipper. Bercow may have additional reasons to shout ORDERRRRR in the chamber tomorrow.”
For good measure we’ve included a link to Steve apologising to the house after his put up job with Rees-mogg to smear the civil service went south.
The NHS has been placed on stand by and ordered to have an ambulance waiting in Westminster in case the hard man of commando comes stuck, or unstuck, in his trying to out alpha the other alpha males in the big boy’s chamber. While presumably boring the life out of the alpha girls.