Theresa May asks Northern Rail to sort out her departure timetable

Theresa May, Prime Minister for Exiting 10 Downing Street, has announced her intention to step down. Many complex factors are at play, so she has asked Northern Rail to organise a timetable.

“Who better than a railway company?” says chronology expert Minnie Tanned. “They have to be able to make very big metal things roll along metal tracks without bumping into anything, and other complicated shit.”

But why Northern, when other franchises manage to avoid train crashes most days?

“Northern has a reputation for being flexible,” replies Tanned. “They are proactive and only run a train when it feels right to do so. Their timetables are advisory only.”

This sounds a perfect fit for the PM in name only. “Let me be entirely clear about this,” she grated. “I will step down when my Brexit deal is approved by Parliament, or when it isn’t. This will certainly be before, during, or after the current Parliamentary session.”

The two seem a perfect fit. May’s departure has been announced to the expectant public many times, only for it to be cancelled at the last minute due to ‘technical reasons’. Just like a Northern train.

This cosy arrangement has landed Transport Secretary Chris Grayling in hot water again. Other train operators are demanding compensation from the government because Grayling forgot to consider other options.

“I’m not even sure what a train is,” clarified a harrassed-sounding Grayling over a crackly phone line. “Isn’t it part of a wedding dress? I will be able to elaborate when I reach the office, but I’m having trouble following my map. Oooh! There’s Bavaria! That’s a posh bit of London, isn’t it?”

It’s reassuring to know that the process is in safe hands.

It is widely believed that fascists, whatever their faults, make the trains run on time. Thankfully, Northern Rail has completely failed the Fascism Test, so Nazis won’t be taking over any time soon.

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