Boris Johnson offers to present both the prosecution and defence in his criminal trial

THINGS WITH SCALES : Boris Johnson is set for court on the 23rd May, conveniently the same day as EU elections, but in order to come out smelling of roses next Thursday (with a manure after taste) he has reportedly settled on a strategy for court.

“He’s going to offer to present both the prosecution and defence in any criminal trial,” a fly on the wall in Mr Johnson’s office leaked, “at least that’s what I think he said. It was a little hard to understand. There was a lot of mumbo-jumbo being spoken. He was really just making words up. But that’s the gist of it, I think, but don’t hold me to it, I’m about as credible as Bojo making promises to a fine young filly.”

The strategy, if that’s what it is, neatly mirrors the one he is believed to have adopted when deciding what would best maximise his chances of being propelled by the EU referendum of 2016 to the Conservative Party leadership.

It’s not clear how successful it would be, given that mostly he’d just be talking bollocks whichever side he was arguing.

“It’s not about the factual content of what you say,” the fly shrugged, “it’s about how forceful you can make your rhetoric. When you inherit privilege you can assume to be immune to the consequences of your actions. So I reckon he will do a bloody good job of prosecuting himself. He’s already condemned in the court of public opinion, except for some nostalgia freaks in the actual Tory party. Oh and people who like repeatedly punching themselves in the brain. They quite like him too.”

We would like to wish Mr Johnson justice and request people keep an open mind, just like Boris is alleged to have done when deciding whether or not to argue for the humiliation of the UK in early 2016, for his personal gain, or whether it would be better to attempt to defend the country, for the same reason.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *