BREXIT : Olly Robbins heads to Brussels to negotiate his political asylum

HELP ME HIDE : UK’s lead Brexit negotiator, Olly Robbins, is to beg Barnier for political asylum later today as he heads to Brussels under the pretence of re-negotiating the political declaration tacked onto the end of May’s Brexit Withdrawal Agreement.

“Ms May has packed him off again in the hope he will come back with some classic continental fudge,” our Brexit analyst, Puff the Magic Dragon, says, “it isn’t concerning the deal she’s agreed with Brussels, it’s about making the political declaration attached to it so vague the current Conservative government, or any future Labour one, can pretend it meant exactly whatever it is they need it to pretend. While protecting workers and business investment. As the country burns to the ground.”

But while Ms May may have sent Olly off on that understanding, with Keir Starmer nodding approvingly behind her, and Nosferatu nodding approvingly behind Starmer, a leak suggests Olly Robbins has perhaps an entirely different agenda.

“He’s a good rapport built up over the last couple of years with Barnier,” Puff the Magic Dragon comments, “for a long time now they’ve sat in a Brussel’s room together, overlooking the dragon statues in the park outside the EU commission building, reminiscing about when the UK was sane. And Barnier has said something like,

‘I’m so sorry you’re having to do this my dear Olly, it’s all insane’ and Olly has replied, ‘Tell me about it, it’s nuttier than a bag of nuts being sold at a nut convention by a squirrel with a nut fetish back at home. Sometimes I just wish there was somewhere I could go and hide. I can’t tell you how much I like coming here and talking with people who aren’t lunatics. I just wish I could stay’. And then they get down to trying to make the British position sound in anyway connected to life on planet Earth.”

We suspect Robbins will be granted asylum in the EU and we can say if he is it will cause us to boil over with envy.

Good luck Olly. One day this will all be in your past. Just like the United Kingdom on its current trajectory.


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