Boris Johnson bids to become last prime minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland

Boris Johnson, the world’s greatest statesman, according to Boris Johnson, has made his move. Typically understated, he intends to be the final leader of a once great country.

Past Her Prime Minister, Theresa May, has promised to step down at some nebulous point in the future. Boris hopes to step into her kitten heels as leader of the Conservative Unionist National Tory party.

“Successor means success!” exclaimed Johnson, dangling triumphantly in mid-air and waving flags. “Somebody told me Theresa would go down in history as the worst PM ever. I said, hold my beer!”

You also stated that you intend to be the last PM of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

“Well, flibber my gibbets!” chuckled Johnson. “So I did! Boris means Brexit, and I will deliver it. By courier if necessary!”


“Meaning that if – no, when – Brexit happens, my glory will be everlasting. The Empire will flock back to the mother country. It won’t be Great Britain, I will be the first Emperor of Global Britain!”

Boris the first does have a ring to it.

“Boris the Great!” corrected Johnson. “Boris the Mighty. Boris the Animal!”

Peeking under under the Emperor’s New clothes to see Boris’ naked ambition, is commentator Piers Closely.

“Boris Johnson sucks!” claims Closely, acronymically. “All that knob wants, apart from a steady supply of curvaceous blondes, is power. He wants to out-Trump Trump. That’s a lot of hot air!”

Will it happen, though?

“Not in a million years!” replied Closely. “If Boris realises his ambition, then Scotland will finally lose its patience and split away. Wales will surely follow, and Northern Ireland will grit its teeth and unite with Eire.”

And stay in the EU, no doubt.

“It will be the end of a union, just not the one Boris hoped for,” concluded Closely. “Then Wessex, Cornwall and Yorkshire will declare independence, and Boris will end up as Prince of Nowhere Very Much.”

King of Little Britain? Yeah. But no. But yeah. But no.

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