MENTAL : LEAKED documents to this supranational publishing sensation suggest the government is spending £350m a week on a secret group working to discover a psychic solution to Brexit.
“They began practising by staring at a rock called Graham,” the document reveals, “it was Dominic Raab’s pet rock. He used to keep it on his desk to warn people entering his office that he was hard and heavy.”
But it appears that after Graham became unwell, the group moved on to other objects.
“They tried a marrow next. It was stolen from Jeremy Corbyn’s allotment. There’s a growing suspicion that somehow having Andrea Jenkyns, Nadine Dorries, Jacob Rees-mogg and Owen Patterson staring at it day in and out is what caused so much confusion within Labour leadership over Brexit. So that was the first success.”
Next the group moved on to staring at a photo of Theresa May.
“They’re still doing that even now after her premiership has died. They’ve let Liz Truss take it home under orders to continue to stare at it. This doesn’t seem to be working, as it’s supposed to come back alive and take the blame for whatever Johnson does. It’s thought because Liz has swapped May’s photo for one of her own and is just making affirmations about becoming prime minister next.”
But the real surprise in the document was the fact that the group has now moved on to staring at actual Brexit. That they have somehow nailed down one Brexit and are attempting to increase its vibration to a strength that makes it viable.
“It’s just a cardboard cutout of a unicorn,” the paper ends, “but the Dominic’s really believe. Initially nothing was happening and then they realised there was a map of the English Channel on the wall. It’s believed that was putting one of them off because of the shock value of realising Britain was an island. They removed the map and things are going much better now. Brexit is expected to begin levitating shortly and that will be a sign that it’s working. Once the rock turns into a hand grenade with its pin out they’ll know they nailed it.”
Brexit, our best minds are working on it.