VITAL SIGNS : Health Secretary Matt Handmemyrooster has hit back at claims the government is killing the NHS today, amid figures showing zero nurses left and only one GP to cover the entirety of the UK.
“It’s all going to plan,” someone claiming to be Matt told LCD View’s Health Correspondent, “I’ve paid an American based digital design firm, who specialise in apps for the health industry, £5bn to come up with an app that solves any demand and supply issues for NHS customers.”
Under the plans, revealed here today, British health customers will be able to access an AI GP with a new app, fitting called AIGP (pronounced Aaargh).
“Aargh will take the UK’s health sector into the profit margins of the 21st century,” Little Matty enthused, “customers simply have to download Aaargh from the app store and away they go, professional consultations at your fingertips for a small subscription fee.”
The design team have really excelled themselves, LCD Views agrees, by combining the retro-style of 80’s counterculture classic Max Headroom, with the functionality of Siri.
You will feel right at home the moment you open the app for the first time. Next you just respond to prompts for symptoms, these are needed so Max can adopt the right level of (Tory) manic cynicism to prescribe any treatment, from antibiotics for a raging skin infection to surgery to remove excess cerebral material prompting brain worms like ‘wtf fuckin’ Tories’ and ‘this is bullshit’.
“It should be noted though that this app will only work on iPhones, so anyone possessing an android will need to enter the new National Lottery prize draw for a consultation with the last human GP left. Which is ironic, when you consider the app based service is an android. Funny old world.”
As a side note, it’s believed the change in terminology from patients to customers is a key plank of preparing the NHS for the future. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.
“Need your appendix removed?” Matt adds, “there’s an app for that. Smiley face with wink.”
No Matt, actually there’s not, but good luck with that tie up with private health.